~ And there's no time left for losin'-
When you stand they fall ~
*JC*
God, I really hate myself.
Why did I cheat on Lance? Why? I knew he didn't love Justin, and I knew he loved me. And I cheated on him.
Why?
Everything was going so good for me the night that I got together with Lance. I remember everything about it, every touch, every kiss, every whisper... I remember it all. It was as close to heaven as I'll ever get on this Earth, and I had another shot when Lance made his choice.
And I blew it, because of reasons I don't even fully understand.
Yeah, I know Justin loves Lance, and I know that Lance could fall for Justin, given the opportunity, but there's just something more between them. Something that I can't explain. I always thought that Lance and I were meant for each other, but if I can do something so awful, with no solid reason as to why I did it, maybe it was fate controlling me.
Maybe I'm not the one who's meant for Lance.
But I'll be damned before I accept that.
God, I am such a hypocrite. Here I am, telling myself that I will never accept Lance with someone else, yet I let him walk away from me, and I didn't even fight for our relationship. I left that up to him, and it should've been me who was the one doing the fighting. Just the fact that Lance was trying to save us makes it worse. He was trying to make things better when I was the one that screwed it all up.
And I only made it worse when he came to talk to me. I didn't make a single effort to try and save us, because Lance had to bring up Justin.
Dammit, it always seems like this whole thing boils down to Justin. Lance said that it was my fault he couldn't be with Justin, and what the hell am I supposed to say to that? Then he tells me he's trying to save us, and by then his whole Justin comment had pissed me off so bad, I told him he wasn't doing a very good job.
He shouldn't have been trying to do "a job" at all.
After sitting here, watching the door that Lance walked out of for about twenty minutes, I've come to a conclusion.
Justin and I are going to settle this whole thing.
Now.
I'm pounding on his door, and it takes him a minute to answer it.
I still can't believe he punched me.
Justin opened his door, and I shove him back, letting myself in and slamming the door behind me.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"You were right earlier, we have to settle this. Lance came by to see me after you left, and you wanna know what? He's mad at me because I ruined his chances with you. Isn't that nice?" I spat, wanting so badly to push him out of his window.
"So, it's my fault again, huh JC? Let's see if I can remember making you cheat on Lance. Nope, don't recall it. I'd love to hear you explain to me how it's my fault you broke Lance's heart," Justin said angrily.
"Shut up! It's because of you that I ruined the one chance Lance was giving me! He had to bring you up, and then I said something, and that ruined it all!"
"How can you blame that on me? Just because I came up in your argument doesn't mean I controlled your mouth afterwards you idiot."
"I am so sick of you and your egotistical attitude. Me and you have a serious problem and I'm here to settle it."
"What are you saying, JC? That you want to try and save our friendship? That you want to try and put all this shit behind us? It doesn't work that way, because we can't go back. We've said too many things and done too many things for it to ever be the same between us again," Justin said, looking right at me.
"I want us to act like civil humans to each other, Justin."
"Well, it's hard when you keep pissing me off," he retorted. That's it. That is so it.
"And you don't piss me off, Justin? You don't come between me and Lance, screw up everything we had, and then sit back and watch with a joyous heart as we lose each other forever and Lance suddenly becomes yours?"
"Okay, first off, nothing about this goddamn situation makes me happy. You didn't see Lance's face right after he found you. I'm in love with him, and to see him like that killed me. To know I couldn't do anything about it killed me worse. And you think I enjoyed watching as Lance waited to tell me that it was you he wanted, just because he was suddenly starting to like me just a little bit? You don't think that it would've made it even harder, watching you two together, knowing Lance liked me but was still with you? I've had the short end of this deal, and I certainly haven't watched it all with a smile."
We stood there in his room, silent, each of waiting for the other to speak.
"What do we do now?" I asked.
"Us, as in you and me? I think we're back to square one."
"What?" Square one? What did he mean.
"Back to where we both were before we admitted we loved Lance. Back to loving him with our all, and having no idea how he feels in return."
"Yeah, and maybe this time around," I said, "you'll learn to keep your mouth shut."
"And maybe this time around, things'll be different. Maybe this time around, Lance'll chose me, and this time around, I wont cheat on him."
That hurt. God, did that hurt. I saw a tiny flicker of regret in Justin's face, but it was gone as quickly as it came.
"Get out," Justin said coldly.
"Nothing's changed between us," I told him.
"I said get out."
I nodded, knowing that things between me and Justin were pretty much un-repairable by now, and left the room.
I walked back to my hotel room in a daze. I had lost Lance, and that hurt so much I couldn't feel the pain.
But I had also lost something else.
My best friend.
And that pain, I could feel.
~ Comin' down the world turned over-
And angels fall without you there-
And I go on as you grow colder ~
*
