~You know the lies they never told you-
And the love you never knew-
What's the things they never showed you?-
That swallowed the light from the sun-
Inside your room ~
*Lance*
It hurts.
That's all I can say, is that it hurts. Everything hurts. It hurt to see JC naked in bed with some player, it hurt to see Justin and JC fighting and breaking their friendship even more, it hurt to hear Justin tell me he wouldn't be with me because I wanted to get JC back, and it hurt to realize that's exactly what I wanted to do.
Justin was right, when he told me that I would regret being with him, but only because I wouldn't have done it right. I want to be Justin's boyfriend, I really do. I want him to do those little, affectionate things that make me crazy about him, I want to experience falling in love with him while we're together, not before.
I heard JC and Justin in JC's room, and what Justin said to JC was exactly the way I feel. What JC did screwed everything up, and it's not fair, because now I can't be with Justin without him feeling like I'm only doing it to spite JC.
But everything I said to Justin is true. I am falling for him, and I do want the chance to fall the rest of the way.
I wish JC wouldn't have slept with that guy. I felt better than I have in a long time when I told him I wanted to be with him. It was true, as much as I like Justin, I love JC with all my heart. I still do, and that's what kills me. It would be so easy for me to just forgive him and work past this, but part of me doesn't want to anymore.
Part of me is saying that JC had his chance and he blew it, and I should move on to Justin, and I can understand why Justin turned me down. Why he said that we couldn't be together. Because moving on to Justin would be exactly what he said it would be, just choosing him because JC messed up. I have to give my relationship with JC a chance.
That's why I'm here, at his room, ready to talk to him. I watched Justin leave, and I feel horrible because this is almost as bad for him as it is for me.
"Lance," JC said, looking at me, a note of hope in his voice.
"We need to talk," I said, shutting the door and moving over to one of the chairs in his room, sitting down.
"Look Lance, I don't know what I can possibly say to make up for what I did, I know that. And I don't know what to do. What do you want me to do?" JC asked, looking at me, his eyes begging me to give him another chance.
"What you did... I don't understand, because I told you I loved you and wanted to be with you. If I hadn't told you that, it would be more understandable, but I did tell you that, and you had a one night fling with some guy anyway."
"I know, and I'm sorry-"
"Sorry doesn't change it, JC. It still happened whether you apologize a million times or not. All I want to know is...why?"
JC looked at me, and I know that he didn't have an answer that would justify what he did. "When we were leaving, I saw you and Justin hugging by the pool, and I didn't believe that you didn't have strong feelings for him."
"I told you I did, that I had feelings for Justin, but that I didn't love him."
"I know, but I knew that they were stronger feelings than what you were letting on. That's why I got drunk, and when Bryce offered to give me a ride home, I accepted, and when he started to make a move on me, it felt so good to be wanted by someone, that I gave in. That's the truth Lance."
So, his name was Bryce. It's nice to be able to put a name to the face...
"You didn't try at all to stop him? You didn't think about the consequences once?" I asked.
JC looked down and shook his head.
"I didn't matter enough to even be accounted for in your decision to sleep with him?"
"I was drunk Lance, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly," JC said, and I could hear a tiny hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Well, you should've thought harder, JC! If I mattered that much to you, then your mind would've told you what you were doing. Justin wouldn't have ever done what you did, and now I can't even have a chance with him because you can't "think clearly"!" I said, my voice raising.
"Oh, I'm so sorry that you can't be with perfect, precious Justin, who does everything right. Please forgive me for at least that," JC said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Why are we fighting about Justin? I came here to work things out with you," I said, lowering my voice.
"You brought him up, Lance. And you're not doing a real good job of working things out with us, are you?" JC said bitterly, and I knew the moment the last sentence was out of his mouth, he regretted it.
"Lance, I-"
"At least I'm *trying* to save us! I don't even know why anymore, since you don't really care. And I shouldn't have to be the one to try and save us JC! You know what, forget it. Forget I even came here, forget the whole conversation we had, forget it all. I don't want to forgive you anymore, I don't want to try and save our relationship anymore, not if it doesn't mean anything to you," I said, getting up and fighting the tears that were forming in my eyes.
"Lance, I didn't mean what I said, please, don't walk out that door. If you do, I know that I'll lose you forever."
I looked at JC with tears in my eyes, and I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I walked out the door.
~ Comin' down the world turned over-
And angels fall without you there-
And I go on as you get colder-
Always someone's prayer ~
*
