Five weeks. JC and I had been broken up for five fucking weeks. I couldn't even believe myself and how incredibly stupid I was being. The clock was ticking and I had spent the past five weeks being the biggest prick on Earth to everyone around me. I had wasted time moping around that I could've spent with JC. Holding him, kissing him, making love to him...
I am a fool.
"Why? Why am I doing this?" I asked myself angrily.
"I don't know, man," a voice said behind me. I turned around to see Joey standing by the back door. "It's a nice day," he commented, walking over and sitting next to me.
"There'll be others," I said, looking up at the cloudless blue sky.
"You want him back," Joey stated, remembering the angry words I'd said to myself.
"I never didn't want him Joey, he didn't want me. I was complicating his life and the only reason he "forgave" me for it was because he got what he wanted. How am I supposed to be with JC when I know that if things hadn't turned out right, he'd still think it was my fault that Roy was shunning him?"
"You're the only one that seems to think that, Lance. JC was mad because he didn't have the support of his father, he took it out on you, he didn't mean it. How many times have you said shit that you didn't mean because you were pissed off?"
"This was different, Joey," I told him. Joey sighed and said, "Look, Lance... you can't speak for JC. You can't assume what he's thinking, what he's feeling. You just have to trust him. And if you really love him like you say you do, you would trust him. You'd believe him. Maybe you just... never really loved him at all."
Joey got up and walked away, his steps sounding hollow on the wooden deck. I kept running his words through my mind. Maybe you just... never really loved him at all. How could Joey think that? That couldn't be true, I remembered all too well the pain in my heart, that was tearing me to pieces the day I stood at JC's grave... the day I realized that I did love him. I came back to love JC... how could anyone think that I didn't love JC? Oh... oh God. What if JC thought that I didn't love him?
I got up and practically ran back into the house. In my haste, I almost missed Joey standing off to the side of the door, with a knowing grin on his face. I stopped and quickly hugged him. "Thanks," I said, turning and hurrying to go find JC.
He grinned. "No problem, man."
*
I found JC sitting at his grand piano, aimlessly plunking at the keys. He looked up when he heard me approach.
"Hey," I said, searching his face for any kind of emotion that would tip me off as to how I was supposed to approach him.
"Hi," he said, turning away to start playing with the keys again.
"Um... how are you?" I asked, feeling like an idiot. "Why are you here?" JC asked, turning to look at me. He knew me too well.
"I've been an ass," I said finally after a minute or two of silence.
JC snorted and said, "Yeah, that's one way of putting it."
"I just wanted to..." I trailed off, not knowing exactly how to put my apology into words.
"What, apologize?" JC asked, standing up and facing me. The tone of his voice sounded almost angry, and I braced myself for him to tell me to fuck off.
Instead, his lips pressed against mine, his tongue hungrily seeking access into my mouth. Just like that? Five weeks of pain and heartache and he forgives me just like that?
"JC, I don't know why I-" I started as soon as we pulled apart, but JC cut me off.
"Shh," he said, putting a finger to my lips. "It doesn't matter. We both said and did things that we didn't mean. All that matters is that you're here, now, in my arms. Where you should be."
I made a small noise in the back of my throat, almost like a whimper, and I pulled him to me, crushing our lips together. Five weeks of all kinds of emotions were poured out into that kiss, and it was so intense I was gasping for air by the time it was over.
"I'm so sorry," I said, pressing my forehead up against his, "I was an ass. I love you so much."
He smiled at me, "I know, Lance."
We kissed again and I could've killed myself for wasting so much time, when the time we did have was limited.
I'd gone around the whole year telling myself that JC was going to die in December, but I didn't believe it. Not until that moment did I start to realize that I really was going to lose him.
Again.
*
