"Fireworks! Woo-hoo! I get to play with fire! Woo! I love the fourth of July!"
I rolled my eyes at Chris, who had come running downstairs that morning as soon as he had woken up, declaring his utter joy at being able to light stupid little boxes that blow up into colorful sparks. Ooh, let us all rejoice.
I really shouldn't have been taking my bitterness out on Chris' somewhat endearing excitement. It wasn't his fault that I had broken up with JC three weeks before. And I kept trying to tell myself that it was a good thing, that I was doing the right thing, trying to make JC happy, but he went around looking just about as miserable as me, if not more so.
And why didn't I apologize to him? Was it pride? Anger? No, it was fear. Fear that he wouldn't take me back because I had been such an ass to him. Even if he did tell me I'd ruined his life and would continue to think that if I hadn't gone to Roy.
Would he really, though? Damn it, I knew that I should just talk to him, but I didn't. Every moment I sat there and did nothing was a moment I'd never get to spend with JC again because he was going to die in less than six months and there was nothing I could do about it.
Not a goddamn thing.
*
"Are you coming to the park with us to watch the fireworks?" Justin asked, poking his head into my room. I shook my head, "No, I'm just going to stay in."
"JC isn't going either," Justin told me. "Well, you can tell him I'm not going so he can go," I said, a little more harshly than I had intended.
"He isn't going because he's not in the mood, because he's upset, not because he wants to avoid you. If you're not going to just avoid JC, they why don't you just come?" Justin asked angrily.
"I think I'll just say," I said tersely.
"Whatever," Justin muttered, leaving my room, letting the door close with a soft slam.
I sighed and put my head into my hands.
*
I decided that I was going to try and go to sleep early, but I was in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room. Sure, it had been my room in the beginning, but I hadn't slept in it since JC and I had gotten together.
Vaguely remembering Joey mentioning something about them going to light their own fireworks once the show at the park was over, I figured the three of them wouldn't be home for a while. And judging by the silence in the house, JC had gone to bed.
I got up and went out into the hallway, heading towards the bathroom. I cried out in pain when my hip hit something hard. In the dark hallway, I couldn't see anything, and fell to the floor, cringing when I heard a lamp shatter on the hardwood floor.
About a minute later, as I was trying to untangle myself from the mess, light flooded the hallway and I looked up, seeing JC standing there.
"Jesus Lance, I thought you were a burglar," he said, moving over to pick up the table I had run into, which was overturned.
I took a look at him, in boxer shorts and a wifebeater. "You thought I was a burglar and you came down unarmed?" I asked.
He shrugged and said, "Whatever, you're not so it doesn't matter." He knelt down about two feet away from me and we started picking up the broken pieces of the lamp. We both reached for a particularly big piece and our fingers brushed. I pulled away quickly and bit my lower lip, not looking at him.
"Lance..." He started, not quite sure what to say next. "This whole thing is stupid."
I looked at him, a hint of anger flashing in my eyes. "What? You telling me I ruined your life is stupid?"
He looked at me incredulously, "You can't be serious. Are you still hung up on that? How many times to I have to tell you that I didn't mean what I said before you'll believe me?"
"If you hadn't made up with your dad, you know you'd still be thinking that."
JC sighed. "Maybe you're right, but I made up with him and I don't think that, so why is there a problem?"
I snorted and said, "Yeah, but you could think that if everything wasn't going perfectly for you in your little world."
For a moment I thought JC was going to reply with an angry retort, but he just sighed and said, "I wanted to spend today sitting on the roof with you, holding your hand and whispering sweet nothings in your ear while we watched the fireworks, not fighting with you. Not waking up knowing that I'm not even your boyfriend anymore."
I looked away from him and stood up, wincing slightly at the pain in my hip, knowing that there was going to be a bruise there in the morning.
"Are you okay?" JC asked, and the concern in his voice and on his face almost broke my heart.
"Yes," I snapped, ignoring the hurt look on his face. Trying to ignore the fact that I was being the biggest prick in the world and at the same time beating myself up for hurting the person that I loved most in the world.
"Well, I'm going to bed. I'll finish cleaning this up in the morning," I said, turning and walking towards my room.
"I'm still in love with you," JC whispered, so softly I could pretend that I hadn't heard it. So I did, walking back into my room and shutting the door.
*
