“And as we lay this body to rest, we must not...” I toned out the sound of the minister and looked at the coffin in front of me. All my family on Dad’s side was there, some mourning, some just hoping the funeral would be over so they could go back to their soap operas and football games.
Stacy was standing to one side of me, Dad to the other. Mom seemed to be focusing all her energy on the coffin... I found it ironic that we were doing the same thing, even if they were for entirely different reasons.
I wondered, briefly, if her tears weren’t just because of Grandfather. I wonder how many tears she had cried over me? I looked over at her to see that she wasn’t staring blankly at the coffin anymore, she was staring at me. I could only look at her for a moment, because the hardness of her gaze hadn’t softened in the littlest bit since I had gotten to Mississippi. Even after I turned away, however, I could feel her still looking at me.
I hoped that maybe it meant she was going to give me a chance.
*
The whole family was back at my parent’s house, since Grandfather had been buried in the cemetery a couple miles away from the house. I was going to miss him, he always made me laugh, but he was wise too. Maybe he would’ve been able to help me somehow, with Mom.
I was sitting with Dad, who was silent for the most part. He wiped his eyes occasionally, and I found that the only thing I could do was rest my hand on his shoulder. None of my other family members really came up to us to talk, and I didn’t mind. It was nice to get a break from someone asking for an autograph from some famous person they thought I’d know.
Not really paying attention to anything around me, I didn’t notice Dad get up or that someone else had taken his place. It was when I felt a light, feathery hand on my shoulder that I came out of wherever I had been.
I looked over and saw that the person was my mother.
“We need to talk,” she said, and any hope that I had disappeared because her tone was still as hard and icy as ever before.
She stood up and walked towards the stairs, and I followed her. We went up and into the room that she shared with Dad. She shut the door and turned the lock, so no one would walk in was what I guessed.
“So...” I started.
She didn’t say anything. She went over to her nightstand and opened the bottom drawer, pulling something out of it. Her bible.
I stared at her in disbelief for a moment. She opened it to a page she had book marked and opened her mouth to start reading.
“I don’t need you to tell me that a man should not lie with another man, Mother, because I’ve heard it all before,” I said, annoyance creeping into my voice.
She looked up at me. “I need to make you understand, Lance, you don’t understand.”
“Of all the things in my life that have needed understanding, this is the one thing that I understand the most. It’s everything else that’s fuzzy in comparison.”
Mom shook her head. “No, you just don’t see it. I can save you Lance, I can save you from your sins, I can-”
“No, you can’t,” I said, cutting her off. “You can’t change me, no matter how hard you try. Was this the only reason you brought me up here?”
She sighed and set her Bible down. “You need to see it Lance, before it’s too late. You’ll go to Hell if you don’t stop this. That...that Joshua manipulated your mind, but I can-”
“Leave him out of this,” I said, my voice rising.
“Have you... have you kissed him? Have you... slept with him?”
Her voice sounded like it was horrified of the answers, but like I was going to give them to her anyway. “That’s none of your business,” I told her, and she gasped. “It’s true, oh God it’s true. Your poor Grandfather died of a heart attack, probably because he knew about you doing those God awful things!”
“He didn’t know.”
“Then at least he got to die with peace of mind.”
“Why does it matter to you who I love and who loves me?”
She snorted in disgust. “You two don’t have love. You have lust and sin and that’s all you’ll ever have.”
Her words cut through me like a knife. My own mother was standing three feet away from me, mocking the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced in my life. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes, and wouldn’t it be great for her, to see me cry...
I turned and walked over to the door, my hand on the lock.
“If you walk out that door, Lance, then there really is no hope for our relationship, because I wont try to save your soul again.”
I closed my eyes as tightly as I could and turned the lock. The click echoed throughout the silent room. I turned to her, wanting to say something. Something that she’d think about everyday of her life after I left, something that she’d never be able to let go, but what could I say? There wasn’t anything, because she had won, and nothing I said would matter to her.
I turned back around and left the room.
*
