My coffee was cold.
The light that once shone through the windows turned to blackness, as time crept slowly into night.
No one was there but me. The guys had gone home to get some sleep, so they said, but I knew the real reason. They wanted to give me time. As for Karen and Roy, they were still back with JC.
Roy.
God, I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate him with every ounce of emotion inside of me, but I couldn't. He was JC's father. And I couldn't hate anything that had helped create the love of my life. No matter how much I wanted to.
And I should've cared more that Roy told my parents I was gay and they walked out on me, I should've cared more about the fact that Roy had been acting like a complete asshole to me, but I didn't. Not really.
The only thing I cared about in that moment was that JC was going to wake up, and I wouldn't be by his side, and I would break my promise to him.
All because of Roy.
And I still couldn't hate him.
*
I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep until I felt someone shaking me. "Lance, wake up. Lance, come on, wake up." I opened my eyes groggily and saw that Karen was standing in front of me. "We're you here all night?" she asked, and I had to bite back a retort about why would I be sleeping in a chair if I had gone home. I nodded and got up, feeling the blood flowing back down to my legs.
"Lance, about yesterday, and what Roy did-"
"Don't worry about it. How's JC?"
"He's fine, Lance, but please, you have to listen to me-"
"Can I see him? Please?" I didn't care about what she had to say, as bad as that sounds. All I cared about was Josh and seeing him.
"Not until you let me get this out." I had to smile slightly at that. Now I knew where JC got his bull headed determination from. I'm just glad he didn't get Roy's mouth.
"Lance, about last night, Roy had no right to do that to you, any of it. I should've done something when Roy was doing... what he did , yesterday, but I... I couldn't, I'm so sorry Lance."
I looked at her face, and I could see the sincerity there. I could feel that she was really trying to accept JC, and me as JC's boyfriend, and that meant a lot to me, because she didn't have to. My parents didn't want to, Roy didn't want to, but she did. I smiled at her and said, "Karen, there was never anything to forgive."
She let out a little choked sound and pulled me into her arms, crushing me into a long hug. When we pulled away, she wiped at her eyes and said, "Follow me, I'll show you where is room is."
It was the longest walk of my life, to JC's room, and when we got to the door, I was nervous, and I didn't know why. This was JC, my lover, my everything. Karen patted me on the shoulder and said, "I'll be in the cafeteria if you need me."
She turned and I watched her walk back down the hallway before turning back and quietly opening the door to JC's hospital room. He was lying on a bed, and he was so pale. He had tubes up his nose, and needles stuck in his arms, and there was a small film of sweat covering his face. He looked beautiful tome.
I went over and sat in the chair that was already, trying to be quiet because he was asleep. I sat down and took his hand in mine, softly stroking the skin in little circular patterns.
I watched his blue eyes flutter open and he smiled. "You're here," he said, his voice a little raspy.
"I told you I would be."
"Lance, did my dad-"
"Shhh, don't worry about it. Just rest," I told him, giving him my best smile.
"You'll be here when I wake up?"
"Where else would I be?"
He smiled at me again and closed his eyes, the tiredness inside him winning over. And it was then that I realized something.
Where was Roy?
*
I tried to remember how it was that I came standing face to face with Roy in the deserted hallway of the hospital.
Then I remembered. JC was sleeping, I was thirsty, so I got up quietly and went to the cafeteria soda machines for a Coke. I was walking back to JC's room when I ran into Roy. Describing the situation as awkward would be the understatement of the year.
What would he say to me? Would he tell me to leave, because I wasn't "family"? Honestly, I didn't think there was anything worse he could do to me. With that thought in my mind, I decided I would just stand up to him. "Look, Roy, I know you don't like me, and I know you think that I corrupted Josh, but I didn't. The only thing I've done to JC is love him, and I know you don't approve, but that's your problem, not mine. I don't deserve to be punished for your ignorance."
Roy just stood there, looking at me. I thought he was angry, angrier than words, but when he spoke, his voice held a sadness and tiredness I had never heard from him before.
"When Joshua woke up," he started, "the first thing he asked was where you were. Karen... she told him what I had done to you, all of it. The look on his face... he was so angry. He was weak, he could barely talk, but what he told me... I'll never forget it Lance. He told me that you were more his family than I ever would be. Then he told me to get out. So I did. And I've been wandering these halls ever since, thinking. And you know what I came up with?"
He paused, looking at me like I was going to know the answer. "What?" I asked. "I decided that we need to come to some kind of peaceful agreement with each other. Act civil, pretend that we're fine with each other, so that-"
"No," I said, interrupting him. "We can't just pretend to be buddy-buddy, Roy. God, you told my parents I was gay! That was something I needed to do, something that might've turned out better had it come from my lips and not yours. You royally fucked up everything, and as far as I'm concerned, you deserve what you get from JC. You have to face your own demons before you can face his, Roy."
Any trace of friendliness, fake or not, was gone from his face, replaced with the hardness I was so familiar with. "Your parents have common sense, they would've reacted smartly, like they did, no matter who told them the truth about you. And it's Mr. Chasez to you."
He turned and stalked off, going back to his self pity, thinking that he was the better man. I watched his back as his figure got smaller and smaller, instantly feeling bad for the way I talked to him, but somehow I couldn't feel the remorse I should've had I talked to anyone else the way I talked to him.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around to see Joey, Chris, and Justin standing there. "Hey," was all Chris said before he pulled me into a tight embrace. I felt Justin and Joey's arms around me, and it was like I could feel their love and support, and that made me feel so much better.
"How's JC?" Justin asked as we all pulled away from each other. "He's okay, he sleeps a lot, and I can't see him that much because of Roy, but..." I shrugged, trying not to show how much Roy affected me. How much he hurt me.
"He's a bastard Lance, you can trash him if you want," Joey said, and I smiled. "Thanks Joe, I'll keep that in mind."
"Can... can we see JC?" Justin asked, and I looked down the hall Roy had just gone down. Turning back to the guys, I nodded and lead them to JC's room.
And I knew I had to put up my strong front, because JC needed me to be the strong one.
But how could I hold him up when I couldn't even hold myself?
*
