They called it Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, PSC for short. A disease of the bile ducts.
That wouldn't have been so bad. I could've dealt with that, but they didn't count on me having Cirrhosis as well. Hell, I didn't even count on me having it. It's not like I'm an alcoholic, I mean I have drinks and everything, I guess they just added up. Both of the diseases are killing the bile ducts in my liver. I need a liver transplant, and I've been on the list since early April. It's December now, the 27th to be exact.
I don't want to die.
They found the PSC in late February of this year. They said that it was okay, that I would be okay. I just needed a transplant, and there was no real hurry, because they had caught the disease somewhat early enough. Then in June they found the Cirrhosis, and that damage was being done to my liver cells twice as fast. They started to get a little more serious after that.
When I started to show all the symptoms of my disease all the time, the guys got really scared, and canceled our tour of the album we did that followed 'No Strings Attatched'. Soon after that, I started coming into the hospital regularly. The guys tried to come by as much as they could, but they all seemed to want to do other things, and soon I started to feel like I was just a priority to them. Well, all of them except Lance.
Lance, who has been here by my side day and night, who holds my hand when they give me shots or draw my blood, who tells me stories when I have a day when the sickness really gets to me, who is a constant comfort, who is just always here for me.
He doesn't have to be, but he is.
And I'm in love with him because of it. Don't get me wrong, I loved Lance unrequittedly way before I even got sick, but I love him so much more now, after I got sick.
Lance was here with me all of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day, watching the cheesy Santa movies with me, reading almost every Christmas story there is to me, and then giving me the greatest present. It was this CD of songs the guys had sang, just for me. My favorite part is Lance's solo.
I look out my window. It's dark, but I can see the small white flakes of snow.
It hardly ever snows in Florida. I turn my head and look at Lance, sleeping in the chair next to my bed. He's holding my hand. I give it a small squeeze.
I can feel it now, my life slipping away. And strangely enough, I feel very calm. I only have one regret.
That I'll never have the chance to tell Lance I love him.
*
It snowed. I remember that very clearly. It never snows in Florida, that's why it was so memorable. I woke up, and JC's hand felt colder than usual. I looked at him, and he looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake him up. Then I realized he looked almost too peaceful. Then I noticed his heart moniter. And saw only the flat line.
I think my heart literally stopped. Then I noticed that there were people in the room, nurses un-attatching the IV's and tubes from his body. "No!" I shouted, the tears starting to fall down my face. "No, he's needs those, don't take them off!"
The nurses looked at me with pity, but I could tell that they didn't really care one way or the other.
JC's hand was still in mine. "Don't do this, JC! Don't leave me, don't you dare leave me!" I was hitting him, sobbing on his chest, screaming at him to come back, that I needed him. That I loved him.
I stopped hitting, stopped moving, stopped speaking after I said that. I didn't plan on saying that. I didn't even mean to say it.
In that moment, however, in that twisted, ironic moment, with me sitting there watching as two nurses covered JC with a blanket and wheeled his bed out of the room, I realized it was true.
I loved him. I loved Josh, I loved everything about him, every little part of him I loved. And the bitter irony hit me full force, that I had realized it too late. I remember crying a lot that day.
I didn't want to tell the guys on the phone, so I called them all and told them to meet me at the hospital. I told them all when they came. That was hard. Justin took it the hardest of them, I think. He was always close to JC.
I called JC's family and told them. It surprised me when his mother started to sob into the phone. Josh came out to us about a year and a half before he got sick, right before the big lawsuit with Lou. I think he was grateful for our support, because his parents sure as hell didn't give him any. They turned him away, and denied him from their family.
I know how much that hurt him. I hate them for that. They came to the funeral, and they cried, and I felt bad for thinking that it was their loss. And that his parents deserved the guilt they were feeling.
It was still snowing at his funeral. Big, white flakes. They covered the flowers up, but who wants wedding decorations at a funeral anyway? I didn't listen to the preist give his burial surmon. I barely took in Justin, who gave the eulogy. I just wanted JC back at that moment, I wanted to hold him, and tell him that I was stupid for not realizing it sooner, that I loved him.
I wanted to do a lot of things. I couldn't stay, after the funeral. I had to leave, it was all just too much. It was too hard.
I went back to the cemetary on New Years Eve. The coffin was in the ground, and there weren't as many flowers around. I looked at the headstone, saw what it read:
Joshua Scott Chasez
Aug. 8, 1976 - Dec. 27, 2001
Loving Son, Brother, and Friend
I was glad it said loving, instead of beloved, because JC's parents didn't deserve to have the title of loving parents on JC's grave. I knelt down in front of the grave, a single red rose in one hand, and JC's leo necklace in the other. I placed the rose on the ground, and hung the necklace from the small curve in the top center of the grave.
"I'll love you forever," I said, kissing the headstone.
I closed my eyes, and suddenly it got colder. I opened my eyes back up and looked around. I wasn't in the cemetary anymore. I was in darkness, but I felt as if I got up and turned on a light, I'd be in a room. Then I heard a voice, but I couldn't see anyone.
"Do you know why you are here?"
I looked around. I still couldn't see anyone, just the darkness.
"I see that you do not. And that must mean that you do not know who I am, either."
I still couldn't see anyone, and I didn't know if I was dreaming or not.
"I am the power that controls all of destiny. Fate, if you will. And I have a proposition for you."
I didn't say anything, and the voice of fate continued. "You loved your friend Joshua, but realized it too late. I am here to right that wrong. You two were written in the stars, meant to be together. I'm giving you a chance to make that right. To change the past. I will turn back the hands of time one full year from the day your friend died, and let you do things differently. Only you will have the memory of what has happened this past year. Change the past, if you wish, or leave it the same, it's up to you. I am merely giving you the oppurtunity."
"You mean... you'll let Josh live again so I can tell him I love him? You'll bring him back?"
"For the year. When the day he dies comes around again, he will die, no matter what you do. I am giving you back a year, to do things as they were meant to be. You decide if you want to take it or not."
How could I chose between that? Live without JC, or live with him knowing he was going to die?
But I had to know. I had to see if what Fate was saying was true, if we really were meant to be together.
Fate seemed to read my thoughts, because suddenly I wasn't in the blackness, I wasn't cold anymore. I was in Justin's house, in the living room, sitting on the couch.
Sitting next to someone I never thought I'd ever see again.
*
