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J o k e s

I sure hope you are at least 16! Some of these jokes are nasty or just not for young'uns! If you have any good jokes, please send them! So if you are not 16+, please leave NOW, or I'll get ya!



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN (hint! hint guys!)
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her (in good ways),
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

    A five-year-old boy was accused of making a teenage girl pregnant. In court, the mother pleaded with the judge that her son couldn't possibly have done it. She unzipped the boy's fly, exposing his dick. "Look your honor," she said, "See how tiny his organ is. He couldn't possibly have--"

    "Mother, please," the boy whispered urgently, "if you don't stop stroking it, we're sure to lose this case."

    A busy executive goes to the doctore for a complete physical.

    The doctor explains, "We have a new computer that, with only a urine specimen, can tell us everything that is wrong with you."

    "Great!" says the executive. "Let's do it."

    The doctor gives the man a beaker. He goes into the men's room and comes out with a full container. The doctor then pours its contents into the computer. The computer begins to click and buzz and make strange sounds. After less than a minute, it stops and issues a long computer print out.

    The doctor picks it up and is studying for a long time. Finally the man says, "What is it, doc? Am I all right?"

    "According to this," says the doctor, "you're fine except that you have tennis elbow."

    "But that's impossible!" says the man. "I don't play tennis! I don't even play golf. I don't do anything like that!"

    "Well," the doctor said, "the machine is never wrong. At least it's never been wrong yet. But I'll tell you what I'll do. You take this sterilized jar home with you tonight. Urinate into it tomorrow, first thing int the morning, bring it in, and I'll run it through the computer once again, free of charge. How does that sound?"

"Fair enough," says the executive.

    As the man is driving home, he starts to think about the diagnosis and begins to get very angry about how computers are taking over the world. By the time he goes home, he has decided that he is going to "fix" that computer.

    He gets out of his car and pisses a little into he jar. He then takes the dipstick out of his engine and swishes it in the urine.

    Then he tells his wife and daughter about the whole thing and has them both urinate into the jar.

    Finally, the next morning, before leaving home, he goes out behind a tree in his backyard and masturbates into the jar. He then drives into town, chuckling to himself.

    "How are you this morning?" ask the doctor as he sees the man coming in.

    "Fine, doc," he laughs.

    "You seem to be in good spirits," says the doctor as he pours the specimen into the computer. Once again, it begins to click and buzz, and in less than minutes, out comes a long piece of paper.

    As the doctor studies it, the executive asks, "So Doc, heh heh, what does it say today?"

   "Well," answers the doctor, "according to this, your car needs an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, you wife has gonorrhea, and your tennis elbow is going to get a lot worse if you don't stop jerking off like that."


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