Q: A french horn and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower.
Q: A clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.
Q: A saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: The grip.
Q: An accordion and a trampoline?
A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
trampoline.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld?
A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
better."
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves
around him.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A violin burns faster.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists
Glossary Of Musical Terms
ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the
restroom.
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the
ensemble.
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are
three kinds:
1. MAJOR Interval: A long time
2. Minor Interval: A few bars
3. Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again
INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
Middle Ages
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the
other half
MINNESINGER: A boy soprano
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it
again. Also known as faking
NEUMS: Renaissance midgets
NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets
ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education
ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts
TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge
LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
SANCTA: Clausula's husband
LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale
DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys
LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows - or
LAI: A flower necklace from Hawaii
VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai
CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister
MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded
ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one
PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire
DUCTIA: Vire's organum
MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line
BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short
TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early
LONGA: The time between visits with Vire
PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai
CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is
not used
DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet
RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet
SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet
ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town
ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists,
cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper
HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum
QUAVER: Beginning viol class
RACKETT: Capped reeds class
RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi
SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church
SUPERTONIC: Schweppes
TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to
soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
TROPE: A malevolent Neum
TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts
STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ
AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer
METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer
RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had
ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras
Collected from : Dr. John Robison, USF College of Music
