Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.
He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs ..."If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"No man is as clever as his mother thinks he is ...
or as dumb as his mother-in-law thinks he is.Life isn't fair to men. When they are born, their mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When they are married, their brides get the presents and the publicity. When they have a kid, their wives gets all the attention. When they die, their widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind : u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted : "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"son : "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
father : "I don't know son, I'm still paying."wife : "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
husband : "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got five Girl Friends.A man said his credit card was stolen. But he decided not to report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.son : "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
father : "That happens in every country, son."Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married ... and then it was too late!"Love
is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.A Code of Honor : Never approach a friend's girlfriend
or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -
Bruce FriedmanA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -
Marvin KitmanA gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen RowlandA man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love ... if there's a phone handy.
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
Bachelor : the only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride : A woman
with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."By all means marry. If you
get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
SocratesCorrection : Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka : Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22Diplomat : A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless
legislation.Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.Honolulu - it's
got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken DoddHusband : a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.
TynanI think of my wife and I think of Lot and I think of the lucky break he got.I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?
Phyllis DillerI've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.
ChekhovIf you never want to see a man again,
say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children ..." - they leave skid marks.
Rita RudnerIf your wife wants to learn how to drive,
don't stand in her way.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!Joint Checking Account : a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.Long engagements give
people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.
Oscar WildeLosing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.Love : An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Man and wife make one fool.Many a wife thinks her husband
is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
Cass DaleyMarriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and
Reno.Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo ...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.Marriage : A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.Marriage
: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.May you grow so rich your
widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.May
you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.May you never leave your marriage alive.May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
H.L. MenckenMy darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's and she says I'm lucky to have them.My other wife is beautiful.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey
; she always lets me have her way.Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
PJ O'RourkeNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
Honore de BalzacNothing says
loving like marrying your cousin!
Al BundyI had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.Nuns : Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
W. Somerset MaughamSecond marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Shotgun wedding : a case of wife or death
.Spinster : A bachelor's wife.Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.To heck with marrying a girl
who makes biscuits like her mother -- I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism
and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English
common law : Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.
Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older
man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There's a way of transferring funds
that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup
, whenever you're wrong, admit it and whenever you're right, shut up.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
What's new? Most of my wife.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.Wife : The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.Disclaimer : Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.May you learn to perform miracles : earn a living and marry off your daughters.May your daughters marry men of substance : gypsies with two bears.Sign in a marriage counselor's window : "Out to lunch - Think it over."The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
20 years!!! If your marriage had been a murder, you would be out by now!
[Courtesy : 'King of the Hill']This slide show is longer than the damn marriage!
[courtesy : 'King of the Hill']wife : I used to love
Valentine's Day. Then I met your father.
husband : I used to love everyday
[Courtesy : Everybody Loves Raymond]wife : I'm going shopping, Frank. You'll be amazed at your generosity!
[Courtesy : Everybody Loves Raymond]"Buy a girl a dress and she will look good for one night.
Buy a guy a pinball machine and she will look good for life."
Michael Kelso in 'That '70s Show'.
When push comes to shove, somebody's going to figure out that
'push' and 'shove' mean the same damn thing.