Christopher Miller aka grandpaboy
May 19, 2001
Subject : Pelican
It was a day like any other. I was pouring cat litter into my neighbor's well when I heard a strange and disturbing sound. ... It was a pelican, croaking orders to the alligator on who's back he rode. I understand some pelicanese, but I couldn't quite hear him. His tone indicated displeasure, and he looked kinda pissed off, as only a pelican can. They lumbered determinedly past -- the reptile taxi and his fare.
Goodcritters
I sensed that this odd pairing (even by Florida standards) was part of a larger animal syndicate of networked criminals out of Louisiana called the "Animafia." It didn't take a detective to figure that out. ... The pelican talked out of the side of his beak, smoking a cheap cigar, and the gator wore an outdated plaid jacket. I placed the litter box on the neighbor's bird feeder and pulled my pants up. I followed the two to see what I could discover.
The Summit
Several miles later, they ducked into an irrigation ditch that led quickly to a marsh. I hid behind a palmetto and peeked through the reeds. ... It was a gathering of every species of creature and every type of criminal that one could imagine. There were safe-cracking squirrels, money-laundering manitees, bank-robbing boars, drug-peddling ducks, strong-arm storks, prostitute-pimping 'possums, horse-betting horses and, of course, cat burglers and a loan shark. They all sat in a semi-circle facing their capo, Don Pelican.
The List
The cacophony of growls & groans, chirps & chippers, rumbles & roars, whinnies & woofs and hoots & honks was deafening. ... Then, Don Pelican stood on a cypress stump and silence spread through the assembly like malaria. He gentlepelicanly thanked the gathered guests for attending, and he motioned for one of his henchminks to hand him a scroll. From it, he announced the names of animals from the Battaglia Family that were to be whacked for an apparent double-cross resulting from a drug swindle.
Witnessed
At this point, I was beginning to tremble. If my presence was discovered, especially after having overheard conspiracy plans for assassinations, I would surely get the Colombian necktie treatment! I slunk slowly into the water and unstrapped my banjo. I wanted to be invisible. The talk ensued : Willie "Bugsy" Boa was to be in charge of the hits. Anthony "Fat Tony" Turtle was the designer. And Joseph "Ringo" Raccoon was to run interference. Don Pelican wanted to maintain some distance between himself and the crimes and so had no role in the intended affair.
The Plan
The players rode slowly to Mustache Pete's Pizzeria where the assassinations would take place. Fat Tony rode astride a pig, Ringo was toted by an alligator, Bugsy flew overhead -- with help from Sonny "Flim-Flam" Flamingo. The pace was so slow that I easily tailed them along the route, staying just far enough behind to remain hidden. Outside the diner, they took their posts. The first to get hit, the biggest danger, was Carmine Coyote. Ringo was to hop on his back and claw his eyes while Bugsy squeezed his neck and choked him. Interestingly enough, the alligator took no action other than protection for Fat Tony who wasn't much of a tough guy. The other targets, two chipmunks and a crab, would come next, but there was no real plan for that eventuality. It would be no sweat!
The Hit
Carmine strode out the front door, cocky and kinetic as always, chewing on a toothpick. ... It happened with lightning speed! Flim-Flam dropped Bugsy from the sky onto the coyote's neck; Ringo rushed to him and frantically clawed at his face and eyes; and Salvatore "The Aristocrat" Alligator, acting on surprise orders from Fat Tony, swallowed the chipmunks and crab in one fluid motion. He paused briefly, to give them a second to realize their peril, and then he chomped once, quickly, and crushed their bodies simultaneously. Carmine was slower to die, but eventually his air passage was constricted to a hole the size of a swizzle stick and he suffocated.
The Getaway
The adrenaline rush that I was receiving was intense! I lifted the clown mask and removed the snorkle so that I could catch my breath. ... This was the most exciting thing I had ever seen. An actual mob rubout! Fuggedaboudit!! The murderers slowly, methodically, escaped. And I followed, not as cautiously this time, almost hoping to be discovered. I wanted to be a part of this. I wanted the exitement and the power and the money. I wanted it all! Police frogs pursued the hitmen but they were no match for the high-powered alligator and pig. They couldn't keep up.
Separate Ways
Along the escape route, we passed a service station where I came out from hiding and purchased an orange Nehi. The mobsters were aware of my presence now, as I was being careless and cavalier, and they discussed the situation. ... Suddenly, they turned and stood motionless. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Then Fat Tony, the consigliere and spokesperson for Don Pelican, motioned for me to turn around. He was telling me that, although I had witnessed four brutal murders at the hands of the Animafia, he was willing to let me go. But there was no chance of me infiltrating their group or being a member. As I walked away, I turned my head briefly and saw The Aristocrat hold a single claw up to his mouth. Shhhhhh!
Afterward
Feeling brave and untouchable, I made my way toward the red light district. Police frogs hopped past me. They took a left on Shelby, losing the assassins altogether, and headed toward the pier. At 4th Avenue, I saw a beautiful muskrat named Trixie standing underneath a "Muskrats Muskrats Muskrats -- All Nude All The Time" marquis. She asked me if I wanted a date and I said "sure, you only live once!"
