COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
... who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Female Applicants must be childless ( and remain that way ).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

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I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me
for "my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".

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