fixed disk : a broken disk that comes back from the shop
flash EPROM : what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms)
flat bed scanner : a hooker looking for loose change
flat file : a file with all the air out of it
full duplex : a 2-family house with 16 occupants
groupware : clothes swapping
hacker : a heavy smoker
half-height drive : a midget's sexual capacity
hand scanner : singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings
heap : what I drive
high density diskette : a very stupid floppy
home computer : what you tell your computer when it follows you
hypertext : text on amphetamines
ink jet : a plan used for sky writing
integrated circuit : a circuit with black & white components
joystick : (requires little explanation)
local bus : stops at every intersection
lost chains : euphoria experienced by the recently divorced
low-level language : for basement programmers
high-level language : for penthouse programmers
machine dependency : an affliction of machine users
mag tape : tape used on the wheels of cars
mainframe : akin to "main squeeze"
main memory : remembering where the water line is
math coprocessor : the person you cheated from in math class
megaflop : the worst play you ever saw
minicomputer : the pier to Mickey's computer
modem : what the gardener did to the lawns
multi-sync : can be sunk more than once
native mode : head hunting
on-line : where the birds sit
overlay : chickens making too many eggs
pentium : the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock
plotter : a deceitful person
postscript : grafitti on a pole
protected memory : remembering to wear a condom
record locking : what you do to your Beetle White Album
right justified : v. wrongly justified
software piracy : stealing a ship's program
spreadsheet : a hooker's foreplay
streaming tape : party decorations
subroutine : not quite routine
surge protector : a condom
token ring : a group of people passing the bong
trackball : what sprinters and runners often get
twisted pair : tubes tied
word wrap : black music
worksheet : a prostitutes office
Ymodem : because, modem
Computer Experts Glossary
ADA : Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
Bug : An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of ``debugging,'' or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
Cache :
A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.
Design : What you regret not doing later on
.
Documentation : Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.
Economies of scale : The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.
Hardware : The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Information Center : A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing : What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence
.
Machine-indepenent program : A program that will not run on any machine.
Meeting : An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.
Minicomputer : A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
Office Automation : The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
On-line : The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Pascal : A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Performance : A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
Priority : A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
Quality control : Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
Regression analysis : Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.
Strategy
: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Systems programmer : A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss.
Software Engineering Glossary
All new : The software is not compatible with previous versions.
Advanced design : Upper management doesn't understand it.
Breakthrough : It nearly booted on the first try.
Capability maturity model : A method of determining to what extent the developer can reasonably be blamed for the inevitable failure.
Cleanroom : A management technique that applies to horizontal interfaces what the mushroom technique applies to vertical interfaces.
Compiler : A tool for adding an exciting amount of uncertainty to the size, speed and correctness of a program.
Computer human interface : The means by which the program conditions the user into never trying all the things that don't work.
Cost modelling : A means of convincing the customer to pay for whomever you need to keep employed this year.
Customer : A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
Debugger : A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.
Design : The activity of preparing for a design review.
Design review : A process for ensuring you know exactly what it is you won't build.
Design simplicity : It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
Documentary hypothesis : The discredited notion that software is the outcome of a systematic and rational process of development, rather than the result of divine inspiration.
Documentation : A process for converting trees into entropy, usually applied to provide busywork for the people whose employment cannot be justified by cost modelling.
Domain : A class of applications where failure on one project gives you an advantage in bidding on the next.
Enhancement : Breaking what you did right and getting paid for it. [see also: maintenance]
Exclusive : We're the only ones who have the documentation.
Field tested : Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
Foolproof operation : All parameters are hard coded.
Formal verification : The construction of an incorrect proof isomorphic to an incorrect program.
Function point analysis : Cost modelling a program by what it won't do, rather than by how big it won't be.
Futuristic : It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
Incremental implementation : Delivering several partial products each for the price of a complete one.
It's here at last : We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
Maintenance : Fixing what you did wrong and getting paid for it. [see also : enhancement]
Maintenance free : It's impossible to fix.
Meets quality standards : It compiles without errors.
New : It comes in different colors from the previous version.
Performance proven : It works through beta test.
Programs : What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.
Programmer : One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.
Project management : The art of always knowing how badly you're doing your work and how late you're doing it.
Quality assurance : A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.
Real time : An attribute applied to software that's even more expensive than can be justified by cost modelling.
Requirements analysis : Determining what it is you can't do before failing to do it.
Requirements engineering : Convincing the customer to want what you think you can build.
Requirements review : Explaining what the customer won't get in language they don't understand.
Reuse : Using an existing product in a new context; especially as applied to proposals, resumes, disclaimers and excuses.
Revolutionary : The disk drives go round and round.
Satisfaction Guaranteed : We'll send you another copy if it fails.
Software engineer : One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.
Spiral model : A development model that allows you to fail in a small way several times over. [see also: waterfall model]
State-of-the-art : What we could do with enough money.
State-of-the-practice : What we can do with the money you have.
Stock item : We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
Structured walkthrough : The process whereby the false assumptions of one member become shared by an entire team.
Technology transition : Helping people replace old useless processes, methods and tools with new useless processes, methods and tools.
Testing : A process for ensuring that the product will work in all circumstances that anybody other than the user can imagine.
Total quality management : A way of teaching your managers five words of Japanese, without any risk that they will acquire an equivalent amount of competence.
Unprecedented performance : Nothing ever ran this slow before.
User : A harmless drudge.
Waterfall model : A development model that allows you to fail in a big way just once.
Years of development : We finally got one to work.
