Assorted Jokes

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Assorted Jokes

COMMUNICATION
Husband is deeply lost in thought...
wife : what are you thinking, dear?
husband : if i had wanted you to know, i would be talking.
--- courtesy --- MARRIED WITH CHILDREN
RELATIVITY
A couple is in a car. A group of mules pass by...
husband : relatives of yours i suppose...
wife : yes honey - by marriage.
AQUAINTANCE
A couple is strolling on th beach...A good looking woman passes by...
woman : hi charlie, how are you?
husband : pretty good. how are you heather?
wife : who is she?
husband : oh, she is a professional acquaintance...
wife : whose profession - yours or hers?
HAPPINESS
Comedian Rodney Dangerfield says : my wife and i were happy for 20 years...
SLEEP
A newly-wed couple has just returned from its honey moon...
a veteran wife next door : how was your honey moon?
bride : it was fantastic.
wife : does your husband snore?
bride : i don't know.
wife : don't you know whether your husband snores while he is sleeping?
bride : who slept?
BLAME
Comedian Rita Rudner says :
ane, a new mother : i am worried...what if my child blames me for all
his troubles in life and his misfortunes?
FRIEND IN JESUS
A priest was assigned to a new parish. He was very boring and gave very
long sermons on sundays in the church. The parishners wanted a break.
One sunday, the priest made an announcement.
priest : it is god jesus's wish that i go and serve in a different parish.
i'll be leaving next week. god bless you all.
TASTE
wife : honey, i think the man next door is making passes at me.
husband : is that so, sweet heart...i thought he had better taste than that.
THREE TIMES A DAY
wife : our next door neighbor makes love to his wife three times a day...
why don't you do that?
husband : i am ready dear...do you think her husband will mind?
IF ONLY ...
Two men die and meet in hell.
bob : how did you get here?
bill : my wife was having an affair. so one day i came home suddenly from work and shot my wife. i searched the house for that man. but i could not
find him. then i shot myself....how did you get here?
bob : if only you had looked in the basement freezer...
DAMN GLASSES
Nicole (o.j.simpson's wife) and Ron (Nicole's friend) meet in heaven...
Ron : here are your mother's damn glasses.
THUMB WEAR
A villager in India goes to a doctor. He had 6 children and did not want any more. So he consulted the doctor regarding the same. The doctor advised him to use condoms and demonstrated it using his thumb. The villager was happy and left with the condoms the doctor gave him. After a few months, the villager came back and shouted at the doctor that his wife was pregnant again in spite of using condoms.
doctor : did you use it properly like i told you?
villager : what do you think i am, an idiot? i have been wearing this on my thumb every time we make love, just like you told me to.
CAUSE AND EFFECT
A village in India was exploding with population way above the normal rate of increase. This puzzled the government officials. so they went to that village to investigate. After months of work, they found out that there was a train passing through that village at 4 am in the morning every day. It was so loud that it woke up the whole village every single day. So the couples in the village were having fun everyday at this time because it was too early to get up... and too late to go back to sleep again...
SHARED LABOR
A couple was expecting their fifth child. The husband was very sympathetic to his wife and prayed to god that men should bear half the labor pain since they are also involved in the whole process. he prayed to god : god, please let the father of the child bear half the pain. The baby became due for his wife. she was in labor. but the husband did not have any pain at all...instead the next door neighbor was howling in pain...
KIDS' WORLD
In a class for the 6th graders, the teacher was conducting a test on how well kids associate the slogans with the compnies' name they watch on TV.
Teacher : We love to fly and it shows....something special in the air.
Bob : American Airlines !
Teacher : A different kind of company A different kind of status.
Billy : Saturn !
Teacher : I love what you do for me, ....
Jane : Toyota !
Teacher : Just do it.
John : MOM !
WHAT AM I ...
A couple was at the beach getting some sun. Nearby, a good looking woman was playing with some children, having a wonderful time in general.
Husband : That woman seems to be very funny, intelligent and good looking. That is the kind of woman I have been looking all my life.
Wife(very very angry) : What am I, a chop liver?

A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend.
A succesful woman is one who can find that man.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 are followers of women.

Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those that were not - he covered them with hair.

Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or the wife.

A sunday school teacher asked a little boy, "Johnny where is God?" "In the bathroom of my house," replied Johnny. "why do u say that?" inquired the shocked teacher. "Because every morning my daddy pounds on the door and says "My God, are you still there?"

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" A student in the back row replied "A Teacher".

Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shinning and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Bank accounts are like toothpaste:easy to take out but hard to put back

The doctor jumped from the bed, got dressed and said to his wife, "Quick, get me my medical bag, some man just phoned and said he can't live without me." "Take it easy dear," said the wife, "that call was for me."

John : I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.
Peter : You will look silly riding a cow.
John : I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

Teacher : John, did your sister help you with your homework?
John : No, Miss. She did it all.

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Tara : I think our school is haunted.
Mara : Why do you say that?
Tara : Because the principal is always going on and on about the school spirit.

How do you keep a nitwit happy?
Give him a piece of paper with P.T.O. written on both sides.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Once an aeroplane asked a rocket : "Hey Man ! How come you move so fast ?"
The rocket replied : "Well, You will know only when your ass is on fire."

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man, "Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. First you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do you do if you are stuck in a locked room with an axe murderer, a mofia hit man and a lawyer and a gun with 2 bullets?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he is dead.