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83 One Liners

  1. Assembly line workers do it over and over.
  2. At a nude wedding everybody can see who the best man is.
  3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  4. Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
  5. Bachelor: A guy who has cheated a woman out of a divorce.
  6. Backup Not Found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic.
  7. Bacteria : Rear entrance to a cafeteria.
  8. Bad command or filename! Go stand in the corner.
  9. Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawal.
  10. Barney Beefcow says ,"Eat Me!" -A public service announcement.
  11. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
  12. BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN
  13. BATHROOM HUMOR : We aim to please, could you aim too please?!
  14. Be kind to plants --- eat more herbivores.
  15. Be spontaneous ... ... combust.
  16. Become a programmer and never see the world.
  17. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
  18. Berserkers do it without thinking.
  19. Bigamist : One who makes the same mistake twice.
  20. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
  21. BIGAMY : only crime where two rites make a wrong.
  22. Bill of Rights : Void where Prohibited by Law.
  23. Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
  24. Blame Murphy when you dig at the wrong end of a rainbow.
  25. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
  26. Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
  27. Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
  28. Bodybuilder; n. : Someone who is fit for nothing.
  29. Boredom -- the desire for desires -- Leo Tolstoy
  30. BorgDOS v5.0 - Assimilate Another? [Y/n]
  31. BOSS spelled backwards is Double S-O-B.
  32. Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
  33. Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.
  34. BREKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding.
  35. Budget : A method for going broke methodically.
  36. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  37. Bugs are sons of glitches.
  38. Build a system a fool can use and only fools will use it.
  39. Bureaucracy Rule #1 : Expand to fill all available resources.
  40. Button : "If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning."
  41. 74% of people surveyed say that 43% of all statistics are useless.
  42. 1st rule of marriage: If you're right, apologize fast.
  43. 3x10^5 km/sec. It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
  44. 8 of 10 Americans suffer from hemorrhoids. 2 enjoy them!
  45. 355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
  46. 640k = 4480 in dog bytes.
  47. 667 -- the neighbor of the beast.
  48. 1024x768x256 ... Sounds like one mean woman.
  49. A book is like a leg, only it doesn't bleed as much if you stab it.
  50. A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
  51. A cat's worst enemy is a closed door.
  52. A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
  53. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  54. A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
  55. A computer never forgives or forgets.
  56. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
  57. A coward is a hero with a wife , kids and a mortgage.
  58. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
  59. "A feature is a bug with seniority."
  60. A fool and his money are soon elected.
  61. A good hacker knows all the right MOVs.
  62. A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
  63. A good organizer is one who is careful to plan ahe
  64. A good pun is its own reword.
  65. A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
  66. A KGB keyboard has no key.
  67. A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone.
  68. A lie is terminological inexactitude.
  69. A low yield atomic bomb is like being a little bit pregnant.
  70. A mainframe : The biggest PC peripheral available.
  71. A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing.
  72. A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
  73. A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
  74. A motion to adjourn is always in order.
  75. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
  76. A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
  77. A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
  78. A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
  79. A penny saved is a congressional oversight.
  80. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
  81. A shower is the halfway point between bed and world.
  82. A signature always reveals a man's character -and sometimes even his name.
  83. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

pearly gates - humor page