Willie : Go, go back to the tent. ALF : It's to dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty foot snake with my pocket knife! Willie :
There are no fifty foot water snakes in the backyard. ALF : I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths (spiting water sound)
. Willie : That was my new garden hose. Alf : Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spiket!
(ALF is writing a love letter for a girl that Jake likes.) ALF : Willie, what's another word for beautiful? Willie : Attractive. ALF : What's another word for attractive? Willie : Alluring. ALF : What's another word for alluring?
Willie : Annoying. ALF : What's another word for annoying?
Willie : ALF. ALF : That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with "Oh, Baby."
(Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him.) ALF : I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed : "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF : Where I'm from, this is ludicrous! It's like having a funeral for a hamburger!
ALF : Kate, have I ever lied to you? Kate : Yes. Several times. ALF : I meant today!
(ALF is patrolling the backyard for mobsters) ALF : Name's ALF. I carry a bat.
ALF : If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
Willie:
Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do. ALF : Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
(ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie) ALF : Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian. Kate : What's wrong with Brian
ALF : He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate (in a sudden burst of anger) : All right!!! That's it. Willie :
Calm down. ALF : Stop ventilating. Kate : I am not ventilating. I am talking! (to Willie) and I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up. ALF
: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress. Willie : And you are spouting out a lot of psychological cliches you don't even understand. ALF : Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay. Willie : This must stop. ALF : That's right. A good scream. Let it fly. Willie : You cannot keep aggravating
people like this. ALF : Why do you hate your mother?
(ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flour.) Willie : You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny! ALF : Can we talk about this later? I have to make number 4!
Brian : You'll have
to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF. ALF : All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude! People think you're hiding something!
(ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF.) Willie : Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half
an hour! HA! ALF : No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month! Willie : BURRRP! I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes! ALF : I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimutalting. I know - let's conjugate verbs! Willie : No, how about if we just break things?
(Crumbles up a piece of bread ALF : Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG! Willie : All right, then. How about if we eat the cat? (Eyes Lynn as if she was the cat) How ya doin', Lucky? ALF : Sorry. Household rule # 856, subsection D, paragraph e : We do not eat the cat!
Willie : Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like-I like anarchy!
ALF : Well, I'm against anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
Kate : Don't break that remote! ALF : Kate, have I ever broken anything? (Kate stares at him.) ALF : Well, lately? This week? Today? Since breakfast?
Willie : You didn't eat all the cat food, did you? ALF : No way! I draw the line at intestinal byproducts!
ALF : We only had 10 major organs, 8 of which are stomachs. Willie: I would have guessed all 10.
(Willie's Uncle Albert has just died.) ALF : Did you get those canned peaches, Willie?
I need to finish basting the deceased. (Willie runs out to the backyard to where Uncle Albert is.) ALF : Hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
Kate : If you need us, we'll be at the Waxman Funeral Parlor.
Lynn : OK, have fun.
ALF : Finger sandwiches? And you won't let me eat cats!
(ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting.) ALF : I know : to get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marrige. Lynn : I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was. ALF : The day they met me? Lynn : Think again. ALF : The day after they met me.
Lynn : Keep thinking! ALF : I can't! My brain hurts
Brian
: Your name's really Gordon? ALF : Yeah, Gordon. Brian :
That's funny. ALF : It was my mother's maiden name, all right?
ALF : Willie, you really dated Kate's sister? The hideous one?
(ALF has made a deal with Willy and Kate that for a week he will be really good so that he can live in the house again. It is the last day of the deal and he has made a nice dinner, but at sundown he is gonna be good old ALF again)
ALF (to Lucky) : 6:13. One minute to go Luckmeister and then I'll be down on
you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
ALF : Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn’t like your looks, (points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound) ak-ak-ak-ak-ak! Willy :
You mean he’d shoot you if he didn’t like how you looked?! ALF : No! He’d just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!"
ALF : Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate? Willy : In the shower. ALF : Oh good! (exits room) Lynn : He wouldn't. Willy : He might! Kate : (from the shower) ahhhh! ALF! ALF : (walks into room) I found her!
(ALF walks out of the Ochmoneck's kitchen with a toaster oven in his hands) Willy : ALF what are you doing? ALF :
How long do you preheat this thing for a cat?
(ALF has been quoting everyone) Willy : How long are you gonna keep this up ALF : Well in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks!" Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon? Willy : No! ALF : Well I'd like too! Willy : How can you be hungry? Didn't you spend the whole night eating ... cats? ALF : Yeah, it's a wonder I don't feel bloated! Speaking of cats, I have something stored in the garage. Willy :(gets up) this way please! (ALF and Willy go to the garage) Willy : Whoever's cat you have in here, you're going to return them all. ALF :
No problem! (Willy opens the door and sees a tiger on the table, ALF licks his chops. Willy closes the door with a look of surprise on his face.) Willy : We'll deal with this after breakfast.
(ALF is narrating the
events that happen on a night when Raquel comes over to babysit Brian.)
ALF : I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles : an hour later, you're hungry again.
(ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window.) ALF : (narrating) Then it happened : HE came into
my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me : Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. ALF : Can you take a little
constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong. Burglar : (examines ALF) Must be one of those talking dolls. ALF : Oh yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
(ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting.) ALF : Kate, there's no TV in here! Kate : We'll let you use the portable TV. ALF : The
black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye
ALF (after hitting Willie in the leg with a mallot, talking to himself) :
It's been a bad day, first I broke Willie's windshield, Willie's lawnmower, now
I broke Willie!
ALF (thinking he's Wayne Schlaggel when he has amnesia and relizes he has no clothes on) : It's cold in here, were's my coat? Oh my God, I'm naked, you took my clothes.
ALF : (to Kate) What's your full name? Kate : Well, it's Kathrine Daffny Halligan Tanner.
ALF : What kind of name is "Daffny"? Kate : It's not that important to talk about. ALF : OH HORSEMEAT!
ALF : (on the phone with Kate) Kate, it is really important! Kate : What is it, ALF? ALF : What time is it?
(Willie and Kate are trying to find a babysitter for Eric. ALF : And have you thought about what happens to me, when that ... "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge? Kate :
What do you mean your fridge? ALF : Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meatdoor is mine!
Willie : When the babysitter is here ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic. ALF : Oh great, prison!! Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox! Willie : Were all making adjustments here ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much - ALF :
Attica!! Attica!! Attica!!!
ALF : Mind if I showed you a trick
? Kate : The last time you showed me a trick, it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back. ALF : I told you not to lean in.
(Kate is trying to get Eric to burph, ALF wants to help) ALF : Come on now, in no time will the baby leave my hands. Kate (giving Eric in to ALF's arms) : Spot him Lynn. ALF (holding Eric) : Hi Eric. How are you
doing? Having a little gassyback up today? (Eric burphs) ALF : Hazza Hazza, who was that masked man?! Next case.
ALF : So when do I start? By the way Thursdays are bad for me. I do Tai Chi.
Lynn : You have a cousin named Blinky?? ALF : He who is without blinkys cast the first stone.
Willie : I can't believe you would expose yourself
like this!! ALF : What? I'm wearing a sweatshirt.
(Jake has fallen in love) ALF (to Jake) : Are you still thinking about that girl
? Jake : Ever since I saw her in that school play, I can't think of anything else. ALF : What do thay call this temptress? Jake :
Her name is ... Laura ... ALF : And how does ... Laura ... feel about ... Jake ...? Jake : She doesn't know I´m alive! ALF :
No problem! You walk up to her and say : "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse
."
ALF (to Kate) : Jake's got the flying hots, for this girl at school, but every time he gets near her, he spaces. Jake : ALF!!! ALF : Did I leave something out?
(Kate trys to help Jake to talk to the girl Kate : If it would be any help at all, you could practise on me. Jake : It wouldn't be the same Mrs.Tanner. Laura´s much more
... she's beautiful. Kate (with a cold voice) : I see. (she leaves) ALF : (to Jake):You've got a way with women.
Jake : Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her. ALF : Danger Will Robinsson!!
ALF :
Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name! If the cop's don't pick her up, she´ll be yours!
(Kate refuses ALF to babysit Eric.) ALF : But why, why?!! Kate : Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trash the livingroom, blow up the kitchen, wallpapered
the shower ... ALF : It was a rhetorical question!
(ALF, Jake and Brian are sleeping in the Tanner's backyard in a tent) Jake :What do you think, those psycho killers have a map of the Tanner´s house? ALF :
Don't be silly, I'm talking about real dangers ... like ... slugs.
ALF : Hey, who's gonna tuck me in? Jake : No one gets tucked in
, in the wildernes. ALF : At least zip me up! (Jake zips ALF's sleeping-bag. ALF : Hey! Watch the fur!! Jake : It´s for your own protection, you don't want any slugs getting in, do you? ALF :
Oh, zip it over my head!
Jake : Good night ALF. ALF :
Good night John Boy!
(ALF is talking with Jake, about his silent movie he's gonna do. ALF : ... but When I come, Kate welcomes me with
open arms. Jake :That really doesn't sound like Kate. ALF : It's MY movie!
ALF : Now comes the romantic part. Officer Willie is smitten by widow Kate, who is smitten by officer Willie, who by the way reminds her of her late husband, who was smitten by a dumbtruck.
ALF :
Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Jake : Again? ALF :
It works. Just type!
ALF : Inside my tent, my lustrous and devoted wife's waiting wooned by desire. I have returned!
Jake : I see you, more like a comedy kind of guy. ALF : Like Charlie Chaplin? Jake : Like cousin Ita.
ALF : Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody! Gone the holy day ...!! Willie : ALF! I really don't appreciate that at all! ALF : Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?
(Willie and Kate are worried about ALF's cotton obbsession.) Kate : Don't you think you should cut down? ALF (with a southern accent) : Why? What have you got against cotton? Ya all yankees!
The Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willies brother.) Lynn : He's a wonderfull guy, with a terrific sense of humor! ALF : I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at!
Willie : You're meeting my brother, it´s not the Pope! ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
Willie : I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone! ALF : We agreed that I'd stop impersonating the cast of "Green Acres". Although ... Mr.Hainy could have sold Brian, some reviving potion, out of the back of his truck.
Brian : Do you get Sesame Street where you live? ALF : No and I don't get it here either.
Kate (to Willie) : Do you think it's O.K. to have alien watch "PSYCHO" while our son sleeps in the other room? (Kate shakes her
head) ALF : Hey, No problem, just leave me the keys to the liquor cabinet.
(Mrs. Ochmonek comes over and ALF needs to hide in Willie's Bedroom) ALF (to Willie) : So, this is my prison for tonight.
Willie : No, it isn't, ALF, it's my bedroom. ALF : Sure, one man's
room is another man's prison!
ALF (to Willie) : There is no snow for Christmas, so we may as well have Christmas in March.
Lynn (to ALF) : I better get back to the Ochmoneks, Mr. and Mrs Ochmonek are going to sing a song while their Uncle carves the turkey. ALF : I will watch for breaking glass.
(ALF singing a song while diapering a baby doll to the
tune of "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush". ALF : This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our
kid ... (drops it on the floor) ... and this is how we drop it.
(ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley.) ALF :
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name
was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll. Willie : I'm not convinced. ALF (Grabs Willie by the shirtail) : OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball. Willie :
ALF, you are grasping at straws. ALF (Violently grabbing Willie
by the collar and jerking him down to eye-level) : OK! LISTEN TO THIS! AARON BURR WANTED TO BE KING OF AMERICA AND HE WAS FROM THE SOUTH, JUST LIKE ELVIS!!! (Willie pulls away and shrinks away from ALF, half scared and then exits the
room, making sure to keep an eye on ALF.)
Willie : You can't vote ALF
, you're not a citizen. ALF : I'll apply for a green card.
Willie : That's only if you want a job. ALF :Pass ... I know, I'll
marry Lynn. Become a citizen. Vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie : ALF ... ALF : Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Joins with a bongoplayer named Waquine.
Willie : ALF! ALF : You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets. Willie : Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote! ALF : Fine! I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported and they'll make him eat beets!! Willie : How many cups of coffee have you had? ALF : Forty. Why?
Willie: If you had
eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry ... that´s a sentence I never tought I would hear myself say.
(The Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book) Brian :
What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else ALF :
Burph down wind. Willie : He's right. It say's : "He who burphs down wind ... can party with me any time".
ALF : Kate! Say yeah! Kate : Hi ALF. ALF : Oh Barry is speaking to me now! I feel
good, just like I knew I would, I feel fine, it must be divine! Walk to me Kate
, Walk to me, show me you can walk!! Kate : I'll show you something else if you don't shut up. ALF : Oh aggression! What has made this tired woman so bitter? What a life she must've had! Everybody, everybody please pray for her! Amazing Grace, how sweet thou are, to save a wretch like Kaaateeee
... ...
(Neal picks up a tape recorder from ALF´s bed.) Neal : Hey I could really use this. ALF (from the tape) : Like a virgin, touched from the verry first tiiiiimeee, like a viiirrgiin ... Willie :
Speed it all up, you don't want that.
(Willie tells ALF about him dating Linda Evans.) ALF : What happened? Willie : Well, she set up to find the footlight and I set up to find the sky ... ALF :
Wow, you showed her! Willie : But then I found the girl of my dreams, I found the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. ALF :
Who? Joan Collins? Willie : Kate! Kate!
ALF : Cyrano
and I where destined to spend our lives without a mate. At least he got to jump
around with a sword and wear feathers.
Willie : You don't understand, do you? You don't understand anything about Christmas, do you? You think it's just opening presents and being a generous.
Willie (to Kate) : Well, congratulate me, I just got a reservation for two at Emilio's. How
does that sound honey? ALF : Sounds good to me sweety. Kate :
That's wonderful Willie. ALF : What is she coming to? I thought this was gonna be "our night"!
Dorothy : You don't have to make rude noises! ALF : That's okay, I don´t mind.
A ceremony doesn't
have to be long to be effective. A melmacian wedding contains a priest saying :
You're hitched, go for it babe!
Jake : Why do we have to wear meat
on this ceremony anyway? ALF : Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.Brian : My history book is history. ALF : My life is history.I´m a cursed melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned.
Kate : Goshdarned? ALF : Ours was a polite society.
Jake : You've gotta help me! ALF : What can I do? Jake :
I don´t know, what would that Cyrano guy do? ALF : Well Cyrano never had to worry about the Alien Task Force.
Willie : I never meant to bring Jimbo over. ALF : You brought an elephant home to dinner? Willie : I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.
ALF : Danny just broke Lynn's date with Randy. Brian : Is Randy mad? ALF :
He doesn´t know yet. The information has gone to his head and is now seeking desperately for his brains.
No panic. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Many are called, but a few are chosen. And you can't get anything done by standing here talking cliches.
Jake : What are you
anyway? ALF : I´m an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you
can only dream of. Jake : Like what? ALF : Aaamm ... I can watch 10 hours of tv, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
ALF : I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want. Lynn :
And you lose weight that way? ALF : You do?
ALF : Justice will not rest! Kate : What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF : Justice will think about it.
(ALF is hooked on horseraces and loses $6000. He is now trying to convince Willie to give him the money to pay off the debt.) Lynn : Dad, he was trying to help. Willie : Oh, you're right. ALF, will $6000 be enough or should I put you down for the next time you try to help?
Willie : You got me in a panic to tell me the TV's broken?! ALF : Sorry, but I began to panic when I missed
"Gumby."
Kate : ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom. ALF : But it's too small! It makes everyone look like John Candy!
(ALF is being fitted for a space suit.) Look, I'll save you guys a lot of trouble : I'm the same suit size as Danny DeVito and the same dress size as his wife.
ALF : Hi, St. John's hospital? I'd like some information about face transplants. No, I'm quite happy with mine, thank you. It's for a friend. Kate : ALF? ALF : I'll call you back. Kate :
ALF, why would you want to know about face transplants? ALF : I thought it would be nice to see some new faces around here.
Kate : Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement? ALF : It was an atomic bomb! Willie : It was a pool heather! ALF : Hah! The Littwak's don't even own a pool!
Kate : Yes they do! ALF : They do? Can we go over?
(Willie to ALF after ALF has played with the stockmarket) Willie : But you could have lost everything ALF! Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall
and stop. ALF : But I finally found a way to make an earnest living! Now granted you would be taking all the risks, but that's the beauty of it! Come
on Willie, cut me loose, let me fly, let my people go!
(ALF tells Willie his stockmarket system) Willie : That's not a system, that's just dumb
luck! ALF : Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, think about it. Now there are people that jump on board and there are people that are left on the dock. And then there are those who are always late getting in to an airport
... Willie : What are you talking about? ALF : I don't know.
I kinda got lost there myself.
Brian : ALF, I have never seen you this desperate! ALF : Desperate?!! I'll show you desperate!!! (starts to shake Brian) Get me that codenumber!! Get me that codenumber!!! Kate : ALF!! Kate : ALF, why were you shaking Brian?? ALF : If you must know, I was helping him with his Katharine Hepburn impression. Now repeat after me Brian : You are my knight in shining armour, you
are my knight in shining armour.
Kate : I wonder if Eric remembers
how things where around here before he was born. ALF : Carl Jung was a big weenyhead!!!! Willie : With any luck he'll forget his first five
years entirely.
(ALF has just broken practically everything in the house to keep the Tanners from selling it.) Willie : This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the fifthteenth worst thing you've ever done.
ALF : What was number nine? Willie : The time you stuffed my shorts in the Thanksgiving turkey.
(ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky.)You are getting sleepy. You ... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel!
(ALF
has just broken Willie's short wave radio.) Willie : Do you know how long I ... LOOOOOOONG! It took me ten years to put that thing together!
ALF : I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life!
(while watching Wheel of Fortune) Vanna, honey! When you stand sideways, they can't see the letters!
(ALF is clipping his toenails in the living room.) Willie :
In a civilized society, one does not clip one's toenails in the living room
. ALF : Why not? Lynn : Because it causes one to barf up one's dinner!
(Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF. Willie : I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.? ALF : Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.?! You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor?'.
Grease fire! Grease fire! Never mind the curtains! Put me out!
Willie : There's more than one way to skin a cat. ALF : You've been looking at my recipe book.
(to Willie) : Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
(Willie is looking for a birthday present for Kate on the computer.) Willie : I can't decide between pumps and a cubic zirconia. ALF : Well, she does sleep with you. Go with the pumps!
Kate : Where's Lizard taking you? Lynn : To a science fiction movie. Something about this guy being shrunk and then injected into someone else. ALF : That's not science fiction. A friend
of mine did that once! He took a wrong turn and got stuck in a guy's nose!
Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Willie : I'm going to take a shower now. ALF : Count me in!
(ALF is outside Lynn's window, singing to her while playing the guitar to apologize to her for accidentally breaking a promise to her.) ALF (Singing) : I'm under your window with my guitar
Singing you this small ditty
Please don't be mad at me anymore
Have I mentioned I think you're pretty
Ay yi yi yi, I'm really sorry! (Lynn, unimpressed, throws a blanket out the window, where it lands on ALF) ALF(singing) :
Somebody just threw a blanket on me. That's why I'm
suffocating!
Willie : Well, ALF, while we're gone I trust you won't be getting into any mischeif. ALF : You do? Willie : Not really, but we gotta go.
(Willie and Brian are talking about Spencer, a boy whom Brian must rehearse a school pageant with.) Brian : He laughs at me and makes me forget the words! I don't like him. He's mean.
Willie : Oh, Brian, that's not really ... that's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities. ALF : That's not what you said last night! Willie : Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
ALF : Willie, you said the kid was fungus!
Willie : Isn't there anybody you could bother? ALF : We voted. You were the people's choice!
Willie : I say we invest into AT&T. ALF :
I say "Blecch!" Willie : But ALF, AT&T is an American institution
. ALF : So were the Village People, but where are they now?
(ALF and Lynn are preparing a surprise dinner for Kate and WIllie. ALF :
I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here. Lynn (grabbing the plates) : That won't be neccesary. ALF : Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes!
I don't want to be an orphan! I saw "Annie!" Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops!
ALF : I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs! Willie : Hence the term "musical." ALF : Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly! Hey-" Willie : It's getting on my nerves!
ALF :
Listen, I've been going over the bills. Someone should take your credit cards away. Willie : Give me those! ALF : Is that a typo? A $11,000 balloon payment? Willie : No, it's accurate. ALF : You guys are getting ripped off, you can get a whole package of balloons for 69 cents! Kate : A balloon payment has nothing to do with a balloon ALF.
Willie : Look ALF, can we not talk about this now? We only have a week to get ready for the garage sale. ALF : Your selling the garage!!
? Kate & Willie : NO!! ALF : Well that's good, 'cause we're going to need a place to store that balloon.
(ALF on the telephone) Hi,
this is ALF. Let me speak to Jodi. Jodi, that emotional basketcase that was talking a minute ago.
(ALF talking to Kate and Willie about Gillagan's Island) So ... anyways see, this big fat native girl, eats ginger's lipstick.
HA! HA! HA!
(The whole family trying to catch a space roach.)
Willie : All right, this is what we should do, we should trap it. I'll build
a little box and will put a little piece of donut right in the middle, then you
guys make sure that ALF doesn't get to the donut before the roach does ... ... Kate, what are you doing? Kate : Killing it with spray, we don't need to go through all that. ALF : You mentioned something about a donut willie? Brian : Mom, why did you have to kill it? Kate : Because they are disgusting things that carry diesease! ALF : I thought we we're talking about donuts!? Willie : Will you forget about
the donut!!?
(ALF has a sock on his hand and he is talking to it because he thinks he has no friends) Well, what do you want to do Mr. Ginzberg? Play charades? Watch a movie? Go to a sock hop!? HA! HA! HA!
ALF : It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs! Willie : ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not Christmas. ALF : Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!!!
Willie : This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF : It's broken! Willie : That's the object ALF. You're supposed to put it together. ALF : Why? I didn't break it!
ALF : Alright. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's
... ah ... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, ... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John! Lynn : No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen ... ALF :
Huey, Duey and Luey!!! Brian : No, those are ducks ALF :
Then how do they pull the sleigh?
ALF : I really enjoy you on that show where they have all those mistakes and foul-ups! Ed McMahon :
Oh, you mean "Bloopers and Practical Jokes"? ALF : No, "Star Search"!!! HA, HA, HA!!!
ALF : Oh, by the way, don't bother looking
for your laxative on a rope. Willie : Oh, you mean my soap on a rope? ALF : Trust me on this one ...
"I say a word and you say the first word that comes to mind ...
square - MEAL!
left - OVER!
Toast - DR Warner!
Cold - DR WARNER!"
Before you get up for that final snack, I want you to know ... I'VE GOT YOUR CAT!!! HA!! HA!! (commercial break)
No need to worry, we're in a hurry, be right back! (commercial break)
Right now I could walk to that refrigerator over there, you know,
take out a couple of slices of white bread, a little mayo and slap together a B-L-T. That's bacon, Lucky and tomato.
Kate : "I'm tired of you breaking things. If this happens one more time, you will be living in the garage." ALF :
"From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own." Kate : "Treat it as if it were my house!
And don't break anything!"
[At night, ALF and Willie are sitting in a train ...] ALF (singing) :
"Good Morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son." ALF (to Willie) : "What's the next line?" Willie :
"Just be quiet!" ALF : "Really? I'm surprised that song was such a big hit! (singing) Just be quiet, just be quiet, just be quiet, lala la lala lala ..."
Ed (NBC Tonight Show Co-Host until 1989) : "(voice over during the main title) From Hollywood, it's the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
Johnny's guest host tonight is ALF. Join ALF and his guest, his holiness Pope John Paul II., Dr. Joyce Brothers and Joan Embry from the San Diego zoo.
And now, here's Alfie!" ALF (in the studio of "The Tonight Show") : "For those who don't know me : I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question :
Who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? That's great to be here in Burbank. It's just like being back on my home
planet, Melmac - after it blew up!"
(Some one-liners)
I´m Wayne Schlegel, Michigan life and casualty.
How do you do? I'm Fritz Von Fingerhoff.
Now this may sound weird to you but ... is this the Vatikan embassy?
Okay, I'm Willie Tanner.
Mr. Universe. I tried Mr. Know-it-all, but that was too on the nose.
One minute to go, Luck-meister! Then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
Yes! He's going to wear meat!
Willie, where's the fire extinguisher?
I never met a cat I didn't like!
Whoa! That'll teach me not to eat film before going to bed.
I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.
Hit the T.V. Willie! The color's gone out!
Every sheik has harem. It's chic.
You type for a while. You've got 25% more fingers.
Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy is there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
Hey you! Get offa my cloud!
I have big borns.
They're out in the garden looking to see if any of there potatoes look
like celebrities.
Raining cats?! You open the skylight and I'll get the relish!
We're going bowling and I dont have my cantalope!
Walk like an egyptian.
Turquoise alert! Turquoise alert!
All my bags are packed. I'm ready to go. I'm not going to live in the garage anymore.
Hey Willie, lets throw a cat on the barbi!
The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.
Yo Willie! Burn the cat.
Hey Willie, wouldn't a pizza look good on my tounge about now?
Ha ha ha, I kill me!
Hey, give me four! (referring to slap my five from the 70's)
Here kitty, kitty, kitty ...
Be there or be square.
A whisker for your thoughts.
I'm a people alien.
NO PROBLEM!
Let's go check out the fridge.
Hey! Just kidding!
"Operator, this is an emergency...what's the number for 911?" Raquel Ochmonek
"There's hair in this tuna fish...I like it!"
"Fine, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich...where's the blender?"
"Now tell me you love me!"
"What, are you talking to me?"
"Help, help, I'm stuck in the outhouse!"
"Don't make me use this!"
Kate: "E.T. was a movie, this is real...this is on our coffee-table!"
"Lets have a snack now, we'll get friendly later. You got a cat?"
"Yo, Lucky my man!"
"Brilliant! This and the letter 'I' in one day."
"Hey, don't worry about the old ALFer...Channel 9 is running Psycho!"
"No problem, just leave me the keys to the liquor cabinet!"
"I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles...an hour later, you're hungry again."
"Well I'll be go to the market!" Raquel
"Yo Kate, where do you keep the casserole dishes? (Why?) The cat won't fit in the toaster."
"Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?"
"Grease fire! Grease fire!"
"Nevermind the curtains, put me out!"
"Oreos!?! My kinda people!"
"Fine, don't believe me! They didn't believe the boy who cried wolf!"
"You wanted me to use a flash?!?"
"Orphins have to eat gruel, and tap-dance with mops!"
"You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?"
"I tried to puree a rock...it didn't work."
"Settled, lets hit the bricks with this scum! Do we get to carry clubs?" Mrs. Bird
"Hmmm, immediate gratification versus long term security...I'M THINKING, I'M THINKING!"
"I've decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert."
"Look at this, they've got me wired for cable! Let's see, which was the button for a cheeseburger?"
"I wanna be alone. Come on Brian, keep me company!"
"Why would he even TRY making banana coffee?" Kate
"Well, we left last saturday and the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire...took Raquel a half hour to fix it." Trevor
"Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things."
"Ah, nothin' much, and even if there was I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems Raquel just threw me out." Trevor
"I like the sauce that Kate opens!"
"Great, a new baby! We'll raise him as our own."
"Shoot bullets through me, I felt like a snack!"
"Have 'em throw the book at this guy, preferably something by James Mitchman."
"This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid and (drop!)...this is how we drop it."
"I don't know what to do besides ride this out and hide all my underwear!" Willie
"I still think I should have brought her something, you know? Some candy, some flowers...a rambo doll."
"The only good cat is a stir-fried cat."
"Did you know that if you eat fast you can eat more?
"Oh no! Rain drops are falling on my pig!"
"Trust me on this one, I've been wrong so many times before."
"Quick, quick, hang up, hang up, dial 9-1-1, nine uno uno!"
"(I was) looking for tomato paste, I broke a tomato."
"Naaaaa, that's stupid...I'll do anyway."
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window. Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
Willie: Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek.
ALF: Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.
ALF: Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?
Willie: If you were in the woods.
[catch phrase] ALF: Haaa! I kill me.
ALF: On Melmac, we have 1st class, 2nd class and ham.
ALF: A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
ALF: I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.
ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
ALF: How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.
ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge]
ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note] ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
[as he does this an earthquake starts] ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.
Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live? ALF: No, and frankly I don't get it here either.
Willie: Go back to the tent.
ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife. Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths [spitting water sound] ALF: . Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
[at the cat Lucky's funeral] ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times. ALF: I meant today.
ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do. ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
[ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie] ALF: Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate: What's wrong with Brian? ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately. Kate: [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it.
Willie: Calm down. ALF: Stop ventilating. Kate: I am not ventilating. I am talking. [to Willie] Kate: And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress. Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay. Willie: This must stop. ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly. Willie: You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF: Why do you hate your mother?
[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower] Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.
Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF. ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude. People think you're hiding something.
Kate: Don't break that remote. ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything? [Kate stares at him] ALF: Well, lately? [pause] ALF: This week? [pause]
ALF: Today? [pause] ALF: Since breakfast?
ALF: We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs. Willie: I would have guessed all ten.
[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting] ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was. ALF: The day they met me? Lynn: Think again. ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking. ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.
Brian: Your name's really Gordon? ALF: Yeah, Gordon. Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?
ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn't like your looks,
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound] ALF: ak-ak-ak-ak-ak. Willie: You mean he'd shoot you if he didn't like how you looked?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon? Willie: No. ALF: Well, I'd like to.
[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window] ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus.
Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong. Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here. Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV. ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.
ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge? Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.
Willie: When the babysitter is here, ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic.
ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox? Willie: Were all making adjustments here, ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much...
ALF: Attica. Attica. Attica.
ALF: Mind if I showed you a trick ? Kate: The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF: I told you not to lean in.
Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky? ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs.
[Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl] Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me. Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate: [coldly] I see. [she leaves] ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.
ALF: Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.
[Kate refuses ALF to baby-sit Eric] ALF: But why, why? Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
ALF: [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies] Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...
Willie: ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all. ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?
[the Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willie's brother] Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor. ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope. ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
ALF: I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned.
Kate: Goshdarned? ALF: Ours was a polite society.
[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll. Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball. Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.
Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card. Willie: That's only if you want a job. ALF: Pass. [pause] ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie: ALF... ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine. Willie: ALF.
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets. Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets. Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Forty. Why?
Willie: If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry. [pause]
Willie: That's a sentence I never thought I would hear myself say.
[the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book]
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else? ALF: Burp down wind. Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."
ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical." ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves. ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today? Willie: "Cats." ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle. ALF: It's broken. Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together. ALF: Why? I didn't break it.
ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen... ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey. Brian: No, those are ducks. ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?
ALF: Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope. Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope? ALF: Trust me on this one.
ALF: I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.
ALF: Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
ALF: Hey, you. Get offa my cloud.
ALF: Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.
ALF: Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie.
ALF: The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.
Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noises. ALF: That's okay. I don't mind.
ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."
Jake Ochmonek: Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway? ALF: 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.
Willie: I never meant to bring Jimbo over.
ALF: You brought an elephant home to dinner? Willie: I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.
Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of. Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.
Lynn: And you lose weight that way? ALF: You do?
ALF: Justice will not rest. Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie? ALF: Justice will think about it.
Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom. ALF: But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.
Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement? ALF: It was an atomic bomb. Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool. Kate: Yes, they do. ALF: They do? Can we go over?
ALF: Carl Jung was a big weenyhead.
ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
[ALF has just broken Willie's shortwave radio]
Willie: Do you know how long - *looooooong*... It took me ten years to put that thing together. ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.
[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF] Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat. ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.
ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
Kate: Where's Lizard taking you? Lynn: To a science fiction movie. Something about this guy being shrunk and then injected into someone else.
ALF: That's not science fiction. A friend of mine did that once. He took a wrong turn and got stuck in a guy's nose.
ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief. ALF: You do? Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.
Willie: Isn't there anybody else you could bother? ALF: We voted. You were the people's choice.
[ALF and Lynn are preparing a surprise dinner for Kate and Willie]
ALF: I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here. Lynn: [grabbing the plates] That won't be necessary. ALF: Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes.
[ALF enters the Tanner's bedroom] ALF: Are you decent? Willie: Does it matter? ALF: Not to me.
ALF: Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."
Willie: [to Kate about ALF] He's odd. Even for an alien.
Willie: I'm gonna have my hamburger medium. ALF: Medium? They are all the same size. Extra large.
Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools? Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.
Willie: You know, Trevor. It seems this young man is a little Mister Fix-it.
Lynn: Little Mister Fix-it. How cute. Jake Ochmonek: You want me, don't you?
ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash? ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel... [tries on Willie's glasses] ALF: ... Geez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?
[the Tanners are preparing for a garage sale] ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife. Brian: There's no blade. ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
ALF: Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha!
ALF: It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs.
Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas. ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is where we carve the pumpkin.
Lynn: Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?
ALF: I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts. Lynn: We will.
Willie: I'm trying to make this vacation more fun. You might do it yourself instead of complaining all the time.
[on a camping trip] Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us. ALF: Right. Let the alien starve. Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause]
Willie: How would you like your hamburger? ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning. Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair? ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun. ALF: How, by drowning us? Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please. ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest! Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home. Willie: You're not voting in this. ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
[about ALF's "car"] Lynn: What's that thing?
ALF: It's not a thing. It's an ALF Romeo.
ALF: Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior.
ALF: [ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.
ALF: How can I read with all this quiet?
ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident!
Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident? ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!
ALF: Uh, can I make a suggestion? Hello, read my lips.
ALF: Opens curtains "I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza, big mistake" Window falls on his head, then his fingers, then ALF falls out the window.
ALF: Hey, what's going on in here? Willie: We're having a family meeting. ALF: Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges. ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon. Brian: Curly was a senator once.
ALF: True, and Moe was Speaker of the House. Willie: Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute? ALF: Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes? Kate: Why? ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar. ALF: Rules rules rules. ALF: Grease fire grease fire.
ALF: Never mind the curtains put me out.
ALF: That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet? ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why? Willie: Don't you see the connection?
ALF: [pause] What connection? Willie: I give up. ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.
Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even. ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.
Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance. ALF: You think I wake up looking this good? Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell.
ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it. Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up. ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure. Lynn: Welcher!
Jake Ochmonek: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch. Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
Kate: What are you doing?
ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah! Kate: Sorry. ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate: Well, would you like some cold cream? ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet. Kate: It's for your nose. ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand? ALF: You're talking like they're two different things. Kate: They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?
Brian: ALF wouldn't eat Lucky, would he? ALF: I'm not saying nothing until I speak to my attorney.
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you? Kate: Yes. Several times. ALF: I meant today.”
[At the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.”
“[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.”
Im a people alien, here kitty kitty
I kill me! HA!
Where's the cat!?
Hay Willy!
(trying to catch the cat) "He's quick, I'll give him that"
Hide your cat I"ll be right back.
"You're out of this world. How bout a hug for the old Alfer."
''No problem"
"Call the police! Call the police!"
“I know my rights, I watch People's Court.”
I can see you're still one sandwich short of a picnic.
Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
Hey, you. Get offa my cloud.
Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.
Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie.
The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.
[Ignorance is no excuse.] Kate: Ignorance is your excuse all the time! ALF: I don't know what you are talking about. Season 2 / Episode 9: - Night Train
ALF: Why must you needlessly complicate everything? Season 2 / Episode 9: - Night Train
Kate: [after ALF claims that according to a magazine article, he is a thrill-seeker]
This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch? ALF: Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money. Season 2 / Episode 5: - Prime Time
Willie: Let me just try to understand, ALF. [sic] The operative word in People Log is "people"... one of which you are... not... one.
ALF: That's cruel. Not to mention poorly constructed from a grammatical standpoint. Season 1 / Episode 21: - Lookin' Through the Windows
ALF: Oh heck, why must I be so darn curious? Season 1 / Episode 13: - Mother and Child Reunion
Kate: I said no soda pop. Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer. Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [burps] You're about out of Coors! Season 1 / Episode 1: - A.L.F.
Willie: [voice-over] This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night... *he* came.
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that? ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
ALF: I know my rights, I watch People's Court.
Brian: ALF wouldn't eat Lucky, would he?
ALF: I'm not saying nothing until I speak to my attorney.
Willie: Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek. ALF: Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.
ALF: Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken? Willie: If you were in the woods.
ALF: Haaa! I kill me.
ALF: On Melmac, we have 1st class, 2nd class and ham.
ALF: A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
ALF: I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.
ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
ALF: How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.
ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly I don't get it here either.
Willie: Go back to the tent. ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard. ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you? Kate: Yes. Several times. ALF: I meant today.
ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do. ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
ALF: Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian. Kate: What's wrong with Brian? ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate: [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it. Willie: Calm down. ALF: Stop ventilating.
Kate: I am not ventilating. I am talking. [to Willie] And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress. Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clich?s you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay. Willie: This must stop. ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly. Willie: You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF: Why do you hate your mother?
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.
Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.
ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude. People think you're hiding something.
Kate: Don't break that remote. ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
ALF: We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs. Willie: I would have guessed all ten.
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was. ALF: The day they met me? Lynn: Think again. ALF: The day after they met me. Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.
Brian: Your name's really Gordon? ALF: Yeah, Gordon. Brian: That's funny. ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?
ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn't like your looks,
ALF: ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.
Willie: You mean he'd shoot you if he didn't like how you looked? ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up? ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
Willie: No. ALF: Well, I'd like to.
ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus.
Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong. Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here. Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.
ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge? ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.
Willie: When the babysitter is here, ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic.
ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox? Willie: Were all making adjustments here, ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much...
ALF: Attica. Attica. Attica.
ALF: Mind if I showed you a trick ? Kate: The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF: I told you not to lean in.
Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky? ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs.
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful. Kate: [coldly] I see.
ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her. ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.
ALF: Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower... ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
ALF: [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies] Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...
Willie: ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all. ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?
Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at. Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope. ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
ALF: I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned. Kate: Goshdarned? ALF: Ours was a polite society.
ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll. Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball. Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF: [shouts]OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.
Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card. Willie: That's only if you want a job. ALF: Pass.
Willie: ALF... ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
Willie: ALF. ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets. Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets. Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had? ALF: Forty. Why?
Willie: If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry.
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else? ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."
ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs. Willie: Hence the term "musical." ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves. ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today? Willie: "Cats." ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle. ALF: It's broken. Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together. ALF: Why? I didn't break it.
ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen... ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey. Brian: No, those are ducks. ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?
ALF: Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope. Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope? ALF: Trust me on this one.
Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noises. ALF: That's okay. I don't mind.
ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."
Jake Ochmonek: Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway? ALF: 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.
Willie: I never meant to bring Jimbo over. ALF: You brought an elephant home to dinner? Willie: I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.
Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of. Jake Ochmonek: Like what? ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want. Lynn: And you lose weight that way? ALF: You do?
ALF: Justice will not rest.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie? ALF: Justice will think about it.
Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom. ALF: But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.
Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement? ALF: It was an atomic bomb. Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool. Kate: Yes, they do. ALF: They do? Can we go over?
ALF: Carl Jung was a big weenyhead.
ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
Willie: Do you know how long - *looooooong*... It took me ten years to put that thing together.
ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat. ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.
ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
Kate: Where's Lizard taking you? Lynn: To a science fiction movie. Something about this guy being shrunk and then injected into someone else.
ALF: That's not science fiction. A friend of mine did that once. He took a wrong turn and got stuck in a guy's nose.
ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief. ALF: You do? Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.
Willie: Isn't there anybody else you could bother? ALF: We voted. You were the people's choice.
ALF: I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here.
Lynn: [grabbing the plates] That won't be necessary. ALF: Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes.
ALF: Are you decent? Willie: Does it matter? ALF: Not to me.
ALF: Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."
Willie: [to Kate about ALF] He's odd. Even for an alien.
Willie: I'm gonna have my hamburger medium. ALF: Medium? They are all the same size. Extra large.
Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.
Willie: You know, Trevor. It seems this young man is a little Mister Fix-it. Lynn: Little Mister Fix-it. How cute. Jake Ochmonek: You want me, don't you?
ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like? Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash? ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel...
ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife. Brian: There's no blade. ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
ALF: Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha!
ALF: It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs. Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is where we carve the pumpkin.
Lynn: Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you? ALF: I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts.
Lynn: We will.
Willie: I'm trying to make this vacation more fun. You might do it yourself instead of complaining all the time.
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve. Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning. Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair? ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun. ALF: How, by drowning us? Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please. ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest! Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home. Willie: You're not voting in this. ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
Lynn: What's that thing? ALF: It's not a thing. It's an ALF Romeo.
ALF: Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior.
ALF: [ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.
ALF: How can I read with all this quiet?
ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident! Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!
ALF: Uh, can I make a suggestion? Hello, read my lips.
ALF: Opens curtains "I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza, big mistake" Window falls on his head, then his fingers, then ALF falls out the window.
ALF: Hey, what's going on in here? Willie: We're having a family meeting. ALF: Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges. ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon. Brian: Curly was a senator once.
ALF: True, and Moe was Speaker of the House. Willie: Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute? ALF: Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes? Kate: Why? ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar. ALF: Rules rules rules. ALF: Grease fire grease fire. ALF: Never mind the curtains put me out.
ALF: That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home. Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why? Willie: Don't you see the connection? ALF: [pause] What connection? Willie: I give up.
ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.
Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.
ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz. Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance. ALF: You think I wake up looking this good?
Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell. ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it. Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up. ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.
Lynn: Welcher!
Jake Ochmonek: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch. Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
Kate: What are you doing?
ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah! Kate: Sorry. ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate: Well, would you like some cold cream? ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet. Kate: It's for your nose. ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand? ALF: You're talking like they're two different things. Kate: They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?
ALF quotes
