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Al Bundy Quotes










Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.

Al: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.

Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

Al: I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.

Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Al: Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.

Al: Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.

Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

Al: [doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour.

Al: [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.

Al: Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

Al: [entering the house] Hello Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley...

Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

Peggy: What would you like?
Al: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.

Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.
Peggy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.

Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

Peggy: No TV, Al, we're talking.
Al: You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.

Al: I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?
Bud: No, Dad.
Al: Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Marcy: What would it be like if men had breasts?
Al: We wouldn't need women any more.

Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al: That's what happened to my diehard.

[repeated line]
Al: Let's rock.

Peggy: I want sex.
Al: So do I, but I see no reason to drag *you* into it.

Peggy: Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet, so far.

Peggy: A pox on you, Al.
Al: Yeah; like I'd notice.

[In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?

Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
Bud: [on phone] Hi, Mom.

Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

[a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.

Al: What's for supper?
Peggy: Filthy pig!
Al: We had that last night.

Neighbor: Hey Bundy. I had steak for dinner tonight, what did you have?
Al: If I'm lucky your wife.

[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.

Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.

Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

[the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.

Various characters: [repeated line said to Al] You stink!

Peggy: Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.

Peggy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?

Peggy: Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.

Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?

Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

Kelly: [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.

Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.

Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Bud: Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress.
Kelly: Which one?

Kelly: [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?
Bud: 'A.'
Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter.

Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.

Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France.


Al : Ah, home sweet hell.

Al : There's no Hell like home.

I was driving home ... God knows why.

Al : Let's rock.

Al : Let's joust

Al : [delirious] Let's shoot pool, fat man.

Peggy : Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife or B?.
Al : B.
Peggy : Question two. Who would you rather spend the night with? A - your wife or B?
Al : B.

Al : We lost to nuns.

Al : Read my lips: Don't tax beer. Come on, Marcy. You above all people should be worried about this tax. I mean after looking at yourself in the morning every day, you MUST drink.

Al : Read my lips: don't tax beer.Al : Make way. Voters coming through. Family, breathe the democracy.

Al : [delirious] Hey! Everything looks like noodles in here!

Al : [delirious] Remember, pumpkin, that the fate of not only King Charles, but of the entire Restoration, lies on this shot ... this tape will self-destruct in five seconds. [faints]

Al : [delirious] Hey now, umpire, he's got a horse in his pocket! I need a ruling!

Al : [voice-over] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al : [to Vanessa Van Pelt] My name is Al Bundy. I'm... Jack Dallas' new partner. Sit down, show me your tail. I mean... tell me your tale.

Al : A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, "I need something I'd be comfortable in." So, I said, "try Wyoming."

Al : Peg, "To Serve Man"... It's a cook book.

Al : Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Al : I do not floss. I do not eat vegetables. I do not like French pasteries. I do not like the French!

Al : Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.

Al : Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

Peggy : I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?

Peggy : Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.

Kelly : Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.

Kelly : I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

Kelly : Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.

Al : Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.

Al : What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

Al : I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.

Al : Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.

Marcy : [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?

Al : Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

Peggy : Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.

Al : Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

Kelly : [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.

Al : [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.

Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France.

Al : Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

Al : [doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour.

Al : [entering the house] Hello Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley...

Various characters: [repeated line said to Al] You stink!

Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla CardinAl : This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal!

Now kids, we're not here to attack each other. We're here to attack the baby.

I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...

Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.

Why doesn't the world die?

Al : I'll be going. Don't bother to get the elevator, I'll just jump out the window.

Al : [watching "The Jeffersons"] Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bathing suit!

Al : Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Arms? I have an alcohol question: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? I say it was Bubba Smith but I have a friend who thinks it was... Hello?

The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.

Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you.

Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?

Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?

No-one can resist a shoe-salesman.

Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?

Peg, this is your birthday, please don't make me kill you!

Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.

Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari.

A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.

Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.

I'm not paying for mistakes I've been doing that since I got married.

Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy ...well, at least until he jumps a freight train.

I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.

I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?

Look at your mother, you've got her so worried she's looking every bit her 50 years.

Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage.

Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.

I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter.

Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?

Al : This is like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Except I'm married to the giant squid.

Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.

This is not a recorded message. I'm a human being, dam it!

I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.

Al : What a nice little town we live in. Neighborhood's burning down, no cops. There's a robbery, no cops. I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad.

Al : [Reading off names of dirty movies] Schindler's Lust, Booty and the Beast, and my favorite, Forrest Hump.

Al : To put it in the words of your people, Marcy; cluck no!

Al : When I think of the PAIN and the SUFFERING that I had to go through for you to be conceived. You should be ashamed for betraying your family this way.

Al : Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.

Al : Who Cares? It's Free.

Al : I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.

Al : I'm offering you a membership to No Ma'am, Chicago's most exclusive men's club. And with the membership comes - hold on to your green card - luxury boxes at Wrestlemania, free use of a classic Dodge - when it's working, and a key to the Big 'Uns reading room in my garage - when we get the bowl unclogged.

Al : What has he got that I don't have? We're both virile men in the prime of our lives. Except he's not saddled with a lazy wife, worthless kids, prostate like a melon and worst of all, I sell women's shoes.

Al : [narrating; voice-over] She was a sultry dame, dressed to the nines, except for a pair of cheap pumps. Yeah, she had more curves in her than the Materhorn at Disneyland. And there didn't appear to be any Japanese tourists standing in front of me waiting for a ride. Yeah, she was a hot dish. Hotter than my neighbor's dinner. By the way, how come I never eat dinner? Oh well, that's another case.

Al : [What he knows about the ocean] When you flush, it goes here. And I've seen all 3,000 episodes of Gilligan's Island.

Al : [Giving a speech to the Lower Uncton townspeople] My people. Today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth. As you know I played highschool football. I was great. And you kids out there would like to be just as great as I was. But beware: there is a killer out there, a temptation. It will up your money and your will to live. I know you've heard about it before, but you can't hear about it enough. Kids, please just say no to marriage!

Al : Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.

[Al has to masquerade as Jefferson by lying next to her in bed; when Amber comes in, Al has to pretend to be asleep while listening to them talk about their periods] Al : [thinking] The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

Al : [demonstrating an invention] We're gonna be so rich, people are gonna HAVE to like us.

[Al pushes in the garage his broken down Dodge Ford car to the tune of the Beach Boys 'I Get Around']
Al : Yep, one more payment, and you're all mine.

Al : All right everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, three hundred years? In that time, I've learned to do without several things: a yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will not live one more day without a car that runs. So, no more advice. I will go out on my own and find my own used-car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom!" Al Bundy pushes no more. Now, get out of my car!

Al : [singing] Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With-a no wife here and a-no kids there. A hooker coming over on Friday nights. With big luscious hooters, a pizza, and a beer there. Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al : [in Elmer Fudd voice] Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits.

Al : Wanna cheek a Red Man?

Al : After midnight, we're gonna sell a lot of shoes!

Al : If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me?

Al : [Assembling a toy car] All right, I put the red terminal in the la conduire. Oh, my friends the French again. Conductor. Why don't they just say "Put the red wire in the hole"? Oh here it is, put the red wire in the hole.

Al : Hurry up, Bud. Never wanted to get married - I'm married, never wanted to have kids - I got two of 'em. How the hell did this happen?

Al : Oh, no. Not Sally Struthers feeds the Third World channel. Hey, Sally, open your purse up! I'm sure there's enough Ding-Dong's and Ho-Ho's in there to open a new Seven-Eleven! That's that every starving kid needs, someone like Sally standing their while they're eating saying, "are you gonna finish that?"

Al : [with the "Nine" Commandments] It is I! With words for hard-working people who don't give a rat's ass about political correctness!

Al : [to Gary Coleman the property inspector] That driveway belongs to the people next door but they may not let you in because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

Al : I warn you, when this is all said and done, you, Sir, will owe me an apple and an apology. And so will your husband.

Al : Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running from the axe.

Al : [voice-over after Al and Peg go upstairs to 'do it'] Peg, who's the cop with his pants on backwards?

Al : You be quiet or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like Little Bobby.

Al : Bud, if you need money, you should do what a wise man once said, "Yip-ip-ip-ip-ip, mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu- Get a job."

Al : Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house, / no food was a stirring, not even a mouse. / Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie, / along with a note that said "presents or die". / Children were plotting all night in their beds, / while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head. / But daddy had money this year in the bank, / then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank. /... and all of a sudden Santa appeared, / a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. / Santa I said as he laughed merrily, / you do so much for others do something for me. / Bundy he said, you only sell shoes, / your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze. / Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife, / her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife. / As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, / he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. / And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: / you're married with children, you'll never be free.

Al : Now who wants to hear about the red-headed Grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?

Al : I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I want this.", "Get me this.", "I have to have this."... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

Al : A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.

Al : What the hell did that fat boy want a pony for? To put between two giant slices of bread?

Al : Kooky, Kooky, lend me my Big'Uns!

Al : [on Peg's pregnancy] God, I feel like Exxon. One spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life!

Al : Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

Al : You know, I wish Bud lived far away so I could call him.

Al : Bud, if you're gonna be late... call?

Al : We all have to live with our disappointments, Peg. Of course, I have to sleep with mine.

Al : Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

Al : We're gonna go where people pretend to want to go when they can't afford to go someplace good. We're gonna see America. We take no map. We'll follow the sun. Stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we put the pedal to the metal and we ride with the wind.

Al : Everybody, I have an announcement. Your happiness... sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, one long month. Helluary.

Al : The fuse is lit and the fire is on. Burn, baby, burn.

Al : Tang don't smoke.

Al : Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Al : I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

Al : Hey Steve, I'm glad I caught you. I need a loan. See, I'm gonna buy my own toll line. Yeah, it'll be great. People will pay two bucks a pop just to talk to me. Now I know what you're thinking, that this is just another sex line. Well it isn't, this is something I know something about.

Al : Ed McMahon says I may owe HIM ten million dollars?

Al : But much like a 'roid, they come back with a vengeance. That's one thing I learned from my first 800 years of marriage.

Al : Listen kids, I need to find that necklace. If I can't find that necklace, then I can't give it to your mother. And if I can't give it to your mother, then I gotta "give it" to your mother. And if I have to "give it" to your mother... I'm gonna give it to you!

Al : [to Bud, about him solving a problem] You better! If not, I'm taking you out of the will! Wait a minute, that's no punishment... I'm putting you in the will!

Al : Guys, we're in Washington, let's take advantage of what it has to offer. Griff, check out room service. Ike, fix that TV so we won't have to pay for the porn channel.

Al : [setting out the cheesecake] I must fetch my cheese goggles. Now, you two may admire it... but don't touch it! This cheese means more to me than both your lives.

Al : I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. / I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. / I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. / I've seen her on her stupid couch. / I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. / I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife.

Al : Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, "try your ass." She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.

Al : [ordering dinner for everyone, in a high-class restaurant] Give us four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al : [stalling, while Kelly goes to get his wallet] How's about some more water? Y'know, it's nature's fruit juice!

Al : I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Al : Greeting, vultures. Your meal ticket's here.

Al : Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately $780,000. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short $780,000. Thank you.

Al : You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.

Al : So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be are still out there being what we don't want to be forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner.

Al : [sees a gun holster Walter Traugott has] Hey, now. If you're a cop, I don't talk to the law, I don't listen to the law, I don't watch L.A. Law.

Al : Where the music stinks and they water the drinks. The nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants. The nudie bar. Where you see their butt and their trap stays shut. The nudie bar.

Al : Where you can look at a thigh and blacken an eye, at the Nudie Bar. Where the beer gives you gas but the Bundys kick ass... at the Nudie Bar.

Al : Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass... the nudie bar.

Al : This is bad. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the back yard.

Al : Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Al : All I wanted was a stinkin' .45! The record or the gun... heck, at this point, I'd settle for the malt liquor!

Al : Hey, this is my house. I don't let the bank in here and they own the place.

Al : Peg, you're down here. I must have been dreaming that you ran off with that dwarf down at the bookstore, and that I'm living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight roommates who can speak, but choose not to.

Al : Choco cake! Choco cake! Eat so much you get a tummy ache!

Al : My living room is full of women, men, and your cousin.

Al : Yes, yes, yes, I am an American hero. And in the grand tradition of American heroes, I will hawk more products than Bill Cosby... when he was hot.

Al : [When paying the bills] Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha/Living in the gutter, cha cha cha/Early grave, cha cha cha/All right now, everybody - shoot me.

Al : Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.

Al : You know who was a good woman? Veronica from Archie Comics. Veronica never had a period.

Al : [Peg, Marcy and Kelly are menstruating] All three at once? What do they do, give it to teach other?

Al : How you doin', Edna? You don't look a day over a thousand.

Al : Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Al : Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home.

Al : Sure, before you marry them, all women say they like football. But as soon as you say "I do", they put on about 40 pounds. And the only "hike" you see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives! As for me... I work for a living!

Al : And you want to talk about flying wenches? Let's talk about my mother-in-law. My mother in law is so big and fat that... well, people often overuse the phrase "as big as the Earth". But kids, try to imagine everyone you know under one giant muumuu.

Al : Why is it that Elvis is dead and I'm the one in hell?

Al : [the Bundy Creedo] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb.

Al : Well, I'll tell ya something. Peg-feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination.

Al : Get out! Out! Out! Pretend there's a keg on the lawn. Out! Out!

Al : [is given a book] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life". My God.

Al : I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.

Al : I've had a rotten day, and I'm in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there.

Al : Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.

Al : See, it's this little...period...uh, PMS thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I think that PMS stands for 'Pummel Men's Scrotums'.

Al : Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!"

Al : Do me one favor. When you strip away every ounce of humanity, every shred of pride she has, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy.

Let me give you a little bit of advice about women ... Bed them, don't wed them; Do them, don't woo them; Date them, don't mate them

One of Bundy's famous quotes – “We serial killers are your sons, ...... And Jesus answered: :I know that ye say ye are Abraham's seed; but ye seek to ... America and Bush are not to blame for the actions of al'quida or other ...... But, as always, she wears the gold and pearl pendant he gave her the ...

Al : Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Al : You know, Marcy, it's a damn shame you're not having a Christmas party this year. I had a really good time at the last one. Remember, I got 95 cocktail weenies stuffed in my mouth? I would have gotten 96 in if I didn't have to sneeze. Hey, you remember the look on your boss's face? It's a shame you're not having a Christmas party for a got a whole new batch of dwarf jokes to tell this year.

Al : I'm never voting again. Like marriage, no matter who you choose it'll turn out bad. Unless you're rich. They get everything they want. Well, fine. Let them have their birds, and their clean air... even their new presidents. But we cared about beer and they took it away from us. Yeah, sure, what do they care if a man who sells shoes, or fixes cars, or totes that barge, or spears that doody in the park has to use his whole paycheck to buy one beer? What do they care? They're at their outdoor restaurants eating their little pizzas and drinking some fine wine in the no-smoking section with their sexy, skinny second wives while we're breeding with peasant stock. No offence, Peg. One thing I know, we're never going to win through the system. Voting has never been the American way. We didn't get away from that pansy country England by voting. We did it by throwing their stinking tea in our American harbor. And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice cold, best in a bottle, but find in any way you can get it, belching, burping, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer. So let's show them how a man votes. Let's get blitzed and take it to the streets. Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine alfresco, anywhere they eat Brie cheese, and any way they wear their pants up high around their waist in the European way. The only thing Americans understand is mindless Tom and Jerry cartoon violence. So, let's go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or give me death! [a now-very large croud around Al cheers]
Al : Or both! Now... let's pillage!

So you think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments. To fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

Al: [singing] Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With-a no wife here and a-no kids there. A hooker coming over on Friday nights. With big luscious hooters, a pizza, and a beer there. Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

I'm married with children.

Remember our motto: We ain't got it.

If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men.

I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.

Only one woman, too much time.

I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women.

I'm blind! I saw Marcy naked Peg! I'm blind!

One finger is all an American needs.

I'm Maharaja Bundy and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day.

Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?

I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?

Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe.

I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day.

Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes.

It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.

Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?

I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.

If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it.

I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.

I'm married with children.It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.

I'm married with children.Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy ... well, at least until he jumps a freight train.

I'm married with children.Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?

I'm married with children.I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.

I'm married with children.We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over.

I'm married with children.Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless? It could be worse!' Tour.

I'm married with children.This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.

I'm married with children.There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him.

I'm married with children.Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?

I'm married with children.We all have to live with our disappointments ... I have to sleep with mine.

I'm married with children.I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?

I'm married with children.Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it.

I'm married with children.There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap.

I'm married with children.Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.

I'm married with children.Marry a redhead!

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to.

Love is not only blind but stupid.

Computers and women are ruining the country.

Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't'.

If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules.

Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell.

How would I know, I never look at you!

Look at your mother, you've got her so worried she's looking every bit her 50 years.

Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.

I'd rather dive of the Sears Tower head first into a thumbtack or bait a crocodile with my manhood...

Here comes our baby now. Let's call him Insano.

Not quite as old as the hair on your legs...

Great Ceasar's ghost!

I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich.

Come on baby. We've got things to do; eyes to blindfold and babies to make.

I would like to plant a showel right between her barren eyes.

You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two sixpacks in the refridgerator.

I hate those tests. They are designed to bury men.

If he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.

Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist.

It never quite the same when you're sober, is it?

Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the wind.

I blame it on TV myself.

You give him a bottle of redeye and a Playboy and he'll marry your mother to a cow.

Now son, look here, these redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use for a base for my satellite dish.

Well, it beats going to Hawaii with your mother.

What's five million years in the scheme of the life of one man?

This cheese means more to me than both your lives.

Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage.

Home, work, can a man have too much fun?

Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.

I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter.

Am I truly nothing? Could the neighbourhood children be right?

We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I'm going to have the rest of my life.

Oh. life is good! But not for me...

White crosses, sunlight... nothing works on you anymore does it?

Soon our mouths will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion.

You've desecrated the toilet I call home!

I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it!

You might be wondering what a 25 year old millionaire is doing with a 18 year old daughter?

My wheenies have been exposed!

What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys?

I was driving home... God knows why?

Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual.

Lousy, red-headed, life-sucking moskito!

Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.

Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife!

Oh mighty one in the heavens who created the mountains, the seas and beer...

Next to a dog, a beautiful woman is the thing to be.

I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

I would rather sleep in a bunk-bed under Oprah!

Yo! I'm broke!

I'm sorry Peg. I saw some underware I just had to have.

How proud can a father be?

Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?

Say goodnight, super-fly!

Stand back pumpkin. He's just about to pop and I don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

I'll get that money even if I'll have to dance naked in the streets!

I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work.

Hey, everything looks like noodles in here!

They call me Flipper... Flipper...

Seems like I do what I was knowing then, boy.

This table will self-desctruct in 5 seconds...

I'll hold him down and you'll take his wallet.

I love you, Peg... Just kidding!

She's got you shaking like a frenchman in a thunderstorm.

Are they gonna find US with our legs up in the air?

Now kids, we're not here to attack each other. We're here to attack the baby.

I don't know ... The last thing I remember a fryingpan bounced of my head.

I wouldn't rub your feet if a genee popped out of them.

Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.

Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt.

Where's my remote control !?!

I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore.

Al Bundy is back!!!

Oh, look at the starving children. Woah man, now we're having fun!

You may as well bore me with your problems...

I'm still giddy with the thought that possibly, just possibly, I might have sat at the same toiletseat as Bob Hope.

Of cause my present lack of fait is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do.

It's showbusiness. You don't need talent OR brain.

I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...

May the shoe-business take you all!

I'm married to a woman named................something.

Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.

Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.

I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me!

Laugh at this, hyenas!

There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch.

Why doesn't the world die?

I want my TVGuide!!!

I've got two TVGuides. One on the table and one in the bath-room. I'm rich!

The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.

Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you.

I've learned to live on plack.

Greetings vultures! Your meal-ticket is here. ... and no-one understands why I scream on the way home...

Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?

A man's home is his coffin.

Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you.

Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.

Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.

I'm hungry enough to block a colon.

You can spend some quality-time at the news-stand reading dirty magazines.

Don't call me a TV in my own home!

Honey... you're an idiot!

A stallion like me only comes around once a year.

Oh, if only a man could have two wives.

What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again.

Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?

Wait a minute, I think I've just had a vision!

I see you're all looking at me a bit differently now.

The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.

None today! Tomorrow, twice as much!

This is not a recorded message. I'm a human being, damn it!

I begged for the death-penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson.

I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home.

You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail-man's eyes.

Don't look at me, I'm blind from hunger.

Put your feet up folks, it's getting pretty deep in here.

The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman.

How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet.

No-one can resist a shoe-salesman.

I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.

I deserv to be punished, I married your mother.

What if I make you a nice licence-plate that says 'I'm a bore' ?

Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?

Another hallmark moment!

If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.

I hate to go to sleep with the smell of feet on my hands.

Revenge... is great!

Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

Let's bowl!

Peg, this is your birthday, please don't make me kill you!

We are blood-Bundys. We are truly doomed.

I truly, truly want to die!

Alright now, everybody... shoot me!

This news is so big I even want the girl to hear it...

Nothing's to good for me...

I haven't showered in a week. So I think I better get right to bed...

I miss my couch!

Don't make me kill you on family-day.

Let's boogie!

...who cares, it's free!

Take me to your finest bathroom!

Ah, home sweet hell.

If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.

Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.

Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari.

Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.

I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed!

Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy.

I'm born and bred to be a shoeman.

I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit.

This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us.

Congratulations Peg, you've just won a trip to Disney Fist.

I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.

That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.

I didn't steal your bra!

Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake.

The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet.

People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.

If you need me I'll be at the nudie bar.

Ok, here's another idea. Let's toss this in the oven and see if it bakes.

There's a shoe-salesman in the 23th century. It's called Shoe Trek.

Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.

Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes...

This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life.

I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.

You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me.

That's a good one, God!

It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.

It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman.

A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.

Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.

I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her.

Thank god she can't eat me!

Just say no to marriage.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.

If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me.

It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?

I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date.

God, for once I'm actually glad to be home.

We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right.

Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.

Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid.

Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.

Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.

To know me is to love me.

That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.

Marcy : Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family.
Al : Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?

Peggy : Al, what was I wearing the day we met?
Al : Too much make-up.

Al : Officer Dan, where were you last week when I was mugged outside my store?
Officer Dan: Where were YOU last week when I was mugged outside your store?

Al : Peg. Sell the house.
Peggy : Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like?
Al : Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead".

Uncle Otto: Al, I want to let you in on a little family secret.
Al : What? You're the fourth triplet?
Uncle Otto: No. It's about our business. I know that everyone thinks that our income is divered primarily from our still.
Uncle Irwin: And the home yogurt business.
Uncle Otto: Quiet, Mister Pork-at-the-bottom!
Uncle Irwin: It'll catch on.
Uncle Otto: Please! Anyway Al, the triplets add greatly to our income.
Al : Otto, wait a minute.
Al : Kelly... go upstairs! You don't want to hear about this.
Uncle Otto: Not "that" profession! They sing. The triplets sing at carnivals, beer fests, concerts, ho-downs... just last year they worked wonders and made a neat 88.50.
Uncle Irwin: Don't tell the IRS.
Uncle Otto: But something's happened recently that's threatened their act.
Al : What, they finally faced the audience?

Al : [to Elena of the Wanker Triplets] You want to marry? To someone outside the family?
Uncle Otto: Well, in Wanker County... nobody's really outside the family.
Kelly : Hey... what about that nice boy John who works at the feed store just down the road from your house?
Uncle Otto: Yeah... I guess he's family.
[Kelly walks away unnoticed where she puts her hands to her head and then to her stomach, looking clearly shocked, disgusted, and upset as she mouths "oh no!" to herself]

Al : Psycho Dad has been canceled. You know who's responsible?
Bob Rooney: Women?
Al : No. Marcy D'Arcy, Chicken at Large.

Psycho Dad: Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading. However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al : goodbye, and, uh, get help.
Ike: I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
Al : That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well, we've got to think of something.
Griff: Use the power of our giant manly brains?
Al : No, that'll take too long.

Kelly : Hi, Daddy. How're you feeling?
Al : Well, let's see...
[He takes the thermometer out of his mouth and looks at it]
Al : Ah-ha, I'm dead.

Al : You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have to outrun the Dodge.
Buck: Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.

Al : Ah, it's just my stinking luck. It's a re-run.
Kelly : Re-run?
Al : Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode. This is the part where he's gonna shoot his wife, she ducks and he accidentally kills president Lincoln instead. Damn women.

Al : Why, Marcy?
Marcy : Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show?
Al : Well, a man's gotta re-load...

Al : All right, have a two minute break.
[They break up the circle and put down their signs]
Ike: How long have we been here?
Al : Counting the break? Two and a half minutes.

Psycho Dad: [Reading Al's letter] "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
Jefferson: Barbara Eden?
Bob Rooney: She's 1,000.
Al : I didn't mean now.

Psycho Dad: [Al had sent in a letter he made by cutting out letters of words in magazines] I'd like to read this letter to you now. "Dear Psycho Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.
Al : You try and find P's and H's in USA Today.

Psycho Dad: Sure the cancellation was a shock. I felt heart, I've been rejected, I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amuck in the old west."
Al : The man's a freaking poet.

Psycho Dad: This letter arrived today.
Al : Maybe that's my letter.
Psycho Dad: It came "Postage Due".
Al : It is my letter.

[Al wakes from a dream and discovers that Peggy is no longer pregnant]
Al : Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother...
Bud : Repulsed by you?
Kelly : Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al : No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant?
[Kelly and Bud look grossed out]
Al : Marcy?
[Kelly and Bud look even more grossed out]
Kelly : [to Bud] Do you think he's crazy?
Bud : He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al : Boy, to be a private eye. Stakeouts, babes, bullets flying around... good chance one of them might hit you. I'd be a great private eye. Yep, Al Bundy, trouble is my business. I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom. Oh God! Please kill me! Let me die!
Vanessa Van Pelt: Mr. Dallas?
[Al looks up and sees a young, attractive blond woman standing in front of him]
Al : Uh... I want to live!

Vanessa Van Pelt: I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you. How's a hundred bucks sound?
Al : Oh, I'll pay!

Al : I've gathered you all here because I know one of you is the killer. So it must be you, Bruce.
Bruce Van Pelt: And what do you base that on?
Al : Absolutely nothing. Which is why the killer is you, Tonya.
Tonya Van Pelt: Sorry, Dick. If I wanted to seal the diamond, I would have not turned the lights off. It's a well known fact that I'm afraid of the dark. When the lights went out, I was frozen in place.
Al : Then let's reenact that moment.
[Al turns the lights off, and Tonya screams, and the lights come back on]
Tonya Van Pelt: Who touched my breasts again?
Al : It was me, I was checking out your story, or re-living it.
[Tonya slaps Al, who turns to Adolph standing nearby]
Al : Which brings us to you. You grabed the butcher knife, plunged it into Colonel Van Pelt's back, and then snatched the diamond with your free hand.
Adolph Van Pelt: One gets to meet so few true FOOLS!
[Adolph reveals that he doesn't have hands, but prostetic hooks]
Al : Okay... so that leaves just you. Come on, Leonard. You were the criminal mastermind of this whole thing. What do you have to say about that?
Leonard Van Pelt: [revealing to be mental retarded] Daddy?
Al : Okay. So huh, maybe the killer really was me.

Vanessa Van Pelt: I'll probably get out of jail in maybe 20 years. Will you wait for me?
Al : What for? You'll be old.

[the lights go out, and a woman screams]
Adolph Van Pelt: [voice] What happened?
Bruce Van Pelt: [voice] Who turned the lights out?
Tonya Van Pelt: [voice] Who's touching my breasts?
Al : [voice] Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman!

Vanessa Van Pelt: I'll be right back. I'm just going to get my coat. Uncle keeps it just freezing in here.
[Vanessa walks out]
Al : As I watched her leave, I realized that she really did put the bomp in the bomb-she-bomp.
[stares from everyone]
Al : [voice-over] Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

Al : Oh boy, that's a good one Colonel Sanders. You haven't given up on your wit in your age.
Colonel Van Pelt: Who are you?
Al : I'm your worst nightmare. A shoe man with a badge.
Colonel Van Pelt: No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands.

Al : Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights?
Marcy : Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress.
Al : Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that.
[Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress]
Kelly : Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn.
Al : Sure, have a good time pumpkin.
[Kelly exits]
Al : Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it.
[the phone rings]
Al : Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.

[Al has his head propped up on two beer bottles]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well Al, you're looking better. You've stopped air-guitaring "It's a Small World".
Al : Yeah, it's the beer. Turns out, the brain doesn't need blood. Just gotta keep the brain wet. So what's going on?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, we were up 5 grand, and I said we should take the money and leave, but you said "Damn a unified Germany, play on."

TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman".
Al : [skyward] Good one.

[Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms]
Kelly : Daddy, you look so pale.
Al : Perhaps that's because I've been running all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.
Jefferson: Al, the human body only holds eight pints.
Al : Well, that's what they say, but the brain hides some!

[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter in action, she's...
[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table]
Al : Say goodnight, Super Fly.
Kelly : [comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?
Al : Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Bud : Dad, you got a minute?
Al : For you, Bud? Nah.
Bud : I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?
Al : Mommy's second little joke on me?
Bud : The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.
Al : Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...
Bud : That's Grandmaster, you fool!
Al : Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street.
[cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat]
Al : Yo, I'm broke!
Bud : The Grandmaster will not forget this.

[the Bundys have fled Al and Bud's execution in a horse-drawn cart, but in the next scene are shown walking]
Kelly : Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "good job, Kelly, thank you."
Al : Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then un-hitched the horse!

[Al and Bud have halted on the borderline between Upper Uncton and Lower Unction, resulting in a stalemate between the two towns]
Bud : Why aren't they killing us, Dad?
Al : I don't know, son. We must be on the borderline.
Trevor: Right, then! I'll settle this.
[He snaps his fingers, and the Upper Uncton townspeople seize Peg and Kelly]
Trevor: Now, then: come over here, or your wife and daughter are through!
[Al and Bud trade an incredulous look, then laugh uproariously]
Winston: You fool! That didn't work with the other Bundys either.

[Al has suggested the villagers only pretend to kill him and Bud]
Igor: Well, I demand vengeance! Seamus McBundy insulted my great-great-great-grandmother. And I want revenge.
Al : How 'bout I buy you an Orange Julius in London, buddy.

Igor: [preparing to kill Al] Next time you play a man's game, wear a man's uniform.
Al : And the next time you insult an American, make sure he didn't play high school football.
[kicks Igor in the crotch]

Peggy : Al, I'm scared.
Al : Don't worry, babe. This Igor don't look too tough to me!
Peggy : Oh, it's not him I'm worried about. They're going to be filming, and I left my bright sun makeup in the castle.
[Al takes that in, then addresses the Lower Uncton townspeople]
Al : And you guys thought you were cursed.

Peggy : Al, before your death... I mean, certain victory, there's something I must ask you.
Al : What is it, babe?
Peggy : Do you have our return tickets? I mean, just in case you lose them during your victory dance?
Al : Don't worry about me, babe. I played high school football. If I can take down an entire football team, I can take down a knight on his horse. Besides, if there's the chance I should die, it will comfort me greatly to know that you'll be stuck in this country for life!

Trevor: Let the tournament commence!
Al : [to the Bundys] Well, this is it. Wish me luck, kids.
Bud : [scoffs] What good would it do?
Al : [to Kelly] Pumpkin, what do you have to say?
Kelly : [sobbing] Daddy's dying!
Al : [sarcastic] Well, that's comforting.

[last lines] [Al is chained to a wall in a dungeon next to a grey, bearded prisoner]
Al : What are you in for?
Prisoner: Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?
Al : A towel from the Savoy. Say, what do they feed you in here?
Prisoner: Bread and water.
Al : Then, this is truly the best vacation I've ever had!

Jefferson: I got a big problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her. I need you to do me a little favor.
[Al pulls a "Big 'Uns" from under the couch]
Al : Can I do it while I'm reading the magazine?
Jefferson: You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it.
Al : What is the favor?
Jefferson: I need you to sleep with Marcy.
[Al reacts by slapping Jefferson' arm with the magazine]
Jefferson: I don't mean "sleep" with her. Just lie next to her so I can have enough time to switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie. That 'Barbie-phile' we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute. It'll just take an hour 'til I make the trade. How about it?
Al : But, Jefferson, Peg might wake up and notice me gone, and then it might ruin an otherwise... sickening marriage.

[after finding out that the Barbie doll Jefferson got for Marcy is worth $50,000]
Al : Jefferson, $50,000. Well, what are we going to do?
Jefferson: We...
[takes the doll from Al]
Jefferson: say 'goodbye' to you, and catch a plane to Aruba.

[after finding out that Peg threw away his issue of "Big 'Uns"]
Al : [whining] Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.'
Peggy : Oh, honey. You want Big 'Uns?' I'll give you Big 'Uns.'
Al : No, I said Big 'Uns,' not Those 'Uns.'

Kelly : [watching "Superman"] What does the "S" on his chest stands for?
Al : "Straight". You know, he has to be careful when changing clothes on the phone booth.

[Peggy catches Al sneaking in the front door after being next door]
Peggy : Al! It is four o'clock in the morning! Where have you been.
Al : Uh... next door, sleeping with Marcy.
Peggy : Don't lie to me! What's that smell?
[Peggy sniffs at Al's clothing]
Peggy : You smell like fried chicken. You've been snacking at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack. Haven't you?

[Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks]
Al : Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking.
Marcy : Outta my way, Swamp Gas.
Al : That's Mr. Swamp Gas to you.

[Al's attention is directed towards the T.V]
Kelly : Daddy, do you notice anything different about me?
Al : No, son.
Kelly : Daddy, it's Kelly.
Al : Well, tell her to come in.

[on the phone with Jerry Springer]
Al : Listen Jerry, bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn.
Jerry Springer: And where are you calling from sir, 1952?
Al : I wish. That was a great year for America. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and guys like you were in the closet.
Jerry Springer: And, you forgot to mention where you were. I suspect in a zoo someplace throwing your feces at a passing tourist.
Al : Once again, I wish.

Al : ...where bucks are enough to see their stuff
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Jefferson: ...where the breast may be fake, but man do they shake
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Bob Rooney: ...where you swear like a sailor, and wish you can nail her
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]
Al : ...where the cops are at the door and there's a Kennedy on the floor
[the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar"]

Al : Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.
[the men agree]
Bob Rooney: We've been called pigs.
Pete: We've been called scum.
Jefferson: We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Or at least I have.
Al : But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and perform television's first sexorcism.
[the men in the audience cheered as a tied up and gagged, Jerry Springer looks shocked and tries to move his chair away]
Al : Tell them what thist is Jefferson.
Jefferson: [removes mask] My name's Hank.
Al : Right. Sorry Hank
Jefferson: That's ok Al.
[the men look at him wierd]
Jefferson: Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.
[Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]
Jefferson: A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."
[the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]
Jefferson: It's All Me boxers are coutesy of Bob Rooney.
[Bob corrects him]
Jefferson: I mean Dirk Rooney. Back to you A, Clyde. The hell.
Al : Demand one, you gals want a ladies night, try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.
Al : [the men cheered and Jerry rolls his eyes] Demand two, don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
[cheering]
Al : Demand three, don't ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex or during sex. You're lucky we take our pants off.
Bob Rooney: You take your pants off, how you get them over your shoes.
Jefferson: Demand four, don't ask us to say "I love you" over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a minute to talk to.
Pete: Demand five, Stop talking about Fabio.
Al : Anyway those are our fve demands. We had five more, but someone couldn't blow his nose without a hankey.

[Peg and the kids are watching the screene that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
Al : Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheered]
Al : I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
Kelly : That guy played football in high school.
Bud : That is dad, bonehead.
[points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]
Bud : And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
Peggy : Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peggy : Well I guess so.

Bob Rooney: Hey, we can always go to a news stand and buy a Big 'Uns magazine.
Al : But where would we hide it?
Roger: How about in your wife's hair?
Al : How about in your wife's chins?

Al : Boy, those women really hit us where it hurts this time. Turning the Nudie Bar into a coffee house. What are we going to do now for our Saturday nights?
Roger: We could play bon-bon toss with your wife.
Al : Or we could play peanut toss with the elephant you call your wife!

Al : Miss Dee, as a working woman, what is your opinion of Roe vs. Wade?
Bubbles Double Dee: Gee, I'm sorry. I really don't know that much about boxing. But I'd like to go out to dinner with whoever wins.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: In response to your "don't talk after sex" demand, the only reason why we ask to to talk after sex is so we can know when you're finished.
Al : Oh, yeah? Well, you're a chicken!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: And if what you say is true that we women spend so little time in the kitchen, how come you men spend so much time in the bathroom?
Al : Because... because... you're a chicken!

Bud : Hi, mum.
Peggy : Hi, Kelly.
Kelly : Hi, mum.
Peggy : Hi, Bud.
Al : Hi, Peg, and before you say "Hi, the milkman", it's me.
Peggy : I know, I have a nose.

Kelly : Hi, Daddy. I saw you pushing the car. Doesn't it work?
Al : [sarcastic] Oh, sure it does, honey. It was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car like all those other jerks on the expressway.
Kelly : Oh.
Al : Of course it doesn't work! Honey, if you saw Dad pushing it why didn't you come and give me a hand?
Kelly : Well, it looked pretty boring. I mean you were going so slow and everything. You know, a person could get a heart attack pushing a car in this heat. And you gotta think about Mom. What would she do if she lost the both of us? If you kick, it's okay she can always marry again, but if I went...
Al : Kelly, honey! Forget about it, okay? Just give old Dad a chance to push his spleen through his navel.
Bud : [Bud enters] Hey, Dad. We saw you pushing the old car. Me and some of my friends thought you'd never make it up the hill.
Al : Did you ever thing about helping old Dad?
Bud : In this heat?
Al : You know, you kids have been so great. Why don't you hop in this car and I'll push the two of you to the ice cream parlor.
Kelly : Thanks, Dad! Oh, and push it fast so we'll look cool.

Al : Peg, that money you found and spent was a car fund that I put aside a long, long time ago.
[Peggy shrugs with indifference]
Al : Peg, how could you steal and spend $4,200?
Peggy : Well, you remember when you used to yell at me because there wasn't any juice in the house? Well, I took some of that money and bought you juice... and a fur coat for me. And then when you demanded dinner? Well, I took more money and bought you a bucket of fried chicken... and a fur coat for Mom. And the rest of it, well... I spend it foolishly.
Al : Honey, could you come out in the back yard with me? I have the urge to bury something else!

[Al pushes in an old, rusted Pinto vehicle into the garage to the Walkabout's 'Poor Side of Town']
Peggy : Hi, Honey. I saw you pushing your new car up the street. How do you like it?
Al : Well, it pushes pretty smooth. But a little tough passing on the expressways. But the handling more than makes up for it.

[Al pushes in an old Gremlin vehicle into the garage to the tune of 'King of the Road']
Al : Oh, no... why, God? What have I done? Am I not fit to die?
Peggy : Whoo! Good choice, Honey. It's a much lighter car.
Al : Yeah, I can almost pull this one.

[Al, for the first time ever, DRIVES into the garage in a old Dodge Ford car to the tune of Sam & Dave's 'I'm Walkin']
Kelly : Daddy... you're driving!
Al : You darn tootin'. What do you think?
Peggy : It looks just like your old car.
Al : Peg, you never can relize how important a man's car is and how much it has been used. My old car had just over 99,000 miles on it. This only only has... 18. What does that tell you?
Bud : [sarcastic] That this car was only driven one mile per year?

Peggy : You're really mad about this? You know, if anyone should be mad, it's me. You're the one that's hiding money from me.
Al : That's because you would have spent it all for yourself.
Peggy : Of course I would! So, why are you acting so suprised?

Lucifer: Now here comes my favoire part, your itenuary of eternal torments. For the next millenium, you'll be exclusively dining on the most hideous food ever known to man.
[lifts the top to reveal weenie tots]
Lucifer: Weenie Tots.
Al : Oooh I love those.
Lucifer: Really. Well what you don't know that a steady diet of weenie tots would cause you to spend an eternity in the bathroom.
Al : [shrugs shoulders] Why do you think I love them?
Lucifer: [lowers lid and orders the cook leaves] All right, Mr.Bundy. Since you find Hell such a picnic, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
Al : [kneels and breaks down] This is HEAVEN!

[Al is playing Hangman with Napoleon]
Napoleon: Hmmmmmmm. Could it be zhe letter, P?
Al : Hangman, I win.
Al : It's French Fries, you idiot. Not too smart, are you?
[Al sticks his hand in his pants as Napoleon leaves]

Al : Man what I would give to play for the Chicago Bears. I'd sell my soul to play for the Bears.
[knock on the front door and Al opens it]
Lucifer: Good afternoon. I'm here to fix your television.
Al : Nothing wrong with my television.
Lucifer: Oh...
[Lucifer snaps his fingers and the TV set explodes]
Al : Uh, you know my wife needs some fixing too.

[Al sees that Peggy and Jefferson are sitting motionless in from of the TV set]
Al : Peg? Jefferson?
Lucifer: They can't hear you. I've frozen them.
Al : Please! These are two of the laziest people in the world. You want to impress me, make them get jobs.
Lucifer: I'm the devil, not a genie.

Lucifer: Allow me to introduce my team. Erik the Red, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Brutus, and my favorite, Goliath.
Al : These guys aren't football players.
Lucifer: I know. They just hurt people.
Al : That's not fair. I don't have a team.
Lucifer: Oh, sure you do, Al.
[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Jefferson, and Marcy appear behind Al all wearing football uniforms]
Al : Like I said, I don't have a team.

Al : If you're a repairman, where's your butt crack?
Lucifer: My tail's covering it. I'm Lucifer.
[the devil takes off his cap to reveal a pair of horns in his forehead]
Al : Peg, one of your relatives is here!

Peggy : Al Bundy, this is all your fault. I shouldn't be down here in Hell with you. I should be up in Heaven having sex with a young Elvis.
Al : Well, then it wouldn't be Heaven for him anymore, would it?

Peggy : We should've left them at home.
Al : You should've left us at the altar.

Wolfman Jack: Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack! Let me in or I'll huff, and puff, and blow your mind down!
Al : [to the other Bundys] Say, did anyone here join a record club? I'm talking like... 30 years ago?

Peggy : Would Ed McMahon lie?
Al : I don't know. Would he drink? Would he laugh at a joke that's not funny? Would he pout the taste of dog food if he thought he could make a stinking buck?

Peggy : Al, you don't mind spending the time here with me.
Al : [sarcastic] No. I'd rather be here comforting you than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.

Gretchen: Hi, I'm Gretchen, the athletics coordinator on the ship. I just dropped by to ask if you two guys will be taking aerobics classes during the cruise.
Jefferson D'Arcy: That depends. Are you taking them?
Gretchen: I'm teaching them.
Al : We're taking them.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Why must you always be so negative?
Al : Why did you cross the road?
[insulted, Marcy kicks Al in his shin]
Al : Oww! What'd I say?

Peggy : Al, why can't we go on a cruise together? It'll be really romantic.
Al : Peg, I don't want to go on any cruise. You know me. All that rocking up and down, side to side, backwards and forwards... I'll be throwing up all night. And then, there's the motion of the boat.

Activist #1: Hey mister, sign this petition and save the trees.
Al : Who cares?
Activist #2: Hey mister, sign this petition to save the world from nuclear holocaust.
Al : Who cares?
[a man named Doug mans another table]
Doug: Hey buddy, they're gonna raise our beer tax two cents.
Al : Oh my God. Well, this has to be stopped.

Marcy : All right... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development.
Al : So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no sleep?

Bud : Dad, who's our real father?
Al : Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.

Al : [drunk] Family, did you know that, along with an election coming up, there's something big going on. They're trying to sneak by a two cent beer tax. Two cents! And what really gets to me is that the money that they're gonna raise, is gonna go for education! Well, I'll be damned if I'm paying two cents for some moron to learn how to read! I mean, where's it gonna end? I mean, pretty soon they'll be taxing... income!
Marcy : Well, Al, it's nice to see that you care about something besides wondering who's back is hairier, yours or your dogs'.
Al : Or, who's chest is hairier, mine or yours.

Al : Read my lips: don't tax beer.Al : This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and Lincoln. And
[turns around at a round table where this volunteer sits]
Al : , they signed the Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it. Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here.

Al : Read my lips: don't tax beer.Al : Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test.
Peggy : Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
Kelly : And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license.
Peggy : [with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

Al : Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud : That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al : Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Al : No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500 freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my license...
Kelly : Who's taking you, Dad?
Al : I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything: not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me. From now on, we have a new Bundy rule: every man for himself.

Al : Hey, Steve? [chuckles]
Al : You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al : [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Steve: [looking through the booklet] Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?
Al : Who cares?
Steve: A cop in a business or residential area.

Al : [ironically] Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket
[to Kelly] Al : because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for
[glances at Peg] Al : the bumper-car queen over here...
Kelly : [smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
[Kelly wraps her arms around Al] Al : No, it's the insurance.

Peggy : I can't believe you still have that car.
Al : I can't believe I still have you.

Peggy : Hey Al, I found one. It's called Like Water for Chocolate, it's a love story.
Al : What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs. Assfire.
Peggy : Water.
Al : Fire.

Peggy : You haven't liked a single movie I've selected.
Al : That's because they all suck.
Peggy : Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
All the men: Yes.

Peggy : Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains?
Al : Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?

Peggy : Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Al : That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey. How about...
[shows the case to Peggy] Al : Wrestlemania Bloopers.
Peggy : You could have taped our honeymoon for that.

Bud : Dad. I got a problem.
Bud : I, er, I did something really stupid.
Al : Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?

Al : Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house...
[switches on the TV] Al : watch.
TV Announcer: Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings.
Al : I'll drive.

Al : Brother Jefferson will now read the minutes from our last meeting.
Jefferson: 8:01... 8:02, 8:03, 8:04...

Al : We've got to do something about this baseball strike. It's affecting the way we live!
Bob Rooney: Yeah, I had to take my wife to the beauty parlor!
Ike: I had to take my wife to the opera!
Al : I had to TAKE my wife!

Al : Officer Dan, I confess to killing a bunch of people and... eating them.
Officer Dan: Nice try, Al. If that's really true, they you've already had your ribs.

Al : You know what the best part of all this is?
Peggy : You're uniform has a trap door?
Al : If only the couch had one.

Joe Morgan: We're here with the leader of the Wrigley Field break-in boys, Al Birdy.
Al : Actually it's Bundy. Al Bundy.
Joe Morgan: Never mine, Birdy. Let me ask you, why?
Peggy : I've asked him that same question myself over the years and he said he's either too tired or...
Al : [interrupting] Pay no attention to the big, red, eating machine, Joe. Why did we break into Wrigley Field to play baseball? For the love of the game. Just like every American husband, 52 weeks of the year, who watch baseball.
[Mike Piazza, manning the video camera, pans it over to Kelly standing nearby who does some very seductive poses for him, as Al continues talking]
Al : [voice] Since that right has been violated, and the owners and players have not been able to resolve their differences, we decided to play the game ourselves.
Joe Morgan: [stepping into the frame of the image] Unfortunately, our audience might have missed that since the camera is suddenly shooting Baywatch!
Mike Piazza: I'm sorry, I was, uh... just testing my auto focus thingy.

Al : Griff, as the new pedge to be in NO MA'AM, you have endured all the required challenges. The purchasing of Panty Shield stockings in a lingerie shop in broad daylight. The attending of a Julio Iglesias concert in a wig and matching assumble. Are you ready for the third and final challenge?
Griff: Hey... I have an ex-wife and I work in a shoe store. I feel no pain.

Al : Now look, if the players don't want to play ball, I don't give a damn. We don't need them. We can play with ourselves.
Ike: So... the meeting is dismissed?
Al : Shut up!

Sticky: Al, do you think this is right to subject Griff to this for his acceptance into NO MA'AM?
Bob Rooney: Yeah, the human mind is only made of flesh and bone.
Al : NO MA'AM isn't California. You can't just walk in.

Al : I want my Dodge, dag-nabit.
Mikey: Dag-nabit? What did you do, get the "Hooked on Phonics" Yosemite Sam tape?

Mikey: [a teenager] I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.
Al : Of what? The Mets?
Mikey: I don't take lip from shoe salesmen. Now what do you want? I have a book report due tomorrow.
Al : I want my car. It never came out the other end.
Mikey: Are you sure you brought a car?
Al : No, I drove the wife. Of course I brought a car, you zit farm.

Peggy : Wanker County was originally called "Olbie Wooba Possum Watamee" which means, "Land of the Big Gassy Possum".
Al : Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.

Al : Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge with my name on it.
[Al walks out to look for his car and the others remain]
Peggy : Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.

Al : Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.
Peggy : The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.
Al : Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. [Al holds the box up] Al : Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".

Al : Oh Peg, look a racing strip!
Peggy : The Dodge doesn't need a racing strip. I couldn't hit 60 if it dropped out of a plane.
Al : [Al holds a tight fist up] No but you could Peg! See Peg you spend money on a fribulous -
[Interupts himself] Al : Ooh, Peg look car bras!
Peggy : The Dodge doesn't need a car bra.
[Al holds up a car bra purchase box]
Al : Oh it's not for the Dodge Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size, Astrovan.

Al : [to attendant] You keep your hands off my CD player.
Peggy : Al, we don't have a CD player.
Al : Well we would have, Peg, if you hadn't have said that.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al : Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Al : So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of "Can you top this?" One started off, "We'll make him a shoe salesman." Then another said, "We'll give him a red-head." Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, "But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater."
Kelly : But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.
Al : Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?

Peggy : Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al : Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy : That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Peggy : Al?
Al : Hmm?
Peggy : What should we name the baby?
Al : The Reaper?

Al : Hey, don't kid yourself, I've got plenty of money saved up ...Whoops. Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any. I'm gonna get me a Big Boy Socket Wrench Set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.

Al : Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good.
Peggy : Honey?
Al : Yes?
Peggy : Guess what?
Al : What?
Peggy : I'M PREGNANT TOO!
Marcy : How far along are you?
Peggy : Five months.
Al : Five months?
Peggy : Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
Al : Well... yeah.

Melissa: You never buy us shoes.
Ramon: Do I not leave the curtain open when I change?
Taylor: That's not shoes. We want to work out next to the shoe guy.
Al : Formerly known as Al. Oh and I was just joshing about that melon thing.

Ramon: You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky. How do you do it?
Al : Well, Ramon, you see since the dawn of time, women and shoes have gone together like alcohol and fire arms. Sure we men of the foot might have a slight PR problem, but once you've tried shoe you never go back. Who loves you, baby?
[Turns around and falls out the window;crashes]

Matilda: I swear, my foot was a size six before I went to practice... all that jumping must have expanded my foot.
Al : Then I guess you must have fallen on your ass a couple of times...
Matilda: How dare you say that to my face!
Al : Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!

Gary: Out with it, Bundy, what's your store idea?
Al : Anything but an aerobics studio.
Gary: You called me all the way down here to suggest anything but an aerobics studio?
Al : Yeah, what do you say?
Gary: I'd say you're fired if I weren't sure you'd make more on unemployment.

Jefferson: What year did the Cubs last win the World Series?
Al : 1908.
Peggy : And yet you can't remember the year we were married?
Al : Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting.
Peggy : Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.

Jefferson: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial?
Al : No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language.
Marcy : You're talking beer, you're talking his belly.
Al : [Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?

Bud : Hey, Dad, we heard the sports bar is opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour.
[Stifling laughter] Bud : Which one are you going to?
[Laughs] Al : Ha ha ha. Kids, you wanna do ol' Dad a favor before he kills ya?

Jefferson: You copied that from Bugs Bunny.
Al : No, Daffy Duck.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al : Daffy.
Jefferson: Bugs.
Al : Daffy.
Peggy : Why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?

Al : What's on now?
Peggy : I Love Lucy.
Al : Well I hate Lucy. The real star was Fred. They should've killed off Ethel, Lucy and that illegal alien... Made Fred a single man and called it "Mertz's World", but oh well.

Peggy : What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?
Al : What does NBC have to do with television?

Peggy : You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?
Al : A "Bewitched" with Dick York, not Dick Sargent, as Darrin, a "Gilligan" where the gorilla comes to the island, a "Full House" Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.
Peggy : You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?
Al : I see what I want to see.

Peggy : Oooh, look, "It's A Wonderful Life".
Al : Peg, I hate this movie.
Peggy : How can you hate "It's A Wonderful Life"?
Al : Because it's a horrible life. You know the reason they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back he killed himself. And this time he took that angel with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks, it bites, it blows. But if you wanna watch it, Peg...

Announcer: A&E is proud to present: It's a Hitler Christmas.
Al : A&E? I thought we had that blocked!

Bud : Nice to spend these father-son moments together, Dad.
Al : Shut up, I'm trying to read. Oh great, this is Japanese. Oh, here we go. Er, 'Achtung hier hat der kab'. These aren't instructions, it's the history of World War Two. Ah. Here it is, er, 'Attention vous avez'. Oh hell. More people we should have killed. Where's American? Er, here it is, here it is. 'Battery check before to put cable on be sure'.

Al : Here, Peg, you go, and have a good time.
Peggy : Aww, that's sweet Al, but I can't go without you. My memories of Johnny B Goodes are of us being together.
Al : I'm glad to hear you say that Peg, because I had no intention of giving you this ticket.

Bud : Dad, why is Mrs. Rhoades wearing a towel?
Al : Bud, do you want to hear a long, boring story about a short, boring woman or do you want your car fixed?

[Marcy is looking for a fish eye that fell off a large broiled haddock while wearing only a towel]
Marcy Rhoades: Do you see a fish eye down there?
Al : No, but I see a chicken leg.

Al : Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you?
Old Lady: [shouting] Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall?

Al : [smiling] Well, age before beauty.
Old Lady: [sweetly] Thank you, Beauty.
Al : [dejectedly] You're welcome, Age.

Peggy : Okay Al, I got your batteries.
Al : Peg, these are A's, I needed D's.
Peggy : A's, D's, what's the difference?
Al : They're too small.
Peggy : Then use a lot of them.
Al : Better yet, I'll exchange them... for bullets!

Peggy : Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3-D.
Al : Is the third dimension the funny one?

Al : Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
Peggy : Well, you'll thank me in December.
Al : Only if you leave me in November.

Al : Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.
Peggy : Uh, like during sex?
Al : No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

Man: My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love.
Man: We're like rabbits.
Al : Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.

Al : I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight. [Rabbit's head pops out of hole]
Peggy : [talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.
Al : Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you!
[as Peggy drags him into the house] Al : I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Al : Oh, Peg, it was horrible. 16 straight hours of shoe-selling mayhem. The last thing I remember that that I was down on one knee, waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman. The first thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is when you've got a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
Peggy : So what?
Al : Today's Wednesday!

Marcy : Oh, come on Al. You can't keep this up for a whole month. Sooner or later, some chorally challenged woman is going to walk through those doors and your going to end up insulting her. You know why? Because you don't know the first thing about politically correct behavior.
Al : What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?
Marcy : Today's obese woman feels that it's their God-given right to be heavy, and they do not like being insulted or commented on it by you or me or anyone.
Al : So for example, if some moo-cow rumbles in here with a pie under each quadruple chin, I'm not supposed to ask her if that's the Star Spangled Banner that she's belching so that I can know whether to sit or stand.
Marcy : No, ye of so little deodorant.

Al : You must be Ironhead Haynes.
Ironhead Haynes: Yep. And you must be some idiot that doesn't know there's a road leading up here from the other side of this mountain.

Roger: Al, this legend of Ironhead Haynes could be as phony as your wife's hair color.
Al : Or it could be real like your wife's hair color, Roger. I know it's real, because it matches her moustache!

Al : I hate those little complaint boxes outside in the mall. A fat woman comes into the shoe store today, and she's so huge that she's protected by Greenpeace, and asked for a size four shoe. I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy : Honey, I complain about your performance all the time, and you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.

Al : What we need to do is find someone who can tell us how to fight this insanity.
Roger: That's right. We need a man's man.
Bob Rooney: Someone who always calls his own shots.
Jefferson D'Arcy: A leader to lead us through the 90's.
Officer Dan: A man among men.
Bob Rooney, Roger, Barney, Officer Dan: Ironhead Haynes!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Who's Ironhead Haynes?
Al : The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.
Roger: He had a beard in the 7th Grade, and a wife.
Officer Dan: Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman's knife.
Al : He could have been a great football player for Polk High. But he refused to take off his spurs.
Jefferson D'Arcy: We wore cowboy boots while playing football?
Al : No boots. Just spurs.

Al : [reading Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments] Rule number one: it's okay to all hooters knockers and sometimes snack trays. Rule Two: it is wrong to be French. Rule Three: it is okay to put all bad people into a giant meat grinder. Rule Four: lawyers... see Rule Three. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes. Everyone should car pool except me. Bring back the word 'stewardesses'. Synchronized swimming for women is not a sport. Mud wrestling for women is a sport. Those are your Ten Commandments.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, that's only nine.
Al : Oh... these are your Nine Commandments.

Al : That driveway out there. As you can see, it's built nowhere up to it's code. I made it out of ground up women's shoes. So, how much is the fine?
Gary Coleman: Well since you turned yourself in, I'll let it go at $100.
Al : I see, and what if I said I made it that way just to make you look like an idiot?
Gary Coleman: Then that would be $1,500.
Bud : And what if we called you a moron to boot?
Gary Coleman: $2,000.
Kelly : Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?
Gary Coleman: No, I am not.
Kelly : Good. I hated that show.
Gary Coleman: $5,000.

Marcy : Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?
Al : Going blind if you stand up.

[the Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth]
Marcy : We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson?
Jefferson: Sure, as long as he pays the toll.
Al : What's the toll?
Marcy : $1,500, exact change please.
Al : $1,500? Are you crazy?
Jefferson: [cocks rifle] Who you callin' crazy, Punk?
Al : Uh... Your wife.

Al : [Bud and his date are about to leave] Son, since you're using the Dodge tonight, I need you to stop by the hardware store and pick up fifty pounds of manure for me and stop at the drug store and pick up some 'rhoid cream for me.
Kelly : While you're there, get me some extra large maxipads too.
Bud : Does anyone need me to pick up anything really embarrassing?
Peggy : Suppositories!

Peggy : Al, don't tell me you're calling the...
Al : [on the phone] Police?
Peggy : Well at least don't tell them that you're...
Al : Al Bundy here. I'd like to report a missing apple. No, not some stupid computer, I'm talking about a fruit. I know it's not a donut, but it's important to me.
Al : They're transferring me to the Chief of Stolen Produce. Hello, who is this? Lt. Granny Smith? You sound like that Officer Jalopy I talked to when I called to report the Dodge missing... Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor. Er, who is the mayor?
[writes down name] Al : "McCheese". Okay you're in trouble now, Buddy, I voted for him.
[hangs up] Al : And they say you can't fight city hall.

Mr. Blithers: Ah, Mr. Boondy.
Al : Actually, it's Bundy.
Mr. Blithers: Sorry. Anyway, Mr. Boondy...

[Bud is Al's driving examiner]
Al : I like to remind you, Son, while you're figuring out my score. If I don't get my driver's license, thay means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, then I'll have to stay home and I'll be home all the time. Day and Night. When you bring your dates over, I WILL be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't ya Son?
Bud : Not the ones that read, "If you lived here you'd be home now"!
Al : And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheese Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, Son, HOW DID I DO?
Bud : [hands Al a card] You passed.

DMV Worker: What language do you speak?
Al : I speak the same language as everyone else in this country.
DMV Worker: Ah, Spanish.

Bud : Dad, I need $700.
Al : No problem, we'll sell the house. Of course we'll have to come up with the other $500.

[Phone rings]
Al : Hello, Peg.
Peggy : How did you know it was me?
Al : Because I actually heard God laugh.

Kelly : Daddy?
Al : What is it, pumpkin?
Kelly : Yeah, I just got a call from the doctor. I'm dying. I have Bolivia. The doctor says it's terminus.
Al : How long do you have, pumpkin?
Kelly : Until Christmas day, and the only known cure is a good present. One from the $225-$275 price range

Peggy : So Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Bud : 5 bowls a-flushing?
Peggy : 4 'roids a throbbing?
Kelly : 3 nose hairs waving?
Bud : 2 children starving?
Peggy : [singing] 1 UNTOUCHED WIFE!
Al : I guess that's what they mean when they say ""chestnuts roasting on an open".

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What if men had breasts?
Al : Then we wouldn't need women anymore.
Peggy : And if you had what other men had, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al : That's what happened to my Diehard!

Peaches: Excuse me, sir. Do you know where they keep the bun sparkle?
Al : I believe they keep it in the produce department.

Vicky: Excuse me, sir. Are you straight?
Al : The hairs on my chest are.

Al : I'd like a bra for my wife, who's a woman... sort of.
Muffy: Well, what's her cup size? Is she my size?
[Al stares at Muffy's bust, blankly] Muffy: Sir?
Al : Oh, I'm sorry. I was sweating in my eye. My wife... her cup size is like...
[Al walks over to another female customer with a large bust and puts his hands on both her breasts]
Al : She's just like this. Do you agree with me, Steve?
Steve Rhoades: [embarrassed] I'm not speaking to you, Al.

Al : Hey, Pops. How they hangin'?
Pops: Not too bad, son. Not too bad. I see you ordered the Fancy Figure 327. Solid bra. A bra with it's feet on the ground. A real man's bra.
[both Al and Pops the owner look over at a gay man trying on cosmetics and trying on a beauty contestant crown]
Al : Ah, will you look at that? And they wonder why we call them queens.
Pops: Yeah... they ought to be a law.
Muffy: [off-screen] Pops! Phone! It's your wife.
Pops: [to Al] My wife: nag, nag, nag! Sheetz!
[Al laughs as Pops walks around the desk to the back... revealing that he's not wearing slacks, but women's stockings and garter belts! Al jumps, looking hilariously shocked and disgusted]

Peggy : Am I in Hell?
Al : No, Peg, if you were in Hell then you'd be sitting on a throne and the devil would be packing.

Al : Peg, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, unless, of course, you're in it. So I'll make this fast.
Peggy : Like you know any other way.

Kelly : Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor.
Al : [Raises a hand to stop Kelly] Touch that phone, I'll kill ya.

Al : Kids, now that we've retrained Mommy, I've come up with a plan that will maximise her productivity. There are three of us. And Mommy can only work 24 hours a day.
Kelly : Why?
Al : [Ignoring her; to Bud] There are two of us.

Jefferson: OK, Al. I'm here.
[sniffing the air] Jefferson: Hey, hey. Do I smell... food?
Al : [walking over to him] Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my colon's seen in many a year.
Jefferson: Thanks for sharing that, Al.
Al : Oh, I'm not sharing it.

Kelly : Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this,
[sits on the chair] Kelly : but before your accident, you promised me a new car.
Al : Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family.
Kelly : Oh. Oh, right. DUH.
Al : Well, the other one.

Al : A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of?
Peggy : Kelly's?
Al : Damn right, if only if I can find where she hides her purse.

[as Kelly is winning the TV sports trivia show]
Al : She did it! She's winning! Peg, you're gettin' some tonight!
Peggy : Al, can I get some tomorrow night too? And some the following night, and so on?
Al : Not unless Kelly wins this last question.
[after Kelly loses the TV quiz show's final question]
Peggy : Uh... Al. Am I still gettin' some?
Al : No, Peg. In fact, I just might take some back.

Kelly : Daddy, I can't go on a sports trivia show. I don't know anything about sports.
Al : So? You went to class every day and you don't know anything about school.
Kelly : Then how come they gave me... uh... one of those...
Al : Diploma?
Kelly : Yeah.
Al : Because you tried.

Bud : You have to understand, Kelly's brain can hold anything. But there are some things you have to know. One: that it's totally empty.
Al : Woudn't you know it.
Bud : And two: that you can't just shove information into her head. You have to be careful. Feed her information slowly, bit by bit, drop by drop, until she's full.
Al : Full?
Bud : Oh, yeah. Kelly's brain can actually get full with information. And then you got to be really careful. Because each new thought after that will totally replace an old one. That's why Kelly forgot to wear a blouse on the day she went to take her drivers ed exam.

Al : Tell me everything you know about sports.
Kelly : I know that you scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, Daddy.
Al : That's right. What else?
Kelly : Golf spelled backwards is "flog".
Al : [beat] Oh... this is going to take a lot of work.

[Psycho Dad is playing on the TV]
Al : Peg, I'm so exited.
Peggy : Al, I hate 'Psycho Dad'. It's just...
Al : Peg! There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth that's going to keep me from watching 'Psycho Dad.'
[the TV set's image blows up, short circuiting the set]
Al : Uh... Peg. This God we pray to every Sunday... what do you think "she" looks like?

[a tall, skanky woman enters the shoe store]
Al : Can I help you?
Frieda: Do you have anything sexy?
Al : No. Do you?
[the woman punches Al]
Al : Ah, it's a good job.

[a little fat girl named Penelope is trying on shoes]
Penelope: Does this look like pink? I said pink. Pink you bone top!
Al : A thousand apologies, my little carbuncle.
Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
Al : Yeah, well take a gander into the seat next to you if you wanna see what your future looks like.
[Penelope's super-obese mother is sitting in the chair]
Leona: Come, Penelope. Let's go someplace where they treat us with respect.
Al : Why don't you two try the moon? You'll weigh less there.

Dexter: Mr Bundy? I'm Dexter, the temp you ordered.
Al : That can't be. I ordered someone with a 44-inch chest.
Dexter: D-Cup?
Al : Yeah.
Dexter: That's me.
Al : So, Dexter, have you ever sold shoes before?
Dexter: Nope. You?
Al : Nope.

Bud : Where are you going?
Peggy : We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
Kelly : Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
Al : Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
Bud : But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
Al : Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Peggy : Do you know my boobs?
Al : Yeah, they're standing in line for concert tickets.

Peggy : Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Al : Then jump off the roof, Peg.

Al : [Al's finger is caught in a fat woman's shoe] I wonder what could happen to make this situation any worse.
Sandy: I have to go to the bathroom.

[playing Mad Libs]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Now, somebody give me a verb.
Al : Cluck?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Okay. Now, somebody give me a command.
Ariel: Cluck you?
Al : I like you.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: You know, maybe Mad Libs is a little too advanced for you people. Let's just play 20 Questions. Now, who wants to start?
Al : Go to hell.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: That's not a question.
Ariel: Why don't you got to hell?
Al : I really like you.

Sandy: These shoes are too big. I'm swimming in them.
Al : Well that'll explain the life preserver under your dress.
Sandy: I'm going out on a limb here. You never been employee of the month.
Al : That's right, but if I were you I wouldn't go out on any limbs.
Sandy: Look, I'm a size five, and you are going to sell me a five if I have to sit here all night!
Al : So because you're made at me, you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair. The chair has suffered enough already.
Sandy: Well, I have had enough of you!
Al : Well, you wouldn't say that if I brought you fries and a medium drink. You know medium, the sizes between small and you!
Sandy: I'm not leaving here until you help me.
Al : Well I don't know what I can do, but I'll give it a shot.

Sandy: Excuse me, but am I invisible?
Al : Possibly from Pluto.

Radio Announcer: Well, it's not over yet folks. That tornado that hit Cook County is expected to double back at force five.
Al : Force five? F5? That's five times stronger than the last one!
[both Peggy and Marcy are fixing themselves up by putting on makeup]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Dear God, no! I can't live through that again.
Al : Oh... the darkness, the cold... the awful suction!
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
Al : Neither am I!

Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, I know we swore on a stack of Big 'Uns that we would keep the secret way out a secret, but...
Al : I think you're right, Jefferson. This is a matter of life... or sex.

Al : Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas little boy?
Matt: I don't really want anything. I just want and end to pollution. Let's start here. You're breath stinks!
[the boy sprays mouthwash into Al's mouth]
Al : Ahh! Always remember that Santa hates you.
Matt: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Chant a spell and turn me into a frog, a bum, or a shoe salesman?

Al : Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas little girl?
Denise: A husband to yell at and torture.
Al : Well, not this year. But I'm pretty sure you'll get one.

Marcy : Hi Santa! What's that smell? Did one of your raindeer leave a no-no? Oh my bad. That must be the ghost of foot fungus past.
Al : Ho, ho, ho, little girl. You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Santa knows what you want for Christmas. You want a pair of breasts... just a grown-up woman. But Santa says, be happy with that you have which is the body of a young boy.

[a very drunk Al is passed out at the Santa Bar]
Al : It was all worth it... it was all worth it...
Bartender: Hey, wake up buddy. It's closing time. Five o'clock.
Al : Oh, I was dreaming. I gave my son breasts.
Bartender: That's a very cool dream, sir.
Al : Well, uh... how much do I owe you for all these beers?
Bartender: Nothing. You already paid... for everybody. Well you were unconscious, and the other Santas lifted your wallet while you were out. But I figured that you wanted to pay for all of them, you being Santa and all.
[the bartender laughs and Al begins to sheepishly laugh too, realizing that he now has no money to buy Christmas presents for his family. Al then grabs the bartender by his collar, and looks at his gold necklace which has the word 'Ray' stamped on it]
Al : And now... uh "Ray". Can we talk?

[Marcy wakes up one morning and finds herself married to Jefferson]
Al : Now, Jeff, all kidding aside, run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist, but the key word here is "run!"
Jefferson: Don't you think she's cute, Al?
Al : Run.

[Marcy identifies herself as Jefferson's wife]
Jefferson: By the way, my name is Jefferson.
Marcy : I'm Marcy.
Al : Yeah, I'm Al, so now that the Beatles have been reunited, you can get the hell out of here!

Marcy : All I know is I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. I don't even know who he is.
Al : Well, that's easy, he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.

Al : Hey Jefferson! What did you do that landed you in prison?
Jefferson: I sold some land off of Lake Chichamacarnago. Yeah the place is so poluted it won't be fit for inhabitants for another 20 years.

Al : I thought you said you had money put away.
Griff: I did, but then I bought a corn dog and a kiddie Coke and there went my nest egg.

Griff: You sure make one UGLY hobbit.
Al : I happen to be the Elfineer!

Al : All right, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us?
Griff: Michael Jackson?

Al : Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a big hat, too. So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something that's even more important. My self respect.
Gary: You can have your job back.
Al : [desperately relieved] Thank you. Thank you.

[having found out certain similarities between his and Hal's and Griff's lives]
Al : Congratulations, boys, you've peaked. You're gonna slave away in here day in, day out, year in, year out, until one day you'll be close to 50, and you'll be an elf, driving a choo-choo!

Al : What kind of job are you doing?
Griff: I got an executive position in the overnight-delivery business.
Mall Manager: Hey, Blitzen, get your tail back over to the sled!
[a raindeer dancer approaches] Reindeer Dancer: [high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Prancer.
Al : No kidding.
Reindeer Dancer: [to Griff] Come on, Blitzen. It's time to get into our harness.
Al : What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?
Griff: One more crack out of your and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.

Al : Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women.
Peggy : Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one.
Al : I'm not interested in either one.

Al : What do I need a computer for?
Marcy : News updates.
Al : Newspaper.
Marcy : Social events.
Al : TV Guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al : [Placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al : Don't care.

Steve: Welcome to Tomorrowland, Al, where do you want it?
Al : How about over here in It's a Broke World Afterall.

Steve: Al, did you know that your dog is burying himself in your backyard?
Al : Well I hope it's not the spot by the hose because that little plot's for me.

Kelly : Call 'who' Ishmael?
Al : Ah, me. Look, Kelly, we have a million dollar computer sitting over here, why don't you do your report on it?
Kelly : I tried. I turned it on and I typed in "Ishmael". You know what it said to me, Dad? Ishmael. It even spelled it wrong.

Al : This computer cost me a fortune. Now, I don't plan to watch our money go down the drain like I did with the stove and the refrigerator and our marriage certificate. Now as I slowly sink into bankrupcy, I want to have a memory. So, I want you to do something - ANYTHING - with that computer.
Peggy : [scene flips. The computer now sits on a desk of its own and is accompanied by a printer and a phone] There. You happy, Al?
Al : [sarcastically] Yeah, couldn't be happier.

Bud : Dad...
Al : Go away.
Bud : This isn't about money.
Al : Go away anyway.
Bud : Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al : All right, what?
Bud : Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al : Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Jefferson D'Arcy: There, Al. Now that you got some color back in your cheeks, you mind telling me what were you doing kneeling behind by car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth?
Al : [wheezing] My wife... wants me to make love to her.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, shouldn't she be the one kneeling behind my car with the exhaust pipe in her mouth?

Jefferson D'Arcy: Wilt Chamberlain once claimed to have made love to over 20,000 women.
Al : Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.

Jefferson D'Arcy: You can do it, Al.
Al : No I can't! It's my wife! It's not right!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Then it's your own damn fault for being so desirable.
Al : You may be right. If my mind says "yes", how can my body not say "no"?

[Al looks at the destruction inside his house after the Anthrax house party]
Al : [to Kelly and Bud] You kids should be ashamed at yourselves! Having a party while I was stuck down in a Florida swamp hotel having sex with your mother. I never want to go back either place again. Where's my fun in life?
Peggy : Al, like you, the kids just did their best.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
Al : Oh, I don't know, some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

Al : Kelly's stupid not because we didn't have a wave machine back then. It's because your parents were brother and sister!
Peggy : My parents are not brother and sister. They just started to look alike after Mom's hair fell out.

Al : Miss, how much for a ID of an ex-pro football player with a cool nickname?
Girl Vendor: 200 dollars.
Al : Well, what can I get for a buck?
Girl Vendor: A shoe salesman named 'Al'.

Peggy : Al, listen, I'm already done with the first trimester. Now what if what's left is all good, and we miss out on it?
Al : [laughing] You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain something to you. There is no such thing as a trimester. There's actually just one long forty year-mester. Except when they're pregnant, you get what I call the mini-mester. You've got your fat-mester and your puke-mester, and lord in heaven, you got your horny-mester.

[a pregnant Peggy is sitting up in bed and wolfing down food]
Peggy : Gee Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell.
Al : Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?

Peggy : [after Al puts on the "Bon Jovi hair"] Gee, Al. You look like Tarzan. He was old and gay.
Al : Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.

Al : [after having his insurance canceled and still giving the car keys to the kids] Ah, at least my pain is gone.
Peggy : Al.
Al : Oops.

Peggy : How was your date, snuckum?
Al : Oh fine, fine. Just me cruising around, listening to the Oldies station at 1500 Watts. Made a lot of new friends. Take, uh, Officer Lewis for example. Unfortunately I couldn't hear his siren at first, but luckily police cars are now equipped with rammers, that gently eased me into the rail. Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets; including the on for bleeding on his tab. How was your day?

Marcy Rhoades: [entering the room slightly laughing, holding a car phone in her hand] Oh, god. You want to hear something funny? This car phone lay over at my house and a policeman came over and asked me what car I thought it came from, the Mercedes or the Dodge.
[laughing, the getting a slight grip, to Al] Marcy Rhoades: He thought it could be yours.
[into the car phone] Marcy Rhoades: What's that? A woman cross town needs a seven-triplle-E? I'm on my way.
[immitates an accelerating car] Marcy Rhoades: Whoever thought seeing an accident like that could be that much fun.
Al : You saw it?
Marcy Rhoades: Yeah. I was saying goodnight to my date.
Peggy : Oh, Al, a non-Bundy as a witness. They'll believe her?
Al : But Peg, do you think a judge will believe that she had a date?

Al : [ironically] Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket
[to Kelly] Al : because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for
[glances at Peg] Al : the bumper-car queen over here...
Kelly : [smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
[Kelly wraps her arms around Al] Al : No, it's the insurance.

Al : Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look cooly out the window and we'll pretend these
[their wives] Al : are our mothers.

Al : Hello? Dr. Mustang. You got the ornament?
[to Peg] Al : He got the little horse.
Peggy : [sarcastically] Yee-ha.
Al : [on the phone] You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs. Mustang.

Al : Look at it, Steve, it's a virgin. There has never been a cigarette in that ash tray.
[Peggy sticks her cigarette into the ash tray as she walks in]

Peggy : How many beers have you had tonight, Al?
Al : I don't know.

Peggy : Is it dead, Al?
Al : It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peggy : Something went in your shoe and lived? Will you call an exterminator now?
Al : Nah, now it's personal.

Al : You know I had a horrible dream last night. There was this big mosquito with a huge red head and tight pants, hovering over me, sucking money from my wallet. Then it wanted a kiss.
[slight pause] Al : By the way, where is your mother?

Peggy : Why are you so afraid of a little mouse, anyway?
Peggy : Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother, and I kept it in my room. I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it and then one day it got sick.
Al : Hmm, and still you go on kissing others.
Peggy : Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?" She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up... and then all the kids threw up. And then, they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face, worms in your hair. Where's the little mouse girl? There, there, there."
[Al, Bud and Kelly laugh heartily] Peggy : Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.
Al : Well, kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she's got cooties.

Bud : [after setting the traps, and being very sure to kill the mouse shortly thereafter] Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here, that mice are pretty intelligent.
Al : Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big
[simulates a height of maximal one half of an inch with his fingers] Al : mine's at least twice that size.
Peggy : Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.
Kelly : [Kelly bursts down the stairs] Dad, you cannot be serious. A mousetrap in my room?
[holds up a trap] Bud : The guys under the bed object, Kel?
Kelly : Dad, it's a humiliation. What will my friends think when they see mousetraps everywhere?
Al : Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies.
Kelly : Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?
Peggy : Well, your father's taking care of it.
Kelly : Oh, great, might as well build him a room.

Peggy : Is he down there? Did you get him? What happened, Al?
Al : He doodied on the trap... and in my bowling shoes.
Peggy : Oh, my god. He was in your shoes and he lives? This is no ordinary mouse.
Kelly : Can we call the exterminator now?
Al : No, no, it's personal now. Not only will I kill this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And if there's one spark of life left in its twitching little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open and make it watch thirtysomething. No one doodies in Al Bundy's shoes and lives!

Al : I went downstairs, and I only pretended to take up all the traps. But I left one, a big one, with a nice juicy piece of cheese. And this one won't go off with just a little pressure, giving him time to escape, no. This one takes the entire body of the mouse to set it off. I checked it myself.
[holds up his bandaged left thumb and laughs heartily] Peggy : You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al. An average Joe would have used a stick.

Al : We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peggy : I want the lottery.

[Al is building a new bathroom]
Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.
Al : Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.
Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?
Al : Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

Al : Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
Peggy : Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
Al : Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.
Peggy : Is that its new name?

Bud : Where's Dad?
Peggy : In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] Peggy : How was it, honey?
Al : I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy : Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
Al : No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me.
TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething".
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]

Peggy : Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.
Al : Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.
Peggy : I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Peggy : Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind.
[to Bud and Kelly] Peggy : He's not scaring you, is he, kids?
[Bud puts his hand to his ear] Bud : [with sarcasm] Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine.
Kelly : Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC JAM on LABOR DAY?
[Kelly looks at Al accusingly] Al : [trying to stay calm] Shut up.

Al : Ah, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, Peg.
[sounding very forced] Al : Yep, this is my vacation, and I'm a-having fun.
[inhales deeply] Al : I'm loving this.
Al : [There is a short pause, then Al stops smiling and starts vigorously honking the horn; with frustration] Move! Move! I can't take anymore! Oh God, you're killing me!
[honking some more] Al : Move! Move!
[Al buries his head in the wheel]

Marcy : I know why you're back. You're back... for this!
[she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee] Al : [off screen] I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes!
Steve: Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Take this to your grave!
Steve: [rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest] Take THIS to your grave!
Peggy : [off screen] WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

Steve: Actually, there's another reason why I came back.
Al : Hey, I never considered that $50 a loan, Steve.
Steve: Not that. I came to reclaim my wife.
[Al and the rest of the Bundys look at each other with worry] Peggy : Uh... Steve, I think there's something you should know...
Al : [interrupting] Peg! The man has traveled many-a-mile. Let's not keep him from the bosom of his woman, where ever it may be.

F.B.I. Man: [knocking on the Bundy's door] Open up, it's the FBI.
Steve: That could just be for me, because stealing this egg is a federal offense. Ohh, if you get any ideas, so is harboring me. If you need me I'll be in the basement.
[Steve hides in the basement as Al opens the door; the agent flashes his badge.]
F.B.I. Man: Agent Mahoney, FBI. Have you seen this man?
[shows Al the picture of Steve in a forest ranger uniform and changes it to the picture of a rare canyon hawk egg]
F.B.I. Man: Have you this egg? They're known to be in the area. Have you seen either of them?
Al : Let me tell you something, I served my country. I've played high school football, four touchdowns in a single game. Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes. Is this any way America should treat us heroes? No, you just flash that badge to some registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys, we hate Cops.

Al : Hey guys, a toast! To the working man. The last American hero. Right guys?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Right!
Al : We work to make a living, and what do we get?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Squat!
Al : And what else?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] Nothing!
Al : Then why do we go on?
Marcy Rhoades: [along with all the men] We're stupid!

Marcy Rhoades: You know what really frosts my weenie? They don't care how they look. Right guys?
Norris: Well, I can't complain. At least I live with a woman who has a job like me, makes me dinner, and doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.
Al : Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old.

TV News Anchor: And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean pygmy turtle born in captivity was unhappy, broke into the zoo aquarium, stole the turtle, and released it into Lake Michigan. Aparently, this man of nature didn't know that it was a saltwater turtle. Witnesses reported that the turtle, Bosco, tried valiantly to crawl back out of the water, only to be thrown back in by this deranged unemployed man, standing on the bank singing "Born Free". Bosco will be missed.
[a photo of a turtle with the caption: 'Bosco, 1901-1989' is shown on the TV screen]
TV News Anchor: Bail for this insane man has been set at $25,000. Not nearly enough in this reporter's opinion.
Marcy Rhoades: [looks at the $25,000 check she has] Ah, well. I guess I know what I have to do.
Al : You gonna go bail him out?
Marcy Rhoades: Let him rot. I'm gonna buy myself a new Jag.

Courtney: Hi, Mr. Bundy. Would you like to buy some chipmunk cookies?
Al : No. Go away.
Courtney: Oh come on. You can't look at cookies and not be hungry. I know your wife never cooks for you. My father told me that all you ever eat is bugs and dirt.
Al : Well, you go home and tell your father that you have the mailman's eyes.

Courtney: Come on. I know you want to buy some cookies. It's food.
Al : Oh, all right. I'll take one box of those macadamian nut cookies.
Courtney: That'll be two dollars.
Al : Wait here, I'll go write you a check.
Courtney: Cash only, Bundy!
Al : I'm a shoe salesman. I don't have any cash on me. Give me some credit.
Courtney: I've heard stories about you passing bad checks all over town. Two dollars, cash only, deadbeat!
Al : Get out of here.
Courtney: [walks away] Eat a bug!
Al : Wet a bed!

[Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree]
Jefferson: Drop dead.
Peggy : Lick feet.
Marcy : Eat dust.
Al : Grow hair.

Al : [Jefferson reaches for a box but Al stops him] That's my douche!
Jefferson: Oh yeah? Well you touched my girlie fizz.
[Al tries to grab the box]
Jefferson: Damn it, Al, now we're both men. There's enough in feminine hygene for the both of us.

Al : That's my douche.
Jefferson: Oh yeah? Well you touched my Girlie Fizz.

The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices...
The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head!
Peggy : Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store?
Al : That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.

Al : Can I have a "Whoa Bundy."?
The Bundy's: Whooooooooa Bundy.

Al : Still mad at me because I got you neutered, huh?
Buck: What? You want me to dance for joy? Bring your pipe and slippers. Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
Al : I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Buck: Yeah, right. How about poking my eyes out? Maybe that'll do it.

Al : Come on, Buck. You can't mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Hey, how about I take you for a walk? I heard they painted the fire hydrant at the end of the corner.
Buck: Nah. A lot of the "male" dogs hang out there.
Al : All right, let's clear the air here. This was for your own good.
Buck: [sarcastic] Oh, thank you master. You know my head is a great source of pleasure for me too. How about cutting it off?

Al : Oh come on, Buck. There's got to be something to cheer you up. I know! How about a shiny new collar?
Buck: [cynical] Oh, yeah! That's much better then what I had before. Gee, how about one with studs? You know to impress the ladies? That is before they find out that I'm a eunuch!

Buck: Well Bundy, I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh?
Al : Oh come on, Buck. I tried to stop this.
Buck: You might have tried a little harder.
Al : I know, why don't we do something to get your mind off it? Hey, you want to watch the Bears game?
Buck: Oh, I don't know. I'm not really into sports anymore. How about taking me to a Peter Allen concert?

Al : Oh, Buck. I didn't want this to happen.
Buck: I know you didn't, Bundy. And that what makes it even harder to swallow. Ah, what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of you! I wish you were dead!
Al : Where are you going?
Buck: Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old times' sake.
[Buck opens the front door and a blood-splattered, chainsaw-wielding figure, Leatherface, and a hockey-masked, machete-wielding figure, Jason Voorhees, enter]
Chainsaw: Hi. We're insane killers!
[Buck beckons them to come on in]
Al : Sic 'em, Buck!
Buck: Heh, heh!
[Buck exits out the front door where he closes and locks it behind him with Al inside with the two killers who advance towards him]
Al : Buck! Oh, Buck! Come back! Save me! I'll give you extra yummies! AHHHH!

Bud : Dad, I made the Dean's list!
Al : Son, I wish you could've been around when I was younger, of course I probably wouldn't have let you hang out with me. When we had one hand on the woman, and one hand on the wheel, and one hand on the stick. That's what I liked about the old days, we... had more hands!

Alexis: So, do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of High Karate?
Al : No, do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling of Mars bars?

Al : So, they tell me you girls are models for Victoria Secret.
Paulina: We are.
Alexis: We're Victoria's "big" secret.
Al : Well, Victoria couldn't keep a secret this big.
Monique: It's a new line of lingerie for the full-figured woman, 'cause you know what they say: "you're never too big to be sexy".
Al : You know who says that? Fat girls.

[a police siren is heard in the background]
Monique: Oh, no the police! What did we do?
Al : Oh, I don't know. Maybe we missed the truck scale.
[Alexis, Monique and Paulina all look at Al with resentment]
Al : But on the good side, at least they'll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond!

Monique: Sounds to me like you're full of self-hate Mr. Bundy.
Al : Well, at least I'm full.

[Al is under house arrest in his basement]
Peggy : Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit.
Al : No! No! Help Me!
Peggy : Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now!

Bud : Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.
Al : No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

Bud : Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start.
[Bud removes the wire from Al's neck]
Al : Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.
Bud : Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

Al : Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue.
Bud : This is what you call a pat on the back?
Al : No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.

Health Inspector: Mr. Bundy, you had a month to get this basement in shape.
Al : You had your whole life to get in shape and you don't see me condemning you.

Al : Kids, we're moving into the drug store down the street.
Manager: Buy something, or you'll be moving into the County Jail.
Al : OK. Peg. Checkbook.
Manager: Cash only, Bundy, and I STILL want two forms of ID.
Al : Family meeting. OK, give me all your money.
[Peg and Kids give money to Al]
Al : Eighteen cents. When I asked you for money to buy a battery for the Kaiser you said you didn't have a dime.
Peggy : No, we said we didn't give a DAMN.

[Al's wiring has blown out the neighborhood's transformer on the hottest day of the year]
Peggy : Oh, the whole neighborhood's gone dark!
Al : Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
Neighbor: Bundy did this!
Crowd: BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY!
Kelly : God, where did they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast?

[the Bundys cut Marcie in line and won a 1,000,000th customer shopping spree]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [to the check-out lady] Hey! I was the next in line!
Al : What are you complaining about? You still are.

Al : Marcy, get I get in front of you? I only need to buy a stick of gum.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Eat hot death, loser!
Al : [looks at a magazine stand] Oh, the National Enquirer. Look at this, "Steve Rhoades marries Cher."
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Where? Where?

Al : Oh miss, I think you dropped something.
Nibbles: Oh.
[bends over, showing cleavage] Nibbles: Thank you market dweller.
Kelly : Dad? Dad? Daddy.
Al : What?
Kelly : Do you want anything?
Al : Why, yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons...
[sees Marcy] Al : and a plucked chicken.
Marcy D'Arcy: I thought I smelled shoes.

Al : My country would never rule against me.
Bud : Dad, they ruled against you.
Al : Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.

Peggy : Hi, Al. I brought you lunch.
Al : Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat?
Peggy : Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club.
Al : I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, aren't you afraid that Gary will find out that you turned this into a men's shoe store?
Al : Who's Gary?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [chuckles] You know, Gary of "Gary's Shoes".
Al : Jefferson, I've worked here twenty years...
[Al stops in the mid-sentence, frowning]
Al : Twenty years? Where the hell has my life gone? But anyway, I've never even seen Gary. I don't even know if Gary exists. But you know, I've never been this happy for years. Let me sit back and revel in it.
[Al leans back in the armchair, calm and relaxed. Bud just finished talking on the phone]
Bud : Dad? It was Gary's office on the phone. Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow to take a personal look at the store.
[Al nods, suddenly doesn't look so relaxed]

[after hearing that Gary is going to come to the store, Al glued high heels and ribbons to all the men's shoes, to make them look like women's shoes. He tells Kelly to pretend that she is customer, to mislead Gary]
Al : You know, I really think we can pull this off. I mean, even if women can tell that these aren't women's shoes, Gary won't know the difference - he's a man!
[Gary enters - and turns to be a woman] Gary: Hi! I'm Gary. I own this store.
Al : [to himself] Of course.

Gary: Mr. Bundy, I have holdings all over the world. I own airlines; I own oil wells; I own men...
Al : I'm... I'm... I'm for sale.
Gary: I said MEN. Anyhow, I ALMOST made the Forbes 400 last year. I was no. 401. You know why?
Al : Because you're too beautiful to be proceed as a successful businesswoman?
Gary: That's what I thought. But no, because of this shoes store.
Al : That was my second guess.
Gary: This is my only holding I have that is never ever made me any money.

Al : [voice] Oh Lord, if I ever mean anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.
[Peggy, as if on cue, turns towards Al] Peggy : Oh, Alllllllll.
Al : [facing skyward] God, you are a woman, aren't you?

Al : Hey, Peg you're up. I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs.
Peggy : Yeah, I was tired last night. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake.
Al : Oh yeah, those damn bees. One of them must have stung you because I thought I heard you scream.

Al : Peg, you don't have that "I've been satisfied by Al Bundy" look on your face. Maybe you should go to your girly doctor. They say you should get checked out every few years or so. Put you up on a rack and check your belts and hoses.
Peggy : There is nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be taken out and driven once in a while.
Al : Well, that can't a shot at me. I'm Al Bundy the mailman. I deliver.
Peggy : But mailmen are slow and deliver every day.
Al : Yes, but they don't always go to the same house.

Al : Seriously Peg, you weren't satisfied by my performance in bed last night?
Peggy : Well, let's just say that I used to call you "the Minute Man". Now, I long for thoese days. But Marcy was very comforting. She said with you, the sooner it's over the better.
Al : You told Marcy about us?
[Marcy and Jefferson enter both giggling]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, Al. You want to throw around the football a little bit? Uh! There, we done?
Al : I think she may have told him!

Neighbor: Hey, Bundy. Have sex with your wife 50 times. We're boiling an egg to see how long it'll take! Ha, ha, ha!
Al : Hey, Doneley why not use the time to see how long it takes for your son to get himself out of dress?

Al : You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peggy : You know, that reminds me of our sexlife.
Al : That's putting something I have in something I don't like.

Kelly : Daddy, bleen is not a shampoo. It's a bunch of deadly chemicals I concocted in the university lab. It's possible that tingling you're feeling on your head could be the beginning of a massive stroke.
Al : Either way, I thank you.

Al : Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma. By marketing Bleen, we will make millions. Well... I will. But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on, bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Then it's settled. We can't sell Bleen otherwise we'll be hated across the world as much as that guy who discovered the G-spot.
Bob Rooney: Hey, who was that guy anyway?
Ike: I don't know. Kenny G?

Peggy : Al, if you're going to come in, would you shut the door?
Al : Peg, if you're going to live here, could you shut your mouth?

[Al is carrying two large bags of dog food]
Al : You know, Peg, this new dog we have is chewing a hole in our budget. Look that what you sent me to the market to buy: Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
Peggy : Actually those are for Mom.
Al : Well, why didn't you say so?
[Al throws the bags out the front door]

Al : Peg, shave your head and give me your hair. I'm taking the shot.
Peggy : Now Al, I'm sure if I can practice I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Lewis or any other of those quarterbacks.
Al : [looking skyward] Another slow day, eh, God?

Al : [heckling at a basketball game] Hey Riley, nice hair. What, you using 30-weights now? Hey Barkley! You're playing like a virgin!
Peggy : Al, you're being obnoxious!
Al : You're supposed to heckle at a game. The players love it. It shows them that you appreciate the sport.
Peggy : [heckling] Hey, baldy! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Conner get a tan?
[Xavier 'X-Man' McDaniel appears staring angrily at Peggy]
Al : [quietly to Peggy] No, that's the wrong guy to heckle, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man. He's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me!
[Xavier McDaniel runs off the court and into the stands and confronts Peggy]
Xavier McDaniel: Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.
Peggy : [points to Al] He made me say it!
Xavier McDaniel: My mistake.
[McDaniel picks up Al right out of his seat]
Peggy : Uh, you know Mr. X, I just might leave him alone. He played high school football.
Xavier McDaniel: [to Al] Didn't hear it from me. But you'll be leaving this game on a strechter!
Al : Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends? Could you help be get Shaquill O'Neal's autograph?

Al : Guess what happened in the shoe store today.
Peggy : Did a fat woman come in?
Al : Enormous.
Peggy : [sarcastic] Wow! That was a spine tingler. Much better then yesterday's "a fat woman walked passed the shoe store."
Al : Oh, I'm sorry Peg. I forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?

Al : So anyway, this fat woman comes into the shoe store and she is so big that she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So, I'm trying to force a pair of Size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she starts talking to me describing how her husband recently left her.
Bud : [sarcastic] Ah, the plot thins.
Al : Pardon me, Son. But let's see how was your day at work today! So anyway, this fat woman is explaining to me how her husband left her when she reaches into her purse, moves aside a large pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight's All-Star charity basketball game.
Bud : You mean the ones where they send overprivledged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across the Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?
Al : Sold them to me for a dollar a piece, which I didn't have... thank you Peg for picking my pocket again this morning. But I was able to take them from the mall fountain after following her out and seeing her throw them in, as well as the charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.

Al : Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?
Peggy : Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?
Al : No, just one great one.

Al : Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy... full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then one night, much like tonight, something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him: thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump-thump-thump. Then he saw it. There, in the light of a bar, stood the evil, redheaded, high-heeled spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up, he dated others, but nothing could stop it! He could hear it's wild call: "oh honey? Honey?" It was horrible. Finally... it trapped him. Opened... opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs and said, "marry me!"
Victor: And did he marry it, Danno?
Al : Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst of it is that there still some of them out there... there might be one behind that tree!
[He points, the kids yell and look]
Al : Then again... there might not be. But beware, wherever a man is free, and has change in his pockets, they'll come a creepin' and they can't be stopped. Now, sleep... if you can.

[a delirious Steve moans in pain from poison oak exposure and animal bites]
Victor: What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?
Al : He's dying, Victor.
Steve Rhoades: [sing-song] Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.
[pirate accent] Steve Rhoades: Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
[British accent] Steve Rhoades: Oh, look father, I sat in somthing icky!
Bud : Should I get a club, Dad?
Al : Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.
[gagging sound] Bud : Oh, cool, he's foaming again!

Al : Okay kids, we get out of here alive what are we going to do? Victor.
Victor: Never marry.
Al : That's right. So remember, kids, when you meet a woman, no matter how nice she is or what she looks like, remember: women get worse. They get...
Victor: Older.
Joey: Meaner.
Bud : Fatter?

[after getting lost in the woods]
Al : Don't worry, we've got a secret weapon.
Steve Rhoades: [offscreen] Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!
Victor: It's not him, is it?

Jack Franklin: You guys couldn't score with your own wives!
Al : And we're proud of that!

Al : Hey Number 56, you don't look like Morty Fishbine.
Lawrence Taylor: Well, I am you schmuck!
Al : Who would think little Morty Fishbine would grow up to look like Lawrence Taylor?
Speedy: And if that's something, Eddie Yim grew up to look like Bubba Smith.
Bubba Smith: Shut up! Don't call me that!
Al : Same old Eddie, except now he appears to be a giant black man now.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, I'd swear that's Rod Martin, Hacksaw Reynolds, and Kenny Stabler over there!
Al : Jefferson, there is nobody over there but pink punks. And what do Polk High Panthers do to pink punks?
Al's Teammates: Pulverise the powder puffs!
Al : Let's rock.

Rodent: Al, don't some of the First Ladies seem a little big to you?
Al : Well, age will do that. Look at Barbara Bush.

[looking at pink football uniforms they opposing team is wearing]
Al : Nice colors, Franklin. You all look like a box of Good and Plenty!

Jack Franklin: I think you are all a bunch of pansies!
Al : Pansies?
Jack Franklin: Pansies!
Al : Say, didn't they recently change Patton High's name to Jacqueline Onassis High?
Jack Franklin: [beat] Yeah.
Al : And isn't their football team now known as the Jackie O First Ladies?

Peggy : Hi, Al, did you have a good day?
Al : I came home. How good could it have been?

Steve Rhoades: Get lost, Al, it's the president.
Al : [Al shakes hands with bank president] I voted for you.

Al : Ah, the phone bill.
[looks it over] Al : Hey, we qualify for the gold bill!

[Al is at an employment office talking with the super-obese social worker ironically named Ms. Blaub]
Al : And now Miss... Blaub.
Ms. Blaub: "Ms." Blaub.
Al : Sorry, your name was obscured by some errand flesh. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm not going to take anything. Unlike you at a buffet I can't just grab everything that I see from this book of job offers. You know me pretty well, so do you have anything to recommend?
Ms. Blaub: Some mentose and speed stick? Assuming that you know what those are.
Al : If course I do know what they are. Mentose are breath mints and speed stick is deodorant that goes under your arms... that is if you can ever get them horizontal.

Ms. Blaub: Did you go to high school at all?
Al : I did. Polk High, class of 1966. And despite the fact that I find you fat and repulsive, I would like to tell you my glory days how I scored four touchdowns in one football game and won the very last city championship trophy that Polk High had.
Ms. Blaub: [sarcastic] Oh, what a glory it is for a former all-star who played high school football to be in a Chicago employment office.
Al : Look Blob...
Ms. Blaub: Blaub!
Al : I know your name. I was only using a descriptive term. I'm putting myself into your fat, sweaty, bloated hands. I'm not just looking for a job. I'm looking for a career. A high paying career such as a doctor or lawyer or... what do you call one of those doctors who play and fondle hooters all day?
Ms. Blaub: That would be an anesthesiologist.

Ms. Blaub: Look, Mr. Bundy, I'm a very busy woman. So why don't we find out what job career you're good for and get you the hell out of here. Do you have any kind of skills?
Al : Well, I'm naturaly inquisitive. For example, right now I'm wondering how strong that chair is you're sitting in.

Al : Peg, some good news happened to me today. I'll just get right to the point. I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine. No, I do not want your opinion. Give me my money.
Peggy : Al, what kind of selfish wife like me would give their own husband his money? It just isn't done. I haven't finished spending it all yet.
Al : Peg, don't you see that I'm really exited about something here? I want to use what's left of my retirement money to buy this shoe store by tomorrow and that way we can I can make four or five times more money then I am making right now. If you have any love or sympathy for me, you'll give me my money.
Peggy : Nope.
Al : You're doing this just to spite me and see me squirm!
Peggy : [smirks] I know.
Al : Look Peg, I'm not the one to beg, but if you really mean something to me, you'll give me my money.
[after a short pause] Al : Peg, I'm begging you... give me my money!

Al : Here, let's have a vote. Who wants me to get my money?
[everyone in the room is silent]
Al : All right, let's try this... who does not want me to get my money?
[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and even Charlene Tilton raises their hands]
Al : That hurts, Charlene. All right... I now know what I have to do.
[Al takes off his shirt revealing his muscular, untoned build]
Peggy : Oh Al, you're so cute. You're going to try to earn it by having sex with me.
Al : No, Peg. I'm going to take my pants off next, get a lawn chair, and sit in my underwear... over at your college, Bud! Telling everyone there that I'm your father!
[both Peggy and Kelly laugh at Bud who looks down with dread]
Al : And then... Kelly, I'm gonna go over to the diner where you work, sit at a counter, pull up my Haines underwear... telling everyone there that I'm your father!
[now Kelly looks down with dread with Bud as Peggy continues to laugh at both of them]
Al : And then... Peggy, I'm going to go prancing around your beauty parlor where you hang out twice a week... telling everybody there that I'm your husband! Oh, did I mention that by then I woun't be wearing any underwear?
[now Peggy looks alarmed with dread]
Al : And then... just for the heck of it, I'm gonna walk around with a big sandwich sign that says: "I've been using and Abdomatizer for two years... and this is what I look like!"
[Charlene Tilton turns away with dread along with the rest of Peggy, Kelly and Bud]
Al : Now... let's vote again. Who want's daddy to get his money?
[intimidated, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and Charlene Tilton all raise their hands]
Al : Thank you! I knew you'd all be behind me!

Bum: Excuse me, can you spare a few dollars?
Al : No, sorry, I gave at the wife.

[Al is surrounded by Ray-Ray and his gang]
Al : [voiceover] Well, this certainly sucks! Wait, this is no time to panic. You were once king of the streets. Just say what a king would say. A true king.
Al : [speaking out loud] C-can't we all get along?

Al : Have I gone yet?
Bud : No.
Al : Then give me a push.
[Kelly and Bud shove Al]
Al : Now help me up.

Jefferson: Al, have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"?
Al : No, the wife wouldn't let me.

Jefferson: What will you tell Peg?
Al : Same thing I always tell her:
[Checks to make sure Peg is not around]
Al : That what I do is none of her damn business.

Marcy : But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al : All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.

Al : You know $2,000 and The Three Stooges. For a Dead Man I'm happy.
Marcy : You know my women's group and I are going to protest against this.
Al : What, the Stooges? If you don't like them. Then how come do you keep getting your haircut like Moe?

[turns to his producer]
Director: Can they do that? Sue on behalf of the ugly. How can they win that
[the producer shrugs] Al : Four words. Attorney General Janet Reno.
[Marcy and FANG nods their heads in agreement, this upsets the director]

[Kelly has a zit]
Al : Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Kelly : Outside? But Daddy, what if somebody sees my pimple?
Al : Pumpkin, it's dark. Nobody's going to see the pimple.
Kelly : I guess you right. I guess I'm being silly, huh?
[opens door] Man from distance: Whoa. Look at the zits on the blonde chick.
Kelly : Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Marcy : [to the director] This should make a multi-million dollar lawsuit. I'm Marcy D'Arcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Aesthetically Challenged.
Al : Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled, and left for dead!
[a large, burly, androgynous woman, Lola, approaches Al and grabs him by his collar and literally lifts him off the floor with one hand]
Lola: You mind repeating that?
Al : [intimidated tone] As a matter of fact... I do.

[after finishing a misogynist speech in Hyde Park's Speakers' Corner]
Al : Oh, by the way, am I alone here in hating the French?
Entire Crowd: NO!
Al : I thought not.

Bud : [in England] Hey look, a McDonald's.
Al : Peg, quick, get the camera.

Bud : Dad, it's an airport.
Al : Yep, only this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas.

[in Hyde Park's Speakers' Corner]
Al : I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?' then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, 'cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a 'Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?'

Griff: Al, if I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and...
Al : Tell her that you love her?
Griff: No. Tell her she's a bitch!

Griff: Well Al, I think it's time we hit the hay.
Al : Go to sleep? It's only nine o'clock. What are you? Old?
Griff: Yeah.
Al : [beat] Me too.

Griff: Oww! This bunk mattress is hard, and this pillow is all lumpy.
Al : At least it doesn't have red hair and begs for sex.

Drill Instructor: Am I disturbing you, private?
Al : It's Al Bundy.
Drill Instructor: Al Bundy, "sir"!
Al : Well... nobody's called me sir in a long, long time.
Drill Instructor: [shouting] How about moron? They've called you that haven't they?
Al : Sir, yes, sir!
Drill Instructor: Al Bundy, ladies shoe salesman. Well, High Heels, you're in the reserve now. You're not in some candy-ass mall.
Al : You haven't seen my customers. Every day it's the battle of the bulge, sir!
Drill Instructor: Drop and give me 50, mall scum!
Al : I don't have a 50-dollar bill. All I got is this five.

Kelly : Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?
Al : Well, now kids, come here. I never thought I'd be having this conversation, because frankly I didn't think I'd still be alive on this, my 40,000th anniversary... but it's time we all face facts: Buck's getting old.
Kelly : Is he gonna die?
Al : [looking at the bill] Yes.

Jefferson: Diamond necklace?
Al : All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife. See, first I take her to Denny's. She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp, she lists to one side. And just before she's ready to belch "I love you," I lay this on her. Between the combination of shrimp, necklace - and the Nike wall mickey I'll be slipping in her piña colada - she'll be unconscious, I'll be home watching midget wrestling, and the only hand down my pants will be my own.

Peggy : I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad, and believe me, I am leaving no stone unturned.
Al : Where are you?
Peggy : Well I just left Tiffany's. You wouldn't believe how big some of their stones are.
Al : You should see some of mine. I just felt a big one leave my kidneys and head for my urinary tract.

Peggy : Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go.
[Drives off in a limousine] Al : [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.
Bud : Mom is gone?
Al : Yeah.
Bud : Was it something I did?
Al : I don't know. Maybe.

Bud : Parents love their children no matter what they do.
Al : Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will.
Kelly : NO, DAD. NO.

Al : Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love.
Jefferson: No, that's Philadelphia.
Al : Well, what's Washington?
Officer Dan: A team without a quarterback.

Jefferson: Don't you wanna call home and make sure Peg and the kids are okay?
Al : Relax, Jefferson, nothing is going to happen.
News Reporter: Late word today from Chicago where a simple house party has spread like a virus. It is described as a Woodstock without the music.
[the channel is changed] Sexy Woman: Oh Santa, I've been very, very bad.

Al : [Is lying about going ice fishing when his friends are all wearing different outfits] So you see, Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait, Griff has to ski it down to the lake where Ike has set up camp. And Bob Rooney scuba dives it into the lake to see which fish are the hungriest, telling Officer Dan so he in turn can smoke signal the information back to me so I can ice fish with utmost confidence.
Peggy : Of course. Have a nice time, Boys. Catch a big one, Al.
Al : Oh I already have, Peg.

[Al is waiting eagerly for a cheesecake from a Wisconsin restaurant. The doorbell rings, and he opens it to Steve and Marcy]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [exhales] Well, we're back...
Jefferson D'Arcy: [exhales] We got it, you wouldn't believe the trouble...
[Al has already grabbed the cheesecake and shut the door on them. As he goes to the table, they storm in]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Do you know what hell we went through to get you that cheesecake? We had to make a two-day trek through the backwoods of Wisconsin's cheese country! Living off cheese wine... nibbling on cheese bread... having to make cheap cheese love... and we almost got lost a thousand times!
Al : Well, that's why I sent Peg with you as a guide.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, thanks so much for sending your wife on our honeymoon. Without her playing pinochle with us every night, we don't know what we would have done.

[Al takes his first bite of the cheesecake... and spits it out]
Al : This is a horrible hoax! This isn't an authentic Chuck's Cheesebowl cherry cheesecake! You went to the wrong place!
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I don't think there are a lot of Chuck's Cheesebowl's in Tunoose, Wisconsin... just a "belch and a holler!" from Wanker County. Where we met so many nice people who said wise things like, "I gots my own teeth!"
Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, and, uh, "I'll trade you my sister for your Bic lighter."
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh yes, we had such a nice time. We must show you the slides of me getting fondled at the gas station by something that was half-man, half-owl.
Kelly : Dad, they met Cousin Hooty!

[Al opens the cheesecake box. Bud and Kelly immediately cover their noses]
Kelly : Yow! Ooh...
Bud : Geez, there must be a dead man in there!
Al : [inhaling] Ah boy, you know, there's no mistaking real cheese. And you know, Pumpkin, they aged this cheese six months.
Kelly : Where? In the belly of a bear?

Al's Dad: How are you going to pay for this piece of junk?
Al : I got a job at that new lady's shoe store.
Al's Dad: You're going to sell lady's shoes? What are you, some kind of fruit?
Al : It's just for the summer.

[in a flashback to the late 1960s, a teenage Al and Peggy have just has sex in Al's Dodge at a drive-in theater]
Peggy : Wow, Al. You were great! You're better and last longer then the whole football team combined. Uh... not that I speak from experience. But you scored four touchdowns today. Four in one game. That's never been done before! You single handingly won Polk High's Championship Football game.
Al : Oh, Peg, it's no big deal. I mean, it's not like it's going to be the highlight of my life or anything.

[a flashback to 1974 shows a three-year-old Kelly riding in the back seat of the Dodge with infant Bud in a childs seat with Al and Peggy in the front seats]
Young Kelly : Eww! Mommy, Daddy, Bud's touching himself!
Peggy : She's right, Al.
Al : Let him be, Kelly. That's just a phase he's going through. He'll grow out of it.

Peggy : [in 1974 flashback] Al, you shouldn't ignore Kelly. I was watching Phil Donahue yesterday and he said that if a father ignores his daughter, she could develop an abnormal craving for male attention.
Al : Phil Donahue is full of crap! He doesn't know what things a family thinks or goes through.
Peggy : Al, look out!
[Al swerves his car and hit another car off-screen]
Al : Damn Japanese cars! They'll never catch on.

Al : The job has already been filled by someone far more qualified.
Heidi: Mr. Bundy, where it says "Date", do you want his name or where we went?
Al : That's Heidi. She's dumb as toast, but I'd kill for her. And I'd start with you.

Heidi: Mr. Bundy, where is says "Name", do you want mine?
Al : Uh no, just a simple naked photo will do.

[Al comes home from work and sits beside Peggy sitting on the living room couch watching TV as usual]
Al : Hi, Peg.
[to the TV set] Al : Hi, Oprah.
Al : Peg, I made a mistake. Before I left for work today, I used to think that all women were totally useless. Now I realize that it's just you. I used to think that all men were loses, destined to marry the worst possible mate. Now I realize that it's just me.
Peggy : Huh? Oh, sorry Al. I didn't here you come in. I was watching Oprah.
Al : That's okay, Peg. I was talking to Oprah. Anyway, I'm trying to say that I was wrong about other women as well as my co-worker, Aaron, wanting to get married. If he wants to get married, I will support him in that aspect. With his supportive wife, I'll live my life through him. I'll live his sports life through him. I'll live his daily routine through him. I'll even live his sex life through him.
Peggy : Huh? Oh, sorry Al. I didn't here you come in. I was watching Oprah.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Can you please tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al : Pretty women makes us BUY beer. Ugly women makes us DRINK beer.

Jefferson: Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".
Bob Rooney: [a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.
Griff: I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?
Ike: What? That was an olive, right?
Al : Sure, with an eyelid.

Al : [drunk] Hey, Jefferson... I got a bad feeling.
Jefferson: [also drunk] Al, you drank about 40 beers. It's a wonder you can feel anything at all.
Al : No, I could have sworn that I was supposed to do something at nine o'clock. Uh... what time is it now?
Jefferson: [looks at his wristwatch] It's 10:15.
Al : Oh... well, whatever it is that I'm supposed to do... I guess I already did it.

Bob Rooney: [drunk] Al... I don't want to box anymore. Let's dance!
Al : [more drunk] When you were dancing, you wanted to box.
Bob Rooney: Yeah... but, when I was dancing, I didn't get to lead.

[Al arrives home from the hospital after his accidental circumcision]
Al : Just a small word of warning: anybody who says "what's up", does down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
Peggy : Then again, I've been asking for years.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, how ya feelin' Al?
[Al grumbles] Jefferson D'Arcy: Cranky, huh old buddy? Yeah, I kind of know how you feel. I had to get circumcised myself once.
Al : [curious tone] How'd you deal with the pain?
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't remember. I was only one day old.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.
[reads from the card]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lopotomay. And P.S...
[Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits]
Al : [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Kelly and Bud as they walk out] Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?

Al : [hands Kelly his car keys, to fetch his forgotten wallet] Oh, and Kelly...?
Kelly : [rolls eyes] I know, I'll be careful.
Al : Nah, I don't care about that. Just don't change my radio station.

Al : [pulling an inheritance check out of its envelope, slowly] I see a seven... I see a three... I see a two...
Bud : [excitedly] What do you see now, Dad?!
Al : [rolling eyes] I see a check for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars.
Bud : [disappointed] I buffed this man's carbuncles for two hundred and thirty-seven dollars?!

Al : Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.
[starts to leave] Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, Al, I couldn't possibly accept anything from you. Instead, let me give you something... ten fingers of death!
[throttles him] Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!
[Jefferson pulls her off] Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: And I have breasts, damn it!

Al : Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday for me...
[sniffs] Al : Wait a minute, what's that?
[to Kelly] Al : Open your mouth!
[she does, he looks] Al : That's an M&M!
[realizes] Al : Oh God, your family's coming! How long do I have?
[doorbell rings] Al : Great Caesar's ghost, they're here! Have you made the preparation?
Peggy : Of course.
Al : What about the dog?
Peggy : He's ready.
[shot of Buck, wearing a large sign around his neck: "I AM NOT FOR EATING."]

Zemus: [from outside] Open up, we know you're in there!
[Al rolls up a set of magazines and newspapers]
Al : Here everybody take one of these. If they move on you, smack 'em on the nose and say "no!"

Al : Yes, A Family Barbecue.
[holding out a hand] Al : Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here?
[no response] Al : ...Eh?
[Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away] Al : ...No one? Fine.
Peggy : Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want.
Al : Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See, this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all the people who don't...
[referring to his family] Al : ...get to live longer and have more than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
Peggy : Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.

Peggy : Which brings us to a little promise you made, just last spring.
Al : Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years, now can't we just be friends?
Peggy : No. I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you!

Steve: Thank you, Al, we'll be glad to come. What can we bring?
Al : Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, good food, and good friends.
[reality dawns on Al] Al : Oh, God. What a charade.
[Al breaks down crying]

Griff: Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man.
Al : I wouldn't have a problem if BUD dated a weathy older man. Anybody but Gary.

Peggy : Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find someone desperate.
Al : [referring to his boss, Gary] When I said aim low, I didn't think he'd excabate the Tar PITS!

Al : I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy.
Peggy : Yeah, well, what about me?
Al : Don't be selfish, Peg.

Al : And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go together like?
Peggy : How the hell should I know?

Al : My God, she has you running like a Frenchman through a thunderstorm!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Come on, Al. You think I'm afraid of Marcy? I'm the man in this marriage and I can do anything I want. Just last month, I stopped payment on the storage locker that Marcy has a lease on downtown, took the money and went to the horse race track to gamble it all away. Now, does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?
Al : What do you think Marcy is gonna do when she finds out? The storage locker company terminates your lease and sells all your items when they don't get paid.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'm a con man, a thief and a gigilo. Marcy will never find out. She never goes down there.
Marcy D'Arcy: [walks up to the guys] Jefferson, can I borrow the keys to the storage unit?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [whispering to Al] Watch me con my way out of this one.
[to Marcy, feining ignorance] Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh... what storage unit?
Marcy D'Arcy: Storage unit Number 319 where I keep my precious and irreplacable baby furniture. Can I have the keys? I want to show Peggy some of it.
Al : [smirks; whispering to Jefferson] Good night, sweet prince.
[Al backs away as Jefferson is clearly getting nervous] Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson? The keys.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] Uh... Marcy, did I ever tell you that I love you? You are the most precious thing in my life.
Marcy D'Arcy: [suspicious] What did you do to my precious and irreplaceable baby furniture that mean more to me than ten of you?

[as Jefferson is sheepshily explaining to Marcy about terminating the lease she has on a storage locker to squander the rent money, Al and Peggy are exited watching what's going on from their living room couch]
Al : [giddy] Oh, boy! I think she's gonna beat him up again!
Peggy : [more giddy] And you didn't want them to come over!
Al : I was wrong!
Marcy D'Arcy: [shouting to Jefferson] WHAT? You let them auction off all my baby furniture? My memories? My life?
Al : [to Peggy] And there's the wind up... and the pitch...
[Jefferson is flug through the air from a huge punch and lands on the floor behind the couch]
Al : And it's out of the park!
Marcy D'Arcy: [to Jefferson] Now, I am going out and get all my baby furniture back. I want to you remain on that floor and think about what you did. Now, Peggy and I will go to the storage company and get a list of all those people who bought my items at that auction and we will get them back.
Peggy : Me? Why do I have to go with you?
Marcy D'Arcy: Because when I get back, I want to strip every ounce of manhood this guy has on him, and you are the only person who can show me how.
Peggy : [walks out with Marcy] No problem! I did this exact same thing to Al. Right after we were married, I stopped doing many things for him such as help him wash his own hair, and stop making him lunch for work.

Al : Well, it just so happens that I returned that book years ago.
Miss DeGroot: I'd remember if you did.
Al : You weren't here.
Miss DeGroot: I'm always here.
Al : Not that day. I believe that was the day of the big cake heist. You were rounded up for questioning.

Miss DeGroot: You know, Mr. Bundy, I've worked at this library for 44 years. I was eligible for retirement 3 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?
Al : You learned to eat books?

Miss DeGroot: You could have made something of your life... I suppose. But you never followed through. That's always been your problem. Like I always told you: make a promise, keep a promise. And maybe if you did that just once you'd be a winner.
Al : Thank you, Miss DeGroot. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start keeping promises right now.
Miss DeGroot: You won't!
Al : Yes, I will.
[Al takes her sugar bowl and leaves]

[in a movie theater]
Al : I just complained to the manager about the lack of hooters in this film.

[after beating up Kelly's two-timing boyfriend]
Al : That's why cable will never replace the movie-going experience.

Al : That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters, a bunch of guys were killed, had no story at all.
[wipes away a tear] Al : It had... it had everything.

Al : Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bud : Luscious hooters?
Al : No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no.

Al : Walter Traugett came into the shoe store today and told me you were a spy. He offered me $50,000 if I turned you in over to him.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Did you? Did you tell him who I was? Where I was living?
Al : Do I look like I'm in Rio without the wife and kids? Then again, there is always a plane leaving at six if you'd care to level with me.

Walter Traugott: I have something to discuss with you of a personal nature.
Al : No problem. Your secret is safe with me Mr. Traugott. I'll lock the door, close the blinds, and you can try on anything you'd like. And, for a couple of season tickets I'll call a friend at Victoria Secret and you can coordinate.

Jefferson: You're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy.
Al : And if you put an N where the D is, I'm a bunny. What's your point?

Al : So pardon me if I don't cry for you, Argentina! But I sell women's shoes, and I'm married!
Spare Tire Dixon: Oh, yeah?
[takes out his wallet] Spare Tire Dixon: Well, I'll bet your mother-in-law doesn't look like this.
[He shows a photo to Al, who gasps and recoils, then recovers and takes out his own wallet]
Al : No, my mother-in-law looks like this.
Spare Tire Dixon: [sees the photo] Okay, okay!

Spare Tire Dixon: [panting] Nice run, Bundy.
Al : [panting] Nice... nice hit, Spare Tire.
Spare Tire Dixon: We were two pretty good athletes back then, weren't we?
Al : Hey, we're still great athletes!
[pause] Al : I'm hurt real bad, you know.
Spare Tire Dixon: Me, too.
Al : I can't get up.
Spare Tire Dixon: Me neither.
Al : Sleepy-time now?
Spare Tire Dixon: Oh, yes.
[They both pass out on the floor]

Al : There were the final two players, yours truly, and a player from Andrew Johnson High named Spare Tire Dixon. You know why he had that nickname Spare Tire?
Bud : Why? Because he was fat?
Al : No, because he wore an actual sized one in a gold chain around his neck.

Al : You know that new aerobics center above me? The one with the sign "quarter ton discount"? Well, today they played Van Halen's 'Jump'. And damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful. The ceiling broke open, and down they came, blocking out the sun. I experienced cellulite winter. God, the "humongity". Peg, I could have been killed.
Peggy : Well, I think you got what you deserved, going by that place every morning yelling, "is that a Milky Way on the floor?"

Bud : What are we going to tell Mom where were all night?
Al : Well, son, you're a man know. When your mother asks you where you were, you do what your supposed to do. You look her right in the eye and tell her were were stuck in traffic.

[Amber walks out the front door and passes Al, who's coming in]
Al : Cute girl. What happened? Wrong house?

Bud : I know what I did was wrong and I should be punished.
Al : Yes you should. But how?
Kelly : I say we put him in a sack and drop him off the Sears Tower.
Al : Where the hell am I going to get a sack?

Bud : I'm sorry about that, Dad. I just haven't slept much 'cause I'm studying for a scholarship. The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford. You have heard of Oxford?
Al : Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years.

Bud : [after Amber slips upstairs and gives Bud a seductive look] Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That would kill me.
Al : [after short pause] You go to your room. For one week.
Bud : You're a cruel, but fair man. [runs]

Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.
Al : Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.

Al : That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy; there was a fixin' man.
Bud : You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al : Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook; he didn't call anybody!
Peggy : It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al : One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Peggy : Who is loved more than all babies that came before him. Now, since we have limited space, I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed.
Al : I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.
[he sits down, then stands back up] Al : Hail baby.

Al : I got Rick Cool himself.
Bud : Oh, Rick Cool, huh? Did Bobby "23 Skiddoo" quit?

Peggy : Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.
Al : He said "The colors. The colors. Has anybody seen my good friend John?" Then he lit up a banana and then he hung up.

Seven: What's the difference between men and and women?
Al : One works... and the other is a woman.
Seven: So, Mrs. D'Arcy is a man?
Al : [smiles] Yes!
Seven: Then, Mr. D'Arcy is a woman?
Al : Yes!
Seven: No wonder you sell shoes for a living.
Al : [beat] Yes.

Al : I don't smell no food. If you expect me to pleasure you, I need what Robert Mitchum needs.
Peggy : A jowl tightening?
Al : No. Beef. Let's have it, baby.
Peggy : Al, do you know I cooked four hours for that five minutes of sex we had? It just isn't worth it.

[Al is on trial for assault]
Kelly : Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts!
Al : Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!

Al : Oh hello, Officer, did you mistake our house for a donut shop?
Officer Dan: Obviously not. There's only one of me.

Al : [singing after receiving bills] Man, we're broke, cha, cha, cha; Everybody flat broke, cha, cha, cha; Living in the gutter, Cha, cha, cha.
[pointing to Peggy] Al : Early grave, cha, cha, cha. Alright everybody, shoot me.

Al : [talking to Kelly on her car phone after she gets fired from the TV station] Hi, Pumpkin. No, I'm not mad. Of course you can keep the car.
[to Peg and Bud] Al : She really is an idiot!

Bud : Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.
Al : Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!

Customer #1: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated out of high school.
Al : These are sevens. The box says nine because well lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
Customer #1: You're very fresh.
Al : I'm sorry ma'am, but that's impossible. For the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your feet into a shoe. When I've should've eased them into the box. So you see I'm anything but fresh. And by the way you might want to tell John Henry over there to give those $100 pumps a rest.
Customer #1: But your ad said "courteous service".
Al : But that isn't my ad. That's the former owners. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size nine blow up in his face.
Customer #1: Come on Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al : You've already got one.

Al : Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al : Yes, Ma'am.

Marcy : I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
Al : You gonna neuter him too?

Al : You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?
[sits on the couch next to Steve]
Al : It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
[Al laughs] Al : But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?

Gary: I did not amass my considerable personal fortune by giving up. I am determined to turn this place around, and I'll tell you why. Years ago, in my first business venture, I went what I thought was the sure thing. But it turned out that my partner was a little shyster. I lost my shirt!
Griff: You still had a bra on underneath?
Al : Griff, shut up!
Gary: From that day forward, I vowed two things: one that I would never again have another failing business venture. And two: that I would exact my revenge on the guy that ripped me off.
Griff: What kind of business was it?
Gary: The Larry Storch School of Heating and Air Conditioning Repair.
[Larry Storch enters] Larry Storch: Larry Storch is in the house!
Al : Hit the deck!

[Gary is counting the money in the cash register at the shoe store]
Gary: So, this is really todays take?
Griff: Actually that's yesterdays take. We were gonna bring it to the bank but they have a 50 cent minimum deposit.
Al : Luckily, we haven't taken out our commission yet.
[Gary angrily glares at both of them]

[Al and Griff are dressed as werewolves during a Midnight Madness sale at the shoe store]
Griff: Tell me again what werewolves have to do with selling shoes.
Al : Again? All right, think this: wolves... night... moon... shoes.
Griff: Huh?
Al : You see wolves are nocturnal. They hunt at night. Hence, wolves... night...
Griff: Yeah, yeah... moon... shoes.

Pete: You Al Bundy?
Al : Yes, hold the applause. What do you want?
Pete: I just think you oughta know, that your wife has been seeing my husband.

[Pete has just told Al that his "husband" is seeing Peggy]
Al : Let me get this straight - pardon the expression...

Al : What's that bed for?
Director: Come now, Mr. Bundy, you're a married man.
Al : Yeah... So what's that bed for?

[Al comes home from work]
Al : All right that's it, I've had it. I'm sick of coming home, seeing you holding down the couch, watching Oprah, and stuffing your face full of bon-bons. Now, you either get your lazy ass into the kitchen and cook me a meal, or get out.
[Jefferson is sitting on the couch in place of Peggy]
Jefferson: Come on, Al. Marcy won't take me back until I have a job. If you kick me out too, where will I go?
Al : Don't know, don't care.

Al : Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet.
Kelly : That's not me, Dad.
Bud : That's the picture that came with the wallet.
Al : Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic.
Kelly : She's Chinese, Dad!
Al : That's what I was hoping you would be!
Kelly : Oh, Daddy... I'm sorry I'm not Chinese.
Al : Oh, sweetheart, that all right, now.

[Kelly is having her period during the Bundy's vacation]
Al : Peg?
Peggy : Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al : What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud : Squeaked through another month, eh, Kel?

Bud : Hey Dad, can I order the geek around?
Al : [Putting an arm around Peg] No, marry your own.

Peggy : I just got off the phone with Mom. She sounded really down because she stepped on a scale today and it read 380 lbs. Can you believe it? 380 pounds. She used to weigh 374 when she was in school and she's afraid she may be getting fat.
Al : Well, Peg that's probably because she's got about six pounds of food stuck between her teeth.

Al : We're going for a drive.
Kelly : In the Dodge? Aaaaahh.
Al : Just for that, you ride in the back with your mother.

Peggy : Al, I just saw Elvis!
Al : Elvis who?
Peggy : Elvis Presley! The King! The Pelvis! He just walked by here asking me where the mall pharmacy was, and I pointed it out to him. He's been spotted all over the country and I think I just saw him.
Al : Peg, let me explain three things to you. Number one: Elvis is dead. Number two: Elvis was never good when he was alive. And number three: if Elvis was alive, he'd want you to clean my shirts!

Margo: They don't fit! None of these shoes fit! Your ad says "we fit every foot."
Al : Yes, ma'am, but our problem is not what Webster meant by feet. Lets face it ladies, these are giant rib roasts with toenails. Might I suggest putting your footsies on large plates and surrounding them with those little brown baked potatoes wrapped in aluminum foil along with a glass of dry red wine.

[Al tests out his new glasses]
Al : [looking at cover of "TV Guide"] Ahhh, there he is bright as day - Raymond Burr.
Kelly : It's Delta Burke, Daddy.
Al : Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, city of Seattle. What's the difference?

[Al needs glasses, but chickens out at store]
Al : I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
Bud : Relax, dad. Lots of cool people wear glasses.
Nerdy Salesman: I'm Wally. Please don't want me. I'm married.
Kelly : Good, then there's hope for my brother.

[Al has just come home]
Al : As God is my witness, I will never drive anyone else in the family any place ever again. All I get from you are complaints. You kids must be nuts, I didn't think that was scary.
[Bud and Kelly walks in the door with their hair messed up]
Bud : Get some glasses, dad!
Al : For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. You can ask anyone.
Kelly : Fine, Buck.
[Buck the briard comes in with his fur messed up too]
Al : I'm telling you I don't need Glasses. My vision was checked in the fourth grade and it's perfect.

Shirley: Aren't you open?
Al : Sorry ma'am but unlike your mouth we occasionally close.
Shirley: I want my money back, these shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.
Griff: Well you see ma'am this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.
Al : Where as you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
Shirley: You haven't heard the last of this, what goes around comes around.
Al : Well considering your orbit looks like I have but ten more years.

Shirley: [rips coupon] That's it!
Peggy : Hey, that's our dinner coupons. You fat cow.
[Shirley and the fat women are insulted]
Gwen: No. No. No. We don't like to be called FAT!
Peggy : Then stay HOME!
Al : [laughing] You go, girl! [high-fives Peggy]

Matilda: [flashback] I don't understand it. I was a size six before aerobics class. All the jumping must've expanded my foot.
Al : And I see you must've fallen on your but a time or two.
Matilda: How dare you say that to my face?
Al : Well I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas.
[flashback ends and Shirley doesn't look impressed by Al's fat insults]
Shirley: What do you say to that, Bundy?
Al : Well I'd say I used heroic restraint much like the witness' girdle.

[instead of admitting he's a shoe salesman, Peg wants Al to lie at their high school reunion]
Fellow Classmate: And what are you doing nowadays, Al?
Al : Ummm... garbage salesman.

Al : [holding up an egg] This is your brains. This is your brain on marriage.
[slams the egg on the floor] Al : Any questions?

Al : Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Jefferson: Madam Inga has called up all the dark forces of Sweden against you.
Al : What's going to happen? I wake up one morning owning a Volvo? Spend the rest of my life as a skier? Or worse, wake up one morning next to a tall Nordic beauty with big honkers?
[sarcastically] Al : OH, NO!

[the Bundys have been turned into chimpanzees]
Peggy : Well, Al, once again you've enriched our lives. Thank your father, kids.
Kelly Bundy, Bud : Thanks, Dad!
Al : Hey, we sent Inga all our money, and the curse should be lifted soon, if indeed there is such a thing as a curse!
Bud : Dad, what if she never got the money?
Al : Buck has never let us down before, he won't let us down now.
[Buck enters, having been transformed into a man]
Al : How you doing, Buck? Did you send the money, boy?
Buck the Man: Well, I had to use it for bail. No one bothered to tell me that when humans meet a girl, it's considered impolite to sniff her butt.
Al : Damn dog.
Peggy : Well, I guess we're monkeys.
Al : [sarcastic] Yeah, big difference.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: I hate men!
Al : I thought you were man's best friend.
[Marcy glares angrily at Al] Al : Oh, I'm sorry. That's a dog. You're a chicken.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Shut up, you ham-hog!

[Al dials a phone number to his credit card company]
Al : Al Bundy here. Yeah, 'No Tip' Bundy. Now look, it seems you people made a little mistake. Now, I ordered a pizza and it seems my credit card was... what? No, I did not charge $5,000 in the last 10 minutes.
[pause] Al : I see. And just exactly where did my wife spend this alleged five grand? Thank you very much.
[Al hangs up the phone] Al : Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat. Because we're going to Vegas!

Pizza Boy: That will be $20 for the pizza plus tip.
Al : Yeah well here's a tip.
[runs the pizza boy's head into the door frame] Al : Doors hurt.

Steve: Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything.
Al : Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife. What the heck, there's always next month.

Peggy : I bought a new dress. How does it look?
Al : I don't know, Peg, I'd have to see it without you in it.

Peggy : Good luck is a-comin'.
Al : Does it say anything like: the wife is a-leavin'?

Bud : Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.
[he takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs]
Peggy : Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.
Al : No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours.

Al : [Peg has beaten up a mugger] Jefferson, this can't continue! Everyone will think I'm a nerd!
Jefferson: Technically, Al; you're not smart enought to be a nerd. You're more a pantywaister or a limp-wristed sissy boy.

Kelly : [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice] Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out.
Al : Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it?
Kelly : No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me.
Bud : A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you.

Peggy : [Peg has gone to the restroom at a sleazy bar] Al; why does it say on the wall 'For a good time' call our house?
Al : I don't know, Peg. I've never had a good time there.

[Jefferson has just fallen though a crack in the shoe store wall into a back room]
Al : Jefferson! Are you okay?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oww, I think I got a little whiplash.
Al : I don't have any insurance.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh... well I don't have whiplash.

Jefferson D'Arcy: You wanna come over and see my new ivory-laced pool table?
Al : No, not tonight. I'm looking forward to a great night of sex.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I though Peggy was out of town.
Al : That's what makes it so good.

Jefferson D'Arcy: Look what I found behind this wall. Crates!
Al : I'll bet it could be Al Capone's treasure.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Why would Al Capone hide his treasure behind the wall of a woman's shoe store?
Al : I don't know. Maybe he was dating a disgused J. Edgar Hoover at the time.

Al : Jefferson, you asked me to remind you when it's six o'clock so you can leave before Marcy gets home.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Sure, Al. When is it?
Al : It was about a half-hour ago.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [throwing off a lap dancer sitting on his lap] Oh, no! I've got to get home!
Lap Dancer: I was about to take you there.

Al : Jefferson, we are all taking you out today to celebrate your wedding anniversary since you don't work.
Jefferson D'Arcy: So, how come you guys are not at work?
Al Bundy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike: We're sick.
Officer Dan: Except for me. I'm working.
Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, report to city hall. The mayor has been taken hostage by a group of...
Officer Dan: [turns off his radio] Blah, blah, blah, shut up!

Al : [Attempting to persuade Jefferson to accompany NO MA'AM to the Jiggly Room on the D'Arcys' anniversary] Come on, Jefferson! It's just us, some liquor, and some Mexican strippers! What could happen?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, ya put it that way, OK!

Peggy : So where's my anniversary gift?
Al : Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it.
[Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside]
Al : Happy anniversary.
Peggy : A can of motor oil?
Al : 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

[Al is on the phone impersonating a rapper]
Al : Yo! Rap Channel, you take requests? I'd like you to play the following videos: 'Rump Shaker', 'Gangster Booty', and 'Put Some More Ass on that Lass'. My age? Uh... I'm 15. Oh. Under 18 you need parental approval? No problem. My old lady's right here. She'll aprove.
[to Peggy in his normal voice]
Al : Peg, the Rap Channel woun't play my favorite videos unless I get parental approval. Pretend you're my mother. Just tell them it's okay.
Peggy : [into the phone] It's okay. He's over 40.
[Al takes the phone away from Peggy and hangs up]
Al : Peg, I was having fun! Why'd you have to ruin it by telling them my real age?
Peggy : Oh, please! They already knew your real age. I was telling them your I.Q.

Al : It doesn't work anymore, Peg.
Peggy : What doesn't work anymore?
Al : It.
Peggy : How can you tell?
Al : I've been reading Playboy, Penthouse, Juggs, Hustler, Big 'Uns, Little 'Uns, Round 'Uns, I Between 'Uns. Nothing. Then I remembered something. It hasn't worked since I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank. She killed it. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.
Peggy : Well, I suppose we could just say a little prayer and go on with our lives.
Al : That's good for me, but what will you do?
Peggy : Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just keep going... and going... and going... and going...

Dr. Angela: [voice over the radio] We're back with 'Dr. Angela's Loser Line' helping all those in need of help. Let's take our next caller. Go ahead, you're on the air.
Al : [voice] Dr. Angela? Hi. My name is... uh... Sal Undy. And I'm having a little... uble tray with my enis pay.

Captain: Get with the program Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
Al : Marry a redhead.

Peggy : What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al : Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Bud : Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.
Al : Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!

Al : Before I get to the main event, I would like to start this auction with a genuine photograph of the Loch Ness monster.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [looks at the photo] God, Al, that's horrific. What exactly is that?
Al : A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't see a bathtub in there.
Al : Trust me Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.
Star Disher: [looks at the photo] That's not the Loch Ness monster. He's not that big.

Al : Jefferson, would you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
[two bussom blond ladies enter]
Al : Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
Helga: Willkimen! We are your Swedish masseuses. I'm Helga.
Inga: I'm Inga.
Al : [leering] And I'm Alga.
Jefferson D'Arcy: And I'm gaga.
Inga: May we carry your bags in for you?
Al : Jefferson, we died and went to the land of milk and... honeys!

Randolph: Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy? I'm Randolph the innkeeper. I've been trying to get ahold of you. I want to tell you that there's been a slight change in your cabin assignments.
Jefferson D'Arcy: What's the change?
Randolph: You don't have one.
Al : That's okay. We'll just bunk in with Helga and Inga.
Helga: Ja, sure.
Randolph: Helga, Inga, you're late for topless happy hour.
[Helga and Inga exit] Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Randolph] Hey, you can't just bump us out of here. We made our reservation for this place over a year ago. Here's the paperwork with our confirmation number.
Randolph: [takes the paper from Jefferson and tears it in two; rude tone] So you did.
Al : Hey, why'd you do that? What's your problem?
Randolph: Let me explain something. You're nobodies and you have a reservation. Shannon Tweed is a famous actress and she doesn't have a reservation. Explanation over, now get off my property.

Al : Uh, excuse me. I'm spending the night with a supermodel. Are these all the condoms you have?
Secretary: Of course not. I have more in back. Right next to the reality pills.

[Al has a bruse on his face from being punched earlier in the previous episode]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, Al that's a beaut.
Griff: I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife that she was starting to look like Al Roker.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, it look's like Marcy was right. She said that it was only a matter of time before some young woman beat the holy hell out of you.
Al : I'll have you know that I got this black eye last night, explaining to a jealous boyfriend how his little lady would rather stay with me.
Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, where is she?
Al : I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry when she bounces. So, you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, but he's doing wheelies in it, baby!
[Jefferson exits] Griff: Is it true. Al? About the girl?
Al : Every word of it. Except that the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him, and now there's an odor coming from that waterbed that scares even me!

Griff: Are things really that bad?
Al : Yes, things are that bad. Married men, whether separated or divorced, can never go back to being single. See, there's this gene, it's called the single gene. It's in us when we're born. But as soon as we marry, it mysterously disappears. Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed chromosone by chromosone by our wives.
Griff: And how would they go about this?
Al : Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?
Griff: So, Al, if they don't like us being single, why do they keep kicking us out of the house?
Al : That's part of their cruel tricks. See, without the single gene, we're helpless. We just wonder around smelling of Rogaine and gin, until finally we fall off our toilets and die.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Go home!
Al : I'd like to, but my living room is full of women, men and your cousin.

[Al opens his front door and sees Marcy's identical cousin, Mandy]
Al : Hey Peg, look here. The fifth Beatle.
Mandy: [husky voice] I'm not Marcy. I'm Mandy, Marcy's cousin.
Peggy : Wow, you and Marcy really do look alike.
Mandy: You think so? I know I'm no supermodel, but I never really thought I looked like a chicken.
Al : [laughs] I like her. You're all right, Mandy.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Remember the story, "The Bundyville Horror"? This is the place. THESE are the people.
Al : And this is the church, and this is the steeple.

Al : Marcy, despite your annoying flapping of both lip and wing, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a problem with birds. Perhaps you can speak to them in their native tongue. They're keeping me up.
Peggy : Ooh, what's their secret?
Al : They look the same as they did in high school.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well if you really want to scare them away, an owl will usually do it.
Al : An Al? I'M an Al.

[the hooded Grim Reaper materialized before Al]
Al : How'd you do that?
Peggy : [as the Grim Reaper] I'm Death. That's the first thing they teach you in Death School. Got to have a gimmick.
[Al puts his hand on the hooded figure, and it goes right through the non-corporeal Grim Reaper]
Al : Hey, you are Death!
Peggy : OOOOOO, you found my G-spot.

Peggy : [as the Grim Reaper] Any time between now and midnight, if any member of your family says that they need you in any way, I'll let you live.
Al : All my family has to do is say that they need me?
Peggy : That's right.
Al : Just once?
Peggy : Just once.
Al : Oh... in that case, I'll go back my suitcase.

Al : Suppose my family lets me down. Do you have any idea where I might be going after I die?
Peggy : [as the Grim Reaper] Well, you might want to bring along a lot of sunblock lotion. SPF: one million.
Al : What?
Peggy : I'm just kidding. Maybe...

Al : You know, Peg, you look really good tonight.
Peggy : How many beers have you had tonight, Al?
Al : Ten.
Peggy : So, I guess you're about a six-pack away from sex.
Al : At least.

Al : Son, always remember the Bundy Credo. Lie when your wife is waking. Lie when your belly's aching. Lie when you know she's faking. Lie, sell shoes and lie.
Bud : That's really our family credo?
Al : No. No, actually our family credo is: Hooters, Hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb.

Ephraim Wanker: My wife is just a little embarrassed to be here.
Peggy : Daddy's right. Maybe it'll make her feel better if we stick around here and participate.
Al : Peg, I'd rather go synchronized swimming with Angela Lansbury. I'd rather have by neck shaved by Ray Charles. I'd rather have a picture of you tattooed on the inside my eyelids than spend any more time with these clowns.
[the clown sitting among the other married couples looks down at the floor with sorrow]
Ephraim Wanker: Look, Al if you leave now, you can forget about me and Mama patching things up here.
Al : Oh, all right, I'll stay! But I swear I'm not talking to, or touching that bozo with the big red hair!
[points to the clown sitting nearby] Al : Or that guy either.

Peggy : Al, I don't know why you are so happy. All my father did was call to say that he had some big news.
Al : What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity that is.

Ephraim Wanker: Al, there's a little problem. It's Mama. She's a little shy.
Al : Of what? A metric ton?

Neighbor: [off-screen] Hey, Bundy! I'm having steak tonight. What are you having? Ha, ha, ha!
Al : If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife!

Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law.
Al : So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.

[Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns]
Marcy : What is going on here?
Al : Foreplay.
Peggy : No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it.
Al : And, I'm in the room.

Marcy : What's Mr. Potato Head doing in here?
Al : [misunderstands Marcy] I don't know, you married him.
[he and Jefferson laughs as Marcy is mad]
Marcy : Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

[Al, Peggy, Jefferson and Marcy are playing a Twister board game]
Peggy : All right Al, left hand on blue.
Al : [thinking to himself; voice-over] What is it about this game that's so sexy? I'm touching Peg's rear, and for some reason, it feels pretty good.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [voice-over] I feel someone touching my rear. I think it's Al. Well, he's not a strong as Marcy, but at least he knows what I like.
Peggy : [voice-over] Wow, I like this game with all these hands across my back and grouping my tush. This is just like sex except I have a partner.
Marcy : [voice-over] Oh, I hate this game. Nobody's touching my rear and its way way up in the air!

Gilbert Gottfried: So, I'm on a cruise. My agent says to me, "go on a cruise. You don't have to follow Sid Plank. You don't have to follow Carrot Top. And, you get to eat with the captain." Well some turn this is. Am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I on a cruise anymore? Somebody get my agent!
Al : Somebody get me a spear gun!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Come on, Al. I think Gilbert is funny.
Al : Make that two spear guns!

Marcy : Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle.
Al : Any hooters?
Marcy : It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind.
Al : Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras".
Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.

Peggy : I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.
Marcy : I want sensitivity.
Jefferson: I want killings.
Al : I want boobies.
[They all start arguing] Al : Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop] Al : Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.
Kelly : You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!

Al : Why does every woman that comes in here says they are a size five shoe?
Griff: I don't know. I guess women just aren't comfortable with what size they are.
Al : I'm glad we're men. Men are superior to women, right?
Griff: Right.
Al : We never lie about size. Well, of course I don't.
Griff: Well, I don't either.
Al : Neither do I.
[both Al and Griff stare at each other] Griff: Contest?
Al : Let's rock!
[Al gets out a foot measurer as Griff prepares to take down his slacks when a young, attractive woman walks in]
Al : May we show you something?

Marcy : Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al : What about tax?
Steve: [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.
Marcy : Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy : And audit you for five straight years.

Kelly : Get me some bread, Daddy.
Al : I'm just waiting to hear something...
[thunderclap] Al : Now I can go.

Al : Who the hell is this?
Pizza Boy: I'm Artie from Pizza by Jake. You owe me $7.50, plus a tip.
Al : I'll give you a tip.
[slams him into the door] Al : Doors are hard.
[throws him out] Al : Keep the change.

Bud : Dad, tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks. She's performing here in town and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel. I'm gonna go see her and set things straight. Ha ha, witchy woman. Bite me.
Al : Did you get that?
Jefferson D'Arcy: Uh yeah, he wants Emperor Crystal to bite him.

Al : I'd like one dozen red roses.
Betty: One bouquet of wallet-breakers! Okay, sir, now how do you intend to pay? Cash, check, or deed to your house?
Al : Do you take blood?

Peggy : Gee, Al. I have to admit, this isn't anything like I though it would be.
Al : I know, Peg. Usually it's a lot more civilized in here, but when the talk turns to healthcare, dammit, I become an animal!

Al : Here's the plan. We are only going to take our wives there on Thursdays.
Charlie: But Al, Thursday night is our bowling night.
Al : That's right. And why do we always go bowling on Thursday night? Because at the Jiggly Room, Thursday night is always...
Bob Rooney: A-cup night!
Jefferson D'Arcy: There's not a single Dr. Yummy in the whole house!
Al : Hence, we won't get excited.
Bob Rooney: But what if we do?
Al : Well, try to imagine Jefferson's wife up on stage with no clothes on.
Bob Rooney: What if that doesn't work?
Al : Then try to imagine Jefferson himself up on stage with no clothes on.
Ike: What if that doesn't work?
[everyone stares oddly at Ike] Al : Then you're out of the club.

Al : Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and stole my socks!
Peggy : Where they green before or after they touched your socks?

[into a 'special' ring]
Al : Help me. Moon men have my socks! Over.

[Al, Bud and Ephraim find the bear in the company of mean street gang. The gang refuse to let the bear go. Al takes off his jacket, preparing to fight the gang leader]
Al : Any last words, punk?
Gang Guy: [snickers] Yeah, your wife's good in bed!
Al : [grinning] So, you're a liar, too!
[the gang leader tries to punch Al, but Al blocks his blow and punches him. Bud joins Al, and together they beat up the whole gang]

Al : Hey Marcy, did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: He's not dead you chucklehead. He just violated my Mercedes!
Peggy : How do you know?
[Jefferson enters looking deshelveled and wide-eyed]
Jefferson D'Arcy: Because we were in it.
Peggy : Marcy, are you okay?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Oh, I'm all right. A little in shock and jealous.
Peggy : Jealous?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, you should have seen him go and go and go. My God, if a car could smile. One thing I know for sure. Tonight, Jefferson, we're playing Buick and the Beast.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [stammering] I... I... I... I don't know Marcy. I might need some counselling. And, I think you may have to do all the work for a while.

Peggy : Al, just call a roofer.
Al : There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Bud : Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Kelly : Chew Dad's socks!
Bud : Eat Mom's food!

[Al is getting readly to fix the roof]
Al : OK, whose going up with me besides Bud?
Bud : Dad, anyone who would go up on that roof with you during a lighting storm would have to be a complete idiot.
Kelly : Oh, No! I'm not going up there either.

[Al is squeezing shoes on Enid, a fat customer]
Enid: See? I told you I was a size four.
Al : No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you should yell when the shoe comes off your foot. Are we done here?
Enid: I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al : Well, how's this? What say you stand with these shoes in front of the mirror over there and I'll come up behind you and begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell, "Moo," and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al : May I suggest Jenny Craig?

Aaron: So much to do you think you owe this store commission?
Al : [laughs] I'm not selling shoes for the money. I'm in it to torture fat women. Where you been?
Aaron: To buy you a birthday present. Here.
[he takes the gift and opens it to reveal a video tape]
Aaron: It's Hot Dog, the Movie.
Al : I prefer hot dog, the "Hot DOG".
[tosses tape] Aaron: You can return that at 10 o'clock tomorrow.
Al : Yeah, I know how it feel. At least you didn't sing "Happy Birthday" to me, I HATE THAT! Nothing to do but stand there looking like an idiot until the damn thing is finished. I hope I can get through the day without someone singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

[Al is going outside shirtless]
Peggy : Where are you going?
Al : Where do you think I'm going?
Peggy : To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peggy : What happened today, Al? Why are you late coming home?
Al : Well, this beautiful, very beautiful, girl came into the shoe store today and asked me to fly away to the Greek Islands with her.
Kelly : Well, did you go, Daddy?
Al : [sarcastic] Yes, Pumpkin. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye.
Kelly : That's okay.
Al : Anyway, all this girl wanted was a love toy.
Bud : Yeah, I know the feeling.
Kelly : Oh, please! The only feeling you know is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm summer night.
Al : It was every man's fantasy. To be kept by a woman who's skirt is as short as the lifespan of the man she chooses. But I said "no."
Bud : Why?
[Peggy angrly slaps Bud upside his head]
Al : Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married... with children.

Steve: [Al and Steve are watching the "Video Slut" tryouts on cable access TV] Look at that one, Al! So that's what they look like before you marry them, eh?
Al : Wait a minute, that's Kelly!
Steve: Oh. You know what, Al? I really promised Marcy I'd get home in time to cut the grass.
[runs out of the room] Al : I'm comin' to help you, pumpkin! [leaves the room]

[Peggy, Kelly, and Bud are grabbing at Al demanding allowance money]
Al : Back! Back, you savages. Here! Here's your stinking allowance!
[Al throws a wadd of cash on the floor, and Peggy, Kelly, and Bud break away from Al, and grab at the money, yelling like a literal pack of savage animals]
Al : [sarcastic] Ahhh... another Hallmark moment.

Al : [Bud has covered a poster of a sexy woman with a picture of Barbara Bush] Aah. What the hell are you doing?
Bud : Studying.
Al : What? Why presidents marry ugly?

Bud : I was caught having sex in the college library.
Al : All right. That's my boy.
[Starts shaking Bud's hand] Al : Who's the lucky girl?
Bud : You're shaking her.

Jefferson: [watching the opening credits of "Married... With Children" on TV] You believe that show is still on the air?
Al : It's a classic, I love it. Except for those stupid neighbors.

Al : Man, I love "Cops". Definitely the best show on Fox. Showing the American justice system at work. Beating the crap out of people before judges let 'em go. Almost makes me want to pay taxes.
Jefferson: Or vote.

Al : I thought I just saw Yosemite Sam leaving our house.
Peggy : No, that was Billy Ray Bundy.
Al : Ah, school must be starting soon.

Marcy : Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man?
Al : No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile.

Al : [mimicking a thug] At tomorrow's football game, there's going to be a small group of very powerful men there who will not breathe easy until Chad's team wins the game.
Kelly : Well, maybe if they used both nostrils wouldn't they breathe easier in the first place?

Al : What do you think you're doing, Chad? You missed football practice again today!
Chad: There was practice today? Man, I'm sorry. Time just flies when I'm with Kelly.
Al : Chad, you do not want Kelly. From the moment she was conceived she has ruined men's lives. Swaggart, Baker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy, Swaggart again.

Al : Pumpkin, what did we say about talking to Daddy? I'm watching my new favorite program.
Kelly : 'Friends?' I thought you hated that show.
Al : I do. But if you mute the sound and watch with binoculars, you can tell that Jennifer Aniston isn't wearing a bra.

[Al is channel surfing]
Al : Ah, "Friends". Don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em. [changes the channel]

Bud : [Filming with camcorder] Ready, Dad.
[Al and Peggy enter] Al : I'm entering. Widen, widen. Did you get your Mother in the picture?
Bud : Yeah, Dad.
Al : Rewind.

Marcy Rhoades: You, sir, are Satan's toejam! I know what you're up to! Trying to sabotage your own wife! Is there no limit to how low you'll sink?
Al : Well, I wouldn't kiss you on a bet.

Old Lady: I'm still not sure I want these shoes. What would you recommend to go with them?
Al : A bubbling cauldron?
Old Lady: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al : To get this close to your feet, yeah.

Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al : Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al : Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?

Peggy : [after Bud and Kelly told her that Al ate muffins from a pretty woman, and Peggy thinks Al's cheating on her] Well, Al, don't you want to explain yourself?
Al : Well, I left highschool, lost the will to live and here I am.

[the radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household]
Announcer: And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing: "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
Al : [enters] I'm home!

Al : Why did you want be to believe you were God?
Sidney Rimhollow: Because you assumed I was God. So, I just decided to play along since this is the most fun I've had since I've been here.
Al : Trying to pass yourself off as God? That's it! I'm telling on you. Where is he?
Sidney Rimhollow: No, no! You mustn't disturb God! He's in his quarters watching Knots Landing.
Al : Huh. I always wondered why that show was never cancelled.

[Staying the night in a castle]
Peggy : You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al : Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it: what am I, baby?
Peggy : You're the king, baby.
Al : Make me believe it.
Peggy : Well, who's gonna make me believe it?
[Al looks offended] Peggy : Oh, all right. You're the king, baby!
Al : Good enough.

[staying in a castle]
Al : Can you feel the history in the room, Peg?
Peggy : I know. You know, Igor told me that Bud's room is supposed to be haunted. I didn't tell him, though. You know how jumpy he gets.
Al : Well, good. Because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
[Cut to Bud's room, where ghostly mists swirl around Bud's bed, and ghastly screams echo. Bud, cowering under the covers, peeks up to see the ghosts of his ancestors]
Hanged Bundy Ancestor: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ancestor: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ancestor: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor: Run!
[Bud looks over to the fire, where two more ghosts pop out]
Disemboweled Bundy Ancestor: Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ancestor: Wanna buy some shoes?

Peggy : A Bathroom is not a room.
Al : YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."

Al : Get out!
Griff: Al, I thought we were your buddies.
Al : We are. That's why I'm throwing you out the door instead of out the window.

Suzie: I'm sorry to bother you but I broke a heel in my shoe and I heard you were in the shoe business. Can you fix this?
Al : Of course I can. I fix these all the time. My wife... oh I mean my former wife wears shoes just like this.
Suzie: Are you divorced?
Al : I can be.
Suzie: What's she like?
Al : Oh, I'd rather not say. You know, she wouldn't want me talking about her in front of another woman. You know. She's the firey type, wiggles when she walks, can't get enought of me in bed. Am I talking about her again?
[there is a knock on Al's front door] Suzie: That's okay. I still talk about my ex-boyfriend. Would you like to know what he's like.
[Al opens the door and looks up at an unseen person] Al : Well... let me guess. Big, mean, built like an ape.
[a large muscular arm from ABOVE punches Al in the face who stumbles to his waterbed and falls unconscious, puncturing it]
Suzie: [walks out] Thanks for fixing my shoe.

[Al has become manager of Peg and Kelly's singing act, and is wearing a rather garish cowboy suit]
Bud : Mom... Kelly... Tom Arnold.
Al : Hey, he earned his money.

Bud : Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest.
Peggy : Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars.
Bud : Why don't we enter?
Al : Because we don't have any talent.
Kelly : Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.

Peggy : Al, this isn't a check for $10,000. This is a bill for $10,000.
Al : If you read it carefully, the bill actually says, $100,000.
Peggy : What happened? I thought Buck was ready.
Al : Oh, Buck was ready all right. A little too ready. In fact, far ready beyond possible for our Lady of Astoria. Or should I say, the late Lady of Astoria.
Peggy : Buck did her to death?
Al : And beyond! But don't worry, the money is to be payed within three days, or a warrant will be issued for my arrest. So, I figure that working a few double shifts at the shoe store and with a lemonade stand run by my two "daughters" here, we'll make enough money to buy a chocolate bar, a lipstick, and a pair of nylon stockings which I'll give as gifts to my new cellmate Bruno.
Kelly : Daddy, if it makes you feel any better, you can have my share of the $10,000.
Al : Oh, I'm really going to miss you the most.

Peggy : [off-screen] Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?
Al : Peg, I can't concentrate if you're going to keep shouting instructions!
Peggy : Not like that you moron! Who taught you to do this anyway?
Al : All right, that's it! I quit! Haven't we done enough for one day?
Peggy : Oh, all right. At least you did something.
[Al and Peggy enter from the back yard after cleaning up after Buck]

Peggy : Tell me you love me, Al...
Al : I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word.

Peggy : [Annoying Al to tell her he loves her] Come on, Al. I wanna hear you say you love me.
Al : [Annoyed] Not that again. Now, I know you didn't think of that yourself. Now where does that com from? Phil? Oprah?
Peggy : Marcy.
Al : Aw, great. The only one we can't turn off.

[Marcy sneaks behind Al and hits him on his butt with a beam of wood]
Al : [turns around] Ouch! What did I ever do to you?
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: You were born! You live here! And... I don't know what you did to the bird-bath, but the little birdies won't go there anymore!

Bud : Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane.
Al : No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu.

Bud : Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car?
Al : No, she can walk.

[in Al's fantasy, he's surrounded by four lingerie-clad women]
Al : And so, that's how I defeated the Robots in the first inter-galactic Super Bowl. So, what do you want to do now girls?
Macadamia: We'd just like to serve you, beautiful one.
Al : Well, what's on the menu?
Macadamia: Massage?
Cashew: Whipped cream bath?
Pecan: Spanking?
Almond: Horsy ride?
Macadamia: Or, shall be go back in our cages and frug for you again?

Kelly : Where's Daddy?
Peggy : Gee, I don't know. I haven't seen him since he went insane. Oh, here he comes.
[Al enters holding a dead squirrel] Al : I killed this squirrel for looking at my gold!
Bud : Good work, Dad.
Marcy D'Arcy: Uh, Al...?
[Al wheels around and aims his shotgun at her. She throws her arms up]
Bud : [to Kelly] I think Dad's shoe-selling days are just about over.
Kelly : I think Dad's shoe-wearing days are just about over.

Peggy : If you're the beneficiary, I love you.
Al : If it's me, I don't even know you.

Kelly : Hey, Daddy. Whatcha doin'?
Al : Nothing you need to know, Pumpkin.
Kelly : Ah, a home pregnancy test. Let me show you. Now, you just fill the dropper to the line, and then shake the mix with the anti-HCG conjugate. Put it back into the stand, add the litmus key, and if the test area, not the control area, turns blue, then you have a positive reading.
[Al glares at Kelly who looks embarrassed at how she knows all about the pregnancy test]
Kelly : Uh... I saw the Professor do it on Gilligan's Island.

Bud : Dad, this is my friend Petal.
PetAl : It's part of a flower.
Bud : I met her in my quantum physics class. Isn't she great? Hold all my calls.
Al : They're never are any, son.
Bud : Never mind that now, Dad. See you tomorrow.
Al : Excuse me, Miss. Young lady, you do realize that that's my son's bedroom that you're going to?
PetAl : Yes, I know.
[Al throws out his arms, and embraces Bud to congradulate him for his first 'score']

Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: [singing] We are the old. We've got arthritis. Our gums are weak from gingivitus.
John Sebastian: We are the old. We've got arthritis.
Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: We are the ones who wear bifocals and have bursitis.
Spencer Davis: They are people younger, but we heed another call.
Richie Havens: We really need the money. Our accountants took it all.
Peter Noone: We sing to you, those who have money. Once we we're cool.
Al : But now we just dress funny.
John Sebastian: We need you're help. So, please, please dig deep.
Richie Havens: But don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep.
Robby Krieger: We have Medicare, and anti-gas pills.
Mark Lindsay: But without your help we can't pay our alimony bills.
Al Bundy, Spencer Davis, Richie Havens, Robby Krieger, Mark Lindsay, Peter Noone, John Sebastian: We are the old, we have arthritis. Once we we're gods, now golf excites us. So, write a check, for our December. There's one more verse, but we can't remember.

Al : You are the biggest - By the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al : The biggest idiot I've ever met.

Steve: I'm sorry.
Al : Yeah, that and a dime will get you a cup of coffee.
Steve: Where?
Al : Shut up.

Peggy : Today is a momentous occasion: Daddy paid the water bill! How'd you do it, honey?
Al : As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune, I came up with a bold financial plan: I sold my blood!
[he rolls up his sleeve, showing five patches of gauze taped up the length of one arm]

[the Bundys drink a toast with the first water out of the tap]
Bud : To Dad's blood.
Al : Heh-heh, and the poor sap who got it.

[Al is reading from a newspaper about Jim Jupiter's death]
Al : "Jim Jupiter dies on-air on his show." Blah, blah, blah..."county coroner gave his report on Jim's death. Blood sugar level: enough to kill three horses. Cholesterol level: high enough to dam the mighty Mississippi."
Peggy : This is all my fault, Al. I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.
Al : So? You've slowly been killing me for years and you don't seem to care.

Al : C'mon, everybody, family meeting.
[they all sit] Al : Now, Peg, I know you think you're responsible for killing Jim. And yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me, but that's another meeting. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you didn't kill Jim. Good health killed Jim. See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called on to do so, he couldn't handle the grease and sugar and toxic waste that we call food. He rendered himself extinct. See, healthy people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: The bank president is flying in all the way from Japan at my house tonight. Now, once he approves of me, the job is as good as mine. So Al, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect. I need you to leave the neighborhood. You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by you or your children, no offence.
Al : None taken.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: So you'll do it.
Al : I meant none taken... yet.
[Al widdles his fingers together symbolizing a bribe]
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: All right, Al. What's your price?
Al : One night, all expenses payed, to a Howard Boman's Motor Lodge.
Bud : Oh, where Hobo's reside.
Kelly : Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar.
[everyone looks at Kelly oddly]
Kelly : [embarrassed] Or, uh... so I hear from my slutty friends who may go there all the time. Not me.

Al : Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a 30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in it...
[Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger away and looks like he's about to heave]

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: They gave you $10,000? See, this is exactly why I'm a republican.
Al : Really? And I thought it was because of the drinking and the wife-swapping-parties.

Al : You know what really bothers me? There is a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.
Peggy : Well, I bet he's sorry now, honey.

Steve Rhodes: I have another phone message for Peggy.
Peggy : Who is it, Steve?
Steve Rhodes: It's from your mother. She's worried about you and having not to talk to you every day. So, she's coming to stay until you get your phone put back in.
Al : [Al's eyes widen with fear] How much time do we have?
Steve Rhodes: She was packing her bags.
Al : Great! Great! We can still stop her. She's so big and fat that she can never get through her front door on the first try. Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve's phone!
Steve Rhodes: Oh, sure. Use Steve's phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the Steve stops here and my phone is off-limits. Give Mom and hug for me.
Al : Oh, God. What have I done?
Peggy : Get out the Sitz bath, kids. Grandma's coming.
Al : Look, Peg, go out to a payphone, call your mother before she gets to the bottom of her driveway because once she's in motion, you can't stop here! Was that a tremor? Oh God, she must be changing bras!

Marcy D'Arcy: Al, those insect bites you have look awful.
Al : Insect bites? Oh, thank God! I thought they were hickies from that bum over there.

Al : Steve, I'm going to give you a gift. A special gift to make you stop thinking about Marcy. I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary, so sit down. Clear your mind. Think of Marcy. Now, take a look at this photo of... my mother-in-law!
Steve Rhodes: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Al : Everybody says that. Yep, look at her in a two-piece bathing suit, bending over at the beach on the shore of Lake Michigan to pick up her sunglasses, the summer of '71. Notice the perspiration peculating in the folds of her stomach. You'll also notice that her upper arms are blurry. Why you ask? Well, there was a breeze and the camera caught them in mid-flap.

[after the fat and ugly Mrs. Wicker jumbs on Al]
Al : She bit me on the neck, Peg! Now I'll live forever!

[there is a knock at the door]
Al : Who is it?
Steve Rhoades: Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.
Al : Bartholomew?

Kelly : You're upset because people are calling you Mr. Dirty Pants.
Al : That's Empty Pants.
Kelly : Wow. That would mean a total absence of genitalia.

Peggy : Are you okay?
Kelly : I think so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that will always remind me of him.
Al : A $10,000 wedding debt?
Kelly : No Daddy, that's yours. I've got this.
[shows the diamond ring she still is wearing]
Kelly : And of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud : We're here for you, Kel.
Kelly : Not you.
[Kelly runs and stands in front of her former boyfriends]
Kelly : Them.

Bink Winkleman: Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?
Al : What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impailing on a fence? Come on, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!

Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
Al : Great idea. To the nudie bar.
Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
Al : And lap dances are half-price.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
Griff: And the girls are all 20.
Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!

[the Bundys are in Hollywood for Kelly's TV show]
Al : Think about it, fame, fortune all from your TV show.
Kelly : Yeah, just think, some day my picture will be hanging on this wall with other exciting TV shows as...
[reading the names of the NBS TV show posters]
Kelly : Ellen and her Dog; Spike La Bee, New York City School Teacher; Art Alente, PI; Black Cop, White Girl; Me and the Shiksha; The Homeless Detective; Amos and Andrew... oh come on!
[to Al] Kelly : Daddy, do they have to hang my picture here?

Peggy : Marcy what is it?
Marcy : Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT.
[Steve walks in] Al : Hey Steve. What's up? OOPS!

[playing a board game, Al has to tell what he cares about]
Al : I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hi. We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is?
Peggy : No.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, let me put your minds to rest. He's been living with just for the past three days. He walked in when you left for that Hawaii/Rock of Ages thing and now doesn't want to leave.
Jefferson D'Arcy: He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork, but he has learned to chant "kill the Bundys" with us and and the other neighbors.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: If you don't mind, we were thinking about renaming him Henry, after my father.
Peggy : [shrugs] Sure, that's okay.
Al : [shrugs] What do we care? Do what you want.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls us Dad and Little Dad.

Peggy : Look, there's a cool 25 cents for you if you'll haul our car to a station.
Codger #1: Normally, we'd do it for $400.
Codger #2: But we'll do it for $200, if you'll let us take our picture with you, leopord woman.
Peggy : Oh, Al. These rubes think I'm sexy.
Al : I would too if I drank whisky for breakfast.

Peggy : Al, how come you never send me roses?
Al : I don't like you, Peg.

Steve Rhoades: We didn't come here to throw our happiness in your face. Actually, we came here if you could do me a favor.
Al : What? Grab one of your wife's legs and make a wish.
[Marcy gets up and tries to strangle Al for his comment. Steve holds her back and gets her to sit down]

Charlie Verducci: Times have passed us by. Women today don't understand that we need to fall asleep after sex. We have to.
[after a few minutes of dialogue]
Al : Wait, Charlie. I was thinking about what you said. I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

[stumbling down the steps in the middle of the night]
Al : Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed.

Peggy : All right, Al. It's time to do your chores.
Al : Wait a second, Peg. We just had sex three nights ago. I'm still kind of woozy.
Peggy : I'm asking you to take out the garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs.
Al : And the more rewarding.
[Al picks up the plastic garbage bag and it breaks, spilling garbage all over the floor]
Peggy : Don't you even know how to do that?
Al : Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex.

Kelly : [Playing a shoe store customer] Excuse me, Sir, do you have any purple pumps?
Al : ...Certainly we have purple pimps. At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.

[NO MA'AM is planning to attend a pro wrestling event]
Jefferson: Main event featuring 'King Kong' Bundy. Hey, Al, is he a relative of yours?
Al : No, but we're letting him use Peg's nickname.

[at the dining room]
Al : Well, we were gonna go for a walk, but we heard on the radio it might rain.
Al : [to Roy] Hey, Goob. That radio upstairs stinks. I'm paying eight dollars American, so get one of the guys out of the pigpen and let's get that thing workin', huh?
Al : [to the kids] Hey, who wants some down-home cookin'?
Al : [to Beany] Hey, Elmo. Vittles for the family.

Kelly : Something's wrong with Bud, Dad. He hasn't showered for four days, he disappears at night, he has no interest in the opposite sex anymore
Al : And the problem is?
Kelly : Daddy, he's like that and he's not even married.

Peggy : Al, I don't understand why you have to take me with you when you go out to buy new underwear for yourself.
Al : Well, you're the one that has to look at them when you wash them.
Peggy : I don't look at them, and I don't wash them. I just... dry them.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Put a shirt on, I can't stand to see you topless.
Al : Well, at least people know when I'm topless!

[Offscreen]
Al : Peg, leave it alone, it's mine.
Peggy : But it just hangs there lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I'll straighten it out.
Al : For God's sake, Peg, you're going to pull it off... Now it's too long.
Peggy : Most women like it that way.
Al : I don't care what women like. I'm the one that has to lug it around.
[Al enters, his necktie way too long]

Al : [Al has just learned that the car dealership took advantage of him] The salesman said that smart people lease.
Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Yeah! To stupid people!

Bud : Where are you guys going?
Al : We're gonna sleep outside in the hole, Bud.
[Peggy and Al open the front door to find pouring rain]
Peggy : Oh, Al, it's raining.
Al : Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.

Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: The way you leave this door open a maniac could just walk in and kill you.
Al : Yeah. Like I ever get what I want.

Al : What happened Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al : I'll tell you what happened Steve. Someone told women that they should start enjoying sex to. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us!

Al : [showing Marcy a check] Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby".
[looks closer at the check] Al : Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Al : Griff, girls like that are a dime a dozen.
Griff: Here's a dime, bring me a dozen.

[It's Friday, but Al & Peg want to make Kelly think it's really Saturday]
Peggy : C'mon, Al. Pretend it's Saturday.
Al : [right hand down his pants; switches to the left one]
Kelly : [comes home]
Kelly : [looks at Al] Oh my god, it's Saturday?

Al : [preparing to plunge the toilet] This is a job for Old Betsy.
Peggy : Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?
Al : Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.

Al : [into the phone] Hello? Oh, Hello Peg.
Peggy : [into the photo from a taxi] Al, is it cold there?
Al : It's as cold as your feet on my back, Peg. Where are you?
Peggy : Oh, I'm in New Orleans at Marti gras. It's really warm here, and there are a lot of kids here for Spring Break. Dad's trail has led me to here.
Al : Is your dad there, Peg?
Peggy : How would I know? There's 10,000 people here and they're all wearing masks.
Al : So the only one who should be really isn't? Goodbye, Peg.

Al : [carrying a suitcase] Well, I'm all packed for prison.
Kelly : Have a nice time, Daddy.

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al : Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al : You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

Chesty LaRue: Don't worry, men. I haven't lost a step. I'm as sexy as I was when I entertained the troops.
Al : Union or Confederate?

Peggy : What would you like?
Al : A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.

Al : It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.
Peggy : I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.

Kelly : He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly : Obviously, he's not here.

Marcy : Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al : Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

Peggy : No TV, Al, we're talking.
Al : You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.

Al : I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?
Bud : No, Dad.
Al : Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Marcy : What would it be like if men had breasts?
Al : We wouldn't need women any more.

Peggy : And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.
Al : THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

Peggy : I want sex.
Al : So do I, but I see no reason to drag you into it.

Peggy : Did you miss me?
Al : With every bullet, so far.

Peggy : A pox on you, Al.
Al : Yeah; like I'd notice.

[In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al : Do I look that stupid to you?

Al : Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
Bud : [on phone] Hi, Mom.

Al : Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
Peggy : Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

Kelly : [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?
Bud : 'A.'
Kelly : Oh cool, just like the letter.

[a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al : Blacksmith's right around the corner.

Bud : Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress.
Kelly : Which one?

Al : What's for supper?
Peggy : Filthy pig!
Al : We had that last night.

Neighbor: Hey Bundy. I had steak for dinner tonight, what did you have?
Al : If I'm lucky your wife.

Kelly : [as Al is pointing the TV-remote against his head] Daddy, you're pointing it at the wrong way!
Al : Not if there's a God.

Peggy : Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly : I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy : Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly : Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy : Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al : Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al : Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers] Al : Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes] Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.

Al : I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy : Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al : Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.

Al : [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy : [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al : [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

[the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad,
Psycho Dad. He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al : This is why we must give to PBS.




Al's Psycho Dad Song

pearly gates



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