Homer Simpson Quotes of Wisdom

HOMER SAYS

PAGE 7

pearly3000@email.com

So many previews! So many previews! So many previews!
[at the gay pride parade].
Hey, look at those abs. They all have six packs. All I have is a keg. [looks at his tummy].
My mouth ... my beautiful mouth.
[Homer's jaws wired shut for medical reasons].
[thinks] Marge thinks Ned Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.
[thinks] Oh! Bart has feelings! he he he ... he's a cutie!
[at the bar] You'd be surprised how much you can learn if you listen once in a while.
For you ... I'll be as dull as Dilbert(?)
Marge : Now he's taking everything to heart.
Homer : As much as humanly possible.
Homer : I'm going to bed.
Marge : It's only 7:30!
Homer : Marge, I can stand here and argue with you all day. Then I'll have to get another glass of milk.
[million dollar episode]
Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge!
He he he ... unguarded breakfast, the sweetest of them all.
Hey Marge, he's the guy who couldn't get any of you. [Arty, the inventor].
Spill it, moneybag.
[Arty asks for a weekend with Marge for a million dollars].
A MILLION DOLLARS!!! ... wait a minute ... how much sex will be involved ?
Marge : I like the other noises you make in bed. [to a snoring Homer].
Homer : One squeaking, creaking symphony coming up.
Okay Arty, you can have her for the weekend. But NO funny stuff. Funny stuff includes holding hands, googoo eyes, ...
[Homer at Moe's after sending Marge with Arty for the weekend]
I didn't sell her. I just granted her to an old boy friend. You think she'll fall for that guy even after I bought her that hockey tape?
[at the fake prom at Arty's]
Guard : Have you been drinking?
Homer : Only for 25 years.
[at Moe's again]
Guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kiss a far superior man.
[leaves a video tape for Marge]
Marge, if you are watching this, that means I've got this camera working.
[at the oil field, working there with Lenny]
This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.
[Arty admits defeat and leaves]
Arty, you saved my life ... now I believe there's a little business of a million dollars.
Marge : You can't take his money.
Homer : I can't take HIS money. I can't bring my OWN money. I've to work for money. Why don't I just lie down and die?
Lisa : Springfield Prep School? Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield.
Homer : Knowing them will only want you to go here.
[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : You're stealing!!!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!
Aucitoneer : This 100 dollars goes to Ned Flanders .
Homer : AWH!
Ned : This goes straight to the orphanage.
Homer : AWH!
[Lisa doesn't want to get away from the private school].
Homer : Don't worry Honey. You cannot go here now. But when it's time for you to go to college, my daughter will go to the finest college ... ... in South Carolina!
[Advising Bart about girls]
Homer : Don't give them any nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar ... and always get receipt ... makes you look like a business guy.
Aw! I sat on something sharp ... He he he I have a foil on my ass.
[to go to Canada]
Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?
Guard : But we are closing in 5 minutes.
Homer : Will an American dollar change your mind?
Guard : Ooh! American currency! What time would you like your breakfast served, sir?
[Advising Bart on girls, again]
Homer : Look boy, nobody likes a quitter. So, go back there and win her back.
Bart : But she's not coming back.
Homer : Oh! I quit. There is no convincing you. I give up. I want to go to sleep. [falls down and sleeps].
Marge : Your father is dead.
Homer : [crying] Awh! ... and he never lived to be a vegetable.
Sure I said I loved him [his father]. But I never said I was in love with him.
[Abe wants to drive again against Homer's wishes]
Abe : What about your DUI?
Homer : That was DWI.
... and another thing ... NOooo Death Racing!
Marge : First he wrecks your car. Then he steals my car. Your father is out of control.
Homer : Oh Sure, when he does something bad, he is MY father!
Sherman : You must be the man who didn't know whether it was a blister or a boil.
Homer : It was a gummy bear.
Oh yeah! I won the belching contest at work. [belches to Sherman who shows his film award]
Okay I am not smart like that Sherman guy. But does he know all the words to the Oscar Meyer song?
And that's what I call a moon shot!
[There is an unrecognized call to Brazil on the phone bill]
Which phone company? There are hundreds of them! They all keep changing their names ... awhh [sobs].
Phone co. rep : I'll cut off your service.
Homer : I'll cut off your pony tail.
[then whispers to Marge : That's called negotiating.]
I told you I have too much time on my hands!
[Lisa admits to making that Brazil call]
Marge : But you're the good one.
Homer : The one we both like.
Don't you know that the little boys from Brazil are Hitlers? I saw that in a movie, whose name I can't remember.
[Marge is impressed with the Brazilian kid in the photos]
Marge : Can we have another kid?
Homer : No way. I haven't lost the weight I put on on the last one.
The Simpsons are going to Antarctica ... next year! This year we're going to Brazil!
Wait wait ... In August it is cold! In February, it is hot?!?
[a giant statue of Jesus in Brazil]
VOW! it's like he is on the dashboard of the entire country!
Ooh! they look like skittles! [color rats in Brazil]
Make me a drink with all your Brazilian fruits mixed together. [drinks it] ... Sweet! Sweet!! ... awh ... sweet ... sweet ... [licks mud]
[Homer and Bart get into an "unlicensed taxi" in Brazil]
Cabby : Americans! I'm afraid this is a kidnapping.
Homer : Ooh! then I don't have to pay the fare!
I have the bladder the size of a Brazil nut. [to his kidnappers]
I don't know. They've been seeing a lot of me for free. [to call his family for ransom]
[calls Flanders after calling Moe and Burns]
Homer : Flanders, I need 100,000 dollars.
Ned : I really don't have that kind of money. But if you need it so badly, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer : Go suck a Bible.
Eh, same old garbage. [Marge's dinner].
Isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?
[Homer is on medical marijuana]
Ned : Homer, it's me, Ned.
Homer : Yeah right, the God dude.
... or you just rented 'Matrix', medical marijuana can make all things fabulous.
I could blow smoke in the president's stupid monkey face and all he could do is groove on it!
No cold turkey is as delicious as it sounds. [quitting medical marijuana].
This dope can ANYTHING seem funny ... even that show that comes after 'Friends'.
He's [Bill Clinton] a Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude.
Mr.Burns has left the building.
Then the day came that changes everything for a couple ... the day we got our elephant ...
[At the Friars Club roasting Homer as the 'Man of the Hour']
Homer : Do the proceeds go to any charity?
Krusty : Hell No.
Homer : WOO HOO!
Eh! that was at MY expense. What kind of a roast is this?
Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ... Secrets and Lies ...
Le Grille? what the hell is that?
The more you rock, the angrier I get.
I'm a rageaholic. I cannot live without a rageahol.
Lisa : The first step to cure is admitting that that you have a problem.
Homer : Is it also the last step?
Lisa : No, quitting is the last step.
Homer : Awh ... [sobs].
Yeah he is handsome in an ugly sort of way. [David Schwimmer]
Well, I'm not Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty good impression of Columbo. [to his superior at the naval reserve].
What's an email?
Well, a paperweight will be nice. But what I really need is a computer.
Computer, kill Flanders.
Oh! dancing Jesus!
Finally I did it. I changed the world. Now I know how God feels.
Marge : I'm glad you won a Pulitzer prize.
Homer : FINALLY!!!
I don't know anything. At least I don't think so.
I'm not a number. I'm a man. No ... wait ... I'm number 5! In your face, number 6!
Who are you and why am I here? I want the answers NOW or I'll want them eventually.
That lousy pothole!
Space Coyote : You've to learn a lesson.
Homer : If you're talking about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.
In your face, space coyote!
[the tough judge episode]
I LOVE our court dates.
Judge : Don't spit on my cupcake and call it frosting, boy.
Homer : [excited] ... What did she say about cupcakes?
Prison guard : Sir, you're not size 4.
Homer : I used to be ... hu hu ...[cries]
Don't you have any court-appointed baby sitter or "au pair"
[to a tethered Bart, at the softball game]
Block out everything but the sound of my criticism.
Bart : I am cold and scared.
Homer : That's my sucker!
Bart : Dad, I've to go to the bathroom.
Homer : I just got comfortable. Use the bottle. Why do we even have a bottle? Somebody tell me.
Judge : First admit that you're bad parents.
Homer : I admit.
[Marge protests the charge to the judge]
Homer : Your honor, could I be tried separately?
[Homer and Bart are still tethered together by the court order]
Marge : I can't do that in front of our kid.
Homer : Marge, kids are very visual these days.
Hey, may be I should be a milkman!
She lives in a HOUSE BOAT?!? She's so cool!
[Homer and Marge sneak into the judge's boat house and hang a sign 'BIG MEANIE' and get caught]
[peeking in the window] ... Look at her in there ... watching her body!
[judge's boat house is destroyed]
That quilt was made by my grand mother!
Homer : Mmm ... then it cost you nothing.
Time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.
[Homer and Marge are punished by the judge]
We can be free of these if you just admit you're a bad mother. You don't even have to say 'bad', you can be negligent or ... or 'drugged up'.
Marge : Homer, I think you should help Lisa with her science project.
Homer : Yeah, syrup is better than jelly. [eating his breakfast].
I've learn to think a lot faster.
Did I think that loudly?
The man never drank a duff in his life. [responding to a Nixon ad for duff in 1960].
Driving School class : Here's a fellow. They're peeling him off the sidewalk.
Homer : He he he. It's funny because I don't know that guy. [driver ed class after a DWI arrest].
My name is Homer. I am here because the court made me come. [AA meeting].
Marge : Do you ever drink alone?
Homer : Does God count as a person?
Marge : No.
Homer : Then yes.
Well beer, we had some great times. [sings 'When I was seventeen'].
Homer's brain : Don't think about beer.
[sees a 'Alcohol-fuelled car' sign and imagines pumping gas]
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
One down and 29 to go. [giving up alcohol for a month].
TV, have you turned on me too? [beer commercials].
But Marge, the guys at Moe's will be expecting me. Moe, Barney and that guy that calls me Bill.
[Homer and Bart are watching an Swazzeneger movie on TV].
Bart : That's one evil man.
Homer : That's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.
Marge : Mmm Homey, you're the union leader. I'm so proud of you.
Lisa : Finally you get to share the fair share of the working force.
Homer : And make life-long contacts with organized crime. ... mmm organized crime.
Homer : I don't know why I was elected as the union leader in the first place.
Marge : That's because they all like you.
Homer : Yeah, they are always patting my head for good luck and tickling my tummy to hear my girlish laughter.
Marge : That doesn't sound like they like you.
Homer : Yeah. The first thing I'll do tomorrow is to punch Lenny at the back of his head. [the next day he does when Lenny is drinking coffee].
Homer : Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa : I learned that 8 ounces make a pint.
Bart : I got expelled.
Homer : That's my boy ... [drinking beer] ... mmm ... beer ... [thinks] ... WHAT???
Marge, forget him. He is 10 years old. Let's focus all our energy on Lisa and the other one. Lisa, what's your problem?
TV : GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart : Vow!!! Dad, what's a gabbo?
Homer : Some guy's name? A guy named Gabbo???
Teacher : The exams will consist of 50 questions - true or false ...
Homer : True.
Teacher : Homer, I am just describing the exam.
Homer : True.
Oh! what a noble visionary thought of the April Fools Day!
Homer : ... and then came the story of the April fool.
Lisa : Dad, I was telling the story.
Homer : Oh, yeah.
No no no no ... beer bring pain. [Homer in the hospital because of Bart's April fool prank].
[PBS pledge episode]
Bart :You're watching PBS?
Homer : Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I stumbled across the most delicious British sitcom.
PBS TV : Folks, we've just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven hundred dollars, and it's all thanks to one generous caller ... who didn't leave his name.
Homer : [laughs]
PBS TV : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. [a picture of Homer appears on the screen. He screams]
Homer : Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?
Lisa : Mom, Dad's on PBS!
Marge : Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Homer : [on TV] Um, it's an honor to give ten thousand dollars. Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
Marge : From now on, one of us always stays home.
[Homer in a South Pacific island as missionary, hiding from PBS]
Marge : Homer, are you all right?
Homer : I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough .
Marge : You've only been gone two days.
Homer : Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.
Lisa, Jr. : Amy said that there are lots of religions. Which is the right one?
Homer : Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
Ak : If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.
Homer : Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.
Ak : Why are you building chapel?
Homer : Because you're all terrible sinners.
Q'Toktok : Since when?
Homer : Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to hell.
[family in an electric car]
Marge : Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer : Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.
Uh, I'm sorry, but the car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now?
Homer : Mel Gibson is just a guy Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge : Were you or Lenny ever named Sexiest Man Alive?
Homer : Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny ...
[Mel Gibson's version of the stirring speech Jimmy Stewart's character gave near the end of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer : Boring!
Marge : It's not boring. He's passionate about government.
Homer : At least the Jimmy Stewart version had the giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan.
Homer : Well, that was a stinker.
Marge : I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solved their problems with words instead of bullets and chasing.
Homer : Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend [Mel Gibson] was in it. I'll bet that you would have hated it if me and Lenny was Mr.Smith.
That's it! I'm telling Mr. Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of his movie. Hey, Gibson!
Milo : Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
Homer : It was symbolism. He was mad.
Christian : But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like "Howard's End" or "Sophie's Choice."
Homer : Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. [sotto voce] P. S. : Mission accomplished. [high-fives Gibson]
I am not popular enough to be different.
... with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog ...
My kids are sick of all my stories. Yours [Flanders] can't seem to get enough of me. [babysitting the Flanders kids]
Bart : I thought you were doing this [babysitting] only until your knee got better.
Homer : Then I discovered the joys of raising children.
Lisa : What about us?
Homer : Don't worry, honey, you'll have kids of your own someday.
This valentine crap has gone too far. [angry about Apu's courting of his wife]
Baby, we got them now. They can't escape from the airport. [following Apu on valentine's day]
Homer : [to Burns] So, you want me to go to college.
Bart : Ha, barber or clown?
Homer : BART!!!
Oh, I hate that lousy dean.
But nerds are my mortal enemies!
But Marge, we college kids are upto no good.
Excuse me, little piggie ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight ... curly ... straight [keeps pulling the piggie's tail until the piggie bites him].
Is poopoo one word or two?
I'll draw a frownie face on my butt and pull down my pants. [for entertaining Burns on his birthday] .
Don't worry, he'll be ready for your aunt Selma's birthday. [ his bare butt for display].
Homer : But I am confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge : It's an ending. That's enough.
Aw! finally some quiet time to read some of my old favorites ... Honey-roasted peanuts ... ingredients ... peanut, artificial honey-roasting agents, salt ...
Aw! the last peanut! ... overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers!
[at the rafting trip - partners]
Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders ... Please not Flanders
[stranded on the raft at sea]
See boy, your old man was right!, not Flanders. We are doomed. In your face, Flanders.
Ooh! there's something you don't see everyday in a toilet! [a pair of glasses - picks them from the bowl and wears them]
Lisa : Dad, you should not be wearing glasses not prescribed for you.
Homer : [looking at Bart] Lisa, just because you're 10-feet tall, it doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
[Legal gambling in Springfield]
Shshsh ... I am teaching the kid [Maggi] how to gamble.
[Marge gets adddicted to gambling ]
Lisa : There's nothing there for breakfast.
Homer : Lisa, you should learn to improvise ... cloves ... cold milk ... pie crust ...
Homer : Marge, you're spending too much time in the casino. I think you might have a problem.
Marge : I won 60 dollars last night .
Homer : Woohoo! 60 dollars! Problem solved.
Lisa : Mom hasn't made my geography costume yet.
Homer : Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just she has a career now. She's a slot jockey.
[the whole house is in disarray and Homer is running around with a revolver]
Marge : WHAT happened here?
Homer : A little incident involving the boogie man. This would not have happened if you had been here to prevent me from acting stupid.
Homer : Marge, I want you to admit that you have a gambling problem.
Marge : Yes, I have a problem. May be I should get some professional help.
Homer : It's too expensive. You just quit.
WOOHOO! for the first time in our marriage, I can look down my nose on you, because you have a GAMBLING problem!!! You remember the time you caught me stealing watches at Sears? That's nothing because you have a GAMBLING problem!
[Homer reading paper] Today's horoscope : 'Today will be like any other day.' ... Awh! it just gets worse and worse!.
What are you so happy about? You kids have to go to school. I have to go to work. The only one who got it easy here is your mom. [Marge is scrubbing the floor]
Yes son, when you are a musician, a job is called a gig.
[to form a neighborhood watch group to catch a cat burgler]
Homer : We don't need a thinker. We need a doer. Who will do anything without considering the consequences.
Crowd : Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!
[warning the kids about the cat burgler]
Marge : ... and don't take candy from strangers.
Homer : Marge! they are only human!
[Homer is in charge of the vigilante group]
You know, push people around, make ourselves look big.
Homer : Hey, where did you get that jazz from?
Man : Sears.
Homer : GET HIM!
[Homer singing] I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar I caught the cat burglar You are the cat burglar.
Dad, I love you, but you're a weird-headed old crank and nobody likes you.
The union code says everyone should win 'The worker of the week' award at least once, irrespective of gross incompetence, obesity or rank holding.
Homer : Hello, is this NASA?
Reply : Yes.
Homer : Good. Listen, I am sick of all your stupid space launches. I know I'm just a blue-collar slob ...
Reply : How did you get this number?
Homer : Shut up and another thing, how com I cannot get a glass of tang around here?
[NASA looking for that blue-collar slob who made the phone call and Homer initially points Barney and then recants]
Oh no, I made that phone call. I made it. I make prank calls all the time. Ask the FBI. They have a file on me. I have a file.
NASA officer : Well Homer, it looks like you are the winner by default.
Homer : Default? The two sweetest words in the English language. Dee Fault, dee fault, dee fault, dee fault ...
[Homer all "ready" to go to space]
Let's invade the White House and kill the president ... Gumbo.
The astronauts aboard the spaceship are communicating with singer James Taylor at the NASA center]
Homer [in the spaceship] : VOW! former president James Taylor!
Marge : Everybody pick a floor and start cleaning.
Homer : I call basement!
Bart & Lisa : Okay.
Homer (looks at the basement) : D'oh!
He [Bart] is taking the elephant instead of the money!
[Bart wins an elephant in a radio contest and Santa's little helper and Snowball feel left out and so perform some tricks]
Homer : Hey! what's with them?
Lisa : I think they are trying to get some attention.
Homer : Well, GOOD LUCK with that.
I have two questions : How much and give it to me. [selling the elephant].
Lousy job. Nothing interesting ever happens here.
[Homer, the human chimney sweeper]
This may be a dirty job, but the guys at the top are working even harder. [Burns is shirtless, watching TV, eating chips]
[Burns chooses Bart to be his heir]
Marge : Are you thinking what I am thinking
Homer : Yeah, let's push him down the steps.
[Bart is to go to Burns' mansion and live with him]
Homer : Aw! Bart gets to do that. How come I cannot be lurking near the bushes outside chef Boyardee's house?
[Bart is throwing peas at Lisa]
Marge : Homer, say something.
Homer : Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
[Bart is being deprogrammed after Burns programs him to stay with him as his heir]
Deprogramming Officer : But I got Paul McCartney out of that group(?)
Homer : You idiot! he was the most talented one.
[another deprogrammed man arrives at Homer's house and Homer kisses him over and over]
Marge : Homer, that's not Bart.
Homer : Can we keep him anyway?
Hey the trail of donuts has ended.
Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. [kissing the deprogrammed guy]
Sure they [Shelbyville] could have got back at me for spiking their water supply, but they have no guts.
An athlete : Ned Flanders here showed me that there is more to playing football and sleeping with ligerie models.
Homer [murmuring] : Professional athletes! always wanting more.
Now I have four children. You, I'll call 'Stitchface'. [an autographed football given to Homer]
They don't call me 'Springfield Big Fat' because I am morbidly obese.
[to Flanders] I got to know your family. I want you to get to know my family. [and brings Ned Flanders to Moe's]
Ned : Haideho, neighbors!
Homer : Get lost, Flanders.
Ned : Odiely Doodly.
[The extra-absorbant paper towel guy]
Signed photo? Marge hasn't asked for my signed photo in months! I'll show her.
[Homer tricks Marge into believing that the paper towel guy is coming to dinner and arranges for Barney to show up]
Lisa : That was a cruel joke you played. You hurt mom's feelings.
Homer : What about me? It was hard on me too. I had to wear a suit.
[Homer is hypnotised at a show]
I am in your power. Boss me around.
It was one of those lazy summer days you would think would last forever. [Homer recalling some traumatic event at age 12]
It's [the traumatic event at age 12] is responsible for all the things that are wrong in my life ... my occassional over-eating, my fear of corpses ...
[The family goes to the quarry to find the corpse Homer spotted when he was 12]
Marge : It's the body?
Homer : Someone has eaten the flesh.
[Burns shows a homevideo of Smithers Sr.'s unfortunate death]
Ooh! a movie! I call the couch.
Now the movie has turned into a play! [Smithers Jr. walks in at the end of the movie]
[Homer has Smithers Sr.'s skull in a box]
Marge : Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Smithers Jr.?
Homer : What's the point? He'll bury it anyway.
Homer : I am sick of this Tarzan movie.
Lisa : Dad, this is a documentary on the homeless.
Homer : Really.
[A vicious dog is stalking Bart]
Bart, sometimes dogs hate people for no reason.
It's not fair. This Buck fellow had all the breaks in life. Horse riding lessons, finest makeup ...
[Homer and Bart are watching Buck ...'s cowboy tricks]
Bart : That's a fancy shoot!
Homer : I've seen fancier.
Bart : He's drunk!
Homer : I've seen drunker.
Homer : Bart lost his hero tonight. I should be the happiest guy in the world. But why don't I feel so?
Marge : You care about Bart's feelings.
Homer : Stop saying that.
I'm not giving up on Buck. There must be some hair-brain half-ass way. [to save Buck from alcoholism]
Bart : Buck, you're my hero again.
Homer : Son, aren't you forgetting someone?
Bart : Then there is Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Kuchi(?), America's firefighters and then YOU, Dad.
Homer : And don't you forget it.
I can't let the boy see me skipping work. [disguises with a black comb as his mustache and passes Bart by]
Awh! jury duty! I'll see that Freddy Quimby hang for this.
I think Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free ... ... hotel! [Homer in the jury of Mayor Quimby trial]
You say I don't make money. I found a dollar when I was waiting for the bus.
Boy, we have hit the jackpot! White gold, Texas tea! [a truck load of sugar]
... and I am going to sell it directly to the consumer at a low low price of one dollar per pound. [stolen sugar]
They are somehow defending themselves. [Bees at the sugar pile]
This bar is like a tavern to me.
Shut up, liver!
[Marge's fear of flying episode]
Come on, Marge, it's an opportunity for you to clean up after us in a WHOLE NEW STATE!
Don't worry Marge, we don't need to go on a trip. We can wait for the killer bees to come to us.
[Marge becomes unhinged after a "plane" experience]
You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine. So behave.
[Mage sees a psychiatrist]
Homer : Ever since you've been seeing the psychiatrist, everything is about you. It's you you you. What about ME, Marge?
Marge : This is my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet.
Homer : See ... It's MY first session. I haven't opened MY mouth yet.
[Homer's suggestions for fortune cookie readings]
'You'll be aroused by a shampoo commercial.'
'The price of stamp will climb ever higher.'
'You'll find true love on Flag Day.'
Can I have my icecream? I finished my pizza.
Let go off her. Or I'll scream. [Burns' fiance from her old boy friend]
Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name. [for shooting Mr.Burns]
Yeah, finally the good Lord has blessed me with a REAL family. [25 puppies of Santa's Little Helper]
"Puppets for free or Best Offer" - sign for the sale of Santa's Little Helper's puppies]
It must be the first of the month. It's Bill Board Day!!!
He he he ... clowns_are_funny.
Lisa : Vow! good aim, dad!
Homer : Thanks, it was my major. [Homer passing Clowns College degree].
[Homer impersonating Krusty, the clown]
He [Chief Wiggum] didn't give me the ticket. This is an intriguing development!
Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radio-active men?
At times like these, I wish I were a religious man. [comet toward Springfield]
Flanders, you're the only useless person here. If anybody should leave, it is you. [from Flanders' bomb shelter due to comet scare]
[Lisa is restless due to teachers' strike]
I know. This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
I've just had enough of your Vasser bashing, young lady .
Marge, the cop : You have the right to remain silent.
Homer : I choose to waive that right. Awh ... Awh ... [yells]
Homer : Marge, do you think I am intelligent?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say Yes? Am I stupid?
Marge : ... ... ... ... No ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! Why did it take so long for you to say No? Were you humoring me?
Marge : ... ... ... ... Yes ...
Homer : Okay. [goes to sleep] ... Wait a minute! That is bad ...
Nonononono, guys ... I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruity".
[Home and Marge are asleep in bed when a loud banging awakens them, shaking the whole house.]
Aah! It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!
Stuck-up Riverdale punks ... think they're too good for me!
[looks at ballot information]
Hmm ... I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]
Marge : Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer : Pffffft. Maps.
Homer : Marge, where's the Duff!?!
Marge : Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer : D'oh!
Marge : Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer : Don't toy with me, woman!
Ned : May the best man win.
Homer : 'May the best man win.' The mating call of the loser!
Marge : We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer : Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.
Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires?
Clerk : Five dollars, please. [car wash for Flanders]
Homer : Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price?
Clerk : Senior citizens' discount.
Homer : Pfft. Senior citizen? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that.
I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me! That's right. It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How you ask? With a phony senior discount card!
Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!
Ned : This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
Homer : Well, well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned : Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer : Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned : How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer : Wellisy, wellisy, wellisy ...
Ned : Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer : Let's do it.
Ned : So what about all this meat?
Homer : Ah, the missus will clean that up.
Homer : Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is April twentieth, same as Hitler's, so Marge must be fifty ... oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday?
Ned : Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7.
Homer : Seven, eh? [Homer places his chips on seven; the ball lands in the seven slot] Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?
Ned : How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, 'think'?
Homer : You mean Lisa?
Ned : Oh, no, I mean common sense.
Homer : Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol! You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
Ned : You threw it out the ...
Homer : Never mind, just pay attention. Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!
Ned : Look at this place. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit and I don't remember a thing!
Homer : Welcome to my world.
Homer : Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam. Or possibly scamola! We would remember if we got married.
Amber : Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo!
Ginger : Take a look at this. [she hands Homer a video]
Homer : Aw, precious memories.
[Homer and Ned get married in Las Vegas to strangers]
Homer : But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
Ned : Ginger's my wife!
Homer : Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie.
Ned : Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets?
Homer : Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [makes whip sound]
Homer : I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages.
[Homer's imagination conjures up himself lying in a hammock while Marge and the cocktail waitress chop wood and dig a hole, respectively]
Homer : Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig ...
Marge : You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you ...
Homer : I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping! -- Um, yeah ... they could bring you a beer and a lemonade.
Oh, those awful women want their omelets.
Homer : All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts ...
Ned : What's the occasion?
Homer : Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships ...
Ned : Homer!
Homer : You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
Ned : Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
Homer : Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
Ned : [sighs] What did the aliens look like?
Homer : Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway.
All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.
Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria."
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Stupid risks make life worth living.
It is better to watch things than to do them.
I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS!
Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep�in a blender.
Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice!
You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin ' for some spankerin'.
Note to self. Stop doing anything.
Florida. That's America's wang.
If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around.
Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.
Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.
If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back.
Sooo, how's life in the gutter? [to a broke Burns].
'Hey! You know what I really like about you English? Octopussy! I musta seen that film, uh, twice.
It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes.
Sideshow Bob
No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Sideshow Bob
Burns : Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers : There�s no maybe about it, sir.
Burns : Excellent.
I'm an old man. I hate everything except 'Matlock'. Ooh! that's on now!"
Abe Simpson
"You've already done enough, Nader"
Burns to Ralph Nader at the Springfield Republican Headquarters.
[Principal Skinner looting the private school]
Lisa : But, Principal Skinner, you're just stealing!
Skinner : Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!