Homer Simpson Quotes of Wisdom

HOMER SAYS

PAGE 6

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Olive oil ... asparagus ... if your mother is not so fancy, we can shop at the gas station like normal people.
Customer is always right. That's why everyone likes it.
Bagboy : We bag people have feelings, you know.
Homer : No, you don't.
Africa! They are bound to have food there.
I want to kill a lion, fight with Mohammad Ali and drive in a convertible with two happy zebras. [The Simpsons in Africa].
Here is the situation ... We are hopelessly lost and are about to drown.
You must be the most boring woman on earth. [a scientist in Africa].
Steven Wright : I finally got around to the dictionary. It seems the zebra did it. [Audience laughs].
Homer : I don't get it.
Lisa : Dad, zebra did not do it. It's just the last word in the dictionary.
Homer : I still don't get it .
Lisa : It's a joke.
Homer : A joke! he he he ... I get jokes ... he he he.
If God wanted us to eat in the church, he would have made a gluttonous day.
Gime? What is a Gime? [Reading the 'GYM' board].
Oh Agi, two months ago, I didn't know the meaning of the word dumbbell.
Sorry, I eat food only in the bar form. [Fitness freak Homer].
Bart : Wait dad, you're not risking your life just to impress me, are you?
Homer : Well ... yes.
Bart : COOL!
My dad's a disgrace just like Bart's dad ... me.
See, your mom is the steady one. That's okay in small doses. Me ... I am the risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures.
Just remember, never be afraid to live your life on the edge ... Now let's get home before your mother kills us.
Oh! it's a gum with a cracker center.
Helper monkey, eh?
Oh no, I am not handicapped. I am just lazy.
Marge : The monkey is on my part of the sofa.
Homer : Marge, he is just marking his territory.
Look at those morons! I paid my taxes a year ago.
I have a TO-DO pile?!?
Marge : They want you to spy on your friends?
Homer : Not spy, squeal.
Homer : Does this make me look fat? [with a tape recorder strapped to his stomach to spy for the govt.]
Lisa : No, it makes you look like a tool of govt. oppression.
Homer : But not fat?
Homer : Any illegal activities here?
Response 1 : You mean like the time you made moonshine in your basement?
Response 2 : Or like the telemarketing scam you pulled.
Homer : Yeah like that, but involving any of you.
Moe : Lenny, like you beat up president Bush?
Homer : That was me ... grrrrrhhh ... I'll do it again.
[Homer, Burns and Smithers are fleeing from the govt. with the trillion dollar bill in a helicopter
Smithers : Wait, we're on the international waters now.
Homer : Ooh hoo! we can gamble now. [throws dice in the backseat].
You're going to love Cuba, Marge. They've got shredded pork everywhere .
Mr Burns, I think we can trust the PRESIDENT of CUBA!!!
Burns : If loving one's country is a crime, I am guilty of that. If stealing a trillion dollar bill from our govt. and handing it to the communist Cuba is a crime, then I am guilty of it. If bribing a jury is a crime, then help me, I'll soon be guilty of that too.
Homer : [gets up and salutes] God bless America!
Marge : Homer, didn't John seem a little ... festive to you?
Homer : Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.
Marge : He prefers the company of men!
Homer : Who doesn't?
I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.
Homer : I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with.
aliens Kang and Kodos : Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
Marge, whatever happens in the future, tell me you won't vote for Lenny. [Midlife crisis for Homer].
Marge : You made ME happy.
Homer : They won't put my face on a stamp for that.
They won't let me into the big people library there. Apparently there was some unpleasant incident. [Homer researching in the children's library].
Oh! that is why I have not accomplished anything. I should be like Thomas Edison!
Homer : Ordinary people like you look at this table and see just a table. Inventors like me look at this table and see all kinds of things.
Marge : Homer, that's our dryer.
Homer : Awh!!! my papers!!!
You kids are no help at all. Go to your rooms and spank yourselves. [ideas for invention].
Scientist : You find something people need and invent something to satisfy that need.
Homer : like ...
Scientist : Or take something that exists and find a new use for it.
Homer : HAMBURGER EARMUFFS!!!
Bart : I though you loved Edison.
Homer : Ah! to hell with him.
Look Marge, I tied the tie all by myself.
Marge : The fear of getting caught is a turn-on.
Homer : There's the dirty girl I married. Come on, I have a disgusting idea.
I always say a boy can learn more at an airport than at any school.
Movementarians : Would you like to enjoy a free weekend at our resort?
Homer : Free weekend, eh? How much are you charging for it?
Movementarians : It is FREE, sir.
Homer : But how much is it going to cost?
Movementarians : It is FREE, sir.
Homer : Just what are you charging for this free weekend?
Lisa : We toil in the fields and the leader drives around in a Rolls Royce?
Homer : Eh! it will be nice if he buys American. What are you going to do? [the whole family in the Movementarian compound].
Marge : This is ridiculous. We are already married.
Homer : But we are not MASS-MARRIED!
This beans is more delicious than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.
Marge, you are the leader?!?! You don't look anything like the beans.
I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. They chose me. I am just a vessel through which the genius flows.
[Homer middle name episode].
Homer : NO, Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.
Marge : You've lied many times on our mortgage forms.
Homer : Marge , they all fall in the same line of lies. I am a grown man. I deserve a middle name.
Profits, profits, profits! what kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave.
I don't have the discipline to be a hippie.
Marge : Does this mean you are going to shower again?
Homer : ... perhaps ... in time.
Marge : Can't you just pull that out?
Doctor : I am a doctor, not a gardner.
Homer : Can you atleast pluck some leaves so that I can watch TV? [A plant stuck in Homer's forehead in a fight between Homer, the hippie and the police].
If it has a toothpick in it, it is FREE!
Marge : Homey, you made breakfast.
Homer : Nothing is good enough for my sweety. [then feeds the eggs and bacon to the lobster in the fish tank]. ... Eat eat ... you are all skin and bones.
See ... together we weigh 300 lbs. According to my driver's licence, I weigh 130 lbs. That means you weigh ... ... 460 lbs. Oh! good! [Homer with his pet lobster].
Homer : Do we have to listen to you?
Guide : No, but if you have any interest in History, ...
Homer : I don't ... [walks away - in the Ghost town].
What is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
They put us on the waiting list for 'Waiting to exhale'. But they told us not to hold our breath. [Homer and Bart getting some action videos].
They are singing, Theya are singing, Marge,
Wait ... wait ... here comes Marvin. He is always drunk and violent.
[Homer in front of the refrigerator with an upset stomach].
O! I'll never eat chili again. Ooh! Chili!!!
Apu : Who is your favorite indian folk singer?
Homer : Oh! don't make me choose.
Apu and Manjula are fighting].
Marge : Let's go.
Homer : No, I don't want to miss a word.
Marge : We don't understand anything.
Homer : I think I am picking up. Shala seems to mean 'jerk' ... Manjula seems to mean some kind of spaceship.
She is not going to leave you before the Valentine's Day. It's like going to ... before the plane crash. [Apu and Manjula].
It's easy to blame myself. It's even easier to blame Apu. He is making us all look bad. [about romancing the spouse].
Marge : I am going to snuggle your brains out.
Homer : I think I have a collapsed lung ... but Okay. [after the skywriting adventure/mishap].
Lisa : Why didn't you use YOUR room?
Homer : It didn't occur to me. My brain does not work in a crisis. [using Lisa's room for Omni cell phone company after the Bill of Rights destruction].
Doctor : The best medicine for stress is laughter. You should chuckle.
Lisa : I am not the chuckling type.
Homer : That's true. I am always making funny noises and she never chuckles.
Lisa, guess who won the pen-clicking contest? Bart said it was stupid and stopped and I won!
Karma ceuticals woman : Namaste!
Homer : And booga booga to you too.
Karma ceuticals woman : This is the sensory depravation tank. It blocks all the external stimuli that bombards our souls.
Homer : Can you pee in it?
I never thought I will say this about TV. But this is a stupid show!. Aw! police cops!!!
Homer : There is the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.
Bart : Isn't it the wrong way?
Homer : Yes, but faster.
That's the way Max Power is - decisive, confident and rude.
Marge : Vow, President Clinton!!! I feel like Cinderella.
Homer : Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song.
Homer : It is spelled M-A-X-P-O-W-
Woman : Monograms are just initials, sir.
Homer : Max Power does not abbreviate. Each letter is as important as the one that precedes it ... may be more important.
Homer : This is the worst party ever.
Marge : No, remember that New Year party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock! You can't blame them for having social conscience.
Homer : Those no good do-gooders.
Oh crap! it's a girl's car. I can't drive this.
Why don't they build the sunroof large enough for a hunky gentleman? [Homer being chased by the rhinos].
Oh! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all. [Homer being chased by rhinos].
... and I said to the nurse, 'you can take that free tetanus shot and shove it'.
This is the biggest steak you've got? 72-ounce steak? I thought this was a steak house, not some girly, underpanty, tinyweeny place.
What has happened to me? It's still is food and I don't want to eat it. Oh! I've become everything I've ever hated! [at the steak-eating contest at the 'Slaughter House'].
You're calling me a green horn? Who is a green horn? What is a green horn? [Slaughter House fight].
Bart : Dad, they are trying to kill us.
Homer : Oh! why all my trips have to end like this? [trucker Homer].
Grrrrh ... looks like God made you out of my sexy rib! [Adam Homer to Eve Marge].
It's not just a store, Marge. It's a MEGA STORE! Mega means good and store means thing.
Good, Mr.Burns. If it doesn't go well ... here I have some jokes about how white people are different from black people . [to enhance Burns' image].
I am not easily impressed. VOW! a blue car!!!
Aw! cereal! You know I like my breakfast fried ... chicken fried.
Homer : I want a brownie.
Marge : After dinner .
Homer : I want dinner.
Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge. [After Marge accidently cuts off Homer's thumb].
You want people food? I can get you people food. [chasing the dog for his severed thumb].
Okay, if the doctor asks you why you cut it off, tell him that you caught me in bed with four beautiful women. [about his severed thumb].
No, I shouldnt ... with the massive blood loss and all ... although I like an occasional beer. [at Moe's with the severed thumb].
Oh my friend, we knew this day would come. Say good bye to your brother. [to his severed thumb].
I am sorry. I thought he was a party robot. [after pouring beer into Lisa's science project robot].
Man : Somebody stole my wheels.
Homer : Thanks a lot. Now I have to walk to Shelbyville.
Air port tax 5 dollars?!? .... grrrrhhh ... waive it. [shakes his fist].
Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws.
Oh I get it. When I was crushing and killing you, I was a bad guy. Now when I have to save your lives, I am Mr.Popular.
Lenny : That's pretty much it.
Homer : Oo whoo! I am Mr.Popular! [Homer, the Paul Bunyan].
You guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus can have. [Homer the Paul Bunyan].
Lisa : Dad, you just shot a poor defenseless buffalo.
Homer : Poor, DELICIOUS buffalo. [shoots another buffalo].
Lisa : Why did you shoot another one?
Homer : Desert. [Lisa as Connie Appleseed].
Lisa : Dad, look what I found!
Homer : Vow Buffalo testicles! [eats them].
Lisa : No, they are apples.
Homer : Ah! apples? ... awk ... [spits it out].
Homer : Oh, Connie was right. I've extinguished a whole species. What have I done ... what have I done? [after shooting all the buffalos].
Bart : Dad , look there are two left.
Homer : [shoots them both] ... Oh what have I done ... what have I done?
[Homer reviews a Mel Gibson movie 'Mr.Smith goes to Washington']
Your movie was more boring than the church. All you did was yak yak yak. You did not shoot anybody. It was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing well then. Now whatever year this is, people want action.
Mel Gibson : I am getting too old for this crap.
Homer : How old are you?
Mel Gibson : Well, I've been told I could play anywhere between 28 ...
Homer : Sorry I asked.
We should have put that dog with the shifty eyes.
In that BraveHeart movie, your army mooned the enemies until they could not take it anymore.
Ron Howard : Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
Homer : Because you stopped being cute?
Something noble ... but easy.
Hai Maggi, here ... I am a teletubby. I am all man in case you heard otherwise.
See Maggi, the ocean is a lot like the bathtub ... except for the rubber duckies, you have the barakudas.
Wait, I can sink to the bottom and run to the shore. [drowned Homer].
Bart : Dad, that's a sports bra.
Homer : All I know is that finally I am getting the support I need.
The sugar cookies you are talking about ... are they real or symbolic? [Homer at Barney's AA meeting].
Anything that requires 12 steps is not worth doing.
We have newspapers above the urinals. Now we can read sports while we pee.
Lisa : You did it, Dad.
Homer : You can't prove it.
Lisa : No, you saved our lives, Dad. [Drunken Homer].
I wanted to fire Marge every day ... you know ... just to shake things up. [Behind the laughter - Homer's My Funny Family].
Lisa : Dad , I am tired. Aren't there child labor laws?
Homer : Who told you about them? Was it Marge? [Homer's My Funny Family].
I want to see them fire a guerilla out of a canon. [circus].
Ooh! cushy! [Burns' car].
Dear God, give the bald guy a break. Amen.
There's nothing wrong with crab grass. It's just got a bad name.
I am not perfect like that Flanders. [sarcasm].
Oh yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week. [at the miniature golf course].
Because sometimes to feel good about yourself is by making someone else feel bad. I am tired of making others feel good about themselves.
Homer : Now Bart, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Everyday you should spend 15 minutes staring at it and hating him. Then you'll feel good when you and Charlene annihilate him at the tournament.
Bart : Who is Charlene?
Homer : Stop asking questions and start hating.
Lisa : Oatmeal, the official meal of the Kentucky Derby.
Homer : Lisa, newsflash ... Bart is not a horse.
Homer : Bart, come on, come on. If you lose, you're out of the family.
Marge : HOMER!
It's a small price to pay to humiliate you. [to Ned Flanders on the miniature golf tournament between Bart and Todd].
I always knew you'll change the world ... ... for the better. [to Marge] .
Ned : This guy wants to hook me up with illegal cable.
Homer : What's the world coming to? ... Got to go.[runs after the cable truck] ... STOP!
Lisa : Dad, are you sure this is legal?
Homer : Read the pamphlet, Lisa. [illegal cable].
How can such a small installation bring so much happiness? [illegal cable].
Bart, you can't watch that channel. It's for mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
Lisa is so moral. Why can't she be more like Bart?
Sorry to interrupt your JUDGING me. I have two things to say. One, I'll disconnect the cable after this fight is over. Two, I am not fond of any of you.
We are moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. [Santa's little helper at Obedience school].
Marge : He should be honest, caring, well-off and better hair.
Homer : Hey! why should she have a better husband than you do? [a man for Selma].
A good man is REALLY hard to find.
[scanning Principal Skinner for Selma]
PROS : uses big words, well-groomed.
CONS : possible homer sexual.
If you get married, you'll go for a girl, right? [asking Skinner for Selma].
Marge : Don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea, right, Homer?
Homer : O yeah, plenty of fish in the sea ... [whispers] ... but too little bait.
Barney, I've to find a man for my wife's big, fatty, snotty sister Selma.
And thank you for the nuclear power which is yet to cause one fatal accident ... ... at least in this country.
No talking ... no pantomime either.
Homer : Wow [cry] ... You kept me. That means you love me more.
Abe : Interesting theory!
I know he could be anywhere. That's why I want you to narrow it down for me. [searching for his long-lost half brother Herbert].
Homer : These are my children, Bart, Lisa and Maggi.
Herb : All born in wedlock, right?
Homer : Yes, although Bart was a close call.
Herb : I want you to design a car for me. I'll pay you 200,000 dollars a year.
Homer : And I want to let you.
Ow! 435 pounds! ... ow! 55 ... ow! 260 pounds! I am a big fat baby!
Why do I have to start my diet on porkchops night?
With God as my witness, I'll always be hungry(?) again.
[threat to kill Bart]
Marge : This looks like YOUR handwriting.
Homer : Oh! I put that when he somehow put a tattoo on my back. [shows his 'wide load' tattoo on his butt].
Homer : I believe I had a hat.
[a hat is thrown at him].
Homer : SUCKERS!
This is not about spite, Lisa. This is about revenge and getting back at that traitor Moe. [after being thrown out of Moe's and starting a bar in his garage]
Lenny : How did you get the REM to perform in your garage?
Homer : I told them it was for a benefit. They think they are saving the rain forest.
Lisa : You think the turkey is going to come and get on the plate?
Homer : I would. [for hunting license].
Turkeys ... the only smart animals than man.
Homer : Hey who invited the hippy?
Lisa : I did. You owe them for the eco fraud.
Homer : Alright, but I am NOT saving the rain forest.
Moe : How do you know that Chinese are spying on us?
Homer : I naturally assumed.
Moe : Hey, I got to pay for that.
Homer : Moe, you got it wrong. People buy beer from YOU! [playing with the beer tap at Moe's].
It's not fair. Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bar tender, everything is snatched away. [in charge of Moe's] .
Cecil's a girl's name. [teasing Moe's employee].
Aw! hex town ... where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming over-fed lazy americans!
So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.
Marge : The gypsy said horrible things will happen to those you love, Homer. That means your family.
Homer : Are you coming on to me?
Marge : No, I am not. Good Night! Sheesh!
Bart : You could be in the freak show!
Homer : Don't talk to the bearded lady like that. [after Marge grows a beard because of the gypsy curse].
Homer : Everything turned out alright.
Marge : Alright? Bart is dead.
Homer : Me saying sorry will not bring him back.
Marge : Gypsy said it would.
Homer : She is not the boss of me.
Trusting every aspect of our lives with a giant computer is the smartest thing I ever did. [Pierce Brosnan as the ultra house-keeping machine].
Robot : Marge is a nice woman. You are a lucky guy.
Homer : Yeah, I knocked her up, but she stuck with me. Now it's till death do us part. When I die, she will be free of men and machine.
Marge : Homer, you're alive!
Homer : Yes. man 1 machine 0. How do you like THAT score?
Wait a minute, just because I am wearing a pink shirt, it doesn't mean that I'm a ... pink donut eater.
Homer : Marge, will you fill out this form for me?
Marge : This is an intimate psychological profile. You should do it.
Homer : May be I'll ask Lisa to do it.
Psychiatrist : Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, I've concluded that you're not insane.
Homer : That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Could you give that in writing?
[The psychiatrist hands him a certificate saying that Homer Simpson IS NOT INSANE.]
Leon alias Michael Jackson : Which of us is really crazy?
Homer : NOT me. I've got this. [shows his NOT INSANE certificate].
Stock Broker : You'll get 25 dollars if you sell now.
Homer : SELL! SELL! SELL!
[At Moe's] For your information, I just made a COOL 25 dollars playing the stock market. Buy high and sell low. That's my motto. I'm going to quit my job and become ... ... the stock market guy.
I wish the candy machine was not so picky about taking beat-up dollars . ... because many of us like candies. [suggestions for the plant].
Homer : Does your money make you happy when you're blue?
Burns : Well ... yes.
Homer : Okay, bad example.
Your mother was living with her two wicked sisters. [recalling old days].
Vow! what an ending! Who would've thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father! [review on his way out of the theater].
Homer : Will you marry me?
Marge : Oh yes!
Homer : Ooh hoo! she'll marry me. In your faces, everybody.
Well ... it takes a long time for me to learn anything ... I am a goofoff. [at a job interview].
Dear Marge, you deserve the finest things in life. I can give you all that. But they'll be repossessed and I'll be hunted down like a dog.
Look at me. I am a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in that secret sauce.
Marge : Homer, do you know why I married you?
Homer : Because I knocked you up?
Marge : No, because I love you.
Ooh hoo! I got the job. I got the job. Only in America can I get a job.
Marge : Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
Homer : Mmm ... somebody will cover for me.
Homer : [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers.
Florist : What kind of flowers?
Homer : Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
Florist : Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55 a dozen.
Homer : [thinks] One, please.
Clerk : Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
Homer : Hello, this is Mr ... Sam-son.
Clerk : Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer : No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
Lisa : `Id', triple-word score!
Homer : No abbreviations.
Lisa : Not I.D., Dad `id'. It's a word!
Bart : As in "This game is stoop-id".
Bart : Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.
Homer : [grabs Bart with his left hand and a banana in his right hand] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is .
Bart : Kwyjibo. Uh ... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge : And a short temper.
Homer : I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
Bart : Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
Skinner : I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
Homer : Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
Marge : [whispers to Homer]
Homer : Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner] My wife thinks you want to pay for it.
Skinner : That's the idea.
Homer : Oh!
Marge : Your father wanted to be a policeman for some time. But they said he was too heavy.
Homer : No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
[a surprise visit from the police]
Oh! I didn't steal the copper wire. I thought they were throwing it out. Here ... you can have it.
Homer : We have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't we have two good kids?
Marge : Homer, we have three kids.
Homer : Marge, dog doesn't count as a kid?
Marge : I mean Maggi.
Homer : Oh yeah.
Homer : Come on Flanders, I don't complain about your ... ... ... mustache.
Ned : What's wrong with my mustache?
Homer : It looks like you got something to hide. [whispers] ... People are talking ... lots of people.
Well Marge , self-improvement has always been a passion of mine.
Oh Marge! have we had one conversation in which you didn't bring up your hero, Mr.Flanders?
[Bart answering Ms.Krappbal's personal ad as "Mr. Woodrow Wilson]
Homer : Bart, go to school and tell Ms.Krappabal the truth.
Marge : Homer, that will only humiliate her.
Homer : I told him that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
[a letter to Ms.Krappbal]
Marge : How to end this letter?
Homer : How about 'with love that echoes through the ages.'?
You don't understand Marge, the lottery is the only REAL hope in my otherwise unbearable life.
Okay money ... mmm honey.
[on the phone]
Bart, quick, I need a lucky number, how old are you? ... what's your birthday? ... what's your sister's birthday? ... you don't know your own sister's birthday? what kind of a brother are you?
Bart, the doggie heaven is full of dog bones. You can't turn around without sniffing a dog's butt.
Bart : Is there a doggie hell?
Homer : Of course there is. If there is a doggie heaven, there has to be a hell.
Bart : What dogs go THERE
Homer : Mmm ... Hitler's dog, that dog Nixon had, what's his name, checks?
Lisa : Checkers.
Homer : Mmmm ... that and one of the Lassies is also there, I think.
[to Santa's Little Helper]
I know you don't understand me. But you're a lousy dog and I hate you.
[in the parking lot]
Marge : It says 'compact size only'.
Homer : Marge, it's only a SUGGESTED car size. [squeezes his car in that spot].
[in a movie ... helicopter]
Oh! that submarine is SO fake.
Vow! my concert-going shirt still fits! ... and here's where I used to hide my beer. [there's an old beer can in the jacket pocket].
Some of the best times I've had were at the backseat of my car ... he he he. [reminices eating pizza in the backseat].
Homer : Now boy, we spent a lot of money on this [guitar]. So you better get real good real fast. ... orelse POW! [fist action].
Marge : Homer!
Homer : What? we are supposed to encourage him.
Okay, he can stay here. But I get to treat him like garbage. [Otto, the bus driver living in Homer's garage].
[A tape recording showing Marge giving permission for Otto's stay in the garage].
Homer : Marge, what were you thinking?
Marge : That is not my voice.
Homer : Oh sure. That's what everybody says when they hear their voices on tape.
This is not Happy Days and he is not Fonzi. [Otto, the bus driver].
Note on a jar : 'Homer's change. DON'T TOUCH'.
Finally you're going back to where you came from ...(?) of Flanders' house. [to a broken couch].
Wait a minute. I am not going to sign anything until I read it or someone gives me a zist of it.
Homer : I miss my couch.
Boxer : I know how you feel. I lost my Heavy Weight Championship title.
Homer : Pfft ... Heavy Weight Championship? ... there are a million of those. This was one of a kind.
Singing again? ... I wish I was dead. [Flanders singing].
Herbert : Sorry Homer, I am still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face.
Homer : While you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the ass?
I feel so empty, lonely, couchless. VOW? spinemelter 2000!!!
Herbert : How about giving a broken man a second chance?
Homer : Nah!
Herbert : I want to give you a 20-minute presentation which could change the world!
Homer : 20 MINUTES?!?!?!
Homer : Okay, Herbert. I'll loan you that 2000 dollars. But you have to forgive me and treat me like your brother.
Herbert : NO.
Homer : Okay, then give me that drinking bird. [a toy].
I gave him all that money and he still treats me like something he dug out of his ear.
[Herbert gives gifts to the whole family].
Homer : What do I get? What do I get? If it's a punch in the face, I don't want it.
When you're 18, you're out the door.
See .. . 'D' changes to 'B' easily. You got greedy. [to Bart who changed his grades from 'D' to 'A']
Marge, since the kids left [to Kamp Krusty], I lost 50 pounds! Look, a new hair! I am this close to a comb-over ... grrrrhhhh ...
[watching TV news about a problem at Kamp Krusty]
Don't be the boy ... D'OH!
Vow! a baby AND a free burger! This can be the best day of my life!
Ned : Hello, my name is Ned Flanders. Friends call me Ned.
Homer : Hello Flanders!
Marge : This book says Bart may be jealous of the baby.
Homer : Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt! [Lisa's birth]
Bart : I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby
Marge : No, she is too small. [Lisa]
Homer : Here, you can hold my beer. [places the can on Bart's head].
Aw! white gold! [snow in Mr.Plow]
Forget it, Flanders. I don't want your phony baloney job. But I'll take your money. [Mr.Plow]
Woman : Could you please see that my asphalt is not scratched.
Homer : Kiss my asphalt. [murmurs]
When two best friends work together as partners, even God himself cannot stop them.
[Homer and Barney in snow plowing business]
Lisa's age 7 to 9! [beauty contest]
[at the beauty contest]
Lisa : Hai, I am Lisa Simpson. I want to be Miss Springfield so that I can make Springfield a better place.
Homer : Oh Yeah! clean up this stinkhole! [in the audience]
Homer : Bless you boys! [tears]
Marge : Homer, they are ice cream boys.
Homer : I know.
Lisa : Dad, do you remember why you let me join the beauty pagent?
Homer : Was I drunk?
Lisa : No, you wanted to make me feel good about myself.
Homer : Will you remember this when I wreck your life next time?
[Homer skipping church on a Sunday]
I am wizzing with the door open and I love it!
Oh! well ... can't win'em all.
Homer : Marge, I am never going to church again.
Marge : Are you giving up your faith?
Homer : No no no no no no no no no no no no ... well ... yes.
[about his dream about God]
I know that was special because I usually dream about naked ... [looks at Marge] ... ... ... Marge.
Boy! everyone is stupid except me! [about going to church on Sundays]
Oh! fire! what do I do? what do I do?
Insurance officer : Sorry, this insurance just covers the real stuff, not made-up stuff.
Homer : That's just GREAT!
Doctor : Homer, I'm afraid you'll need a coronary bypass.
Homer : What is it in English?
Doctor : You have to have an open-heart surgery.
Homer : Cut that medical mumbo jumbo, doc.
Doctor : We'll have to cut open your ...
Homer : We need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in our savings account?
Marge : Seventeen dollars.
Homer : Are there any 40,000 dollar checks we've deposited and have not cleared yet?
[to his pastor Rev.Lovejoy]
I know I've not been a good parishner. While you're blah blahing there, I am usually duelling and secretly undressing the female parishners. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?
[to a rabbi]
I know I've not been a good jew. But I rented 'fiddler on the roof'. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?
[to hindu sage/priest]
I know I've not been a good ... ... forget it.
[Homer in the hospital for a coronary bypass]
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
[at the hospital]
Ned : Homer, if I could give you my heart, I would.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.
TV : Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Homer : May be.
TV : Are you sitting on your couch in front of the tv ...
Homer : What's it to you?
TV : Are you on to your 3rd beer of the evening?
Homer : Does whiskey count as beer?
Marge : Homer, there is a family of possums, here!
Homer : I call the big one 'spikey'.
I left my cars in there. Get a rod.
[after saving the monorail disaster]
Bart : Dad, you're a hero!
Homer : Yes son, I am the greatest monorail thingy guy that ever was!
[about 'A streetcar named desire' play starring Marge as Blanche and Ned Flanders as Stanley]
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there frontal nudity?
Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman ha ha ha. [about Marge's aunt]
[a 10-foot sandwich]
Marge : You've been eating it for a week. The mayonaisse in it is starting to turn.
Homer : Two more feet and it will fit in the fridge.
Come to Homerceles!
Selma : Homer, how do you do it?
Homer : I ... I hold her like this ...
Selma : No, I mean raising kids.
Marge : Don't forget, you have to pick up Bart.
Homer : I'm on my way ... he he he. [he is solving the puzzle on 'wheel of fortune' on TV] ... What did you say, Marge?
[Homer taking a bath trying to remember what he forgot]
Homer : What the hell was I supposed to do?
Homer's brain : Pick up Bart, pick up Bart, pick up Bart.
Homer : Who the hell is Picabar?
[Homer remembers to pick up Bart and gets out of the bathtub and runs naked into the street]
Ned Flanders : Hey Homer, I can see your doodles.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.
[the big brother episode]
Homer : Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart : Father-son picnic.
Homer : Okay, have a good time. ... [thinks] ... Wait a minute.
[Homer gets his own "son" to avenge Bart]
Homer : And I press this button and the door opens like magic.
[the garage door gets stuck]
Peppi : Why is it stuck?
Homer : [kicking the door] Because it's a stupid piece of junk.
Peppi : What are those star constellations?
Homer : That one is Jerry, the cowboy ... and the different looking thing there is Salid(?), the cowboy.
Peppi : I love you, papa Homer.
Homer : I love you, Pepsi.
Peppi : Peppi.
Bart : Homer, where is my skate?
Homer : I gave it to Peppi.
Bart : Who the hell is Peppi?
Homer : He is my little brother. You're not the only one who can use a non-profit organization.
Big Brother to Bart : Bart, you should not talk to strangers.
Homer : For your information, I am his father.
Big Bro : That drunken gambler?
Homer : [smiling] ... yeah and who might YOU be?
He he he ... a grisly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a ...
[at the Monopoly game]
Bart : You seem to be a little light there, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Bart, you know I'm good for it.
Bart : I would like to trust you Dad, but you've been to jail 3 times.
Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.
Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.
Liquor drunkens me.
Sitting on the bed, eh?
Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].
You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A miscount in the census, Marge.
Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].
Marge : Come on inside. We can talk.
Homer : About what? sports? bigamy?
There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.
Your father traded our tools for M&Ms again
- Marge
Screw this. I am converting. O! You Almighty Re!
[Millhouse in the Adam-Eve episode - exodus].
I don't need anyone to tell me what to think ... anyone LIVING.
Ned Flanders
You're not as stupid as you look, or sound as our best testing indicates.
Burns
Marge : Mmm ... sugar-free donut!
Apu : No , it's sugar, wheat-free donut.
You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to Bart
We can't afford to shop in any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV.
Marge