to pay for it.
Skinner : That's the idea.
Homer : Oh!Marge : Your father
wanted to be a policeman for some time. But they said he was too heavy.
Homer : No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said
I was too dumb.[a surprise visit from the police]
Oh! I didn't steal the copper wire. I thought they were throwing it out. Here ... you can have it.Homer : We have one good kid and one
lousy kid. Why can't we have two good kids?
Marge : Homer, we have
three kids.
Homer : Marge, dog doesn't count as a kid?
Marge : I
mean Maggi.
Homer : Oh yeah.Homer : Come on Flanders, I
don't complain about your ... ... ... mustache.
Ned : What's wrong
with my mustache?
Homer : It looks like you got something to hide.
[whispers] ... People are talking ... lots of people.Well Marge
, self-improvement has always been a passion of mine.Oh Marge!
have we had one conversation in which you didn't bring up your hero,
Mr.Flanders?[Bart answering Ms.Krappbal's personal ad as "Mr. Woodrow Wilson]
Homer : Bart, go to school and tell Ms.Krappabal the truth.
Marge : Homer, that will only humiliate her.
Homer :
I told him that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
[a letter to Ms.Krappbal]
Marge : How to end this letter?
Homer : How about 'with love that echoes through the ages.'?You don't understand Marge, the lottery is the only REAL hope
in my otherwise unbearable life.Okay money ... mmm honey.
[on the phone]
Bart, quick, I need a lucky number, how old are you? ... what's your birthday? ... what's your sister's birthday?
... you don't know your own sister's birthday? what kind of a brother
are you?Bart, the doggie heaven is full of dog bones. You can't turn around without sniffing a dog's butt.Bart : Is there
a doggie hell?
Homer : Of course there is. If there is a doggie heaven, there has to be a hell.
Bart : What dogs go THERE
Homer
: Mmm ... Hitler's dog, that dog Nixon had, what's his name, checks?
Lisa : Checkers.
Homer : Mmmm ... that and one of the Lassies is also there, I think.[to Santa's Little Helper]
I know you don't understand me. But you're a lousy dog and I hate you.
[in the parking lot]
Marge : It says 'compact size only'.
Homer
: Marge, it's only a SUGGESTED car size. [squeezes his car in that spot].[in a movie ... helicopter]
Oh! that submarine is SO fake.Vow! my concert-going shirt still fits! ... and here's
where I used to hide my beer. [there's an old beer can in the jacket pocket].Some of the best times I've had were at the backseat of
my car ... he he he. [reminices eating pizza in the backseat].
Homer : Now boy, we spent a lot of money on this [guitar]. So you
better get real good real fast. ... orelse POW! [fist action].
Marge : Homer!
Homer : What? we are supposed to encourage him.
Okay, he can stay here. But I get to treat him like garbage.
[Otto, the bus driver living in Homer's garage].[A tape recording showing Marge giving permission for Otto's stay in the garage].
Homer : Marge, what were you thinking?
Marge : That is
not my voice.
Homer : Oh sure. That's what everybody says when they
hear their voices on tape.This is not Happy Days and he is not
Fonzi. [Otto, the bus driver].Note on a jar : 'Homer's change.
DON'T TOUCH'.Finally you're going back to where you came from
...(?) of Flanders' house. [to a broken couch].Wait a minute. I
am not going to sign anything until I read it or someone gives me a
zist of it.Homer : I miss my couch.
Boxer : I know how you
feel. I lost my Heavy Weight Championship title.
Homer : Pfft ...
Heavy Weight Championship? ... there are a million of those. This was
one of a kind.Singing again? ... I wish I was dead. [Flanders
singing].Herbert : Sorry Homer, I am still mad at you. Every
word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face.
Homer :
While you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the ass?
I feel so empty, lonely, couchless. VOW? spinemelter 2000!!!
Herbert : How about giving a broken man a second chance?
Homer : Nah!Herbert : I want to give you a 20-minute presentation which could change the world!
Homer : 20 MINUTES?!?!?!
Homer : Okay, Herbert. I'll loan you that 2000 dollars. But you
have to forgive me and treat me like your brother.
Herbert : NO.
Homer : Okay, then give me that drinking bird. [a toy].I
gave him all that money and he still treats me like something he dug
out of his ear.[Herbert gives gifts to the whole family].
Homer : What do I get? What do I get? If it's a punch in the face, I
don't want it.When you're 18, you're out the door.See ..
. 'D' changes to 'B' easily. You got greedy. [to Bart who changed his
grades from 'D' to 'A']Marge, since the kids left [to Kamp Krusty], I lost 50 pounds! Look, a new hair! I am this close to a
comb-over ... grrrrhhhh ...[watching TV news about a problem at
Kamp Krusty]
Don't be the boy ... D'OH!Vow! a baby AND a free burger! This can be the best day of my life!Ned : Hello, my name is Ned Flanders. Friends call me Ned.
Homer : Hello Flanders!Marge : This book says Bart may be jealous of the baby.
Homer : Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt! [Lisa's birth]
Bart : I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby
Marge : No, she is too small. [Lisa]
Homer : Here, you can hold my beer. [places the can on Bart's head].Aw! white gold! [snow in Mr.Plow]Forget
it, Flanders. I don't want your phony baloney job. But I'll take your
money. [Mr.Plow]Woman : Could you please see that my asphalt is
not scratched.
Homer : Kiss my asphalt. [murmurs]When two
best friends work together as partners, even God himself cannot stop
them.
[Homer and Barney in snow plowing business]Lisa's age 7 to 9! [beauty contest][at the beauty contest]
Lisa : Hai,
I am Lisa Simpson. I want to be Miss Springfield so that I can make
Springfield a better place.
Homer : Oh Yeah! clean up this stinkhole! [in the audience]Homer : Bless you boys! [tears]
Marge : Homer, they are ice cream boys.
Homer : I know.
Lisa : Dad, do you remember why you let me join the beauty pagent?
Homer : Was I drunk?
Lisa : No, you wanted to make me feel good about myself.
Homer : Will you remember this when I wreck your life next time?[Homer skipping church on a Sunday]
I am wizzing with the door open and I love it!Oh! well ... can't win'em all.Homer : Marge, I am never going to church again.
Marge : Are you giving up your faith?
Homer : No no no no no no no no no no no no ... well ... yes.[about his dream about God]
I know that was special because I usually dream about naked ... [looks at Marge] ... ... ... Marge.Boy! everyone is stupid except me! [about going to church on Sundays]Oh! fire! what do I do? what do I do?Insurance officer : Sorry, this insurance just covers the real stuff, not made-up stuff.
Homer : That's just GREAT!Doctor : Homer, I'm afraid you'll need a coronary bypass.
Homer : What is it in English?
Doctor : You have to have an open-heart surgery.
Homer : Cut that medical mumbo jumbo, doc.
Doctor : We'll have to cut open your ...Homer : We need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in our savings account?
Marge : Seventeen dollars.
Homer : Are there any 40,000 dollar checks we've deposited and have not cleared yet?[to his pastor Rev.Lovejoy]
I know I've not been a good parishner. While you're blah blahing there, I am usually duelling and secretly undressing the female parishners. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?[to a rabbi]
I know I've not been a good jew. But I rented 'fiddler on the roof'. Now can I have 40,000 dollars?[to hindu sage/priest]
I know I've not been a good ... ... forget it.[Homer in the hospital for a coronary bypass]
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
The bed goes up ... the bed goes down.
[at the hospital]
Ned : Homer, if I could give you my heart,
I would.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.TV : Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Homer : May be.
TV : Are you sitting on your couch in front of the tv ...
Homer : What's it to you?
TV : Are you on to your 3rd beer of the evening?
Homer : Does whiskey count as beer?Marge : Homer, there is a family of possums, here!
Homer : I call the big one 'spikey'.I left my cars in there. Get a rod.[after saving the monorail disaster]
Bart : Dad, you're a hero!
Homer : Yes son, I am the greatest monorail thingy guy that ever was![about 'A streetcar named desire' play starring Marge as Blanche and Ned Flanders as Stanley]
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there frontal nudity?Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman ha ha ha. [about Marge's aunt][a 10-foot sandwich]
Marge : You've been eating it for a week. The mayonaisse in it is starting to turn.
Homer : Two more feet and it will fit in the fridge.Come to Homerceles!Selma : Homer, how do you do it?
Homer : I ... I hold her like this ...
Selma : No, I mean raising kids.Marge : Don't forget, you have to pick up Bart.
Homer : I'm on my way ... he he he. [he is solving the puzzle on 'wheel of fortune' on TV] ...
What did you say, Marge?[Homer taking a bath trying to remember
what he forgot]
Homer : What the hell was I supposed to do?
Homer's brain : Pick up Bart, pick up Bart, pick up Bart.
Homer :
Who the hell is Picabar?[Homer remembers to pick up Bart and
gets out of the bathtub and runs naked into the street]
Ned Flanders : Hey Homer, I can see your doodles.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.[the big brother episode]
Homer : Hey boy, where
are you going?
Bart : Father-son picnic.
Homer : Okay, have a
good time. ... [thinks] ... Wait a minute.[Homer gets his own
"son" to avenge Bart]
Homer : And I press this button and the door opens like magic.
[the garage door gets stuck]
Peppi : Why is it
stuck?
Homer : [kicking the door] Because it's a stupid piece of
junk.Peppi : What are those star constellations?
Homer :
That one is Jerry, the cowboy ... and the different looking thing there is Salid(?), the cowboy.Peppi : I love you, papa Homer.
Homer : I love you, Pepsi.
Peppi : Peppi.Bart : Homer,
where is my skate?
Homer : I gave it to Peppi.
Bart : Who the
hell is Peppi?
Homer : He is my little brother. You're not the only
one who can use a non-profit organization.Big Brother to Bart
: Bart, you should not talk to strangers.
Homer : For your information, I am his father.
Big Bro : That drunken gambler?
Homer : [smiling] ... yeah and who might YOU be?
He he he ... a grisly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a ...[at the Monopoly game]
Bart : You seem to be a little light there, Homer.
Homer : Come on, Bart, you know I'm good for it.
Bart : I would like to trust you Dad, but you've been to jail 3 times.Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.
Liquor drunkens me.Sitting on the bed, eh?Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A miscount in the census, Marge.
Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].
Marge : Come on inside. We can talk.
Homer : About what? sports? bigamy?There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.
Your father traded our tools for M&Ms again
- MargeScrew this. I am converting. O! You Almighty Re!
[Millhouse in the Adam-Eve episode - exodus].
I don't need anyone to tell me what to think ... anyone LIVING.
Ned FlandersYou're not
as stupid as you look, or sound as our best testing indicates.
BurnsMarge : Mmm ... sugar-free donut!
Apu : No
, it's sugar, wheat-free donut.You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to BartWe can't afford to shop in any store that
has a philosophy. We just need a TV.
Marge