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CONAN 1
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"The New York Taxi Commission has asked cab drivers to be more
polite. In response to the request, New York City cab drivers
said, `Bite me.'"
"Yesterday, scientists announced that they've discovered a cure
for male impotence. They said, `It's in syndication and it's
produced by David Hasselhoff.'"
"New statistics show that last year the number of murders in the
U.S. fell by 8 percent. Unfortunately, that may not be accurate
since the number of pollsters murdered went up by 25 percent."
"Last night Russian President Boris Yeltsin called President
Clinton and they talked on the phone for over 20 minutes.
Apparently, Yeltsin wanted to know whether Ross is still going
out with Rachel."
"A new study shows that the treadmill is the exercise device
which burns the most calories. The study was conducted by George
Jetson."
"Last night, Bob Dole announced he's going to make more of an
effort to appeal to women. I think he's going a little too far
though; today he started stuffing his pants." "A new study by the
American Medical Association shows that having sex does not
trigger a heart attack -- it's getting caught having sex that
triggers the heart attack."
"Shooting on Brad Pitt's new movie was halted because Brad Pitt
is suffering from an outbreak of cold sores. Female crew members
who work on the set said the cold sores look absolutely
adorable."
"Today, President Clinton videotaped testimony that was shown at
the Whitewater Trial. The first thing Clinton did was to remind
the jurors that the camera adds 10 pounds."
"Today is Mike Wallace's birthday. His friends surprised him with
a party and then he surprised them with allegations of financial
misconduct."
"Michael Jackson announced today that he is canceling all his
concerts in Germany because he doesn't want to pay what he
considers a really high tax. Apparently, the Germans don't
consider Webster a dependent."
"Yesterday, Bob Dole attacked President Clinton's record on
foreign policy. Dole said, `When I'm in charge, I'll show the
Kaiser a thing or two.'"
"The new addition of Webster's dictionary is out and they've
added the word gazillion. Under the definition it says, `See Bill
Gates.'"
"Sunday is Mother's Day -- the day we traditionally thank the
mothers of children who work in sweatshops.
"Yesterday, a Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover
one-third of their buttocks. Now, if only they could pass the
same law for the cable guys, we'd be in great shape."
"United Airlines is being criticized because several passengers
have found insects and glass in their food. A spokesman for
United said, `We have no idea how that food got in there.'"
"Yesterday, during the closing arguments of the Bernhard Goetz
trial, Goetz's lawyer called him a `jerk, a geek, and a nerd.' In
response, Goetz said, `Oh yeah, well at least I'm not a lawyer.'"
"It's spring in New York and love is in the air. Unfortunately,
it was also on the back seat of the cab I took this morning."
"The big story here in New York; Bernhard Goetz lost his civil
trial and has been ordered to pay 43 million dollars.
Unfortunately, he's so broke he's going to have to start asking
people for money on the subway."
"It was reported today that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson have
his and hers tattoos. He has one on his penis that says `I love
you Pamela,' and she has one on her breast that says `30-day
money back guarantee.'"
"Vanilla Ice announced he's putting out an album of greatest
hits. He said, `I'm not like these other people who wait until
they've had some greatest hits.'"
"Today is `Take Our Daughters to Work Day' once again. Which is a
good idea, unless you're working on the new Woody Allen film."
"It was reported today that the Fox Network will offer the
presidential candidates one hour of free air time. The only catch
is, they have to get breast implants."
"In a recent interview, Ann Landers said that when she's
reviewing all the mail she receives, she can tell immediately
which ones were sent by psychotics. They're the ones that start
off with, `Dear Ann, I'm a big fan of yours.'"
"Montel Williams will be appearing in a new public service
announcement in which he tells kids that drugs aren't the answer.
Unfortunately, he's talking about the drug Rogaine."
"According to a new study, spanking children can cause them to
misbehave even more. Meanwhile, spanking adults can earn women up
to 100 dollars an hour."
"It was reported today that the FBI has launched an investigation
to find out who stole the videotape of Tommy Lee and Pamela
Anderson having sex. Not because it's illegal, but because
President Clinton wants to see it."
"In a recent interview, `Baywatch's' Pamela Lee said that when
she was a teenager she got one breast before the other. I guess
that's all she could afford at the time."
"It was reported today that the Unabomber blames his mother for
the way he turned out. Apparently, she used to say things like,
`Go to your room and start working on your manifesto.'"
"Madonna has announced that she's pregnant and the father is her
personal trainer. Apparently, the baby was conceived during a leg
lift."
"A spokesman for Madonna said she plans on giving birth to her
child in New York. Apparently, MTV will cover the birth on a live
special called `Unplugging Madonna.'"
"In a recent interview, Charlie Sheen said he heard a voice
telling him his five-month-old marriage wouldn't last. The voice
also told him to pay in advance."
"In a recent interview, 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond says
he does 50 minutes of exercise every morning. Actually, it's what
other people call getting out of bed."
"Strom Thurmond is in trouble again -- this time for pushing a
male flight attendant after a disagreement. Thurmond explained,
`At my age, I can't put anything in the upright position.'"
"The New York State lottery will change its slogan `All You Need
Is a Dollar and a Dream,' because officials felt it was
unrealistic. The new slogan will be `All You Need Is Your Kid's
Lunch Money and a Gambling Problem.'"
"It was reported today that Madonna has not yet found out the sex
of her baby. In fact, the father of her baby says he doesn't care
if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it looks nothing like Dennis
Rodman."
"Yesterday, a computer hacker changed the New York police
department's outgoing message to say, `We're busy eating donuts
and masturbating.' Today, a police spokesman said, `Hey, we were
not eating donuts.'"
"McDonald's announced they will be adding 25 percent more beef to
their hamburgers. As a result, McDonald's hamburgers will now
feature 25 percent beef."
"A woman in California is in trouble for posing as Michael
Jackson's wife. After hearing this, Lisa Marie Presley said, `I
already tried that, it doesn't work.'"
"Over the weekend, Dan Quayle said that when he's a little older
he may run for President. He said, `Either that, or become a
cowboy.'"
___
"Over the weekend, a drunk Marine was caught trying to climb over
the fence to the White House. As a result, he'll be asked to
leave the U.S. Marines and join the American Gladiators."
___
"There's a new method of male birth control that involves
injecting men with testosterone. The only side effect is that you
start acting like Tyne Daly."
___
"Because their population has leveled off, the President of
France is urging French women to have more babies. In a related
story, tourism in France is up 800 percent."
___
"It was reported today that Cindy Crawford will get paid a
million dollars to write a book telling women how to look
beautiful. Her first tip, don't hang around Cindy Crawford."
___
"The New York City Transit Authority is going to begin installing
electronic signs in subway stations. Apparently, they'll feature
messages like, `Hey, that ain't water you're standing in.'"
___
"Former Brat Packer Judd Nelson caused a scene at a New York
strip club yesterday when he started insulting the strippers.
Apparently, he yelled, `You dance like I act.'"
___
"Yesterday, for the first time ever, Tom Brokaw wore glasses
while delivering the Nightly News. Apparently, he decided to wear
them because the day before, he opened the news by saying, `Good
evening, I'm Tim Brickman.'"
___
"Earlier tonight, "20/20" showed footage of Hugh Downs having
knee surgery. Let's all just pray that he never has problems with
his prostate."
___
"Today, Disney announced that they're buying the California
Angels. They also plan to change the team name. The new name will
be the `Disney Owns Everything Angels.'"
___
"In a recent interview, Donald Trump and Marla Maples said they
won't be having any more children. Instead, they'll be turning
Marla's uterus into an exclusive plush resort."
___
"Hugh Hefner is 70 years old today. You can kinda tell, since
next month's playmate is Angela Lansbury." "Over the weekend, one
of the Royal Family's stables burned down. Apparently, the stable
hadn't been that hot since Princess Di left."
___
"Marlon Brando is being accused of anti-Semitism after statements
he made on the Larry King Show. Today he said, `That's
ridiculous, I have several Jewish people living on me.'"
___
"Mitsubishi is being sued because an assembly line worker shot an
air hose between a female employee's legs. That woman was really
upset. However, several other women have asked the company to
include this feature in their '97 models."
___
"It was reported today that for the third time Demi Moore has had
her body painted for a magazine cover. At this point, maybe she
should think about getting aluminum siding."
___
"The other day, Jerry Garcia's remains were sprinkled into
India's Ganges River. As a result, the government of India has
warned fish in the river not to operate any heavy machinery."
___
"In response to recent tabloid photos, Princess Di said that she
doesn't have one ounce of cellulite on her legs. Apparently, like
most British, she uses the metric system."
___
"A former stripper Charlie Sheen dated rated him as only a five
in bed. On the bright side, Gene Siskel gave him a thumbs up."
___
"In an upcoming TV movie, President Clinton is going to play the
part of the President of the United States -- only because they
couldn't get Colin Powell."
___
"Because Monday is tax day, Playboy will be offering their
pay-per-view channel for free. As a result, most men will receive
an automatic extension."
___
"Ninety percent of people said they would turn in their brother
if he was the Unabomber. The other 10 percent would simply ask to
be taken off his Christmas card list."
___
"Princess Diana's trainer told reporters that Di has the best
upper thighs he's ever seen on a woman. Unfortunately, his only
other client is Tyne Daly."
"Christopher Darden has admitted that he had a very brief affair
with Marcia Clark. Apparently, it took place while the jury was
deliberating."
___
"In a recent survey 50 percent of men said that a first date is
successful if the woman calls the next day. Especially, if she
calls looking for her bra."
___
"It was reported yesterday that Princess Di is having an affair
with another horse trainer. You know what they say, if you fall
off one horse trainer; you should get right back on."
___
"For the first time ever, a tobacco company has agreed to settle
a lawsuit. An official explained, `We had to settle out of court
because you can't smoke in there.'"
___
"Dan Quayle is criticizing Hillary Clinton's new children's book.
He said, `There aren't enough pictures and the words are too
hard.'"
___
"It was reported today that Luciano Pavarotti's wife won't agree
to a divorce. She said, `It's not over 'till I sing.'"
___
"NBA player Mahoud Abdul-Raif has changed his mind and now says
he will stand for the national anthem. Unless it's being sung by
Kathie Lee Gifford."
___
"A Renoir painting of a female nude has been stolen from a French
museum. The thieves say they'll return the painting in exchange
for $3 million and one Penthouse magazine."
___
"A congressional candidate in Alabama wants his name to be listed
on the ballot as `nobody.' Election officials won't allow it, but
they will list it as `Lamar Alexander.'"
___
"Michael Jackson announced today he's going to open a chain of
theme parks. Apparently, he was disappointed when he found out
the name `Boys Town' had already been taken."
___
"While campaigning yesterday, Bob Dole said that if elected he'll
provide adult leadership. In response, President Clinton said
he'll provide adult entertainment."
___
"Kato Kaelin is suing two tabloid magazines for making phony
claims about him. Apparently, one of them claimed he was an actor
and the other one claimed he had a place to live."
___
"In Budapest an 80-year-old woman died after falling into a vat
of sauerkraut. The wake was yesterday and it was open bun."
___
"Yesterday, Michael Jackson announced that he's going to open a
chain of theme parks. Apparently you have to be this tall to ride
Michael."
___
"Yesterday, Bob Dole said he met with President Clinton and,
quote, `Everything was measured.' I wish they'd stop focusing on
their shortcomings."
___
"Bob Dole announced that he is going to pick a running mate who's
younger than he is and that he hasn't ruled anybody out. Isn't
that kind of redundant?"
___
"William Shatner turns 65 today. You can tell he's getting old,
even his toupee is going bald."
___
"Erik Menendez is claiming his original lawyer Robert Shapiro
gave him bad advice. Apparently, Shapiro forgot to tell him to
win the Heisman trophy."
"There's new computer software out that will name your baby for
you. So far the most popular boy's name is `insert disk.'"
___
"Lamar Alexander said he'll quit the race if he doesn't beat Bob
Dole in the Florida primary. Which will be tough, because polls
show that most people in Florida think Dole is a `good kid.'"
___
"In Europe, they've introduced a standardized condom called the
EuroCondom. They've also introduced a standardized female condom
called the Chunnel."
___
"The effects of yesterday's primaries are very clear. Bob Dole is
a lot closer to receiving the Republican nomination, and Pat
Buchanan is a lot closer to starting his own militia."
___
"Today, Republican candidate Richard Lugar announced he's
dropping out of the race. He said `I won't be remembered as a
loser because I won't be remembered at all.'"
___
"At the end of an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Demi
Moore does a striptease. The good news is that Barbara Walters
doesn't."
___
"Just before the New York primary, former congressman Jack Kemp
endorsed Steve Forbes. Afterwards, Kemp picked the Steelers to
win last year's Super Bowl."
___
"A stripper named Charity is claiming that Charlie Sheen paid for
her breast implants. Sheen's hoping that since he bought the
implants for Charity, they'll be tax deductible."
___
"Yesterday, while campaigning in the South, Pat Buchanan said
that `God was on his side.' After hearing this, Bob Dole said,
`That's ridiculous -- God and I grew up together.' He's got
photos actually of him and God in Little League."
___
"It was reported today that Demi Moore will shave her head for an
upcoming movie role. Apparently, she's starring in the Bruce
Willis story."
___
"Today, 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond received a standing
ovation for becoming the oldest congressman ever. Unfortunately,
during the ovation he changed into his pajamas and wandered off
into the highway."
___
"A Chicago company has begun selling pre-packaged Communion
wafers. The freshness date reads `best if used before the
apocalypse.'"
"Seventy percent of school principals think uniforms would cut
down on violence. After all, look what they've done for the post
office."
___
"The Fox network announced they're going to be offering the
presidential candidates an hour of free air time. They're going
to call it `America's Least Wanted.'"
___
" In a recent interview, Luciano Pavarotti's wife said his affair
with a 26-year-old woman could lead to a painful and dangerous
situation. Especially if he's on top."
___
"Yesterday, Princess Di announced her demands: she wants to be
single, live in a castle and be with her young boys. It really
sounds like she wants to be Michael Jackson."
___
"In a new survey, 50 percent of teachers said today's biggest
problem is that students get incorrect information from outdated
textbooks. The other 50 percent said they're not aware of a
problem, but they're sure the Nixon administration will resolve
it."
___
"To protest the treatment he's received, Republican candidate
Alan Keyes is going on a hunger strike. After hearing this,
President Clinton said, `The Republicans and I are further apart
than I thought.'"
___
"A new study reveals that the average penis is 3 1/2 inches at
rest, 6 inches when erect, and 9 in everyday conversation."
___
"Penthouse magazine reports that their circulation is down 16
percent. In related news, teenage boys report that their
circulation is down 16 percent."
___
"In a recent interview, Sonny Bono said 93-year-old Senator Strom
Thurman should retire because quote, `He's run out of gas.' In
response Thurman said, `Hey, the one thing I haven't run out of
is gas.'"
___
"Robert DeNiro is rumored to be engaged. Apparently, she proposed
and he said, `Are you talking to me?'"
___
"Since Elvis's death, believe it or not, the number of Elvis
impersonators has increased from 100 to 7500. Meanwhile, the
number of female impersonators married to Elvis' daughter
increased by one."
___
"In the Australian Senate race, one of the candidates is a
dominatrix. She plans on beating her opponents then making them
bark like dogs."
___
"A player from the New York Knicks was arrested last night after
punching a police officer. The Knicks aren't worried though,
because the cop missed both free throws."
___
"Yesterday, O.J. Simpson called an LA radio station. He didn't
win any money though because the phrase that pays was `I did
it.'"
___
"According to the Police Department, there's a new gun in New
York that looks like a cigarette lighter. The only problem is if
you want to shoot someone you have to go outside."
___
"DC Comics has announced that on Valentine's Day the comic book
character Lois Lane will break up with Superman. Apparently,
she's tired of dating a man who's faster than a speeding bullet."
___
"A new study shows that three quarters of all Americans are
overweight. In fact it's so bad, three quarters of all Americans
are now 9/10ths of all Americans."
___
"There's a new scientific study out which claims that chimps can
learn moral behavior. The first thing they learned was to stop
hanging out with Michael Jackson."
___
"The Iowa Caucus is next week and 26 percent of the voters are
undecided. Not about the candidates, about living in Iowa."
___
"The Department of Energy is about to approve a new fuel that's
half water and half gasoline. Not only is it better for the
environment, but Ted Kennedy says it's great with tonic."
___
"Yesterday, multimillionaire Steve Forbes came in fourth place in
the Iowa caucus. Afterwards, he said, `Hey, I thought I paid for
second place? What's the deal? Who do I see about this?'"
___
"There's a new soft drink coming out that's named after
`Baywatch's' Pamela Lee. And just like Pamela Lee it's fat free
and comes in a plastic container."
___
"A new study shows that bat saliva can help prevent heart
attacks. After all these years it turns out Ozzie Osborne is a
health nut."
___
"A new study by Men's Health magazine has determined that the
average man has seven sexual partners in his lifetime. The study
was conducted by asking men how many women they'd slept with and
dividing by two."
___
"Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced he wants to run for a
second term. Actually, I think his exact quote was `Make it a
double.'"
___
"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince got married at a Methodist
church in Minneapolis yesterday. It was a traditional ceremony
except when the minister said, 'You may lick the bride.'"
___
"In a sexual harassment suit, a man in Illinois was awarded two
thousand dollars after a group of women grabbed his crotch and
his behind. Apparently, he's going to use the money to pay them
to do it again."
___
"In last night's Republican debate, Lamar Alexander accused Bob
Dole of lacking vision. Dole said, 'When I find out who said that
he's in big trouble.'"
___
"In a last-ditch effort to woo New Hampshire voters, Steve Forbes
unveiled a new campaign slogan today. It's: `I can pay someone to
shovel your walk.'"
___
"Folks, there's a huge blizzard going on here in New York.
Visibility outside is near zero. Which means a lot of the studio
audience just realized they're not at `Letterman.'"
"In an interview, Lisa Marie said Michael behaved like a scared
little boy in the bedroom. Then she realized it was a scared
little boy and that Michael was in the bathroom."
___
"O.J.'s lawyers say that he won't be able to testify in the civil
case this week because of a scheduling conflict. Apparently, this
is the week that he was planning on telling the truth."
___
"Anna Nicole Smith filed for bankruptcy yesterday. She said, `I
don't even have two nipples to rub together.'"
___
"I read today in the paper that the Pope was a soccer goalie in
his youth. Apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop
people from scoring."
___
"Today is Lisa Marie Presley's birthday. You know this is the
first time I'm actually happy for someone who's spending their
birthday alone."
___
"Heidi Fleiss was on Geraldo tonight. She revealed it wasn't the
first time she's been on Geraldo."
___
"On Valentine's Day, a zoo in California is giving a tour where
you watch animals have sex. Here in New York we call it the
subway."
___
"The National Enquirer has refused to run ads for O.J.'s video
because they consider it `inappropriate' for their magazine. They
told him to call back when he kills a couple of aliens."
___
"The California legislature is considering a bill that will allow
spanking in school. In a related story, Charlie Sheen is going
back to get his diploma."
___
"It was reported today that Republicans are trying to stop
same-sex marriages. Apparently, they don't want Lisa Marie to
make the same mistake twice."
___
