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GEORGE CARLIN

George Carlin was born in New York city, May 12, 1937. He was the son of a devout Irish Catholic woman who worked very hard to support her children after the death of her husband in 1945. Carlin was an altar boy at the Catholic church, and he dropped out of school at age 17. Later he joined the US Air Force as a computer mechanic.

He started doing stand-up comedy shows in Las Vegas in early 1960s. In the 1970s, Carlin's comedy scripts began to reflect his political views toward the war in Vietnam and freedom of speech. But of course it didn't stop there, and he became very famous for his style of explosive cynicism of politics, particularly American politics. But it wasn't all politics. He has "major psychotic fucking hatreds" that he shares with his audience in stand-up comedy shows all over the country. In 1997, he published a book "Brain Droppings". You can also visit his website at: www.georgecarlin.com or you can read his biography at www.biography.com

Excerpts from "You're All Diseased"

Germs

"What we have now, is a completely neuratic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygene and germs. There's another thing: Germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from, in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections: equali, bird flu, ... and Americans panic easily, so now everybody is running around, scrubbing this and spraying that, and over-cooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It's ridiculous, and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. It's true. Well they dont wan't you to get an infection! And you can see their point, wouldn't want someone to go to hell and be sick! Would take a lot out of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. "Fear of Germs" why these fucking pussies!

You can't even get a decent hamburger any more. They cook the shit out of everything now, cuz everyone is afraid of "food poisoning". Hey, where's your sense of adventure, take a fucking chance, will ya? You know how many people die from food poisoning every year in this country? 9000, that's all. It's a minor risk. Shit! Take a fucking chance bunch of God damn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice, it needs germs to practice on. So listen, if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when a super virus comes along and turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what you're gonna do, you're gonna get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna deserve it because you're fucking weak, and you got a fucking weak immune system. God damn it!

So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I dont shy away from people who sneeze and cough, i dont wipe off the telephone, i dont cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, i pick it up and eat it. Yes I do. Even if I am at a side walk cafe, in Calcutta, the poor section, on new year's morning during a soccer riot!"

Cigars

"Alright, now listen, I have a few more items of things that are pissing me off. And this one comes in the form of a question: Haven't we had about enough of this cigar smoking shit in this country? When is this shit gonna end? When is this shit gonna go away? When are these fat arrogant overpaid overfed overprivilaged overindulged white collar business criminal asshole cocksuckers gonna put out their cigars and move along to their next abomination. White pussy businessmen sucking on a big brown dick. That's all it is. A big brown dick. Sigment Frued said a cigar is just a cigar. Oh yeah? Well sometimes it's just a big brown dick. With the fat arrogant white collar business criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it. But hey, the news is not all bad for me. You wanna know the good part? Cancer of the mouth. Good! Fuck em! Makes me happy. It's an attractive disease, goes well with a "cell phone". So light up, suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit, and blow it out your ass you fucking cocksucker!"

Blues

"... In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever. At all. Under any circumstances, ever! What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? Banana republic ran out of khakis? the espresso machine is jammed? Shit, White people ought to understand that their job is to give people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. Tell you a little secret about the blues. It's not enough to know which notes you need to play. You gotta know why they need to be played. And another thing, I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggotty polkas and waltzes, and that repulsive country lime dancing shit that you do. And be yourself. Be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor!"

Guilty white liberal racism

"There are a couple of terms that are used in connection with minorities, usually by guilty white liberals. First one is "happens to be". He happens to be Black. I have a friend who happens to be Black. Like it's a fucking accident. He had two Black parents? Yes. And they fucked? Yes yes. So where does the surprise part come in? I sbould think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandenavian. And the other term is "openly". He's openly gay. But this is the only minority they use that for. You know you wouldn't say someone is openly Black. Well maybe James Brown. Or Lewis Farakhan! Lewis Farakhan is openly Black. Collin Powell is not openly Black. Collin Powell is openly White. He just happens to be Black."

Police Sensitivity Training

"And speaking of tough guys, I'm getting a little tired of hearing that after six policemen got arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some Black guys ass, and ripping his intestints out. The police department announces they're gonna have "sensitivity training". I say: hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large cumbersome object up someone's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place. You know what they ought to do? They ought to have two new requirements for being on the police: Intelligence and decency. You never can tell, it might just work, it certainly hasn't been tried yet.

Fuck the Children

Something else i'm getting tired of ... all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. That's all you hear in this country: Help the children, what about the children, save the children. You know what I say? "Fuck the children! Fuck em". They are getting entirely too much attention. And I know what you're thinking: "Jesus! He's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes he is! He's going to attack children! I know that you single dads and soccer moms who think you are such fucking heroes are not going to like this, but some body has to tell you for your own good. Your children are over-rated and over-valued, you have turned them into little cult objects. You have child fetish. And it's not healthy.

And don't give me that weak shit: "Well, I love my children!". Fuck you! Everybody loves their children. Doesn't make you special. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media; this neuratic fixation that says somehow everything, everything!, has to revolve around children. It's completely out of balance.

Listen, there are couple of things about kids you have to remember. First of all, they are not all cute. Yeah, in fact if you look at them closely some of them are rather unpleasant looking, and some of them dont smell good either, alright? Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it the better off you're gonna be. Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people, a few winners, a whole lot of losers. There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply are not gonna go anywhere. You can't save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose. You gotta stop over-protecting them because you are making them too soft.

Today's kids are way too soft. For one thing, there is too much emphasis on safety. Child proof medicine bottles, fire proof pajamas, child restrained car seats... and helmets! Baseball, bicycles, skateboard helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for everything except jerking off! Grown-ups have taken all the fun from being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. It's pathetic. What's happening is that these soft fruity baby boomers are raising an entire generation of soft fruity kids who aren't allowed to have hazardous toys. Whatever happened to natural selection; survival of the fittest? The kid who swallowed too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple as that. Nature knows best. We're saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and bating helmets. Just think of it as passive eugenics.

Now here's another example of over-protection: Do you ever notice on TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 stralls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers. The next day the school is over-run with councilers and psychiatrists and grief councilers and trauma therapists, trying to help the children cope. Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmatic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they should be able to handle the violence at school.

Here's another bunch of ignorant shit, school uniforms. Bad theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools make enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna get them to look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it on an old news reels from the 1930's, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German!

One more item about children, and that is, the superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen, kids don't smoke because the camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults do: because it relieves anxiety and depression. And you'd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic insecure striving anal yuppy parents who enroll you in college before you're old enough to know which side of the plate pen smells the worst. And then they fill you full of riddle and drag you all over town in search of meaningless structure: little league, cub scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, water colors, witch craft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. They even have play dates for Christ's sakes. Playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to: you show me your weewee and I'll show you mine? No wonder kids smoke... it helps! Not as much as weed, but hey, you can't have everything.

You know it's true. Parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day all children should have three hours of day-dreaming. Just day-dreaming. You can use a little of it yourself. just sit at the window and stare at the clouds, it's good for you. If you wanna know how you can help your children: Leave them the fuck alone!"

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Because you do know folks, living in this country, you know that every time you are exposed to advertising, you realize once again that America's leading industry, America's most profitable business, is still, the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of Bullshit. High quality, grade A, prime cut, pure American Bullshit. And the sad part is, most people seem indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: Advertising, politics, salesmen. Not true! Bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit is ramping. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law-enforcement people are full of shit."

All-American Bullshit

"This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has been, from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-spangled banner. It's really nothing more than one big steaming pile of red white and blue all-American Bullshit. Because think how we started. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, "all men", except for Indiands and Niggars and women, right? Always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected white male land-holding slave-owners, who also suggested that their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now that is what's known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit.

And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fucking critons talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse! No one would know what to do! Honesty would fuck this country up! and I think deep down Americans know that, and that's why they elected and re-elected Bill Clinton. Because the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good, strong wiff of it. Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets you know it. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying: "I am a plain and honest man". Bullshit! People don't blieve that. What did Clinton say? "Hi folks, I am completely full of shit and how do you like that?" And the people said: "You know something? At least he's honest about being completely full of shit".

It's just like the business world. Same as business. everybody knows by now all businessmen are completely full of shit. Just the worst kind of low life criminal cocksuckers you could ever wanna run into. A fucking piece of shit businessman. And the proof of it is: they don't even trust each other! When a businessman sits down and negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big bullshit businessman smile? And if you are a customer, whoa. That's when you get the really big smile. Customer always gets the real big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself, directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to service the account. "I am serving this account. This customer needs service". Now you know what they mean when they say: "we specialize in customer service". Whoever coined the phrase: "Let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole."

Religion

"But in the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. When it comes to bullshit, big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. and if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever, till the end of time.... But He loves you.

He loves you, and he needs money! He always needs money! He's all powerful, all perfect, all knowing, and all wise; somehow, just cant handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, and they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story ... Holy Shit.

But I want you to know something, this is sincere. when it comes to believing in God. I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell ya, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize: something is fucked up! Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the ice-capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong in the resume of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy" because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results."

~ George Carlin

The Other Side of George Carlin

"The events in downtown Manhattan created this Patriot Act, which was rushed through and puts the Bill of Rights in further shreds -- beyond what had already been done to it. And there is a faction of the "ownership class" in this country that would like to restrict all of our liberties. They need to make us free enough to go to the mall and buy their garbage. But pin us down and lock us down enough so that we are controllable. Fascism always does that. The excuse is that there is an enemy that we all have to line up against. Terrorism has created this climate. The psychological atmosphere around is permeated with these fears and quick solutions.

The right-wing Republican religious criminals -- these religious and business criminals who run and own this country have an interest in restricting the liberties of people. And speech is a part of that. Eventually, you will be told what you can say and can't say -- this is just beginning. Speech is nothing more than a way of expressing ideas. They are on the march.

People don't believe that because everybody wants a jet ski. It's all about the pursuit of goods and acquisition. This country has become a nation of people selling each other cheeseburgers and sneakers. It's an appalling degradation. They call it the American Dream. Why? Because you have to be asleep to believe in it.

Bush needs to be removed in a peaceful way. ... Yes, you can change presidents, but you don't get much choice in this country about important things. They have all the guns. They have all the tools. They have all the power. We call it freedom of choice. There is an illusion of choice. Americans are led to feel free through the exercise of meaningless choices. There are only two political parties. There is a reduction of the number of media companies. Banking has been reduced to only a handful of banks. Oil companies. These are important, and you're given very little choice.

Oh, but the flavor of jellybeans? The flavor of muffins? A bagel? You can get a Pina Colada bagel. We're given the illusion of choice by the meaningless of choices of trivial things. You know what your freedom of choice in America is? Paper or plastic, buddy? That's it. After you've said cash or charge, maybe it's Pepsi or Coke? Window or Aisle? Smoking or No?. Everything else you're kinda guided towards by focus groups and marketing research.

The way the world operates, anyone who told us that it was good to treat each other nicely was killed. Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Lincoln, Martin Luther King, The Kennedy Brothers. If you told people, "Be nice to each other," that was the end of you.

This country is a freak show. It's circling the drain. This culture has been, for some time and the circles are getting smaller and tighter and faster. And I revel in it. I am a critic of it all because I think it's a fascinating drama in self-destruction.

Everyone should have the right to shelter and food and a way to get a job to provide shelter and food on your own. The government should provide for people. There ought to be a way to take care of human needs, and we haven't worked very hard at that. That's my complaint. They say underneath a cynic is a disappointed idealist. And that is what I am. And that flame can be rekindled, no doubt. But I'd rather take the comfort of the skeptics role and say, "You worry about it. I've got a job, and my job is making fun of it and showing people how badly they are doing".

I had three heart attacks. But I space them out every nine years. I'm overdue ... it has been 12 years. But I feel great. I have heart disease, and I take my medicine, and I watch my diet. I don't exercise enough, but that's more about my schedule.

I want to be remembered as having a large output of work that got increasingly better. My epitaph should say: "He was here a minute ago. Where did he go to? He was just here."

~ George Carlin

source: 10 Burning Questions: George Carlin