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Why do city folk refer to rush hour when there cars ain't rushin nowhere?
Why does sour cream have in expiration date?
If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what would
happen if you strapped butter toast on the cats back and then tossed him off the porch?
If they was ta misspell a word in the dictionary, how would any of us know it?
If a man were by himself in the forest and a tree fell, would his wife still think he was wrong?
Why do politicians who write the laws always seem to be immune from those laws?
Why do Canadian Geese fly south for the winter and Canadians always go further north?
I was a wonderin' Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Hows come that If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
then why is it that we still have
monkeys and apes?
It always bothers me that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice."
An if in it is a
practice, shouldn't they be paying us for lettin um practice on us?
Found me a turtle with outa shell. Couldn't figure out though was he homeless or wasn he naked?
Contrary to what you might think about us, we don't marry our own relatives.
There is a law
against you know.
Jack Daniels does make our list of "Most Admired People."
And, Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader. Ain't that right?
I went to my family reunion the other day. I was a looking for a date.
We really do believe that the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen,
start your engines."
My cousin lit a match in the his bathroom and his house exploded right off its wheels.
Tried to sell my truck the other day but the prospective buyer told me I had to park it
for
awhile because he didn't know how much it was worth. Seems the bluebook value on the
truck
kept going up and down, depending on how much gas I had in the gas tank.
Should
sell though cuz it's got the cooler in the back option.
Wait on me a minute would ya. I have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Are them deer really smart enough ta cross the road at them deer crossing signs?
A "Hill William" is a high classed Hillbilly.
That means he don't have a couch on his porch
and a fridgerator in the yard.
You can tell that I gots me a rich neighbor. He's got him eight cars up on blocks in his yard
Down here, you are considered a veteran if in you been married more than a year.
Many of our women walk around with sore navels, cuz some of us aint all that smart either.
I mow my lawn with a couple of goats. One I named Briggs and the others name is Stratton.
Down here insurance measn I got me a good dog guardin the still.
They don't try to teach us no English in our schools any more. They figured it weren't no use no how.
Used to hide my 'shine in quart jars on mama's pantry shelf. She never did figure it out
but
she gave the preacher some for a gift. Now I am excused from Sunday church.
Why is it that you city folks park on driveways and drive on your parkways?
Even we are
smarter than that.
I asked my brother, what is 10 minus three. He cut off three of his toes and said "Seven"
Was gonna go fishin yesterday, but it seems I was out of dynamite
My truck got a flat tire last week. I didn't have no spare, but I am a smart guy.
I just took
off the other three tires and drove her home on the rims.
Got kicked out of chuch last Sunday. I had taken a 6-pack cooler full of beer.
I just didn't
bring enough to share with everybody.
Our war cry around here? Eat more possum.
Was given a pair of shoes for Christmas by one of my up North friends.
Aint figured out yet
what they is for.
Didn't yur ma never teach ya nothin?
A young feller came by the house on Friday to date my daughter.
He was mannerly, good
lookin, dressed nice and drove a new car.....so I shot him.
Hows come women always want you to give em flowers? They aint no good to eat.
Up here in the hills, we never take life too seriously.
We just figure that nobody gets out of life alive anyway.
We figure that if it seems like everything is going well,
than you probably don't know what is going on anyway.
We got a saying around here. If at first you don't succeed ... give up!
No use being a damn fool.
Tell me somethin will ya? If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said
'Quit while you're ahead'?
Do ya know why Hillbilly women never pass no gas?
It is cuzzin' they never hush up long 'nough to build up any pressure.
Hows come when a younger man gazes off blindly into the sky they calls that thinkin?
But when an older man gazes blindly into the sky, they calls that senility.
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