Insult To Injury
On this morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus, the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
6. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
7. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
8. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
10. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
11. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
12. Form a quality committee to find uses for dead horses.
...........................................................................................................................13. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
...........................................................................................................................14. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The Programmer and the Toad
A computer programmer happens across a toad in the road.

The toad pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the toad in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the toad says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a month..."

The programmer takes out the toad, nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll marry you and will live with you for the rest of my life..."

The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the toad says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you that I will be your wife, I can give you all the love you want, why don't you kiss me?"

"Look, he replies, "I'm a computer programmer... I don't have any time for a girlfriend or wife... But a talking toad... Man ! That's cool..."

The Princess and the Frog
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautÈed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce
she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't think so."

Simple Math:
Offered a new job? To estimate your annual salary, take the hourly wage and double it, and add three zeros. Example: $8.00 per hour, double that to get $16, and add three zeros to get $16,000 a year for salary. You can do the same math in reverse to get an hourly rate from an annual salary amount.

Potential Company Mergers:

• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.

• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker.

• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

• 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood.

• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi.

• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home.

• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine.

• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera.

• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants.

• Knott's Berry Farm and National organisation of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!

• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da.

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943.

• "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

• "But what...is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home" - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who will pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.

• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1887.

• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

• "Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone with the Wind".

• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." - Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

• "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No', so then we went to Hewlett Packard, and they said 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't gone to college yet.'" - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wolzniak's personal computer.

• "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

• "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle developments across all your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." - Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." - Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordianry to Queen Victoria, 1873.

• "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.

• "I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty hose on fire."

• "Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?"

• "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

• "You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing."

• "The secret of patience lies in accomplishing something constructive while you are waiting."

• "Seldom do I accomplish what I set out to do, but if I finish anything at all, i consider my day well spent."

• "Life's superhighways are veined by off-ramps that branch toward uncharted opportunities. The choice must be ours."

• "Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much."

• "Don't judge people by their relatives."

• "Call your Mom."

• "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."

• "Remember the four R's: Respect for God; Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions."

• "Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship."

• "Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice."

• "Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other."

• "Spend some time alone with God. Chat rooms are great, but don't allow it to replace this great and awesome chat!"

• "Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values."

• "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."

• "Read more books and watch less TV."

• "Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time."

• "Trust in God but lock your car."

• "Share your knowledge."

• "Be gentle with the earth."

• "Don't forget to pray."

• "Once a year, go someplace you've never been before."

• "If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction."

• "Learn the rules then break some."

• "Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other."

• "Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it."

• "Remember that your character is your destiny."

• "Approach cooking with reckless abandon."

Obstacles or Opportunity?
When troubles seem to be overwhelming, it's time to remember the story of the King and the Boulder.

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. He then hid himself to watch for anyone attempting to remove the obstacle.

Many of the monarch's wealthiest came by only to walk around the boulder. Many subjects blamed the king for not keeping the road clear, but none acted to remove the huge stone.

Then a peasant came along with a load of vegetables. On approaching the blockage, he put his load down and after much pushing and straining finally moved the boulder off the road.

Retrieving his burden, he noticed a purse in the road where the boulder had been. It contained gold and note from the monarch indicating the treasure was for the person who cleared the road.

The peasant learned what millions failed to understand -- each obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

On Men and Women
Most women are introspective:

"Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"

Most men are outrospective:

"Did my team win? How's my car?"
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Out of the mouths of babes...
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

A curious child asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Medicine
According to the Journal of American Medical Association, as of 1998, more than 100,000 Americans die annually from adverse reactions to prescription drugs.

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Money

Yugo vs. Rolls Royce
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that??"

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New Words

• ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

• AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting herself or himself in the eye (or ear).

• CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over, picking it up, examining it, then putting it down to give the vacuum one more chance.

• EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

• ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it will arrive.

• NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

• PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

• TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

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Animal Humor

Hare Trajedy
A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A beautiful woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The beautiful woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
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Chicken?
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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