Wellsy Wellsy folksy wolksys,
I DO have a PhD in Psyhcology afta all,and I DID cure Mistah J, so now
I'm here to do a little of what I wuz gunna do before I wuz shown the light
and followed my Puddin.Despite what anyone sayz, I got real empathy with
those who need help and dat's what I'm here ta do!!! Dat's wight wabbits,
just email
me with any problems you have - ego,love, jobs,school - ANYTHIN - and I
will give you my expert advice on the matta!!Get emailn quick girls and
boyz!!
Most
Recent Entries!
THE PROBLEM:
-
Doc Harls,
Help! I have a problem!
Well several, actually! But I wanted to enlist the aide of a genus psychologist.
Did you know Frued was dead? His answering machine still works, though.
My problem is this: Nobody takes me seriously cause I use toys!!! You and
Joker use toys and you two are highly respected!?! What about me!?!?! I
deserve some respect!!! Whenever I get angry over this I've been killing
my henchmen and good help is hard to find. (What's the number of YOUR henchmen
agency?)
In short, I WANT SOME RESPECT!!!
How can I get it?
Lovingly yours-
The Toyman
P.S.- Say "hi" to the J-man
and Ivy for me, it's been awhile since I've seen either of them.
MY ANSWER:
-
Well,
Toyman sir, many people wanna enlist the aide of a genius psychiatrist,
but not many are as lucky as you are!! See, the reason my Puddin gets the
respect is becuz he is also diablolical and deviously cleva. Now, dont'
fret, cuz NOONE can expect to be as brillyant as he, but if you start makin
your toys even MORE lethal, and really get sum variety and murderous intent
into your capers, people will pretty soon realize that you're fer sure!!
Mistah J finds the best way to get henchmen, is take ova sum otha mutt's
teritory with considerable force and scariness. The henchdudes cant be
trusted in court, so they need to be disposed of ASAP, but they do the
trick for a short while!!
Hope
I've helped darlin!!!
*ahem*
DR. Harleen Quinzel.
ps:Mistah
J and Ivy saz "howdy doody" and Mistah J reminds ya not to rip him off!!!
THE PROBLEM:
-
Dear Harley,
I have really serious problem.
Ya see, I'm the Joker's daughter and I have adopted the identity of Kabuki
which is the Japanese form of acting. Anyways, to start with i found out
that my own father dosen't know me. In fact he couldn't even remember my
mother although i was concieved while he was in Iran on "business". Then
i find out that my father's sworn enemy in Batman, the same guy i fought
once in Ireland (a long story so don't ask!). Naturally i offer to help
my father but he refuses and, to make a long story short, throws me off
a building.
I don't think he knew that
i have this wierd ability to survive things that would kill normal people.
I think he really tried to kill me. This makes me mad so i'm seriously
thinking about murdering him. What should i do?
---Kabuki aka Joker's Daughter
PS. I know you are his girlfriend
(lover?) but please try to talk me out of this!!!! Maybe i could become
his protege, if he'll only let me...
MY ANSWER
-
Well...sweetie...urhm....well,I
guess I'd betta get professional bout this!hehe(*grrr*) so cute little
Mistah J has a daughter, huh>Well, who woulda thought it!Humph. Well, Mistah
J neva told ME and he tells me EVERYTHIN but then again - if ya say he
don't know, I guess I'll take ya word for it. Well, Mistah J - he's kinda
a lone shark, ya know?I mean he has me, and his few regular henchmen, but
otha than that - nobody. And he don't really want nobody else. He don't
trust anybody ya know..I mean ANYBODY could just walk off the streets and
say they're his kid, and then stab him in the back and he just ain't prepared
ta take that risk.
It
ain't nuthi personal - just his brillyance..*sigh* Also, he pr0obably knew
I'd get jealous, and din't wanna do nuthin tor uin our blissful future
when well have kiddies of our own...*hmmm* sigh.
Well,
all I can say is DON'T YOU DARE KILL MY PUDDIN OR I'LL RIP OUTCHA HAIR
AND....erm...well, what I mean, is that killin him won't solve nuthin.
And if you're who you say ya are, I betcha I could convince him to letcha
help out now and again.
JUST
REMEMBA TOOTS - HE'S MINE! I'm numba one gal in his life, and I'm stayin
that way, k? Don't kill him - you'll regret it for the rest of your life,
cuz think how awful the world would be with out him?
BTW...I
think I just might go have chat with cute little Mistah J about his own
little play pen...grrrr....
The
one the ONLY Original, bona-fide,nomoneybackguarantee DR HARLEEN QUINZEL!!!
THE PROBLEM:
-
Hello, you may or may
not know me. I'm sort of new at Arkham. I know I'm in Arkham to get help,
but as you know, they aren't of any help at all. Now you, of course being
a lot smarter, and insightful than those "doctors" over at Arkham will
probably be the only one who will be able to help me with my REAL problems.
I mean, poisoning kids with candy from one of the largest candy factories
in the world, is all right, if you own the place, right? And dressing up
in costumes is perfectly normal. Batman does it, and everyone thinks it's
okay when he does. And if that jerk can do it, so can I, and be sane.
But my real problem, Dr.
Quinzelle, is one you can probably relate to. Professor Crane never has
enough time for me. We're almost opposites, but we've been together since
we've met. I love him with all my heart, and I think he loves me too, but
all he can think about it FEAR, FEAR, FEAR! I don't know what to do. I
have to put up with so much! Especially when he wants to play "scare your
little girlfriend to death" It's gotten to the point where Im adicted to
that fear toxin! What do I do?
Kandy Kane
XOXO
MY ANSWER:
-
Hey
honey!! Well, I heard ya moved into the cell just down the corridor from
me, so as a Member of Arkham I've got a BIIIG "WELCOME" for ya!! Anyhowz,don't
listen to any of these dum doctors in this dump. Not all of them got their
marks in the most admirable of ways...know what I'm saying??*ahem* I'm
the only one who can trust cuz I got empathetic experience!!!!!
Of
COURSE it's perfectly normal to dress in said costume and poison said candky.
I mean, look at all the candy my Puddin's posioned, and he's the sanest,
sweetest man alive!! (just dont' put cherry in nougat!!!!). Don't worri
about what other people think of you, just be yourself and everyone will
admire you for it!!
As
for Prof. Crane...well, I know he's a big sweetie, and again, I can relate
to your problem. Babe, whatcha gotta do is DEVOTE YOURSELF ENTIRELY TO
HIM. Don't EVA waste time thinkin bout your needs. Love him totally, do
everything he asks, and neva eva question him. He will come to pet you
for it. You gotta remember, if you love your man, he's gotta know it. And
demanding time for yourself, or expecting him to put aside his wants for
you, is just plain selfish. I learned all this in my perfect relationship
with Mistah J, and look at the blissful happiness we're in!! Take it from
one who knows girlfriend, that's the way to go!!!
Doctor
Harleen Quinzel,psychologist extraordinaire!!
THE PROBLEM:
-
What's up, Doc?
Tis I, the Toyman again.
I want to thank you for your advice, I think. I made my toys more leathal
like you said. I had a few backfires though. It's all right, I never liked
that arm anyway. So, Joker has a daughter, eh? And he didn't tell you?!?
Break his bones!!! Nice job in "Joker's Millions." Back to Mr. J's offspring.
Kabuki seems like a truly violent disturbed individual. How about setting
the two of us up? Ever since I took over Dad's name and game, I've been
a laughing stock. A death-dealing duo of dasteredly decendants dishing
out damage could certainly help. I can see it now! The headlines scream,
"Son of Toyman and Daughter of Joker Terrorize Gotham!" It'd be a hoot
and holler!!! What do you say, Kabuki? Is it play time or not?
The Terror of Toyland
The Toyman
MY ANSWER:
-
Well,
Toyman, I'm glad ta know my advice helped a little!!!! As for Kabuki...could
be a fine idea, cept she's one fierce baby lemme tell ya that right now!!!
You could try it, but don't be surprised if she throws you off a building
or sumthin (post parental truamtaised stress you know). Then again..she
might love ya and rape ya or sumthin kewl like that (I love it when Mistah
J does that to me!!) he he he
Dr
Quinzel - feeling mushy over her Puddin'.
THE PROBLEM:
-
Dear Clown Girl,
I think you've experienced
this sort of thing first hand, so maybe you have an idea of where I'm coming
from. You spend your entire life trying to build a "rep" for yourself.
You constantly train, honing your skills, and practicing vital lethal maneuvers.
Not only that, but also the mental training to properly commit massacres
without that pesky notion of remorse popping into your head. Then you put
yourself to the test.
In my case, I've fought
roughly 28 duels to the death and have survived each time. Very impressive,
yes? The only problem is that I decided to take an application calling
for a replacement killer for their Order. I get accepted by slaying all
the other possible clients as requested, no problem. However, the original
employee returns and ruins my spotless reputation. And I nearly fell to
my death.
Though due to...odd circumstances,
I was saved for the express purpose of distracting this Batman everyone
talks about in East America and in this insanity ward. I was wearing a
costume similar to his and was defeated again. Now all of a sudden I'm
called "Az-Bats"..whatever that means, something to do with the Order,
I guess. Either way, my name has been sullied, and I want to start over.
So, how do I get out of this frickin' Asylum, and why won't any of the
doctors allow me to take off my armored costume? I need to go to the bathroom
really badly.
Sincerely,
The Killer Formerly Known
as Az-Bats
P.S. Do you have contacts
with the Order to St. Dumas? I'm having trouble getting a message on their
answering machine.
MY ANSWER:
-
Dear
Azzy-Batsy...
Well,
sounds to Dr Harley you been havin sum way major problems!! Nuthin I can't
handle of course. Hmmm......I do understand whatcha sayin about the constant
training, sweat, study yatta yatta yatta...I watched alot of people doing
that in University. However, I'm cute, so I got my psychology degree no
sweat.
Oh!!
Whoops!! Yes of course I studied, worked hard, long, painful hours *hee
hee* *gulp* But movin right along.... yes, your record is indeed impressive,
but part of your problem may be that you think too much of yourself. For
example, you have killed nowhere near as many people as My Puddin' has,
now have you? And aren't you also a...*snigger* Monkey Man? *giggle*, oh
well, I guess that's not your fault *snort*
Whatcha
gotta do, is get off ya high horse and accept you will neva be as wonderful
as my Joker Man. As for gettin outta this asylum...well, I'm a doctor here!!!!
I can't help ya with that, I'd be compromising my job. Pay no attention
that I'm on the otha side of the padded cell, that's just a cover *smiles*
As
for gettin outta ya costume.... well, my puddin wore it once din't he??
He had no problem gettin you out of it, him into it, and then him out of
it,did he? Which just goes to prove my point. You are under par. My man
rulz, you're a sideshow phoney. I'm not sayin this to be mean, just so
you'll come to grips with reality.=)
The
Order of Saywhat????
Dr
Harley - Americ'as favourite psychopath/psychologist.
THE PROBLEM:
-
Harley I mean Doc Quinn,
OK...now i've got myself
another problem! This little guy calling himself Toyman (or is it Gaggy?
I forget) keeps following me around. I threatened to kill him in some rather
inventive ways, but he only looked like he'd enjoy my devious punishments!
Grrr...
Dad saw him drooling over
me yesterday and arranged for a moth of ECT for the guy. Dad is just SOOOOO
strange that way, what good is ECT gonna do? SHEESH! Anywho, i really don't
mind the guy too much except for his constant googly eyes and drooling.
EWWWW! What do you think i should do?
oh and by the way, thanks
for convincing Dad to give me a chance in crime. It's really paid off and
we actually talk now! *sigh* just as long as he dosen't find out about
my secret crush on him...
---Luv
KaBuKi: Mistress of Maniacle
Mayhem!
MY ANSWER:
-
Dear
Kabuki (CLA ROCKS!!!!!!!shhhh)
Well,
ya see, this is the reult of bein a Mistress of Mayhem!! Being the Queen
of Crime myself (dont tell the other doctors!), I also suffer from adoring
fans. I just tell them what I tell everybody: "BACK OFF OR MY HYENA BABIES'LL
HAVE A BRAND NEW CHEW TOY!!!!!" Since you don't have any hyenas, just tell
them you're a cannibal or sumthin. I mean, yous and me can't be expected
to be treated like normal people.....we're the figgin CLA!!!!
Perhaps
you should gently point out to Toyman that if he doesn't move gently away
he'll have eight furious females hunting him down and riping him apart
- oh hang on!! He'd like that - - !!!
As
for you and Mistah J, aw, I'm so glad you and he is gettin along like father
and daughter should and....WHAT????? You have a crush on him???? You CAN'T!!
He's MINE!!! He'...what??huh? Oh Doc Leland here says I should be more
concerned with the fact you have the hots for your daddy, but I think that's
irrelevant!!! Mistah J is MINE!!! I worship him, have sex with him, find
his socks for him...MEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEE!!! ;-P You can't!! I likes ya and
all sugah...but keep ya hands offa my man,or Art Connosieurs will be announcing
the death of Japanese Theatre, know what I'm sayin???
Hope
I helped!!
Dr
Harleen Quinzel...comes to you LIVE! On NBC weeknights....7 to 9pm
Well,
I will when Jokervision takes ova!!!!!!
THE PROBLEM:
-
Good Evening, Dr.Quinzel.
You may or may not have
heard of me but then again maybe you have. I am known as Dr.Wily. I've
been known to attempt to take over the world. If you dont recall me that's
not important. What I really need to tell you is my problem,well,two problems
actually. The first one has to do with what I do. that is control the world
at least thats what I would be able to if it weren't for that blasted blue
dweeb, Mega Man!
For my own sanity I wont
go into detail who he is. I just want to know this,......How can I get
rid of this guy? I build killer robots,I come up with elaborite schemes,
NOTHING WORKS!!!! since you work for one of the worlds greatest criminals
I was figuring you could help me on this point. My second concern has to
do with why I started in the first place. Dr.Light, my former "friend"
and collegue, attempted to sabatage my work making it look like it malfunctioned.
When I tried to correct this "mistake" I was caught in an explosion and
became what I am today. Should I be resentful of that experience or should
I try to forget it? Well, thats it.
Dr.Albert Wily
MY ANSWER:
-
Dear
Doc W.
What
you need is a little cartoon called "Pinky and the Brain". Everyday, the
mouse named "Brain" tries to take over the world, with the aid of his companion
"Pinky".(Actually...they're almost an anagram of Mistah J and me!!) Brain
also comes up with elaborate schemes. He also tries his darndest to make
them work. He doesn't have the interference of a Batman or Mega-Man, but
they fail. Wanna know why? Cuz he ain't as smart as my Puddin'!!!!!! This
is also your problem.
Now
now, dont' worri - just keep tryin. Look at me!! I *neva* gave up on my
Puddin!! Now you *neva* give up in your efforts. Sure, you will neva be
as wonderful as the Joker, but that is beside the point. We cant' let phooey
meanie awfuly old grumps like Mega Man and Batsy get us down, ok????Ya
gotta stick to it.
As
for Doc Light....no way you should try to forget it!! Your resentment will
give you extra motivation, which is what every super criminal needs!!!By
all means, go all out for vengeance, ya got my blessin!!!
Doc
Quinn, Lithium Woman.
THE PROBLEM:
-
Dear Mom-Oops! I mean
Harleen,
One of my best friends (Two
Face B.) and I had this major fight. Now he hates me (Which really isn't
such a bad thing ;), but he's going around and getting the other people
I like to talk with to hate me as well!
Do you have any suggestions
for a suitable way to retaliate?
Prefrebly something painful.
Yer daughter
Marionette
MY ANSWER:
-
Hi
Mari baybee!!!!
Well
you just don't lissen to that big ole meanie ya hear? I'll take
care of him, now don't you worri. Oh - look sweetie, daddy sayz ya gotta
start learnin how to deal with these thingies by yaself, so here's his
advice.
First
off, start small. Make him lose his job or get kicked outta school. Then,
start posioning his friends. Finally, brutally and bloodily murder his
family. Then let him live with it!!! That's what daddy's gotta say, but
all the good family books sez there should be input from both parents,
so here's my advice.
Be
completely and totally utterly mean to him, but play some way kewl mind
games. Get him thinkin you're insultin him but in a way that ain't
obvious to otha people, just him and you! Then beat him up!!!!!!!!!Yeah!!!!
oh and you could like sleep with his boyfriend....oh hang on! He's a guy
huh?That'd only work if he wuz like a girl. oh well. Next time! Mommy's
got big hugs and kisses for ya when you get home honey, be good and give
em hell!!!
Harleen
Quinzel - psychiatrist,psycho, lover and mother - SUPERWOMAN!!!!!
THE PROBLEM:
-
Dear Dr. Quinn,
I feel rather weird talking
about this one with a villi... umm with a umm.. nevermind, I feel weird
about talking about this period. See I'm a superhero, well I try to be.
I do a good job most of the time, but I have this odd, desire, no need
to be controlled, controlled by hypnotization, brainwashing, anything like
that by villianesses, not normal everyday females, but just the evil type.
Its not good for my line of work. What do you think's wrong with me?
Victory
MY ANSWER:
-
Urhmmmmm................I
don't understand. Do you think you have a problem?
Doc
Quinn - these pills can't be taken orally.
-
Harleen Quinzel
Arkham Asylum # 386
123 Bertha Lane
Gotham City, U.S.A.
Dear Madam :
It has come to my attention
that you have taken upon yourself to lend psychiatric aid through correspondence
via the internet. This comes of serious concern. Not the least of reason
are the fact that you have been judged as mentally unsound. I do not wish
to hinder your attempts at progressive growth and development, but your
responses to your patients are very worrisome. Most of your "diagnoses"
either have little relevence in aiding your patients' problems or encourage
them to act out their worst impulses.
I cannot refrain you from
giving away your questionable advice until you are recaptured. However,
I beg that you do not turn bad situations even worse, and making a mockery
of the practice of psychiatry.
Dr. Jeremiah Arkham
Arkham Asylum
123 Bertha Lane
Gotham City, U.S.A.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HEY!!!!!! GUYZ!!!!! GET A LOADA THIS!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHHA!! MISTAH J, IVY,
COLUMBINE,aw, heck. ARKHAM ASYLUM VIOLENT WARD!!!!!!!!, YOU JUST
GOTTA SEE THIS!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! OH wwoooooooooow
man!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, cmon doc,....give us some more!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
DR
QUINZEL - CONTINUED!
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