Characters
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Kerri, wife |
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John, husband |
(Kerri is opening a gift wrapped box. She pulls out a cellular phone.)
Kerri:
A cellular phone! Oh, John, this is wonderful. Now I can call ahead and tell you when I'm
late.
John:
No, you can't. There's no free call-time with this service.
Kerri:
There's not, why?
John:
We can't afford it.
Kerri:
What good is it, then?
John:
You can make emergency calls only. If a gang has surrounded your car and are smashing in
the windows, then -- and only then -- may you use it.
Kerri:
Delightful. Honey, there are no gangs around here.
John:
Don't fool yourself. They're all over the place. You need to be ready for anything.
Kerri:
What if I get a flat tire? Can I use it if I get a flat tire?
John:
Didn't I teach you how to change a flat?
Kerri (threatening):
John.
John:
All right. If you get a flat tire you can call me.
Kerri:
Thank you. (Starts putting the box aside)
John:
There's more in there.
Kerri:
Really?
John:
It's kind of a multilevel gift. You know, a gift within a gift.
Kerri:
It's so light. I assumed it was empty.
John:
I thought it'd be a bigger surprise putting everything into one box.
Kerri (playfully):
You just didn't want to be bothered wrapping more than one box.
John (resigns with a shrug):
Well....
Kerri:
I thought so. See? I know you too well.
John:
Then what else is in the box? Tell me without looking.
Kerri:
Well, let's see ... Something very light ... (Hefting the box) Something we've been
talking about lately ... (Eyes widen) Tickets for a Caribbean cruise! That must be
it! Oh, John, you shouldn't have. I was only joking when--- (Pulls out a small can)
What's this?
John:
Pepper spray.
Kerri:
Pepper spray?
John:
Yea, it's to carry around with your cellular phone. If some punk threatens you, you just
spray this stuff into his face, then his eyes will shut up, and burn like fire. He'll fall
to the ground writhing in pain. Then he'll start gasping for air because his throat's
closed up and he can't hardly breathe. I saw it demonstrated on a video. It's quite
effective.
Kerri (viewing the can with disgust):
How romantic.
John:
It's not suppose to be romantic....
Kerri:
It's not romantic -- it's not even friendly. John, this is our home! -- It's not a
boot-camp! How can you do this to me on my birthday?
John:
Hey, you'll thank me when this saves your life someday!
Kerri (tense pause):
Is there anything else in here?
John:
One more item. (Kerri pulls out a sheet of paper) I couldn't get you one, but once
you complete the test---
Kerri:
A gun permit! You gave me an application for a gun permit -- on my birthday!
John:
What's wrong with that?
Kerri:
John, I'm not getting a gun!
John:
Why not?
Kerri:
Because I don't like guns. I'm afraid of them.
John:
It's the survival of the fittest out there, Kerri. If someone pulls one out on you, you've
got to be able to defend yourself.
Kerri:
That's what I've got you for.
John:
But I'm not always with you.
Kerri:
Then I'll pray. God answers my prayers.
John:
Be realistic, Kerri.
Kerri:
I am being realistic. God does answer prayer!
John:
Well, yea, sure He does, but that's no reason to bury your head in the sand. A lot of good
people are needlessly killed because they think like that.
Kerri:
What's gotten into you? Why are you getting me all these things?
John:
I just don't want you to be a victim. I -- don't want what happened to Ted Whitfield's
daughter -- happen to you ... that's all....
Kerri (consoling):
Oh, John....
John:
It just tears me up every time I think about it. (Pause) I worry about you, Kerri.
John:
I do appreciate your concern, but it's no good fretting about something that may never
happen. But, honey, thank you. I will keep the phone and I'll carry this ... pepper stuff
-- okay? But I refuse to carry a gun.
John:
All right. I guess that's better than nothing. But at least keep this pepper spray
accessible. Carry it on top of everything else in your purse.
Kerri:
There are other things that I need to pull out of my purse everyday.
John:
Well, what good would it be to have a can of pepper spray if it's buried at the bottom of
your purse? (Picks up her large purse) I mean, look at this! It would take you at
least ten minutes to find anything in here. By then your attacker will either have done
his worst or he'll be rolling on the ground laughing.
Kerri:
You brat! Give me that! (Yanks purse away from him) Did I ever tell you the reason
why my purse is so heavy? (Threateningly)
John:
I'm not sure that I want to find out. (Slowly backing away)
Kerri:
Well, I’m going to show you. Prepare to defend yourself! (She raises purse and
chases him out.)
