Characters
 |
Clown 1 wife Patty |
|
Clown 2, husband John |
Two chairs are used to give the impression of a living room.
Script Patti (singing off-key):
Go tell it to the mountain, over the hill and everywhere!
(John enters suddenly)
John:
Honey, can you please tone it down? The dog just ran away, and the neighbors are
complaining again.
Patti:
I need to learn how to project my voice.
John: (rubbing forehead as though
suffering with a headache):
Trust me, you are projecting your voice better than anything I’ve ever heard in my
life.
Patti:
I’ve got this song down pretty well. Do you think, am I ready for an audition?
John:
To be honest: No.
Patti:
Maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself, but I can’t wait, I’m so excited
about starting my new career.
John:
Career? What career? I thought you were going to try out for the church choir.
Patti:
I said that I was going to start out singing in the choir. It has always been my
dream to sing professionally. (Captivated) I can see myself standing in the
spotlight with thousands of adoring fans out there shouting: Patti! Patti! Patti! Then
when I begin to sing, tears start pouring from their eyes, and suddenly hundreds rush to
the stage, crying "What must I do to be saved!"
John:
Oh, no....
Patti:
What’s wrong?
John:
Patti, I think that what you need is an honest assessment of your singing.
Patti:
And you think you’re qualified to do that?
John:
You’re going to get it sooner or later. You might as well hear it from me.
Patti:
All right, go ahead, tell me what you think.
John: (nervously):
Okay. Well---
Patti:
As long as you’re being constructive and not negative.
John:
I’ll try---
Patti:
And you are sensitive to my feelings.
John:
Yes, I’ll---
Patti:
and you recognize that I have a calling on my life.
John:
Of course you do, but---
Patti:
And I’m working toward the mark---
John: (forcefully):
Patti, your voice---
Patti (even more forceful):
of perfection!
(John shakes his head and gestures as if to say, "What’s the use")
Patti:
Well, aren’t you going to tell me?
John:
You’re just going to get mad.
Patti:
I will not.
John:
Every time I make a comment that you don’t want to hear, you get mad.
Patti (angrily):
I won’t get mad!
John:
Yea, right.
Patti:
I won’t.
John:
Promise?
Patti:
Promise.
John (nervous pacing):
All right. Well ... to be perfectly honest ... I think that your voice sounds ... well ah
... like ... a ... a frog.
Patti:
A frog! That’s a terrible thing to say! How can you say that! You are so cruel and
mean!
John:
I told you that you’d get mad.
Patti:
You would too if someone told you that you were a frog.
John:
I didn’t say that you're a frog, I said that you sound like a frog. Now, there’s
a difference---
Patti:
How can you be so cruel.
John:
I’m just trying to save you a little embarrassment--
Patti:
You’re always so negative. Why can’t you be constructive for once?
John:
You can’t be constructive when you have nothing to build on.
Patti:
The problem with you is you don’t know the difference between constructive and
condescending!
John:
Well, you asked for an honest---
Patti:
How can you compare me to a frog? Nobody sounds like a frog!
John:
That’s what I would have thought -- until today.
Patti:
You’re just jealous.
John:
Jealous. What have I got to be jealous of? I can’t help it that you’re singing
sounds terrible.
Patti:
My voice just needs a little fine tuning, that’s all.
John:
First you have to do the course adjustment, then you can work on the fine tuning.
Patti:
Don’t get technical with me! The trouble with you is, you have no taste in music.
John (consoling):
Patti ... (She pulls and turns away) You are making a mistake!
Patti (in his face):
All right, Mr. Know-it-all, I’m going to prove you wrong. You wait. I’m going to
get a job singing professionally (Driving point home by poking him repeatedly in the
chest with her index finger) if it’s the last thing that I do! (Exits in a
huff)
John:
Oh, now wouldn’t you be a sight, sitting on a lily pad, croaking in a (Shouting)
beer commercial!
