1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean it up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until your hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Once a week disassemble your lawn mower and inspect it.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your family that they have used too much water during the week. so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5am and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up"

9. Have your Mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make your whole family stand in your back yard at 6am and listen to her read it.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food that you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at x3455"

11. Submit a request form to your Father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave the house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors for 6 months. After the 6months is over, take down all the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home... You can't leave until tomorrow.

13. Shower with all the above-mentioned friends.

14. Make all of your family qualify to operate all of the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, etc)

15. Walk around you car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. (just because)

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off"

17. Empty all of your garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning that you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all of your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "World Travel".

26. Ensure that any promotions that you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

27. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

28. When your children are in bed , run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.

29. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask for hot dogs.

30. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand 4-hour rotations behind it.

31. Lock yourself and your family in the house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disney World for "Weekend Liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disney has been cancelled due to the fact that they need to get ready for a home inspector (E-cert), and it will be another week before they can leave the house.