Kewl Forwards

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".

GO AHEAD(with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD(normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have won. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

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You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up to everyone.
You wanted to be a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.
You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.
You wanted to be a teacher.
You wanted to be president.
You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.
You wanted to do well in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted boys to notice you.
You were afraid boys would notice you.
You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
You wouldn't wear a bra.
You couldn't wait to wear a bra.
You couldn't fit into a bra.
You didn't like the way you looked.
You didn't like the way your parents looked.
You didn't want to grow up.
You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You didn't go to prom.
You went to prom with the wrong person.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You thought you fell in love.
You thought you fell in love.
You thought you fell in love.
You lost your first best friend.
You got a new best friend.
You really fell in love.
You became a steady girlfriend.
You became significant to somebody.
You became significant to yourself.
Sooner or later, you start to take yourself seriously.
You know when you need a break.
You know when you need a rest.
You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of.
You know when it's time to take care of yourself, and for yourself to do something that makes you stronger, faster, more confident.
You know it's never too late to live life and never too late to change.

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble."
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." This message has been sent to you by a girl who is proud to call you her friend and who knows that there is more than one kind of love. Don't forget your girlfriends, pass this along...it's a girl thing.

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1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with,"That's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when you back up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in acccordance with prophecy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute entire streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait-- I messed it up." Then repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. Tell your friends that you can't attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you're "not in the mood."

34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

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A You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

E Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

K You are totally f***ing marvelous!

L You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N You are crap in bed.

O You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy About your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy,sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.

U You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out.You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. you respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing.You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

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People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON ... It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally,or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON... It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, ormake you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

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1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

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FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

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Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

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How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

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In celebration of Barbie's 40th birthday, Mattel has created a Mormon Barbie for the folks in Utah.The most popular, Celestial Barbie, comes with 8.4 children. She wears a mid-calf flower print Laura Ashley dress with conservative flats (no heels),a bow in her flowing shoulder-length hair, with puffy bangs. Barbie wears a permanent smile and comes with her own bread making machine, store of wheat, list of ways to feed a family of 12 on less than $200 a week, casserole recipes, and year's supply of green Jell-O. Also available: MAV(Dodge/Ford/Nissan/whatever mini-van, otherwise known as a Mormon Assault Vehicle). When you pull the cord in her back she sheds real tears and says, "You have such a special spirit, Sister," and "Love ya." Occasionally you can find one that says "Oh, my heck!" but this is a manufacturer's defect. Celestial Barbie would never say "heck." You can buy a Celestial Ken to go with Celestial Barbie, but he's hard to find. (he's always off fulfilling some priesthood calling, so he's rarely home.)

Other Special LDS Barbies include: RM Barbie - This Barbie comes with your choice of a BYU or Ricks sweatshirt and mini computer, and bears her testimony in a foreign language.

Homemaking Leader Barbie - Comes with a wide assortment of miniature baking, sewing, and craft supplies.

Primary President Barbie - Not very popular, since this one has no hair. Pull her cord and she sings "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree," "Give Said the Little Stream," and folds her arms to remind everyone to be reverent.

RS Presidency Barbies - Sold in sets of three, these Barbies come complete with their own agenda! Also included are mini telephones which come attached to their ears. Batteries required, as these busy little numbers never stop running. No shutoff buttons.

YW Leader Barbie - Comes dressed for camp with all necessary equipment, including enough insect repellent for everyone.

Bishop Ken also available in camping attire.

YW Skippers - Laurels, Mia Maids, and Beehives, all cute as buttons, dressed in flannel nighties for the sleepover. One-piece swimsuits and knee-length shorts outfits also available.

Nursery Leader Barbie - This frazzled, smiling Barbie talks in her own baby-like voice and comes with an assortment of babies and toddlers, storybooks, toys, and a supply of disposable diapers. Be careful,however: on Sundays after church, all this one wants to do is sleep.

Organist Barbie - Has rimmed glasses and comes with her very own spiral-bound hymnal. Sits only in position to play, with arms bent and fingers extended. Piano also available.

Chorister Barbie - right arm permanently raised to a moving square. Sings seven hymns. Batteries required.

Visiting Teaching Barbies - Sold in sets of two, this is a true collector's item as each set has its own recorded message. Comes with supply of message handouts and plates of birthday and Christmas cookies.

Stake Leader Barbie - comes with a voluminous set of mini leadership manuals.

Salt Lake Leader Barbie - White hair in a hurricane do!

Also available: Priesthood leader husband Ken who sits permanently asleep on the stand. Eyes do not open. Snores. Batteries required.

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Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Watch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
Christmas starts to bug you.
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
The only thing in your cereal box is... cereal. =\
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

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Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

You can only go as far as you push.

Actions speak louder than words.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff.

Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while, you might miss it.

A BEST FRIEND is like a four-leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.

Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you, and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS.

Friends are FOREVER.

Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.

Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes !!!

Don't be angry, BE HAPPY!!!

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1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

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I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
Are those real?
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

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Chest
Face
Armpits
Hair
Privates
Shoulders
Others

DON'T CHEAT... now scroll down and check what/who you are ... this is pretty funny!!!

The following describes your character:

CHEST: You are a practical person, straight forward and do not beat around the bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see things your way. You are a good sex partner and willing to try new things. Your best partner in life will be those who chose HAIR.

FACE: Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. Integrity and dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used and life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you but you are not concerned as to what they think. Very self-centered person. Below average sex partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed in self pleasure at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will be those who chose PRIVATES and OTHERS;

ARMPITS: You are a dependable and hard working person. Generally a very popular person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others. Tend to get yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether people are genuine towards you. Trusting type. You make very poor sex partners as you are the working type with average talent. Do not always consider your partner`s needs. Your best partner in life will be those who chose SHOULDERS.

HAIR: Artistic, creative, caring type. Positive thinker. Day dreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot! You will work entirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. You are able to see and understand things others don`t. Money, material possessions are not important. Friends and family are important. You make the Best sex partners. You are most willing to explore. You are especially warm and sensual lovers. You love to please your partner. You value intimate moments with those you love. Talent, intelligence, loyalty, kindness, intuition are your main strengths. Your best partners in life will be those who chose CHEST and PRIVATES.

PRIVATES: Shy type. You lack self confidence and tend to be misunderstood by others. Find it difficult to share yourself with others. You do not have many friends as others sometime find you boring or unresponsive. Perseverance is not your strength and you tend to give up easily and at the first opportunity. However, you make an above average sex partner. You are able to show your true emotions to very few people. But, in sex, you find your inner strengths. And you find sex a safe avenue to share your true feelings. Your best partner in life will be those who chose FACE and HAIR.

SHOULDERS: A born loser. You fail in almost everything that you do. People dislike you and you tend to spend your time alone. Your type have been known to be heavy gamblers and drinkers. You see the world as a living hell. Money and power are also important to you, but your luck will always fail you. You make a horrible sex partner. You will find it difficult to find a partner in life. Those who chose ARMPITS are your only chance.

OTHERS: You are a very average person. Undoubtedly, you have your inner strengths but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be a little bit more adventurous and sell your potential. Deep down, you are a very likeable person with very few faults. However, the key will be to make your strengths stand out and not just hide your weaknesses. You are an average sex partner. You have great fantasies about different techniques but unfortunately are not brave enough to try them out. Your best partners in life will be those who chose FACE.

Is your birthday day 1 of the month?
Your Life
You are very curious and dedicative. When you are interested in something, everything else has to wait. This is your quality. But if you learn to be more patient and complete what you have started, you will be successful in life.
Your Love
You believe in love at first sight. You won't wait to learn more about the person. Vise versa, people who fail to impress you will hardly get a chance to be your friend. Your emotion is on the extreme. You can only love or hate, nothing in between and this often shows in your expression. Try not to end a relationship in a quarrel.

Is your birthday day 2 of the month?
Your Life
You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance for self-control problem.
Your Love
Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. You are a romantic and loyal lover.

Is your birthday day 3 of the month?
Your Life
Although you are innocent and romantic but your expression often misleads others that you are an active, fun loving kid. Because of your double personality, it's hard for others to really know the real you. You are careful and patient.
Your Love
Your love is the greatest which often surprises others. No one can bring you to light when you are in love. Your confidence might lead you to the track your parents disagree.

Is your birthday day 4 of the month?
Your Life
You usually think before acting which makes your life quite easy. But you often are the one who gives yourself a hard time by being paranoid. People might not truly understand you but you are really nice to be around.You are cheerful and friendly.
Your Love
Still water runs deep, that's what you are. You always surprise others with your new character when you are in love. Your love trap often comes unexpectedly and your love life is full of surprises.

Is your birthday day 5 of the month?
Your Life
Although you are on the quiet side, but you enjoy excitement and changes. Routine is something you cannot stand. Because of your extreme confidence, you hardly ask others for opinion. You believe in leading your own life, and you have got the gift in doing so.
Your Love
Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party can only makes your jealousy becomes worse.

Is your birthday day 6 of the month?
Your Life
You are generous with people in need, sometimes to an extreme that people find you nosey. Your hidden courage and dedication often surprise others. Your imagination is extremely unique.
Your Love
Your love life is on the smooth track because it grows from friendship. Although you may not make a sweet lover but your sincerity bring happiness to your couple.

Is your birthday day 7 of the month?
Your Life
You are sensitive to changes around you but your feeling is hardly expressed. You hate exaggerations. Under your quiet personality, you are rather stubborn and self-centered. These qualities are the force behind your extreme persistence.
Your Love
You have enormous courage to please your lover. Your relationship often progresses quickly.

Is your birthday day 8 of the month?
Your Life
You have pleasant and friendly personality. People look up to your wit and imagination. You are unpredictable and hardly complete what you started, which sometimes create negative impact to people around you.
Your Love
Falling in love becomes your routine. Most of the time, you are lucky. You fascinate people with good taste but you never have enough with one. Although your love progresses very fast, it never lasts.

Is your birthday day 9 of the month?
Your Life
You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what they think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable but sometimes you are too fast to follow.
Your Love
You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children.

Is your birthday day 10 of the month?
Your Life
You are very capable. If you are a woman, you have high chance to be a renowned workingwoman. If you are a man, your path to fame and honor is near. As an innovator, you are not a good follower. You are good in implementing your imagination and share it with others. You are always well dressed.
Your Love
You often lose your love ones from being too jealous. You always feel like you own the person you fall in love with and that often blows your relationship.

Is your birthday day 11 of the month?
Your Life
You are gracious, elegant and prudent. People admire your qualities and some even become jealous of you. You are realistic, flexible and adaptable. You are remarkably kind and moral person.
Your Love
You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to hand around the one you love.

Is your birthday day 12 of the month?
Your Life
You are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.
Your Love
You are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.

Is your birthday day 13 of the month?
Your Life
You are sincere and easy going. Flattering and charming around are not your style. You care so much for freedom that often leads you to the difficult path. Because of your sincerity, most people find you easy to be around although you are sometimes too straightforward.
Your Love
Your gentleness, care and sincerity make you an attractive person. Even though you don't intend to be charming, but you naturally are, especially in the eyes of opposite sex.

Is your birthday day 14 of the month?
Your Life
You are so confident that sometimes you forget about the people around you. If you have to be in one of the two teams, you will choose to be in the winning team. On the other hand, you are kind and caring but above all, you care for your own benefits. Your imagination is unique and often gets implemented shortly after it comes across.
Your Love
You will not get soft with the one you don't really like, no matter how hard he/she tries. But once you feel for someone you have chosen, there's no getting back.

Is your birthday day 15 of the month?
Your Life
You are outgoing and love to be at the center of attention. From the outside, you may seem flashy, flirty, and tricky but your true self is strong, full of hope to be the leader. When you fail to convince someone, you will get frustrated, and perhaps let your temper shows.
Your Love
You are emotional. Many can win your heart at once, but not for long. This is why you hardly win a decent relationship.

Is your birthday day 16 of the month?
Your Life
You always follow the good and the right instead of listening to your heart. Another word, you are a perfectionist. You care for every word people say about you. You often seen isolated while you are, by nature, curious and a dreamer who is ready to get over the edge to make your dream comes true.
Your Love
You often fall in love with a person who is much different from you, in age and other aspects. Your relationship grows on friendship. Love at fist sight is not your style.

Is your birthday day 17 of the month?
Your Life
You neither want to be interfered nor have the desire to mess with others' life. But you are friendly and occasionally a party animal. You are always in a circle of friends. You often do things in your own way that occasionally go beyond the acceptable limit. People may find you childish and not very attractive in that sense.
Your Love
Your fun-loving character attracts opposite sex. Many of those are great. You often find yourself trapped among a few great guys while you have to choose only one.

Is your birthday day 18 of the month?
Your Life
At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.
Your Love
You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

Is your birthday day 19 of the month?
Your Life
You are great in managing everything in your life and this is how you gain respect from others. Because of this quality, you sometimes feel that you are better than the rest. Extreme confidence might lead you to the wrong path. You are a free bird and want to lead your own life.
Your Love
You love life is rather different from others'. When you are in love, nothing can stop you. You may often fight with your partner but, soon after that, you will make up in a way that surprises others.

Is your birthday day 20 of the month?
Your Life
You are prudent, circumspect and take things seriously. Before you make any move, you will think of a few alternatives that might take a while. You are patient, imaginative and target oriented. You value friendship more than anything else does.
Your Love
You usually study your partner carefully before making any move. You never demand anything beyond the natural quality of that person. Your sincerity doesn't bring excitement in your love life but it brings deeply grown relationship.

Is your birthday day 21 of the month?
Your Life
You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seems like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours.
Your Love
You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream man is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy in your heart.

Is your birthday day 22 of the month?
Your Life
You have the boss character, but not a leader. Most people look up to you for your capability and confidence although they find you quite stubborn. You should listen more to others. You are a unique and charming individual.
Your Love
You hardly take the moderate track. You either love or hate someone. Whom you call friends are the chosen ones. If any of them betray you, you won't let them get away without having hard time.

Is your birthday day 23 of the month?
Your Life
You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are an independent individual who loves challenges and excitement. You are ready to face with the result of your decision. You are usually the one your friends count on.
Your Love
Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbiddenlove affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not realize it.

Is your birthday day 24 of the month?
Your Life
You are very optimistic and that's why you always enjoy life. You are gifted in entertaining others. Your friends love and trust you. You'll be the first they come to when they are in need of someone to speak their heart out.
Your Love
Sometimes you fall in love just because you want to be in love, not that you really like that person. You always be seen as a sweet couple but you can't really get over your love ones from past. Your partner is usually crazy about you because you are remarkably charming and romantic.

Is your birthday day 25 of the month?
Your Life
You are a warrior. No obstacle can stop you from reaching your goal. You always keep yourself busy. This quality plus your responsibility will eventually bring you success.
Your Love
You adore your partner as the number one priority. You value your love one more than yourself. Your love is the greatest of all and your have potential to get married young.

Is your birthday day 26 of the month?
Your Life
You are always curious and responsive to changes. Routine life is not the way you choose to live. Travelling is your favorite hobby because excitement is what you are after.
Your Love
You will not stand being around the one you dislike. Your love comes and goes quickly. You can be deeply in love but soon after you will be looking around for the next one.

Is your birthday day 27 of the month?
Your Life
You are sensitive and vulnerable. Tears often run down your cheeks even when the matter is not that bad. This might be the result from being to pessimistic. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind loving person.
Your Love
You will be elegantly dressed, no matter how casually dressed your date may be. You are demanding in love and sometimes to an unacceptable extend.

Is your birthday day 28 of the month?
Your Life
You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.
Your Love
You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love.

Is your birthday day 29 of the month?
Your Life
You can trust your sixth sense. Life is exciting so routine job is not your interest. You have great ideas and fantastic imagination. You often feel tired of things and people around you.
Your Love
You can tell what's in the mind of another person just from looking into his/her eyes. You are paranoid and jealous and these are the cause of fights between you and your lover. Sometimes the thing you believe in is just your imagination.

Is your birthday day 30 of the month?
Your Life
A circle of friends always surrounds you. You are friendly and fun to be with. Although you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but over all, they love your qualities.
Your Love
You want to have full control of your love and that's not a nice way to treat your partner. You take your time in saying yes to his wedding proposal or if you are a man, you will not propose anyone until you are certainly confident which might take ages.

Is your birthday day 31 of the month?
Your Life
Your emotion is hard to predict. You can be sad this minute and happy in the next. People might find it difficult to follow your emotion and understand you. You tend to take things seriously. Your Love
You take your time to study a person before falling in love. Once you decide that he or she is the one, no one can stop you from making progress, even your partner. Top

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Top

George Carlin Quotes For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Also for hose of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin! A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes: 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 29. How is it possible to have a civil war? 31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? 35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?