Dear miss Brenda, hello.i don't know if you'll actually read this, but it is my hope that you would or will. I know it is probably way too much to ask and even more to think you would and I don't truly expect you to.

Miss Brenda, I am sorry. Truly and completely sorry. I'm sure by now you know more than I even know and I know too much. I cannot express the position(s) I was in, put in, forced into. I have zero excuse as I figure that somehow I deserved every last bit of what I got though I'm not so sure what it was I did necessarily to deserve all the things that happened. If I knew exactly what it was I did to be so hated, believe me, I would accept full responsibility for it as I accept full responsibility for everything that happened from 2019 to 2022/23. I may never know the full consequences and truly, I hope that I don't. I feel like in some way, just the fact that I lost not just all the material things, but the love of people I truly loved and cared about and trusted and admired and believed in, is probably the worst of it all.

Knowing that I think is probably the worst thing for me. Forget all the rest. I lost friends. I lost everything when I lost Jim, Dave, Lisa, you and Don and so many others I cannot name, from Hope and Jorma to everyone else I knew and knew me.

Miss Brenda, recently I have been in contact with one of the most important people in my life. Truly, when I say this, it's true. You, I believe, even after everything, know that I'm not a liar, that I don't stretch the truth, not for you, not for anyone, not even for my own self....I wanted this person to meet all of yall. I wanted this person to meet the people who helped to form me as the person I had become. Not the person I became the last few years, but the person I was. (I have changed somewhat and I don't particularly like the changes I've made....) I always hoped that this person would meet everyone one day so they could meet the people who had some of the most profound effects upon and in my life as a human being. Who taught me more than I could put into words. How to love, how to forgive, how not to judge so easily and so much more than that. All I can do now is talk about those people and remember those people and what those people still, even after all the b.s., mean to me.

Miss Brenda, believe me when I say I know everybody hates me. It sure enough took a long time to figure it out. I didn't know. I guess I should have or maybe I did and just refused to believe it possible, or refused to accept it. I know now though and I suppose that's the best part. That I really know now, and I do accept it. I just don't know what I did to actually deserve that hatred. I don't know when exactly it started. I didn't realize it was so until around 2020 I guess. And December 2020, I tried my best to let life go. I hoped I would die and that damn woman hit the brakes!! And so here I am still today.

I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I lost who I was. The person you knew me to be. Yeah, I still love and care about people. Yes, I still wish the best for people. Yes I still have high hopes for the world. I just don't get to laugh, I don't and won't allow myself to begin to trust anyone anymore, I can't let myself feel like something, anything at all will be good for me, happen to me.

I never thought I'd ever be put in the positions I was forced into. I never thought for one second that I would be used in some of the most ruthless of ways....by not just people, but police officers, sheriff's deputies and city officers alike. Wow. It took a long time to see what exactly was going on. And by that time, my life was already ruined in ways I still know nor will I I'm sure. I knew, I know, I'm not the smartest person, I never really thought I was super smart or even decently smart. But I knew I had some brains, and I know that there were people who knew I was stupid and they took advantage of that and they used that in ways they never should have. I won't forget that. I won't forget the damage done, not just by them, whoever they may be though I have ideas/suspicions, but by myself also. And I'll eat that for the rest of my life. People will say it's all my fault. I get that. That's what people want me to believe, that's what people need to say to rid themselves of the guilt, and that's OK. I guess anyway.

Miss Brenda, when I say I'm sorry, I mean I'm sorry. For the things I know I said, for the things I know I did. Hell, I'm even sorry for not knowing what I did. For whatever I did to make everyone hate me, and not knowing what that was, I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do about any of it now. I can change nothing. I have really no desire to try to change any of it now. I wish it had never happened in the first place, yes. But it did and nothing can change it.

I so wish that it hadn't been those I loved and admired and cared about and trusted and believed in, and God damn me for this: still love, admire, care about and believe in. Because unlike those, I cannot turn away from those. I cannot hate them. I cannot not love them, admire them, believe in them, care about them. Not after what they taught me. They didn't teach me those things. They didn't teach me to hate anyone. They didn't teach me to not care. They didn't teach me hate. I guess in the end, they did though. I just didn't see it until it was too late. Sometimes I wonder if I had caught it sooner, what life would be be like. If had realized I was so hated, would I have just walked away, would I have just left and never looked back? Would it have changed anything really? And all the lies about me too? My reputation wasn't much I'm know, I got that, but to destroy what it was? And no way to get what little bit I had back? I've started over so many times in my life that I'm afraid to start over because I know I'll have to do it over again, and then again....and yet again....so really why put in an effort when every year or few years it will just fall apart yet again? Ruined not just my life, but the lives of others who could have and would have benefitted....oh well....

It is my hope one day Miss Brenda, that when I talk about those people, that who I talk to know those people through my words. It is my hope when that person gets to know me, they will get to know those who raised me to be the person they get to know. It is my hope that they will come to know you, Mr Don, Jim, Dave and all the others who played a role in my life, who helped raise me to be a good person, who taught me what love was. It is my hope that one day, maybe, that I would be able to introduce that person to those people. It is only a hope I have.

I came up with a saying about hope miss Brenda: for without hope, peace, love, faith nor joy can exist. I firmly believe that.

I don't have much faith anymore. I still believe in God. Yes. But faith? Nah. Joy? Doubt that I'll ever feel joy again. Love? I don't see that either in my life except for two people: my son, my daughter and my son, well, I doubt he will ever want to meet me or talk to me so....peace? I suppose that's subjective isn't it? I live in constant fear now. Huh. Peace will not exist for me. Not now.

Anyway Miss Brenda, I'm closing now. Take care. I love you all. I miss you all. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't know if you remember when I used to say "keep the faith," but, keep the faith Miss Brenda. Someone has to....might as well be those who are faithful....I guess I'm not so I wont....peace.... >

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