JOKES & STUFF

To Tickle Your Funnybone


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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

A contemporary view

 

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___ing wanted to.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:

To Whom It May Concern and the Department Heads, all secretaries, janitors, garage attendants, street personnel, jay walkers and passers-by.

Let it be known that:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and united market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation on a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR..: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

BILL CLINTON: I did not have an improper relationship with that chicken.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, do your taxes, and balance your check book with a soon to come update…The Road Kill Chicken Handbook, first edition (all user-friendly if you have Microsoft, and only Microsoft, and nothing but Microsoft, so help you God!

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road…it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I can't believe I missed one! What road was that?

 

 

A Letter From a Parent to a Student

 

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 2 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last Arkansas family that here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address. Wish we'd a been that smart.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and 4 days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment in Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your father; he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister; she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, by the fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We creamated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the fridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other ones was in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news at this time, nothing much has happened. Write more often.

Mom

PS Was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

 

Family Stress Test

Test your family to see if you need counseling.

 

Fill in the blanks with:

0 if the statement is never true,

    1. if it is rarely true,
    2. if it is sometimes true, and
    3. if it is always true.
    1. _____Conversations often begin with, "Put the gun down, and then we'll talk".
    2. _____The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
    3. _____The cat is on Valium.
    4. _____People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
    5. _____You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
    6. _____The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
    7. _____No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
    8. _____"Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
    9. _____You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
    10. _____Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

 

Scoring:

30 is a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up!

    1. You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
    1. Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

An Excuse Worth Its Weight In Gold

 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says "called The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Her husband slurs, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the pisser's made of gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day shecks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," he answers.

"Do you have golden doors?"

"Most certainly do, madam."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"We certainly have, madam."

"What about the urinals? Are they golden too?"

There's a long silence followed by the somewhat muffled voice of the bartender as he yells, "Hey, Duke, I think I have a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Political Scholastic Aptitude Test (PSAT)

 

This test consists of one multiple-choice question:

Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:

China 1945-46

Korea 1950-53

China 1950-53

Guatemala 1954

Indonesia 1958

Cuba 1959-60

Guatemala 1960

Congo 1964

Peru 1965

Laos 1964-73

Vietnam 1961-73

Cambodia 1969-70

Guatemala 1967-69

Grenada 1983

Libya 1986

El Salvador 1980s

Nicaragua 1980s

Panama 1989

Iraq 1991-99

Sudan 1998

Afghanistan 1998

Yugoslavia 1999

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following:

(a) 0

(b) zero

(c) none

(d) not a one

(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

_

An Email From God

 

Dear Son,

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He decided to E-Mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-Mail said?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Oh, so you didn't get one either?!!!





The Contest

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded.They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves ".Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mails with attachments. They downloaded.They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves ".




Y2K - A Blonde's Interpretation


Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:


TO: My Boss
From: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from 1999 to Y2K


I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion. The calendars have returned from the
printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk


I also changed all the days of each week to:


Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak


We are now Y to K compliant.




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