Brodie:"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his *ss. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all, but the next week he did it again! Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat, and I says to him 'Jesus Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck up your *ss too, why don't you knock it off?' And he said to me, 'Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a wierd guy.

Brodie:"Usual vault rules apply: touch not lest ye be touched."
T.S.:"You're such an anal retentive bastard."
Brodie:"Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no, you wanted to play little league instead."

T.S.:"Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints. Says you have no directiion, no college ambition, no job prospects..."
Brodie:"Yeah, it also says I have no dick. But you'll notice that follows the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."
T.S.:"Oh no, she calls you callow in here."
Brodie:"You say that like it's bad."
T.S.:"Well, it means frightened and weak-willed."
Brodie:"Really. Sh*t, that was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."

Brodie:"There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss."
T.S.:"Ritual suicide?"
Brodie:"No, you idiot! The f*cking mall!"

Brodie:"I love the smell of commerce in the morning!"

Brodie:"Man, why cant they bring back a remake good show? It's like BJ and the Bear. Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey."

Jay:"Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and sh*t."

Little Girl:"Wow! It's a schooner!"
Willam:"You dumb bastard! That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!"
Little Boy:"A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!"

Brodie:"The cookie stand's not part of the food court."
T.S.:"Of course it is."
Brodie:"The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It's not like we're talking quantum physics here."
T.S.:"The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eateries are part of the food court."
Brodie:"Bullsh*t! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an atonimous unit for mid-mall snacking."

Brodie:"I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!"
T.S.:"What is with you today?"
Brodie""Now don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!"
T.S.:"That's kind of a harsh lesson, don't you think?"
Brodie""Man, there's not a year goes by, not one year, that I don't here about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could have easily been avoided if some parent, I don't care which one, but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"

Trisha:"So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning in some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?"
Brodie:"Be fair, all right. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."

Jay:"Fly, Fat*ss, FLY!

Brodie:"There, that was romantic, right? Passionate, yeah."
Rene:"No, Brodie, that was too little too late."
Brodie:"Too little?! I thought you said it was a good size!"
Rene:"The effort, you retard. The effort was too little too late. And now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size, it's a nice way of saying it's small."

Gwen:"You're overreacting again! You know, that's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why ours did. You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party when we were in high school.
T.S.:"You f*cked Rick Daris on a gaming table! With everyone watching, no less!"
Gwen""It was a costume party, T.S. No one could tell it was me! Besides, who else but you remembers sh*t like that?"

Shannon:"I use that to f*ck them some place very uncomfortable."
Brodie:"What, like the back of a Volkswagon?"

T.S.:"Now that is one of your more admirably deploreable traits. You, unlike me would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizen's community if you believed in the principle."
Brodie:"Yeah, but only if they were really old."

Brodie:"You're going to listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man! Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our relationship that I don't know shit? I mean half the time I'm just talking out of my *ss-- or sticking my hand in it."

T.S.:"Miss Ivannah, why are you stuck here in this dirt mall? I mean, how come you're not at some larger upscale commercial center? You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.
Ivannah:"Well, believe it or not, some people still frown upon topless fortune telling. And unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective.
Ivannah:"Well, it's the third nipple that does it."
T.S.:"Oh, you have a third nipple?"
Brodie:"What are you talking about?! It's as clear as day! Look at it for God's sake!!"

Jay:"Snoochie boochie noochies!"

Stan Lee:"But you know, I think you oughtta get him some help. He seems to be hung up on superheroes sex organs."

Brandi:"Suitor number two--"
Brodie:"Can't you call me the second suitor? Suitor number two sounds like a bathroom code, you know."
Brandi:"O.K. Second suitor, if we were making whoopee--"
Brodie:"What's whoopee?"
Brandi:"Umm...uh, well, if we were uh, if we were being intimate--"
Brodie:"What, like f*cking?"

Brandi:"Suitor number three. Is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?"
Gill:"Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some firm pressure, and when I 'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed."
Brodie:"Where do you come up with this sh*t? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard. I saw you kiss, and it was nothing like that."
Gill:"Who the hell did you see me kiss?"
Brodie:"Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed."
Gill:"I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay."
Brodie:"Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with?"
Gill:"I don't hate gay people!"
Brodie:"So you love them?"
Gill:"Yes! I mean no!"
Brodie:"Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality."

T.S.:"Suppose you end up with one of us."
Brodie:"Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here."
Gill:"Oh, now I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!"
Brodie:"How come? Because he's fat? MNow you have something against fat people too?"

Brodie:"My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of a sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they strat whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doomwhen all of a sudden the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself. It lands safely, and everyone puts their pieces or whatever, you know away, and you know, deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone.
Gill:"So, did he come or what?"
Brodie:"Jesus, man! There are just some things you don't talk about in public!"

Brodie:"You. All right, I believe you have something that belongs to me."
Shannon:"Oh yeah, what's that?"
Brodie:"Not you, *sshole. The girl. You have my heart."
Rene:"What can I say. I love the retard."

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