Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so -
thereby proving that . . . Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
**H**
********
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown
with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying
polite words and playing soft music; he did anything he could think of.
Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he
shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of
desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he
heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there
was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your
forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had
changed him...when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken
did
**H**
*********
.
Q. Whats the difference between the Titanic and Bill Clinton?
A. Only 2000 people went down on the Titanic!!
Q. Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A. Because she didn't have any arms.
A man walked into a pub one day and said to his mates "I just found a very
sexy woman tied to the train tracks, so I untied her and took her home.
Then I made love to her all night". His mate said "Wow! What did
she look like?" And the man replied "I dunno. I couldn't find her head."
Q. What do you call an Indian lesbian?
A. Mingita
Q. Why shouldnt you wear Russian boxer shorts?
A. Chernobyl fallout
**H**
************
One day Jim gets up and notices he smells awful. So he goes and has a shower he scrubs himself real good, right? But he gets out and he still smells. he looks in the mirror and sees that he is looking damn good, "Lookin' good!" he tells himself, thing is he still stinks. So he absolutely heaps on deodarant, aftershave, the whole she-bang, right? He goes downstairs for breakfast with his housemates.
"Hey looking good!" Tina, one of his flatmates tells him.
"But you smell really bad, mate" Simon, his other flatmate tells him.
Jim leaves for work and in the office car park he sees his friend George, "Hey looking nice today, Jim. But... hey... whats that smell... is that you? Shit you stink. Here go see my doctor" he says as he hands Jim an address.
So Jim goes to see this doctor and explains his problem.
"Hmmmmm.. Looks good, smells terrible. I think I've know your problem. I'm afraid you are a cunt."
**H**
**********
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all
the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the
trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may
enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
*****
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table,with the woman acting unconcerned. The
waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.After
the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the
woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
**H**
***********
Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the
following three conditions:
1. $10.00 to have sex on the floor.
2. $20.00 to have sex on the couch.
3. $30.00 to have sex on the bed.
One day, a Mexican approaches the prostitute and slaps a $10 bill on the
table. They proceed to have sex on the floor.
Later that day, an American approaches the prostitute and slaps a $20
bill on the table. They proceed to have sex on the couch.
Still later that day, an approaches the prostitute and slaps $30 on the
table. Excited to see such a big spender, the prostitute said, "Finally,
a guy with class..."
The Indian responds, "No no no, I want three times on the floor. "
**K**
**********
This old woman, about 83, is talking to her friend about how her and her husband don't have sex anymore. so her friend advises her to get some sexy underwear, telling her 'No red blooded man can resist it'.
So the old lady goes to a sex shop and goes home with her purchases. That night she puts on her undies and hides on top of their wardrobe. As her hubby climbs into bed she leaps on top him shouting 'Superfanny!' as she plummets.
Her husband lies there for several seconds before replying, "I'll have the soup please."
**H**
***********
One day this guy is driving along when he spots a man tied to a tree, in just his Boxer shorts and vest.
He stops and gets out to see to the man.
"What happened?" he asks the man.
"Well I was driving along", the man explains, "when I spotted this gorgeous woman standing next to a car with its bonnet raised. so I stopped to try and help when these men jumped out of the back seat clonked me over the head, stole my car, clothes and all my possesions, and left me tied to this tree."
"Oh dear", says the first man as he undoes his belt "It really isn't your day is it lover!"
**H**
***********
What have Princess Diana and land mines got in common?
They were both laid by dirty arabs
**H**
***********
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young
man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to
the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."
"How old are you, son?" the officer asked.
"I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be sixteen."
**H**
************
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
**H**
*************
Barry Mailow and Gary Glitter are on the Titantic and it's going down. So they're heading towards the lifeboats. They're about to get in one when a man stops them and says "Wait, women and children first!" To which Barry Manilow replies, "Aw fuck the children!" and Gary glitter adds
"Do we have time?"
**H**
*************
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
**H**
************
This fella catches a leprechaun.
(I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories. We'll skip this part...)
..so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish."
"When?"
"Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye."
That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures on his front porch.
The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?"
-Apologies-Hiro Protagonist-
**H**
************
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car
accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven`s gate waiting on St.Peter to do
an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in
Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don`t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let
me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really
should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn`t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don`t work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What`s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it`s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
**H**
*******
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
**H**
********
SON: DAD, I HAVE A SPECIAL REPORT FOR SCHOOL. CAN I ASK A QUESTION?
DAD: SURE SON, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
SON: WHAT IS POLITICS?
DAD: WELL SON, LET'S TAKE OUR HOME FOR EXAMPLE. I AM THE WAGE EARNER, SO LET'S CALL ME THE MANAGEMENT. YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO LET'S CALL HER THE GOVERNMENT. WE TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR NEEDS, SO LET'S CALL YOU THE PEOPLE. WE'LL CALL THE MAID THE WORKING CLASS AND YOUR BABY BROTHER THR FUTURE. UNDERSTAND?
SON: I'M NOT REALLY SURE DAD, I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
THAT NIGHT, THE BOY IS AWAKENED BY HIS BABY BROTHER'S CRYING, SO HE WENT TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG. DISCOVERING THAT THE BABY HAD A HEAVILY-SOILED DIAPER, THE BOY WENT TO HIS PARENT'S ROOM AND FOUND HIS MOTHER FAST ASLEEP. HE THAN WENT TO THE MAID'S ROOM, WHERE, PEEKING THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, HE SAW HIS FATHER IN BED WITH THE MAID. THE BOY'S KNOCKING WENT TOTALLY UNHEARD. THE BOY WENT BACK TO HIS ROOM AND WENT TO SLEEP UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING.....
SON: DAD, I THINK I UNDERSTAND POLITICS.
DAD: THAT'S GREAT SON, EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS.
SON: WHILE THE MANAGEMENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS, THE GOVERNMENT IS FAST ASLEEP, THE PEOPLE ARE BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED AND THE FUTURE IS FULL OF SHIT...
**H**
***********
Get away.