Once there was this lady and she was walking to the store when she passed her daughter (a hooker) who was in a line, "Why are you in that line honey?" Not wanting to tell her mom that she was caught being a hooker and they were at a police station to be arrested, she quickly blurts, "We are in line for free oranges." "I need oranges, I will just stand behind you." When the police finally get to the mother he asks, "How do you do it old lady?" Thinking he is referring to the eating of a orange she says, "I take off my dentures, peel back the skin and suck 'em dry."
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
******** And now it's time for a rebuttal ***************
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
WHAT THEY SAY & WHAT THEY MEAN
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry.= You'll be sorry.
We need =I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want= You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk =I need to complain
Sure... go ahead =I don't want you to.
I'm not upset= Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly =You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight= Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights =I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient= I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there= No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise= I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?= I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? =I did something today you're really not going to
like.
I'll be ready in a minute.= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? =Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. =Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?= Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? =Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes
to sleep.
I'm not yelling! =Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
WHAT HAVE i DONE!?!
(A PLAYA's TRAGEDY)
iT WAS A VERY NiCE DAY
WHEN i WALKED iNt0 CLASS
SAW ALL THE fRiEnDLY FACES
AND ALL DA GOOD LOOKiN ASS.
DEN i SAW DiS NEW HuNNiE
AND SHE LOOKED VERY NiCE
I WALKED RiGHT BY HER
WHiLE CHECKiN OUT HER MERCHANDiSE.
i GO TO SiT iN BACK OF HER
AND HER FACE STARTs TURNiN RED
i PASSED HER A NOTE
AND HERE iS WHAT iT SAiD:
"i LiKE YOUR FiRM BREAST, HuNNiE
i ALSO LiKE YOUR TiGHT ASS
LETS GET TOGETHA, BABY
AFTER DiS MOTHA F***** CLASS."
SHE PASSED ME BACK A NOTE
TELLiN HER PHONE # AND ADDRESS
iT GOT A TiME AND DATE ON iT
AwWww, i GUESS SHE WAS iMPRESSED.
AFTER DA LONG ASS CLASS,
WE FiNALLY GOT TO KiSS
SHE TOLD ME TO DROP BY AT 8
"DON'T WORRY HuNNIE, i AiN'T GONNA MiSS DiS".
SHE LiVE iN A WHiTE NEiGHBORHOOD
DAMN, hEr HOUSE iS FAR FROM ME
i KNOCK ON HER FRONT DOOR
AND HER BODY WAS ALL i COULD SEE
SHE WAS WEARiN DiS RED DRESS
DAT SHOWED ALL OF HER TiGHT TREASURES
SHE LOOKED SO DAMN FOiNE
i KNEW SHE GONNA GiMME SOME PLEASURE
SHE GiMME DA TOUR OF DA HOUSE
WHiCH ENDED iN A NICE LOOKiN BED
i LAiD HER DOWN ON iT
HER BODY CHiLLED AND START TURNiN RED.
i TOUCHED HER NiCE THiGH
AND iT FELT LiKE CHEAP RUBBER
i GLANCED AT HER ENORMOUS BREAST
AND iT LOOKED LiKE iT WAS "PUTTED ON HER".
WHAT iS HAPPENiN?
i DON'T UNDERSTAND
DEN i FiNNALY REALIZED DAT...
aWw dAyAm..dA BiTcH USED TO BE A MAN!
WOMEN ARE WONDERFUL
Everday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't S***!
BLONDES FIGHT BACK
1. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch ? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette ? Brown-bagging it.
3. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure ? No one else wants it.
4. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ? So brunettes can remember them.
5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes ? Invisible.
6. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage ? Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
7. What's a brunette's mating call? " Has the blonde left yet? "
8. Why don't brunettes make good cattle ranchers ? Because they can't keep their calves together.
9. What's the difference between a brunette and a 747 jet ? Some men have never been in a 747.
10. How does a brunette turn on the light after sex ? She opens the car door
THINGS TO DO WHILE TAKING YOUR DRIVERS TEST
1. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off, slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Swear at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
