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There's no more depressing feeling for a single lad than to wake up on 2 January having failed to score at all over the entire Christmas period. All thoses parties, all those babes, all those might-have-beens. To avoid such disappointment this year, the less confident amongst you might consider using pheromones over the festive season. But do they work? Reality sat in on an Oxford Student Radio experiment to find out once and for all!

DO PHEROMONES GET THE GIRL?

The experiment:

To take place over two consecutive Wednesdays at the same venues using the same chat-up lines. One week the volunteers wore a pheromone, the other a placebo, but they didn't know which they were wearing at the time. On both nights the volunteers wore the same clothes, ate the same food and drank the same quantities of the same drinks. To render the experiment completely objective, each was accompanied by a minder who nominated the chat-up line and, as important, the person who was subjected to it.

The Pheromone:

A male pheromone (designed to attract women), from Human Response Laboratory (ad in the back of Viz) which markets a range of male and female pheromones. Smells like cologne. The placebo was cologne.

Scoring:

Points were awarded for response to the volunteers' approaches: positive points for a positive response, negative ones for a haddock round the cheek. A mild positive response such as a smile got 10 points, while leaving with someone scored the full 100 points (and some hot action). On the downside, being ignored lost you only 10 points, but being thrown out and barred earned you a hefty maximum fine of 100 points.

Results:

Total scores for all four volunteers, followed by the improvement the pheromone made on their scoring action:

Conclusions:

Whadda you think!!! up 840% .

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PHEROMONES - THE FACTS

Pheromones are natural scents which play an important role in sexual communication.

Animals and humans release masses of biological chemicals in tears, saliva and perspiration. These aromas convey signals relating to mood, status, drive and health to the subconscious awareness of the female. The dominant male will exude more of these biological attractants than his submissive counterpart, consequently he inevitably attracts more females and enjoys more conquests.

This philosophy holds good in the animal world, but due to social and hygiene standards adopted by the human race, some considerable interference with nature has resulted. Pheromones are casualties in the bathroom, they fall victim to deodorants, anti-perspirants, antiseptics etc., in fact man has used science to deprive himself of his primary attraction to the opposite sex.

Having denuded himself of his natural sexual messengers he then dons aftershaves, colognes and other fragrant adornments in order to exude a fragrance which he believes will effectively attract females. The modern female certainly enjoys a pleasant aroma, and it would be farcical to suggest that a sexually mature male should revert back to nature and cease the use of toiletries.

In order to redress the situation, the scientists at the Human Response Laboratories have reproduced a complex of the most important human pheromones which have been incorporated into compatible modern masculine fragrances, thus enabling the user to apply at will the biological attractants which ensure a positive female response to his presence.

For decades perfumiers have sought to produce an attractant effect by offering compounds made from animal musks derived from the Civet cat and the Deer. These may attract the species named but would have no effect upon humans. Human Response Laboratories guarantee the authenticity of their products and assure users that no animal testing or materials are involved. Your 15ml spray pocket applicator contains a desirable modern masculine fragrance, combined with a concentrated Pheromone attractant which is imperceptible to the female although working effectively upon her subconscious awareness. The Pheromone will remain long after the fragrance has faded.

For the most natural effect, use as an aftershave and apply the spray to the underarms, chest, wrists and other suitable hotspots.

Our Pheromones products contain Androstenal and Androstenone at five times normal active strength, masked within up to date masculine fragances

HUMAN RESPONSE LABORATORIES

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WHAT OTHERS SAY : UK TESTIMONIALS

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Pheromone technology has been widely covered and tested by the media, perhaps the most popularly quoted effective results having been shown on the B.B.C. Tomorrows World programme. We can't claim that everytime an individual applies the Pheromone spray he will become the centre of female attraction, too many imponderables exist. One thing is for certain though, that is with the aid of the very latest technology and for a very small cost, he will have given himself the very best platform for success. the rest will always then be up to him.

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QUOTES FROM THE PRESS:

"And now the Pheromone has been marketed, we've tested it and good grief it works".
KNAVE

"Heaven scent the secret of sexcess, this spray gives men a heady start when it comes to the mating game"
THE SUN

"Male Pheromone secretions not only attract women , but repel other males"
WORLD MEDICINE

"This stuff makes Petunia want to screw like a bunny"
OUI

From our own testimonial library, typical quotes:

"WOW, how could I ever have managed without this stuff. Girls seem to be over me like a rash. Stuff telling my mates about it, this stuff is sexual dynamite"
M.C. Glasgow

P.S. "SX1 Works like a charm, please rush me my order."
J.H. Palermo, Sicily

"This is an amazing product, I work at a disco and I am selling it to the lads at £1 a squirt on their way in."
F.R. Bradford

"I was suprised by your prompt delivery, e-mail can be a bit dodgy, but I was even more suprised by the results. At my job at a hotel I am now regularly being flirted with by a succession of very attractive women, and in the crowded bar I am constantly being touched and rubbed against by females. The various smells work on different types of women. Please rush me my new order"
B.B. Wardie, Edinburgh

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We are the premier manufacturer of Pheromone products for wholesale and retail sale throughout the world. Others write clever adverts making bogus claims linking themselves with Newspaper and Magazine articles, and the B.B.C.'s "Tomorrows World" tests etc. Can we state here and now, that as far as we are aware, we are the only manufacturers of Pheromone products to have actually been featured by B.B.C. Television and Radio. Recent independent tests by Oxford student Radio, found that wearing our Product improved scoring capacity by up to 840%. Results in detail were published in MAXIM mens magazine in January 1996

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