Q. How do potheads greet each other?
A. High ya doing?
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To smoke a big, fat hooter.
Puff me out, I'm jonesin'.
Hemp Quality Test
1. (yes) or (no)
What would you rather be or a log?
2. (true) or (false)
How high is the Empire State Building?
If you answered any of these questions your hemp is of satisfactory quality.
Q. How do you know a deadhead's been to your house?
A. He's still there!
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He was pissed off because he laid awake all night trying to figure out if there was a dog.
Q. What do a hippie and a tampon have in common?
A. They are both uptight, outta sight and in the groove.
Q. How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five. One to screw it in, and four to argue about how much better Jerry would have done it.
Q. How do firefighters smoke weed?
A. Stop, drop, and roll.
Q. Where do you hide your money from a Deadhead?
A. Under the soap.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry we don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom says: "Come on, just one drink! I'm a fun-gi."
Quit fucking up the rotation,... puff, puff, give!
Q. How do you know you're stoned?
A. When you're eating on the way home, thinking about what you're going to eat when you get there.
Q. What do you get when you cross a stoner and a Michael Bolton fan?
A. Doesn't matter, it would never happen.
Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a rock?
A. One laughs.
Q. What is the definition of burnt?
A. When you forget to cover the end of your steamroller.
Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a Critter (like from the movie)?
A. Critters don't eat as much.
A man is smoking a spliff of his best skunk of the year in his back garden on New Year's Eve.
He hears a high pitched "excuse me!" and looks down to see a little snail perched on the toe of one of shoes.
The man says "Hello there, little snail!"
The snail grins a little snail grin and replies in his high-pitched snail voice, "Hello man, Happy New Year. That skunk smells good! Would you mind if I had a little snail toot on your reefer?."
The man frowns at the thought of scummy snail lips soaking the end of his joint in slime and replies "Piss off you phlegm-oozing little shit!" and kicks the little snail from his toe into the bushes at the end of the garden.
The next New Year's Eve, the man is again smoking a spliff of his best skunk of the year in his back garden.
He looks down and sees the snail sliding towards his shoe.
The snail says annoyed "Okay,okay, there's no need to be like that!"
There were three potheads smoking under a tree when they saw a flying elephant.
They all looked at it, then one of them said: "There is only one explanation of that: His nest must be quite near..."
Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one... but the light bulb must be willing to change...
Q. Do you want to get high?
A. You mean 'er.
Q. What do they call a pot smoker with two joints?
A radio DJ announces "Everyone call in with your best seventies phrases."
So guy calls in "How about 'groovy.'"
DJ: "Yeah, that's OK."
Guy: "How 'bout 'neato.'"
DJ: "Yeah that's alright."
Guy: " ok then how about 'ear.'"
DJ: "What do you mean ear."
Guy: "You know, pass it to me, 'ear.'"
Got any good pothead/hippie/stoner/grass/weed/marijuana/tea/lid/pot jokes? Send em in to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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