These jokes, all involving pot and/or getting stoned (or the Grateful Dead), were found on various sites on the NET!!!
So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"
One stoner looked at the other and said, "Man! Did you see the dick on that bug?"
Finally, the stoner said, "Let's just wait."
A. Two, one to twist it and one to light it.
A. Mr. President.
A. He fell out of the tree.
A. A pot belly.
A. Double Jointed.
A. A chronically late person.
The hippie then asks for some fries and says, "Not too soft, not too crispy, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook then gives him a dirty look, but still makes the fries anyway.
The hippie comes up to the counter one last time and says, "Gimme a burger - not too rare, not too well-done, but in the groove man, in the groove." By this time the cook is pissed off. He storms out of the kitchen, walks up to the hippie, pulls his pants down and says, "You can kiss my ass! Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove."
So Jerry walks up to him and after their initial greetings says, "This is fantastic, man! I never thought heaven would be like this, spending all of eternity playing music with all the great ones!"
Pigpen looks up at Jerry and says, "What? You mean you think you're in heaven?"
Just then, Karen Carpenter appears on stage, takes the microphone, and says, "Alright now, one more time until you get it right: 'Close to you.'"
You thought the movie "Twister" was about a guy who rolls good joints.
An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!!!
They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs.
The first guy says, "Twenty-four!"
"Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?"
"Simple," says the head. "I just show them:`
'O' - This is your brain;
'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?"
"Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed."
"And how did you manage that?"
"Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people:
'o' - this is your asshole;
'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."
A. Passed out & Dreaming.
A. 146, 147.
A. High ya doing?
A. To smoke a big, fat hooter.
Puff me out, I'm jonesin'.
1. (yes) or (no)
What would you rather be or a log?
2. (true) or (false)
How high is the Empire State Building?
If you answered any of these questions your hemp is of satisfactory quality.
A. He's still there!
He was pissed off because he laid awake all night trying to figure out if there was a dog.
A. They are both uptight, outta sight and in the groove.
A. Five. One to screw it in, and four to argue about how much better Jerry would have done it.
A. Stop, drop, and roll.
A. Under the soap.
The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry we don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom says: "Come on, just one drink! I'm a fun-gi."
A. When you're eating on the way home, thinking about what you're going to eat when you get there.
A. Doesn't matter, it would never happen.
A. One laughs.
A. When you forget to cover the end of your steamroller.
A. Critters don't eat as much.
He hears a high pitched "excuse me!" and looks down to see a little snail perched on the toe of one of shoes.
The man says "Hello there, little snail!"
The snail grins a little snail grin and replies in his high-pitched snail voice, "Hello man, Happy New Year. That skunk smells good! Would you mind if I had a little snail toot on your reefer?."
The man frowns at the thought of scummy snail lips soaking the end of his joint in slime and replies "Piss off you phlegm-oozing little shit!" and kicks the little snail from his toe into the bushes at the end of the garden.
The next New Year's Eve, the man is again smoking a spliff of his best skunk of the year in his back garden.
He looks down and sees the snail sliding towards his shoe.
The snail says annoyed "Okay,okay, there's no need to be like that!"
They all looked at it, then one of them said: "There is only one explanation of that: His nest must be quite near..."
A. Only one... but the light bulb must be willing to change...
A. You mean 'er.
So guy calls in "How about 'groovy.'"
DJ: "Yeah, that's OK."
Guy: "How 'bout 'neato.'"
DJ: "Yeah that's alright."
Guy: " ok then how about 'ear.'"
DJ: "What do you mean ear."
Guy: "You know, pass it to me, 'ear.'"