Stoner Jokes

These jokes, all involving pot and/or getting stoned (or the Grateful Dead), were found on various sites on the NET!!!

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint."

So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?

Your mama is so fat she sat on a pot plant and seeds popped out.

Lorraina Bobbit was driving down the street, and these two stoners were driving right behind her. She threw out her boyfriend's penis out the car window and it hit the stoner's windshield.

One stoner looked at the other and said, "Man! Did you see the dick on that bug?"

A drunk, an acid-tripper, a speed-freak, and a stoner came to the village's edge which was surrounded by walls. It would be another 12 hours before the gate was opened. The drunk wanted to "break down the walls." The acid-tripper thought they could all "become the size of dust and float through the key hole." The speed-freak wanted to "climb the walls really fast." The four could not agree.

Finally, the stoner said, "Let's just wait."

Q. How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two, one to twist it and one to light it.

Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?

A. Mr. President.

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?

A. Wave.

Q. How did the hippie break his arm raking leaves?

A. He fell out of the tree.

Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana seeds?

A. A pot belly.

Q. What do you call a bud smoker with two spliffs?

A. Double Jointed.

Q. What do you call someone who smokes up every day at 4:21?

A. A chronically late person.

There once was a man from Madras, Who had a big bong made of glass, He took a big rip, then grew really hip, And he blew the smoke out of his ass.

A hippie walks into a diner and the cook says, "What would you like?" The hippie says, "Give me a milk shake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook gets a little annoyed but makes the shake.

The hippie then asks for some fries and says, "Not too soft, not too crispy, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook then gives him a dirty look, but still makes the fries anyway.

The hippie comes up to the counter one last time and says, "Gimme a burger - not too rare, not too well-done, but in the groove man, in the groove." By this time the cook is pissed off. He storms out of the kitchen, walks up to the hippie, pulls his pants down and says, "You can kiss my ass! Not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove."

Jerry comes to his senses right after his death, looks around and sees that he is in the midst of rock music's late great ones: Jimi Hendix, Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, and many more. He even sees his old friend Pigpen.

So Jerry walks up to him and after their initial greetings says, "This is fantastic, man! I never thought heaven would be like this, spending all of eternity playing music with all the great ones!"

Pigpen looks up at Jerry and says, "What? You mean you think you're in heaven?"

Just then, Karen Carpenter appears on stage, takes the microphone, and says, "Alright now, one more time until you get it right: 'Close to you.'"

Two heads are sitting under a tree smoking a joint. A man walks up and says, "Hey! Don't you know that smoking pot makes you ignorant and apathetic?" One of the heads looks up at the man and says, "I don't know and I don't care!"

You might be a pothead if:

You thought the movie "Twister" was about a guy who rolls good joints.

The Pot Paradox:

An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!!!

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."

So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.)

They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs.

The first guy says, "Twenty-four!"

"Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?"

"Simple," says the head. "I just show them:`
'O' - This is your brain;
'o' - this is your brain on drugs."

"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?"

"Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed."

"And how did you manage that?"

"Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people:
'o' - this is your asshole;
'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."

Q. What do you call a stoner in a room full of nude supermodels?

A. Passed out & Dreaming.

Q. What do you say when you see two deadheads layin on the street, coming home from a concert?

A. 146, 147.

Q. How do potheads greet each other?

A. High ya doing?

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To smoke a big, fat hooter.

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Puff Who?

Puff me out, I'm jonesin'.

Hemp Quality Test

1. (yes) or (no)

What would you rather be or a log?

2. (true) or (false)

How high is the Empire State Building?

If you answered any of these questions your hemp is of satisfactory quality.

Q. How do you know a deadhead's been to your house?

A. He's still there!

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He was pissed off because he laid awake all night trying to figure out if there was a dog.

Q. What do a hippie and a tampon have in common?

A. They are both uptight, outta sight and in the groove.

Q. How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Five. One to screw it in, and four to argue about how much better Jerry would have done it.

Q. How do firefighters smoke weed?

A. Stop, drop, and roll.

Q. Where do you hide your money from a Deadhead?

A. Under the soap.

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom says: "Come on, just one drink! I'm a fun-gi."

Quit fucking up the rotation,... puff, puff, give!

Q. How do you know you're stoned?

A. When you're eating on the way home, thinking about what you're going to eat when you get there.

Q. What do you get when you cross a stoner and a Michael Bolton fan?

A. Doesn't matter, it would never happen.

Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a rock?

A. One laughs.

Q. What is the definition of burnt?

A. When you forget to cover the end of your steamroller.

Q. What's the difference between a stoner and a Critter (like from the movie)?

A. Critters don't eat as much.

A man is smoking a spliff of his best skunk of the year in his back garden on New Year's Eve.

He hears a high pitched "excuse me!" and looks down to see a little snail perched on the toe of one of shoes.

The man says "Hello there, little snail!"

The snail grins a little snail grin and replies in his high-pitched snail voice, "Hello man, Happy New Year. That skunk smells good! Would you mind if I had a little snail toot on your reefer?."

The man frowns at the thought of scummy snail lips soaking the end of his joint in slime and replies "Piss off you phlegm-oozing little shit!" and kicks the little snail from his toe into the bushes at the end of the garden.

The next New Year's Eve, the man is again smoking a spliff of his best skunk of the year in his back garden.

He looks down and sees the snail sliding towards his shoe.

The snail says annoyed "Okay,okay, there's no need to be like that!"

There were three potheads smoking under a tree when they saw a flying elephant.

They all looked at it, then one of them said: "There is only one explanation of that: His nest must be quite near..."

Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one... but the light bulb must be willing to change...

Q. Do you want to get high?

A. You mean 'er.

Q. What do they call a pot smoker with two joints?

A. Happy.

A radio DJ announces "Everyone call in with your best seventies phrases."

So guy calls in "How about 'groovy.'"

DJ: "Yeah, that's OK."

Guy: "How 'bout 'neato.'"

DJ: "Yeah that's alright."

Guy: " ok then how about 'ear.'"

DJ: "What do you mean ear."

Guy: "You know, pass it to me, 'ear.'"

Got any good pothead/hippie/stoner/grass/weed/marijuana/tea/lid/pot jokes? Send em in to: