This is some funny stuff. I have been collecting these from the Internet and from friends. If you have more jokes, please send them to me at TRANSYS@HOTMAIL.COM ...Hope you like it.
It contains lots of "VULGAR" stuff. If you do not like VULGAR stuff please DO NOT browse the page, and If you read please DO NOT judge me in any way.. These are not "my jokes" .
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
TOP TEN REASONS IT SUCKS TO BE A DICK
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS
ORAL SEX A DEDICATION TO GIRLS
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN
LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES
EXPERIENCE OF FIRST WEDDING NIGHT NARRATED BY AN INDIAN BRIDE
STATE MOTOS
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ABOUT MAN AND WOMAN Top
WHY LIFE IS EASIER FOR MEN Top
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc. around your reproductive system.
Same work. . .more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding dress $2000. . .tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.
No pantyhose.
ONE mood, all the time.
MEN ARE LIKE Top
Men are like Placentas. They only show up when there's food on the table. QUESTIONS ABOUT MAN Top
Q.Whydo men become smarter during sex? QUESTIONS ABOUT WOMAN Top
Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? TOP TEN REASONS IT SUCKS TO BE A DICK Top
10.You've got a hole in your head. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Top
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Top 1. Take
off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. ONE LINERS Top Many man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim
BackusI MARRIAGE Top WIFE Top
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman VIRUS Top *Lewinsky
Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about
what it did. THINGS GIRL CAN SAY Top Don't
hate me cuz I’m beautiful, hate me cuz your boyfriend does! THINGS GUYS CAN SAY Top Its
not the size of the boat it’s the motion of the ocean! BLONDE Top A
BLONDE came home and found her house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the
fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say,
don't you still have those big red trucks?" A
government study has shown that blondes do have more fun --they just don't
remember who with.
Q: What did the blonds left leg say to her right?
Q: What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
Q: Why
is a blonde like an old washing machine? blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She
explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his
light and says "Open wide".
"I
can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms." SOOOO BLONDE.... Top
She
sent me a fax with a stamp on it BILL CLINTON Top As
Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the
loudspeaker. "Mr President, would you please return the stewardess to the
upright position and prepare to land?" DEFINITIONS Top Smile:
- A curve that can set a lot of things straight. KENTUCKIANS Top A
Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver,
"Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS Top Man:
Haven't I seen you someplace before? JEEVAN KE CHAUBEES SACH Top #1
Maut aur tatti, kabhi bhi aa sakti hain. SONGS Top FROM
KISSING TO BABY Top ORAL SEX A DEDICATION TO GIRLS Top THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Top Seven
wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. THE TOP 10 MEN Top
1. The
Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes" CONDOM Top List of
possible slogans promoting national condom week TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX Top 10) You
are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS Top Q. What
doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife,
Blowjob? UPGRADE TO MARRIED LIFE Top GM reply to MICROSOFT Top
Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Carpets. You lay them once, walk over them for ever.
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q.Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q.Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q.Why did God put men on earth?
A.Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q.Why don't women have men’s brains?
A.Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q.Why do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A. They are intended for children, but it's the men that end up playing with them.
Q.Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q.Why do men masturbate?
A.It's sex with someone they love.
Q.Why are men’s brains larger than a dog’s?
A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q.Why did God make man before women?
A. You always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
Q.Why is a man’s sperm white and his pee yellow?
A. So he can tell if he's coming or going.
Q.How many men does it take to putdown a toilet seat?
A. Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Because breasts don't have eyes.
Q.How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A. With a crowbar.
Q.What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q.What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q.Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q.What is the difference between men and women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q.How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q.How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q.How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q.Why don't men fake orgasm?
A. Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q.Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Q.What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A. A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why
did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
A.cherry float.
Q.What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A.Beat IT - we're closed.
Q.Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A.Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q:What is a zebra?
A:26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q:How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A:Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q:What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A:45 lbs.
Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:45 minutes
Q:What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A:Sexual harassment.
Q:What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A:$3.99 a minute.
Q:How are women and rocks alike?
A:You skip across the flat ones.
Q:What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A:A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Q.Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A.Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q.What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year olddoesn't?
A.Her navel.
Q.Why do men die before their wives?
A.Because they want to.
Q:Why did God invent alcohol?
A:So fat women can get laid too.
Q:Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A:The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.
Q:Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A:The one who can carry 2 large coffees and eat the last two donuts
Q:What does KFC and a woman have in common?
A:Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q:What did one boob say to the other?
A:Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.
Q:How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A:Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.
Q.What is similarity between audiocassette and a girl?
A.You can use them on either side.
Q.What is the similarity between girl and tea?
A.Both are hot, have milk and are needed while rising.
Q.What is the difference between sky and a skirt?
A.The sky covers the whole universe and a skirt covers the universal hole.
Q.What is the difference between men’s cricket and women's cricket?
A.In men's cricket there is a short leg between two long legs while in women's cricket there is deep gully between two fine legs.
Q.What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
A.Come behind the pyramid and I will make you a mummy.
Q:How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A:A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says,
"We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth
and nose, and breath normally."
A:Close the door
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way,cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you cancomplain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7.Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
10.Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11.Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12.Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13.Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to
bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Lookat your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you havepecs. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your
"privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5.
Don't bother to look for a wash cloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11.Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because
you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull
off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis
at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife
treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa
Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa
Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -
Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. -
Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
We in the industry know that behind every successful screen writer stands a woman.
And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and that inside
desperate to get out. - Montaigne
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher and that is a good thing for any man.- Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful
woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore Marriage is not a word; it is a
sentence, Life Sentence!!.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph
of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes
silent.
Don't marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you
can't live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all.
Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a
woman.Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and
Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it
took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
Did any of you other married guys out there, ever wonder whether it's better to have
loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in
life!! -
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more
interested he is in her. -
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than
others. Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Scottish Proverb -
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
H. L. Mencken -
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another
thing, they die earlier.
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple
smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy
Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" Shesaid, "In the
lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a
century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a
forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --
Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the
thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either
the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty salon for two hours That was only for the estimate. She got a
mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off. -
She ran
after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
*Ronald
Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it was stored.
*Mike
Tyson Virus: Quits after one byte.
*Oprah
Winfrey Virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly compresses to 100MB, then slowly
expands to 250MB.
*Dr.
Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
*Ellen
Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.
*Titanic
Virus (a strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.
*Disney
Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
*Prozac
Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
*Joey
Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
*Arnold
Schwartzenegger Virus: Terminates some files, but it'll be back.
*Lorena
Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5" floppy, then discards
through Windows.
*Viagara
Virus: Creates a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
*Clinton
Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
East
to the sea, West to the land, Death to the B*tch, who touches my man!
If
you need a nickel, I’ll give you a dime, If you need a man, Bitch don't F*ck
with mine!
Roses
are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?!
God
created men first cuz you always need a rough draft before the masterpiece!
God
Loves stupid people, that’s why he made so many men!
Only
good girls go to heaven, I wasn't invited!
Sex
is like Pringles, Once you pop, you can't stop!
Children
in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!
I
Have P.M.S and a Gun, now what were you saying?!?! :)
Do
you believe in love at first sight or do you have to walk past me again?
Loves
a sensation caused by temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girls
destination, to increase the population, of the next generation, do you
understand my explanation?, or do you need a demonstration? :)
Don't
drink and Drive, you might go over a bump and drop your beer!
God
gave me brains and a penis and only a lil bit of blood, I can only work one at a
time!
If
guys got a period, they would brag about the size of their tampons!
Roses
are red, Apples are sour, open your legs, I’ll show you some power!
Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A-:
When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.
Q:
What do you get when you have 32 BLONDES in the same room?
A:
A full set of teeth.
Q:
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A:
Hump-me Dump-me.
Q:
How is a Blonde like a condom?
A:
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: A
blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell
her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: What
do you do when a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run
like shell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: How
do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell
her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What
is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A:
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why
do blonde work seven days a week?
A: So
you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What
did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the
overhead transparency?
A: she
turned it over and used the other side.
Q: How
do you make fool of a blonde?
A: You
don't. They're born that way.
Q: How
do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A:
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How
do you keep a blonde busy?
A:
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why
can't blonde make ice cubes?
A: They
always forget the recipe.
Q: How
did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: she
threw it off a cliff.
Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You
only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why
do men like blonde jokes??
A:
Because they can understand them.
Q: What
does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's
on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What
do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A:
Change.
Q: What
do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A
wind tunnel.
Q: What
do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A
visitor.
Q: What
do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A:
Gifted!
Q: What
do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A:
Branch Manager.
Q: What
do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The
back of her head.
Q: Why
are blonde hurt by peoples words?
A:
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: What’s
the difference between a blonde and a Supermarket Trolley ?
A: A
supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: A
blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if she should cut it in six or twelve
pieces.
A:
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q:
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A
blonde parade.
Q:
Someone asked a blonde if she believed in smoking.
A: she
said "Yes, I've seen it done."
Q:
Blonde: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
A:
MAN:
"It's 3:15."
A:
Blonde:
(puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been
asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Q: What
do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A:
"Have
another beer."
Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb
blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
A:
Nobody.
The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q: Why
did they call the blonde twinkie?
A:
She
like to be filled with cream.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A:
You
take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A:
It
gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A:
You
keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A:
Some
traffic signs say stop.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
A:
Sweet
Fuck All
Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A:
If
you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: Why
can't blondes count to 70?
A:
Because
69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: Why
do blondes have square breasts?
A:
Because
they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!!!
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A:
"Debbie...that's
cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A:
Not
everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A:
Do you
want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How
does a blond turn the light on after sex?
A:
She
opens the door.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A:
"Thanks,
guys!"
Q: Why
do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A:
More
leg room!
Q: How
is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A:
You lick'em, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
A:
Pregnant!
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A:
Locking
the car door.
A
blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest
interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh,
I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "Do you want me to start over and
talk slower?"
A:
Nothing,
they've never met!
A:
Pubic
hair.
They
both drip when they're screwed.
Q: Why
did God create blondes?
A:
Because
sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: What do call a smart blonde?
A:
A
golden retriever.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A:
The
Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A:
It
costs 10p to use a telephone!
Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A:
She
hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had
just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just
spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he
realizes h is manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool
it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how
you refilled those."
Q: What do blondes and McDonald's have in common?
A:
Over
five billion served
Q: Why
is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A:
Because
you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for
a week!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A:
Gifted
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A:
They
both have a black box.
Q: How
do you get a blonde to marry you?
A:
Tell
her that she's pregnant from You
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
NA: ot
everyone's been in a limo!
Q: Why
did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A:
So her
male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why
did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A:
Becasue
she threw out all the W's.
Q: How
do you confuse a blonde?
A:
You
don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why
do blondes have big belly buttons?
A:
From
dating blonde men.
Q: To
a blonde, what is long and hard?
A:
Grade 4
and 10 inch
A
blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the
pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1
for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Q: How
can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A:
By the
chipped tooth.
Q: Why
is a blonde like Australia?
A:
They're
both down under, and no one cares.
Q:
What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A:
A
padded dash.
Q: How
do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A:
Come.
Q:
What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A:
You
don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A:
They're
both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: Why
don't blondes talk when having sex?
A:
Their
mothers told them not to talk to strangers
Q: How
do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
A:
Wave to
her.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A:
They've
both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A:
A brain
tumor.
Q: How does Captain Picard describe blonds?
A:
SPACE:
The Final Frontier!
Two
dogs, Swiss and Barker and a blonde were sent to the outer space.
The
ground control issues command "Swiss ! "
"Woof"
( its the barking sound ) "Press the red button."
"Wof!
Woof!"
"Barker
!" "oof!" Press the white button."
"Woof!
Woof!"
"Ashley!"
"Woof."
"Stop
barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
Q:What
did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's
mine?"
She
thought a quarterback was a refund
She
tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She
thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center
She
thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools
She
thought General Motors was in the Army.
She
thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She
thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under
"education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics".
She
tried to drown a fish.
She
tripped over a cordless phone.
She
spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
"concentrate"
She
got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She
told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
They
had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At
the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius"
She
asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It
takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes"
She
studied for a blood test-and failed
She
thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
She
sold the car for gas money
When
she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home
and got 16 friends.
When
she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She
thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When
she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When
she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she
turned around and went home.
She
got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
What's
the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws,
Clinton screws interns!
Did
you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
The spread
eagle.
A
reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?
" Clinton responded
by saying, "No, she was on her knees."
Dan
Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably,
Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one
word.
How
many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Impossible, they
are too busy screwing the president.
What
do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill
finished first.
Why
is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip
is a topless bar.
What
help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a
taste of the presidency.
There's
a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six-inch hard drive,
but no memory.
Did
you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story?
She
said she will tell it blow by blow.
What's
Monica going to title her memoirs?
"how to suck seed in the oval office
without really trying."
What
is Bill Clinton's favorite slogan?
Give me liberty or give me head!
Why
would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
Because he is so good at say,
Stroke, Stroke, Stroke.
Why
does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Why
can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence.
Why
does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding the evidence.
Why
does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls
hitting her in the face.
Bill
was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the
whitest teeth I've ever cum across.
What's
the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
1 U.S. leader
Rumor:
- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary:
- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College:
- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy:
- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt
before.
Office:
- A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.:
- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.
Classic:
- book which people praises, but do not read.
Marriage:
- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her
master's.
Worry:
- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience:
- The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears:
- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom
Bomb: - An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:
- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat:
- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks
forward to the trip.
Optimist: - A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist:
- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first
letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser:
- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father:
- A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
- A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught.
Boss:
- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:-
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor:
- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software
Engineer: - Who is paid for reading this mail.
Q:
- What's long and hard on a Kentucky football player?
A
- First grade! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
A:
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Eastern Kentucky?
A:
Everyone has the same DNA.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort, Kentucky burned down?
A:
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
new law recently passed in Eastern Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced,
they're still brother and sister. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
What si Good about Cnicinnati?
A:
It’s not in Kentucky
Q:
What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A:
I-75. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
A:
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
Why do folks in Eastern Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
more?
A:
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman:
Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man:
Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you a fucking slut
Man: Is
this seat empty?
Woman:
Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man:
Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on my fucking cock
Man:
Your place or mine?
Woman:
Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man:
That's cool, cause after I get done smackin it to you in the back of my car. I
don't give a shit where you go.
Man:
So, what do you do for a living?
Woman:
I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So
that's how you got that little mustache
Man:
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:
Unfertilized.
Man: No
problem, I can always shoot my load on your back.
Man:
Your body is like a temple.
Woman:
Sorry, there are no services today.
Man:
Unless there's a $5 spot in it for ya, right?
Man: I
would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:
But would you stay there?
Man:
Probably, because you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake
once you smack the goods to her.
Man: If
I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman:
If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man:
That works for me. as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it in
your asshole.
#2
Saamp aur chut, jahaan bhi milen maar do.
#3
Zindagi aur jhaant uljhe hue hain, use suljhane ki koshish mat karna.
#4
Samay aur chutiya, sab ka kat ta hain.
#5
Achi piyo kharab piyo, jab bhi piyo sharaab piyo.
#6
Paani aur land, apna rasta khud doondhte hain.
#7
Beewi aur gaadi, doosre ko doge to chud kar hi wapas ayenge.
#8
Sardar aur suwar ke bachche, chote hi achche lagte hain.
#9
Doodh aur gaand, jab phatthe hain to aawaaz nahi aati.
#10
Rocket aur tharak, aadmi ko kahin bhi le jaa sakte hain.
#11
Choochiyaan aur jasbaad, jidne dabaao utne hee ubharte hain.
#12
Jhaante aur koylaa, hameshaa sulagte rahte hain.
#13
Tattey jitnaa bhi uchal lein, hameshaa laude ke neeche hee rahtey hain.
#14
Ladki kitni bhi lambi ho, mutegi to baith ke hi.
#15
Land ko kitna bhi jhadkao, aakhri boond undi mein hi girti hai.
#16
Chut chahe jitni bhi choudi ho jaye, marni Lund se hi padegi.
#17
Choochiyaan aur khaini, jitna ragdoge utna hi majaa ayega.
#18
Chut aur Daaru, kabhi bhee jhooti nahi hoti hain.
#19
Kutte ko mootne ke liye aur Ladki ko chudne ke liye, taang uthani hi padti hai.
#20
Chut aur Bhut, Kismat walon ko hi milte hain.
#21
Ladki aur Audio cassete, dono side se bajaana chahiye.
#22
Exam ki taiyari mein ek ghanta aur daaru mein ek peg, hamesha kum rahte hain
#23
Lund aur Ghamand, dono ko kaabu mein rakhne mein hi bhalai hai.
He
says he loves you and you believe it's true, but when your stomach starts to
swell he says the hell with you !!!
16
min of pleasure, 9 months of pain, 3 days in the hospital, a baby with no name.
The
baby is a bastard the mother is a whore, it never would of happened if the
rubber hadn't tore.
Unpleasant
as it tends to be Be…. …….Grateful that he doesn't pee
It's
times like this, you wonder why… You bothered reaching for his fly
But
it's too late, can't be a tease……….Accept the facts, get on your knees
You
know you've got a job to do…. … So open wide and shove it through
Lick
the tip then take it all…………… Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide
up and down, use your tongue and feel the pre cum…. start to run So when the
fuck's he gonna cum
Just,
when you can't take anymore.…. .You hear your lover's mighty roar
And
when he hits that real high note .. You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty,
fishy, sticky, stuff Okay, already that's enough….
Let's
switch you say, before you gag…And what revenge, your on the rag.
First
was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second
was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third
was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, the lined it within,
Fourth
was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth
was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth
was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it
could pee,
Last
was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a
cunt.
2. The
Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The
hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The
Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The
Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love
it."
6. The
Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose
interest"
7. The
Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The
Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The
Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The
Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats
what he shoots.
1.
Cover your stump before u hump
2.
Before u attack her, wrap yr whacker
3.
Don't be silly, protect yr willy
4. When
in doubt, shroud yr spout
5.
Don't be a loner, cover yr boner
6. You
cant go wrong if u shield yr dong
7. If
you're not goin to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If u
think she's spunky cover yr monkey
9. If u
slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It
will be sweeter if u wrap yr peter
11. She
won’t get sick if u wrap yr dick
12. If
u go in to heat, package yr meat
13.
While yr undressing venus, dress up yr penis
14.
When u take off her pants and blouse, slip up yr trouser mouse
15.
Especially in december, gift wrap yr member
16.
Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17.
Dont be a fool, vulcanize yr tool
18. The
right selection will protect yr erection
19.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A
crank with armor will never harm her
21. No
glove, no love
9) If
you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The
uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You
don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's
O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you
are.
5)
Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If
you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It
doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less
guilt the morning after.
1) YOU
CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Q. Incontinence Hotline.
A. Can you hold, please?
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q:
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A:
She's withholding evidence
Q.
What's the difference between light and hard?
A.
You can sleep with a light on.
Q.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
A.
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A.
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q.
What's the height of conceit?
A.
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q.
What's the definition of macho?
A.
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A.
Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A.
You fill it with gas.
Q.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A.
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q.
Why is divorce so expensive?
A.
Because it's worth it.
Q;
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:
nervous wreck.
Q:
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A:
The taste.
Q:
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
A:
They all have phones.
Q:
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A:
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Q:
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A:
The little swallow.
Q:
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:
Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Q:
Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A:
So they know where to stop shaving.
Q:
What is the difference between medium and rare?
A:
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A.
Its Braille for "suck here."
Q.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A.
To find a tight seal.
Q.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
A.
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
A.
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q.
What's the definition of macho?
A.
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q:
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A:
Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q:
Why did the condom cross the road?
A:
Because it was pissed off.
Q:
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A:
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q:
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A:
"It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night."
Q:
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A:
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and sprayed gas
all over the car.
Q:
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A:
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it!
Q:
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A:
They can both smell it but they can't eat it
Q:
How can you tell when your dogs are kinky?
A:
They start doing it in the missionary position.
Q:
What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A:
When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you
Q.
What did Newton’s cock say to Newton?
A:
Fuck your law of gravity, I am going up.
Q: What
is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: Why
don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Mom's
have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A:
A: Palm
Sunday
Q: Why
is being in the military like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the
better you feel.
Q: What
do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What
has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What's
the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer
nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Why
does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: Where
does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: What's
the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A:
A northern
fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization,
where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and
Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?
Otherwise, I'm in a spot,
Thanks Joe
Dear Spotted Joe
This is very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge
Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0
to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and just deal
with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their
cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc"
key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program,
but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1,
Flowers 2.2, Big Flowers 2.3 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck. Tech Support
"In response to Bill'scomments, General Motors issued a
press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with thefollowing characteristics:"
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crashtwice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the line in the road,you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple Computer would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive .. but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyer would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN Top
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out non essentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.TRUTH ABOUT PIGS Top
If
you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat only one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If
you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create
the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The
human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
A
pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging
your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig
thing!)
Humans
and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Why isn't the pig
included in this list?)
The
average person fears spiders more than they do death.
The
strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
A
crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The
ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated....(From drinking little
bottles of...?)
Polar
bears are left handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!)
The
flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of
a football field.
A
cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The
male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home.
What the F...")
Some
lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig ….
quality over quantity!)
Butterflies
taste with their feet.
Elephants
are the only animals that can't jump.
An
ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)
Starfish
don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
TRUTH ABOUT SEX Top
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can releasethe tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
11. Sex makes you clever : A top German researcher, Werner Habermehl has said that sex stimulates the brain and makes people more intelligent.
According to Ananova, Habermehl, from the Hamburg Medical Research Institute, said that regular sexual intercourse promotes intelligence.
Habermehl also said that lovemaking, besides giving excitement to the body also provides brain with plenty of excitement. Consequently, the increased amount of adrenaline and cortisol hormones that are produced in the brain stimulates the grey matter and improves sharpness of mind.
LET'S PICK ON MEN INSTEAD OF BLONDES Top
1.What
do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
2. What
does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
3. Why
do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be
Hell.
4. Why
do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5. How
are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious
odors, and half the time they don't work.
6. How
do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they
dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
7. How
do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a
bikini.
8 How
do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
9. How
does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead
of one.
10. How
many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up
there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
11.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
12.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
13.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between
his toes.
14.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
15. Why
are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
16. Why
did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough
draft before creating your masterpiece.
17. Why
do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring
before it starts.
18. Why
do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
19. Why
do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget
what happened.
20. Why
does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop
and ask for directions.
21. Why
is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go
back to his childhood, he's already there.
Types of Orgasm Top
The
Positive Orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH... YESSSS!"
The Negative Orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH... NOOO!"
The Spiritual Orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH...GODDD!"
The Fake Orgasm: "Oh Jeff, Ohh Jefff, OH... JEFFF!"
The Indian Classical Orgasm: "Nahi Nahiiii Nahiiiiiii...."
The Rock 'n' Roll orgasm: "O Baby, O baby ... O baby"
The Heavy Metal Orgasm: "Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny, Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey,
The Comin Baby Orgasm: "EEEEEEEEaaahh,EEyyyeEAAh,YYeeeaah.."
The Instrumental Orgasm: "Ooonnnh, OooOOONNNNH, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh"
The Alternative Orgasm: "O Shit, O Fuck, O Shiiit, O Fuck, Ooooh Shhhhhiiit..
The World Cup 98 Orgasm: "Ooh..Ooh...Ooh..., Ale-Ale-Ale....!"
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE Top
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
EXPERIENCE OF FIRST WEDDING NIGHT NARRATED BY AN INDIAN BRIDE Top
My joy
touched mountainous height,
On my
first wedding night
They
call it honey moon,
Which
we were to observe soon.
At
midnight I entered the room
With my
handsome bride groom.
He
closed the door, from inside
And
kissed me, that is his bride.
Sitting
on the bed he asked me to come
Out of
shame, I kept mum.
As if I
were dead
He
pulled me on the bed.
With a
smile he gazed at me
I put
my head on knee.
I was
to lift my head
And lie
on the bed.
I did
it accordingly
he took
it smilingly,
Lying
alongside, he touched my thigh
And
left a deep sigh.
He is
surveying my body, with eyes and touch
With
which, he appeared to be amused much.
He
began showering kisses
And
said"How beautiful is my Mrs."
He drew
me nearer and nearer
I am
experiencing fear and terror.
Do all
men do this?
Love,
embrace and kiss.
He
embraced me with love
And
lifted me above.
His
heart is beating on one side,
and
mind on other side.
His
kisses were warm,
And
full of charm.
Putting
hands on my hips,
He
tasted my lips.
So far
in the past,
My
blood never ran so fast.
I
blushed a lot,
Besides
feeling hot.
Then a
moment came,
I felt
much shame.
He was
busy like bees,
And
pulled saree over my knees.
On the
spot,there was no hair,
As I
removed it with a shear.
His
hands are moving thigh to cunt,
Which I
felt like electric current.
His
action made me warm and bold,
Soon
his penis was in my hold.
I took
his organ in my hand,
Which
was warm like desert sand.
He
started at my legs,
Just as
a pauper begs.
He
compared them with pine,
More
charming and more fine.
He
looked me very smart,
At the
very start.
He was
mad,
And I
was glad.
He
pulled my saree more,
But
could not reach the shore.
The
knot was tight
To
open, he had to fight.
Then he
attacked the upper part,
Which
was breast guard.
He held
above the breast very tight,
With
pain, I cried slight.
He
cared not for my pain,
And
went on like an unsane.
After
removing the brassiers, he found
My
breasts, pointed and round.
He
pressed them hard, neglecting my shout,
My delicate breasts were not out.
I
raised an alarm again,
But I
felt charm in pain.
Neglecting
my cries, he continued
It was
difficult to change his attitude.
He hold
me to " bear the pain and do not mind,
At the
moment I am blind.
Putting
mouth on the nipples, he began to suck
And
called it essential before fuck.
I was
naked as I was born
All the
clothes were thrown.
I was
naked from head to feet
He
praised me , clear and neat.
He also
removed his cloths,
Naked
we were both.
Lenghthy
and thick was his prick,
Not
less than a bamboo stick.
He was
looking his penis,
With
delight and eagerness.
He
clung to me,
Like a
snake on tree.
He
started at my cunt,
Which
he was next to hunt.
In this
war, my cunt would burst,
And he
was to quench with thirst.
Subsequent
strokes were
Harder
and harder.
In a
few strokes my hymen was teared,
And
block road was cleared.
Then
his prick was into its full length,
I was
wondering about his strength.
I now
enjoyed the game,
There
was no pain and shame.
I asked
to put the whole prick inside
He
said" It is already in, nothing is outside".
I was
now not coward
Moving
my hand backward and forward.
He was
also performing his role,
And put
his finger in my hole.
He then
stopped his act,
What he
will do, I knew the act.
My cunt
was hot like fire,
Being
woman, I could not express my desire.
After a
while I became more sexy,
Flexy
and vexy.
He then
lifted my legs high,
And put
his on the thigh.
There
was movement in my clitoris,
As if
inviting his penis.
With
the fingers the last way devided
And
desiring, I could not get freightened.
He
placed his penis on it
And
gave a light jerk to fit.
As a
part of axis entered
Here,
now our attention centered.
Our
legs entangled with each other,
Before
progressing further.
It was
like a hidden treasure,
Which
gave me a heavenly pleasure.
He held
me tight in his arms,
His
kisses were ruthless and warm.
He
caught my tongue with his teeth,
And
pressed my chin length.
On my
level he cast a kiss
And
called it a thing never to miss.
His
prick was in full erection,
Moving
in upward and downward direction.
With
strength he pushed his penis in my hole,
Which
has shaked my body and soul.
Please
be soft, I made humble requests,
He
said" false culprit, the policeman arrrests".
Before
coitus, i could never imagine,
How
such a lenghty lump would fit in.
But now
I found his penis short in size,
Undoubtedly,
after experience one is wise.
From
pain, I was freed,
And he
was fucking with speed.
He was
fucking much faster,
With
joy I clung to my master.
Then he
gave a last but strong jerk,
Which
ment, he finished his work.
At last
he reaced to his peak,
And
attained what he wanted to seek.
The
penis poured fluid in my hole,
Which
was real satisfaction to my soul.
He kept
lying upon me siliently,
But
slipped after a while, though reluctently.
A lot
blood has spilled
On my
cunt, his penis and bed.
I asked
him to where from the blood came,
He told
"It is the out come of the game".
It does
come during first inter course,
Whether
one is fucked softly or with force.
POEM # 1 Top
Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs and what's in between
POEM # 2
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fuck you clean
POEM # 3
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass
POEM #4
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
POEM # 5
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn
POEM # 6
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
POEM # 7
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
POEM # 8
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
POEM # 9
Holy mother , full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my mum happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.
POEM # 10
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration
POEM # 11
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!
POEM # 12
If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their
tampons!
POEM # 13
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
problems begin with MEN!
POEM # 14
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
Oh baby i get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
POEM # 15
Sky is blue
Water is wet
I'll make you come
I'll make you sweat
Pressed against my body
Movin up and down
Slowly but firmly
We will move the ground
POEM # 16
Sex is like maths
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
Then multiply!!!!!!!
POEM # 16
Hickery dicery doc
Dis bitch was sucking me cock
The clock struck two
Me dumped me goo
And dumped her at da
End of the block
Init!!!
POEM # 17
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy style
Or 69
Just for fun
Or getting paid
Everyone likes
Getting layed
YOUR MAMA Top
Your
mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Your
mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.
Your
mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good
side.
Your
mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.
Your
mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time
zones.
Your
mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.
Your
mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.
Your
mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an
estimate.
Your
mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the
ground.
Your
mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says,
"OK"!
Your
mom's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling, "Free
Willie!"
Your
mom's so big, she plays marbles with planets.
Your
mom's so fat, her belt size is the equator.
Your
mom's so fat, she has to buy two airplane tickets.
Your
mom's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Your
mom's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.
Your
mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry,
we don't do curtains."
Your
mom's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.
Your
mom's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.
Your
mom's so big, when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear
white.
Your
mothers so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
Your
mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Your
mothers so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Your
mothers so fat, she's on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts
eating.
Your
mothers so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.
Your
mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to
land on her back.
Your
mothers head is so big, it shows up on radar.
Your
mothers so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.
Your
mothers so fat your bath tub has stretch marks.
Your
mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be
continued."
Your
mothers so fat, she got a run in her jeans.
Your
mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.
Your
mothers so fat, she sells shade in the summer.
Your
mothers so fat, she left the house with high-heels and came back with
flip-flops.
Your
mothers so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Your
mothers so fat, she influences the tides.
Your
mothers so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up
again.
Your
mothers so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
Your
mothers so fat, she has her own area code.
Your
mothers so fat, they got her face on the Crisco can.
Your
mothers so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said "Sorry, we don't do live
stock."
Yo mama
so fat, were in her right now.
Yo mama
so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with
her.
Yo mama
so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is
it Halloween already?"
Yo mama
so fat, every time someone say "Kool Aid" she bust through the wall.
Yo mama
so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama
so fat, you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her
Yo mama
so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama
so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama
so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo mama
so ugly, she went into an hunted house and came out with an application
Yo mama
so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Yo mama
so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama
so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama
so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama
so ugly, when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!
Yo mama
so fat, her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo mama
so fat, that she needs a sock for each toe
Yo mama
so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama
so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo mama
so slutty, she could suck a golf ball through six feet of garden Hose
Yo mama
so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo
mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.
Yo
momma is like a bowling ball she gets three fingers, thrown in the gutter, and
comes back for more.
Yo
momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.
Yo
momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Your
momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!
Your
mamma is so fat she's on both sides of the family.
Your
mamma is so fat when we were having sex I rolled over 9 times and I was still on
the BITCH!!!!!
Yo
momma so ugly your Grandma threw her on the street and was charged for
littering.
Yo
momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo
momma so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border.
Yo
momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!
Yo
momma is like a bowling ball, gets picked up fingered, thrown in the
gutter
and bitch comes back for more.
Your
mamma is so poor she was kicking a can down the street, asked what she was doing
and she said moving.
Yo
momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she
comes out slow.
Your
mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!
Your
mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.
Your
momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
Your
mothers so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her
through
a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo
momma's so stupid she thought a quaterback is a refund.
Yo
momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving.
Yo
momma's hair so greasy when she gets in the car the oil light comes on.
Yo
momma is a carpenter's dream...she's flat as a board and she's never been
screwed.
Yo
momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Yo
momma is so fat her blood type is rocky road.
Yo
momma is so fat when God said let there be light, he said move your fat butt out
of the way.
Yo
momma is so dumb she got hit by a park car.
Yo
momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo
momma is so fat she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo
momma is so fat she put on a pair of Guess Jeans and the answer popped out.
Yo
momma's so fat, she irons her clothes on the drive way!
Yo
momma's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map she sees people waving.
Yo
momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new
world!
Yo
momma's so ugly, when you look up "ugly" in the dictionary, there's a
picture
of her!
Yo
momma's so short, she does backflips under the bed!
Yo
momma is like a shotgun,one cock and she'll blow
Yo
momma's so fat she can't even fit in the chat room.
Yo
Momma's so fat she gets her toenails painted at Lucky's Auto Body.
Yo
momma's armpits so stink she put on Right Guard and it went left.
Yo
momma's like a hardware store, 5 cents a screw.
Yo
momma's house is so small, when you buy a large pizza you have to go outside and
eat it
Yo
momma's so hairy they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower!
Yo
momma's got more mileage then a New York city taxi.
Yo
momma's face is so pimply that her tears need a 4x4 to get down her face.
Yo
momma's so loose, she jerks herself with the fat end of a baseball bat.
Yo
momma so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and
yelled ding dong.
Yo
momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo
momma's feet are so crusty, when she walks on a wooden floor, it sounds like
she's tap dancing.
Yo
momma's like a pie, everybody gets a piece.
Yo
momma's so fat that when she asked for a water bed, they threw a blanket over
the pacific ocean.
Yo
momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy!
Your
momma's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by a satellite!
Your
momma's like the village bicycle, everybody gets a ride.
THINGS ABOUT COKE Top
Just when you thought you knew everything....
1.In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the
truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2.You can put a t-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two
days.
3.To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet
bowl.......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
4.The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
5.To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a
crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
6.To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola
over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
7.To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
rusted bolt for several minutes.
8.To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan;rap
the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is
finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke
for
a sumptuous brown gravy.
9.To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of
greasy
clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola
will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.
FYI:
1.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It
will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
2.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must
use
the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive
materials.
3.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of
their trucks for about 20 years!
Drink up!
RAISE REQUEST Top
Employee perspective vs Management perspective.
To whom it may concern: I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends off or public holidays. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. ______________________________________________
AUSTIN POWERS PICK UP LINES Top
I wish you were a door so I could bang
you all day long.
Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you
seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Super drug, so I could ride you all day
long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing
you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it
in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel
room.
HE SAID... SHE SAID Top
He
said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She
said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He
said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She
said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She
said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He
said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He
said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the
worst way.
She
said...Well, you succeeded.
He
said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your
brains?
She
said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He
said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She
said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He
said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She
said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He
said... Want a quickie?
She
said...As opposed to what?
He
said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She
said...I would, but you're never there.
SIGNS ON BATHROOM WALLS Top
Friends
don't let friends take home ugly men.
-------Women's
restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Remember,
it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
-------Rest
stop off Route 81, WV
A
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to Have
trouble with it.
-------Women's
restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas,TX
Express
Lane: Five beers or less.
-Sign
over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
You're
too good for him.
-Sign
over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA
No
wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign
over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
If you
voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole
is in Washington.
-------Men's
room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, WA
Beauty
is only a light switch away.
-------Perkins
Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life
is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all Get wasted
together and have the time of our lives.
-------Armand's
Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Don't
trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-------Men's
restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
What
are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-------Men's
restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
MY FAV CHAT UP LINES Top
I
want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Can
I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I
just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is
your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes?
You're
so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would
you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
Let's
go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The
word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the
word.
Do
your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
That
outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
My
name's Jay That's so you know what to scream.
My
name's Jay but you can call me "lover."
Your
daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
[Look
at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to
see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
All
those curves, and me with no brakes.
If
I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Fuck
me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
I
like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
[Grab
her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Is
it hot in here or is it just you?
Can
I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
If
I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
How
about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Do
you know what'd look good on you? Me.
I
miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So...
How am I doin'?
How
about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
[Tap
your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
Hey,
that's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
I
lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I
hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Excuse
me, is that semen in your hair?
My
face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
[Regard
her outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you
too.
Get
your coat love, you've pulled.
Put
your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.
What
do you want for breakfast?
How
would you like to spend the night looking at my bedroom ceiling?
Let
me show you the way to heaven.
Can
I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Do
you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
I'm
easy. Are you?
(Use
index finger to call someone over then say) If I made you come this fast with
one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Is
that a ladder in your tights? Or is it the stairway to heaven?
What
time do you have to be back in heaven?
I
would crawl naked in the cold rain, on broken glass, just to hear you speak over
the telephone!
I
think you're the light at the end of my tunnel.
I
didn't believe in angels until I met you!
I
have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty
girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
I
bet you're tired of hearing chat up lines, when words can't be compared or
express the true nature of your beauty!
When
I look into your eyes I see the Moon and the stars.
Your
eyes are like spanners..... every time you look at me my nuts tighten
I
may not be the best looking man in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
You
are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming
I
may not be Fred Flintstone but I will certainly make your bed rock
Hi,
how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?
Hi,
my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?
I'm
a stud muffin baby, why don't you take a bite?
Have
you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there
If
its cash your after drop your drawers and the moneys yours
You.
Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
(Lick
finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
I
wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Was
you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.
Do
you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
Why
are you going, when you could be coming?
If
kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Can
you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!
Sit
on my face and I'll guess your weight.
Can
I tickle your belly button? From the inside.
Do
you like fruit? Suck this its a fucking peach.
Break
a bit of ice on the bar and say "Now I've broken the ice can I buy you a
drink?"
I'm
like Domino's Pizza, if you don't come in 30 minutes the next one is
free..
Fancy
a Pizza and a shag? NO! Why, don't you like Pizza?
To
a ugly woman...''I never look at the mantle piece when I'm poking the fire''
My
hands are cold, can I put them in your bra to warm up?
Baby
I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Hey
baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If
your left is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you
in-between the holidays?
You're
like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I
want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your
belly-button.
If
you were a car door I would slam you all night long
Baby,
your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete
breakfast.
How
about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Are
you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
You're
so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
If
I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi,
I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Your
daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
I'd
look good on you.
When
does your centerfold come out.
So
do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've
got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is
your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are
we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
Are
those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're
like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is
your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Excuse
me but do you believe in pre-marital sex? No. Well I'm married, lets Fuck!
Excuse
me, you have the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.
I
sure like the cover of your book, can I check out the pages in between.
Do
you need a gardener? (no) can I trim your bush anyways?
Do
you want to fuck or do I owe you an apology?
Baby,
you look finer than a new set of snow tires! Do you mind if I jurkoff on your
tits?
Do
you know the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job? no, what are you doing
for lunch tomorrow?
Would
you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me,
I SAID, you look fat in those pants!
Lets
stand toe to toe and get something straight between us!
That
dress is very becoming on you, but if I was on you, I'd be cumming too!
Wanna
sit down? Here let me clear off a spot for you to sit. (while wiping of your
mouth with your hand)
Let's
play war, I'll lay down and you blow the fuck out of me!
Have
you ever been kissed on the navel? Yes! From the inside?
Nice
tit's what's your name?
Hi
there, do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!!
Hi,
my name is Jay, and you can tell me yours when you catch your breath.
Excuse
me, I'd like to get between your legs and eat my way to your heart.
Do
you like jewelry? Suck this, it's a gem!
Can
you drive? Well, back onto this (pointing to dick)
Do
you like dried biscuits? Eat this it's a cracker!
You've
got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm
a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen
one?
I
wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day
long for a quarter.
Oh,
I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd
really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
You
might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I'd
walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you
do with your tongue.
I
know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If
you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in
public.
Baby,
I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
I
lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap hotel
room.
Your
name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
You
be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
If
you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Hey
lady, let me slay you with my sword of luurve.
Wanna
come back to my house and do some Maths? You can subtract your clothes, divide
your legs and we'll multiply.
Your
arse is like a basketball, mind if I dribble all over it?
I
like your tits, can I touch them?
I've
got the body of a chippendale,.... he's buried under the patio at home.
If
I said you had a beautiful body would you swallow ten inches?
You
wanna get jiggy with Mr. Biggy?
Mount
willy's about to erupt baby!
STATE MOTOS Top
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!
