Please be cautious when reading this. If you get triggered or sick easy
please don't read.
This is my testimony as told by me Courtney. I am 17 years old and am a
major part in this system. The host is 33.
One day when I was 15 I woke up as if from a dream. Over and over
again the voice said in my head. "it hasn't happened since january,it
hasn't happened since January". We looked around the room checking to
see if we were safe.Then began the prayers. "God please forgive
me,please make me ugly". For a month every night that was my pleaded
prayer. Then when I was satisfied with that I stopped and forgot what
happened to me,untill I was 17. 2 years I lived in complete denial of
anything ever bad happening to me.
I was going to high school to a new school that didn't give me a ride
all the way home. The bus stopped 7 miles from our house and from there
I hitch hiked the rest of the way. It was my decision to go there so my
parents wouldn't pick me up.I only had 2 bad experiences 1 was with a
guy who had a beer bottle between his legs and another was a guy who was
speeding so fast I thought my life was over. Then a friend of mine who
lived near by got a car and was able to drive me.
I had one teacher in grade 12 who was my first helper. His name was
Mr.Cook.He had asked us to write a journal of our summer vacation. My
summer consisted of drinking and some drugs and hanging out with friends
while I worked 300 miles from home.It was my time of freedom and fun.
After a 120 some pages I handed it in as well as telling him I had deep
down secrets.
He told me he thought I was a mystery he couldn't figure me out.He
also told me he thought I was beautifull.No one had ever told me that
before. My parents never said anything possitive about the way we
looked.And in school the boys usually teased me and said I was ugly.I
believed them.
I told Mr Cook my deep down secret that was abused by my father for
years I didn't know how long.He was good and suportive.The first person
who ever took an interest in me. And for that I am forever gratefull.
I moved to Toronto for the summer after I graduated.I stayed at my
sisters or brotheres or cousins house and drank and took drugs 5 days a
week. lived on 3 hours of sleep a night.
I was sinking deeper and deeper into despare.I got a ride back home at
the end of summer and told my father that if I didn't find a place in
Hailfax to live by tomorrow that I was taking a plane back to Toronto. I
had enough money for one way back to Toronto.My father said that if i
went back to Toronto that he would never speak to me again and that I
could never step foot into the house again.I went back to toronto the
following morning.Found a job the first day and called my father. He
hung up on me.However I went home that year for Christmas and nothing
was said.
For 4 1/2 years we partied and did drugs and lived it up. Had many
boyfrineds. Once I had so much cocaine that I was violently sick for 3
days. After that I promised myself I would never do cocaine again.The 5
days a week drinking continued and many times I didn't remember even
what happened. I slept around telling myself that I was going to prove
that all men were scum.
Juring that course of time we were raped 3 times. One time was so bad
that we were shaking and couldn't sit down. Part of our intestines hung
out.We went to our Doctor who made an appointment to see a phychiatrist.
I had promised myself that we would never see a shrink. However I was
desperate for help.
Now I had picked up my Bible a few months prior to this and had said "
God I can't read this". I told him that I would go to church if and
when there was a church that would accept you the way you are. that I
didn't have to wear a dress to and a church with a band I told God.
Drums,keyboards and electric guitars. with easy listening rock and roll.
About 6 weeks earlier we had walked into such a church. I sat there
mesmerized by the music. I just couldn"t believe that God could have
such beautifull music. He was only suppose to have hymns. I wrote the
place off as a cult. then continued with my drinking untill that night
when I was raped and sodemized so badly.
I was shaking. I couldn't stop.I wanted to die or run away . I called
my friend in Nova Scotia asking for a place to stay. she didn't have a
place because she was living with a family.
I was doomed.my sisters and brother begged me to come church. And
juring the "meeting" my brother said. "we need God thats what we need."
My sistere begged to to go see Roz from that church. she called me up
and bugged me so much about it that I finally canceled the shrink and
went to see this woman.
That woman knew how to pray.That day I rededicated my life to the
Lord and I soaked up the prayer. she prayed that all ties would be
broken between me and the father and the rapers. then she prayed that
ties would be broken between me and all that "I had been sexually
involved with. I felt like a virgin. I felt so clean and pure. I skipped
part way home I was soo full of joy I had never felt so free.
I went to home group wishing and hoping for more. My other sister was
going through a divorse they spent more time on helping her and I was
jealous.But I heard this still small voice say that he was sending me
someone very speacial. I hung on to those words for the next few months.
Prior to this I had a boyfriend for over two years and we were really
close.When I found God I decided that I had to end it once and for all
because I wanted a Christian man.
I had become close to his whole family.One night when I was with him
I cried and told him I had been in a coffin and i cried and cried while
he held me.Also I would get dreams of seeing a murder and I would wake
up in a sweat realising that I had seen a murder.
7 months after my conversion I was on the subway on my way to work
when i heard the still small voice tell me that someone I knew was
commiting suicide. I asked who but God didn't tell me.He just told me to
pray. I saw someone in a car with the window a litttle opened. I prayed
that an angel would come and that this person would give their life to
the Lord. I was confident that the prayer was answered. That evening
while at work the xboyfriends brother called me to tell me his father
had commited suicide. Their mother was dying of cancer and had less then
6 months to live. That night I went to a large bar and got very very
drunk. I pulled the firealarm and walked along a busy street. My new
boyfriend was very mad at me. He brought me home and I ended up on the
couch. My sister put a blanket on me and smiled as if to say she
understand. Then I drank no more. After I became a Christian I had managed
to be drunk 2 days a week instead of 5. But that day I was delivered
from drinking.
I own a house with my sisters and parents and was paying a lot
because of loan and mortgage. I was paying $720 a month for my small
basement room. I decided to pay $770 and get the room up stairs. That
day I got a scripture samuel 2 verse 8
He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap
He seats themm with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor
for the foundations of the earth are the Lords
upon them he has set the world.
Then he said I was a princess. I tried to rebuke those words. But that
day at church the pastors wife was praying for me and said
"princess"that is Gods new name for you.I was blown away. Also God told
me that was a verse for my future husband.
We had a church home group at our home and a new guy Greg came to do
the worship I loved his relationship with the Lord. On Dec 31 we had our
first date.On his birthday Feb.21 his mother sent him a birthday card.
She wrote on the card 1Samual 2:8. She said that is the verse God gave
to me when you were born.We were engaged 5 days later.
We went to summer camp with our church and a guy named Jack Winter was
speaking on the Father's love. My husband had a half hour appointment
with him and cried the whole time. I thought this was odd. My very best
friend Nancy was talking about crying with him as well.she asked me to
come with her to see him. So we went and he put a towel over his
shoulder and she cried on his shoulder. In my head I said "Thanks you
God that I dont need that". Then in Sept. they were starting a new
church plant in the dwon town area.My husband and I decied to go
there.The pastor's name was Tony and my best friend was being counselled
by him. She told me some of her symptons like "going away" and feeling
like someone else was looking through her eyes. I said that sounds like
me. would you ask himm to counsell me too. She did and he said yes. So
in January I started to be counselled 3 1/2 hours a week.
everytime I got in the counselling room this 5 year old child would
show up. No one knew what was happeneing. It was a very good time. i
learned a lot about self esteem and fears. Tony was showing us the
Father's love.
While in counselling I remebered a murder I had seen. someone being
stabed in the neck. i remembered the pleading eyes asking me to save
them. I couldn't i was powerless.That was the first muder I saw and they
celebrated by putting a spirit guide in me.
We delt a lot with the abuse I received from my father.It got to the
point where I felt I needed my mother to know what had happened.So I
wrote my father a letter asking him to tell my mother.She called me and
we wept over the phone . For the first time in my life I felt like I had
a mother.
The counseeling went on for 15 months and then just before Tony moved
back to California I had more memories. This time of drinking urine and
being in a pornography ring.And of being strangled to the near point of
passing out. The new pastor and his wife were there too so when I got a
memory i could call them and they would come and counsell me.
then my husband and I felt a calling to come to B.C. There I had a
little more ministry and more memories and more parts coming out. 8
months later we moved to Coquitlam half hour outside of Vancouver and I
got more memories again. I asked the new pastors wife to pray for me.
This memory was being in a pitt a big dug out hole with bulldozers.
The bulldozers chased me and about 5 other kids.We were running for our
lives. The bulldozer ended up picking me up in its bucket.
She offered to pray with me on an on going basis.That was in September
and by Dec they found out there was a therapist who speacialized in mpd.
I have had many many memories since
I will give a brief outline of some things I have been through.
-Saw murders and babies beaten
-they held my hand as I plunged a knife into a body
-I was drugged and beaten mostly with clubs on my head
-a pornography ring where I was made to perform adult thing on adults.
-a knife was put inside of me at that time
-I saw a person have her limbs chain sawed off
-made to swollow spiders
-tied up to a bed and beaten sexually abused laughed at and spiders
put on me
-made to fit in small rooms and boxes
-in a coffin and buried
- I was told many many lies
-I was cut with razers and they put a dead baby in me( I have many
scars there that I passed off as stretch marks)then had many stitches
-In water they kept me under for long periods of time.Thought we were
gonna die.
-strangulation to the point of passing out
Many things happened in the woods at night. I have more memories that
dont make sence yet
All of these meories have made sence. For eg. when I was 8 yrs old my
brother and I would have to bike 2 miles to get to some peoples house
where they would bring us to swimming lessons. Everytime my brother and
I would get to the contruction part where they were putting in a new
road i would freeze and start crying very loud. A head guy there got
everyone to turn off their engines so i could safely pass through.
My intense fear of spiders.My fear of them going into my vagina
because I was told if I wasmnt good they would put one in me and it
would eat my insides.
Fear of driving past big trucks my husband will try to drive away from
them.I still haven't been able to get my licence
A fear of loud noices. Very intense.Reoccuring dreams that now make
sense.
A fear of men.hyperventilation and panic attacks.Deep depression and
hopelessness
A fear of cold. Being very sensitive to cold,they put me in cold dark
little rooms with mud floors.
continual rocking which helps me cope. Some kind of a spin programing
thing. we havent figured that out yet but we always have to be rocking.
But you know what? I know that God is stronger then all of them and
that I will conquer and I'm going to help all that I can.
2 Corinthians 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of
compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our
troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we
ourselves have received from God.
I have forgiven my father and they have changed so much. He is learning
to forgive himself too
I have a long way to go though and it is slow.But
I do have hope. Thanks for listening to my story