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SpongeBob candy?!
Not that surprising!

Written : 03/06/05

SpongeBob Squarepants has been this huge phenomenon for what, five, six years now? And why? I honestly couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because it's just so stupid sometimes that it's actually hilarious. Well, ok, I've never found anything SpongeBob (except for the movie) to be hilarious per se, but I'll admit that I do have a cerain soft spot for the show. I don't watch it on a regular basis or anything, but if my brother's watching it, I plop down and start watching more often than not. The sheer supidity of it is almost hypnotic.

So of course, like all huge pop-culture icons, SpongeBob's face has been printed on pretty much everything. And of course, I'm only exaggerating a little bit. From t-shirts to video games to cereal, almost no marketable item has gotten away without getting the SpongeBob Squarepants treatment, if only for a little while. The only bigger marketing whores I can think of are Shrek and Spider-Man. Shrek "endorsed" a damned truck. That's pretty damn big.

Even with all this mass SpongeBob craziness that's gripped our culture for years now, there was still one really obvious thing that I han't seen with the yellow sea sponge on it: candy. That changes now. Not long ago, I found a mysterious bag with a familiar square visage plastered all over it. Yeah, I know there's probably tons of SpongeBob candy out there, but I'd never seen it. It's not like I go looking for the stuff. This was my first encounter with such a product, but only in part. You'll see what I mean in the images to come.

And what kind of heartless multi-billion dollar corporation would Nickelodeon be without making sure that everyone knows they own every facet of this gigantic franchise? I mean, the name of the guys who made the stuff should be there. Even the Nintendo Surprise gave their credits. Unless Nick actually owns a candy producing factory. Or however that works. I'm not doing any research. Never have before and not going to start with something related to SpongeBob Squarepants. But in any case, this SpongeBob candy is nothing but a poor impostor of a candy respected and quested for by children everywhere...

"Krabby Patties"? Bah! They're nothing but those awesome gummi burgers with SpongeBob plastered all over the packaging. This is no new way of going about things. Popular franchises have been slathered all over already exiting products since the dawn of time, so I'm really not surprised at all that the SpongeBob candy has no original qualities whatsoever. In fact, these ones are far inferior to the originals. They even neglected to spell "gummi" correctly, and used a 'y' where it's supposed to be an 'i'. Unless the word "gummi" is copyrighted. But the inferiority is an aspect that I'll go over in detail a little later. Again, not gonna look into it. I mean, it's not like the gummi burgers ever tasted that great, but they were fun as fuck to play with.

Of course, how could they call them Krabby Patties and not put the infamous Mr. Krabbs onto the pckage somewhere? He's easily my favorite of all the SpongeBob characters. I mean, what's not to love about a money-hungry pirate crab with a shady past? He's like the definition of awesome. Though they really should have had him on the front of the bag rather than SpongeBob, who is only really there to make sure mindless drones spot it right away and purchase it on the sole merit of it having a popular cartoon character on it. Wow. I'm really starting to sound like I have some sort of point here. But forget that, I'm just writing about candy.

At first glance, they seem to be your standard gummi burger, albeit with a different wrapper. And for the most part, this is true. The bun is there, the condiments are there, but with one tiny difference that matters more than you could possibly imagine. There are only four sections to the burger! I mean yeah, in most variations of the gummi burger, there are only three real pieces, with some of the stuff and the bun halves actually being a single piece, but there were always five sections: top bun, green, yellow, red, and bottom bun. The gummy Krabby Patty has only the top bun, the green, the red, and the bottom bun! Therefore, it's smaller than the gummi burger! Trying to trick us by luring us in with a recognizeable face, are you? Think again! I've foiled this sinister scheme, just as I did with the Simpsons' cola scandal. Click here for a brief summary on that attepmt to pull the wool over our eyes. If I were Steve or Maddox, I probably could have turned that into an article by itself.

More Krabbs. There really isn't a lot to say about candy, so I figured I'd wow you with some totally unnecessary and uninteresting pictures of the packaging.

You see? You see!? Actually, I've forgotten my point. It is only a few lines up, but I'm too damned lazy to scroll up. I guess I'll just sit here and type word after word of filler until I remember what it was I'm trying to get across. Oh yes, how they're inferior to the original gummi burgers. Hmmm, well this picture doesn't do too good as evidence. In all honesty, I'm rushing the crap out of this article because a)it's not a very solid topic, b)I promised it would be done by tonight, and by Thor's beard I'mma finish it! and c)I really want to go play Tales of Symphonia. I've had this bad craving to play it all day, and it's been constantly interrupted by work and being out of the house and writing this article. So onto the next picture then.

I guess that if there is one thing that makes the gummy Krabby Patty better than the gummi burger, it's that you've got more pieces to fool around with. You can make a lot of odd combinations with four pieces. Like the one pictured above, you can make it so that it looks like the burger is wearing a funny green hat. Or if you're feeling defiant, you can even put the bun pieces in between the red and green pieces. OMG! You'd be so punk! ...I don't know. I'm just trying to pick on whoever I can.

The problem remains, that like most candy, these gummy Krabby Patties are significantly smaller than anyone would be comfortable with. I know candy isn't made to be a filling type of sustenance, but you'd have to eat like a whole bag to even think of considering them a reasonable snack.

And because in these pictures, you really can't get a good idea of how tiny they really are, I took a comparitive shot of the gummy Krabby Patty and my DK Bongos. maybe not everyone knows just what size the DK Bongos are, but everyone should, as Donkey Konga is great fun when you play against people who don't suck and actually get into it (much like most multiplayer games). To date, I've only played with people who either suck hard, or think the game is a big joke. Sometimes both.

And now, a comparaison to a proper snack. Then again some people might consider a bagel a meal. Those people are lightweight pussies. One bagel a meal? Come on. In any case, the bagel also tastes a whole lot better than any gummi burger. especially when toasted and coated with any number of condiments including butter, peanut butter, jam, and for some, cream cheese. I personally can't stand the stuff. Of course, I love cheesecake, which I hear is essentially the same stuff. But I'm a very picky eater and have been known not to eat things for stupid reasons such as based on what they're called, so I'm not going to be changing my mind any time soon.

But back to bagels... Oh wait, nevermind.

The coolest thing about the candy is the little containers they come in. I can't think of one right now, but I'm sure they could have some sort of practical use. If nothing else, little kids could probably find thousands of uses for these little things when they're playing. I know I could come up with stuff, but alas, age has taken it's toll on my mind and I can no longer think like a child and come up with any good ideas. While wisdom is a good tool to have, the saying is true, and often enough ignorance is indeed bliss.

I've only seen the bag variety, but after some google image searching (which is about as close to research as I get), I found that they come in these 10-pack boxes as well. the packaging on this one is even worse than the bag, as the "Nick Candy" logo is displyed much more prominently and interestingly than the actual name of the candy, as if Nickelodeon is really dead set on reinforcing the fact that it's their candy. Sure, i'd put my company's name on a box if i were selling something, but I wouldn't have it overshadow the actual product. It almost seems like you're buying into the company than you are buying some candy. Kinda sad, really. Not that they're suckering in consumer whores, but that I'm overanalyzing SpongeBob Squarepants candy.

You know, I realized that I'm reviewing candy, but I never really mentioned anything about it, other than it's packaging and size. I never got to the pertinent information. How does the stuff taste? You ever eaten a gummi burger? Well it's almost exactly the same. I didn't have both of them on hand at the same time, so I can't say for sure, but my memory of taste is pretty keen. The bad news is that that taste isn't all too appealing. it's not bad, but if it weren't for its fun factor, they probably wouldn't sell very many gummi burgers. It really is quite entertaining to play with. I'm sure everyone's had a gummi burger at least once in their lifetime. You know what I'm talking about.

On an interesting side note, while I was out Googling, I also found this object of interest. If you hadn't figured it out, it's SpongeBob fish food. That's right. Fish food. I told you he was on everything. Not even Spider-Man has his own brand of fish food. there may have been a time when a villan may have threatened to turn him into fish food, but he never endorsed the stuff. I don't think the word "sad" even really describes the situation. Sure, aquarium thingies shaped like the characters are acceptable, but why in the Hells would you want to slap your franchise on fish food? It makes no sense. But I guess that somewhere out there, some idiot fell for it and bought it just because it had the SpongeBob name tacked on. Today's lesson: people are stupid and fall for the simplest of marketing schemes.

The last thing I want you to take a look at is the original packaging for gummi burgers. Are those goofy burger characters not twice as loveable as SpongeBob? The one on the ends has a bowler hat! A bowler! That's like plus 20 awesome points right there. I, personally wouldn't make much distinction between the two, but I know that a lot of people would choose the SpongeBob burgers simply because he's on the package. Then another bunch would choose the originals because of the bowler-sporting burger. He's got class, and that's something SpongeBob could never even come close to having. That one in the middle though, he looks like kind of a slob, and I'm pretty sure that no-one would choose the candy with his face on it.

In the SpongeBob candy really isn't all that bad. I mean, the marketing stuff is superficial, and it doesn't taste all that bad. Plus, it's fun to play with. I'm really just pleased that I've managed to stretch this out to over 2000 words. It's a feat I never imagined could be done, but the art of filler is one I've mastered. The bagels helped a bit too. Bagels are awesome. I wish I was eating one right now. Mmmm... bagels.

~Ryan
E-Mail: Mr_Hotshot64v2[at]hotmail[dot]com

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