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Life after Death
Monday, 23 February 2004
This is it: my promise
I'm officially ready to die now. Regaurdless of what anyone else has t osay about how life is an exsperience you just can't miss out on, and any other unencouraging pos comments about not wanting me to die or whatever the fuck they want to say. I mean what do I have to live for honestly? NOTHING! I'M LOSING MY DAUGHTER, MY MIND, MY FREEDOM, MY COMFORT, EVERYTHING! SO WHY SHOULD I STAY?! the only thing that kept me alive this long is being takin away from me and noone is stopping this person from taking her from me, when I AM THE ONE WHO GAVE BIRTH! I AM THE ONE WHO LOVES HER AND NURCHURES HER.
and how dare anyone tell me they know how i feel, they know what it's like, BULLSHIT!! if that's true PROVE IT!! LEAVE ALL YOUR FUCKED UP DRAMA OUT OF MY LIFE FOR THE TIME BEING. YOU SEE THE SHIT I'M GOING THRU AND STILL INSSIST TO BRING MORE DRAMA INTO MY LIFE. YOU MAKE ME WISH I WERE DEAD EVEN MORE!! I'M SO FUCKING CLOSE TO LOSING IT I SWEAR TO GOD! I'M FUCKING FED THE FUCK UP WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!
sO IF tHIS POS BASTARD TAKES MY DAUGHTER, GUESS WHAT.....you will never hear from me again, and this I promise!! You will never see me again, nor will my name be uttered, you will forget about me, i will only be a fading memory to you and everyone else. Don't ever visit my grave cus there wont be one. I'm going to be cremated and my ashes will be dumped in the garbage and sent on a barge. Forget I was ever born, Lose me in thought and spirit for I will not have one. I'm leaving and thats final, if my daughter should be taken from me. i leave no will but only a testiment that will be mailed to someone i truely trusted and then publicized for everyone who knows me to hear. You will all know the truth behind everything and will have nomore questions, and if that doesnt satify well screw you and your pissy ass unsatified dumb ass.
I hate the fact that your so weak!! I hate the fact that I'm so jaded. I hate that the one person i detest more than is still alive. i wish he were dead. i wish he were the one to kill himself, but no i am the one giving up.i am the one who wants out, i'm tired of fighting with this fucktard and if anyone would like to do the honours of killing either me or him please do so.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 8:10 PM EST
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Friday, 10 October 2003
P.O.S.
i SWEAR I am so annoyed with certain ' people' i'm so ready to write em off, in one simple face to face, chat just to say,"FUCK OFF!!". Seriously, I wish shit was THAT simple. If only I were alone to my own keep. With noone to tell me, whats right or wrong in THERE eyes. Without having someone feel up on me when I'm not in the mood to be touched, then when i tell them, they get pist at me for voicing
myself, whats worst, I hate the guilt trips "people" give. One day I swear I'm sooooo fucking out of here. I can't wait until this beautiful day.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 7:48 PM EDT
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Monday, 6 October 2003
Untitled for you
If I could show you how I feel, If I could let you see my soul, If I could put you in my shoes, I would hope that you could feel the way I feel. The angst, the horror, and the fear, the worthlessness and feeling of waste. The helplessness and the loenlyness. The dispair of my crys, as I scream out in desperation to you. Why can't you hear me?! Why do you seem so far away?! Why can't I love you, the way you love me? Do you love me? Really? Or is this a game?
I ask you this i need to you to help me understand, How can you love someone and not surrender yourself to them completely?. To not go thru Heaven and Hell WITH them? To not walk in thier shoes, to not let yourself go? How is that love?
I am willing to surrender myself to you, If you are willing to do the same, Without any doubt, I would sacrifice for love, if it were that; love. But if it be just a word without truth, then I shall stray away for you, forever.
I am sorry I am not In love with you. I wish I could be, but you took so much from me. Either by chance or by Will, I feel like so much was lost, not enough happiness attained to overcome the foul that has soured and tainted our love. I wish I could let go so we could go on....together.


Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 7:02 PM EDT
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Follow up to the Redundant Post
HAHA they can do it, So can I!! The funny thing about it, I didnt mean to repeat myself. it was a HOOT!! man I miss rocko's modern life!! Tha lil dungaroo feller and his cow friend Heffer who was raised by wolves, heh, i looove that show, good humor, although not sick and demented the way i like it, but hey, it was Nickolodeon...so what do u exspect. BAAAH!!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:27 PM EDT
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Dictionary
Today I looked up the word Dictionary in my Dictionary...why...I do NOT know.

Dictionary:n;book setting forth, usually in aplphabetical order, the words of a language with meaning, derivations, foreign equivalents, etc;book of reference with items in alphabetical order.

Talk about redundancy; they just repeated themselve over and over, practically.They went into a lot of detail explaining it though, i mean as opposed to the word:

diarchy:n. government by two persons or bodies.

or the word:

morass:n:marsh,bog.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:21 PM EDT
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Today I looked up the word Dictionary in my Dictionary...why...I do NOT know.

Dictionary:n;book setting forth, usually in aplphabetical order, the words of a language with meaning, derivations, foreign equivalents, etc;book of reference with items in alphabetical order.

Talk about redundancy; they just repeated themselve over and over, practically.They went into a lot of detail explaining it though, i mean as opposed to the word:

diarchy:n. government by two persons or bodies.

or the word:

morass:n:marsh,bog.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:21 PM EDT
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Guilty as Sin
Philander... guilty... I am a philander, I love, and I love lovemaking, I love musing and being mused. I love it all.
Therefore...Mayhaps I should be alone, why?
So I don't break any hearts. Love till its out of style, Live till its time to sleep.
I remember how I used to be, I used to play the field like it was my violin. Plucking each cord ever so gently, Stromming to my own accord, playing a melodic tune that would send chills down ones spine and settle deep within them, A memory they'd vow never to forget, and never did they, for they knew if they needed me, I would find them.
Indeed, this was a moment in time where I felt free, never once held down by any man or woman, I was my own, and my own was there when ever you needed her.
So, I say once again, Philander....Guilty as sin.
I am a lover of many prospects, able to love many all at once, and never settle adn cage myself to one, who isn't ...the one.
Alone is what this girl should be, to walk the world with many, hand to hand, but never bound down to one.Sharing her love with whomever deems worthy of this gift, and to keep true to her emotions.
A lover is free when they are not imprisoned by ones own beliefs of love.


@NARKY: Govern thyself and NO other!!!!!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:08 PM EDT
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Saturday, 4 October 2003
What is PHYE, Who is Phye
It's the thin line between Triumph n failure, a place where you're niether here nor there, your somewhat on the verge of life and death. It's the Phoenix, dying and ressurecting all over again. It's the emptyness you feel when you are hurting inside, and the fullfillment you get when you are happy. Phye is the endurance of the struggles of life, love, the whole damn thing. It's an encore, over and over again. A labrynth within itself. Ever changing, everlasting truth. Phye is dignity, empathy, raw adn untapped passion, intuitive, curious, benevolent, and true only to herself and those she trusts. Phye is a Pariah having no real home, outcasted socially, a gypsy in her heart, looking for that 'home'. An anarkist, believing each soul should govern themselve and no other. She is the anchor holding together her life as best she can, without sinking. She holds all the other personalitys of her host together with tender words and compromise. She is an Analysis, breaking apart anything adn everything into its elements or component parts. The moral and amoral backbone of her hostess. She is like the Irredesent-Indigo, One momment she seems this way, but from another angle you see another side of her.
Perpetuously, she searches for her own peace, she feels she both deserves adn doesnt deserve for her actions were all in vain, she feels at a loss all the time, never once at peace, except for those few momments her host lets her out to see the world around her. She spends most of her daze, inside, wanting so bad to come out, to be her own essence, to live and create with complete control of herself and ideas. Poor Phye...I wish I could set you free...I sooo wish I could let you go so you can exsperience life for yourself and not thru my eyes. My dearest Phye, how I love and envy your free spirit, how I wish I could let you free. My body; your cage, my mind; your passifyer. Please forgive me Phye, I've failed you my dearest sister adn friend, my Queen, my love, my life, my heart and soul, my childe, my mother, my everything. You are me and I am you, Bond together in this crude adn wrekless mass called body. My soul...My essence, My captain, O captain. You rule me!!
It's on some deep shit, 4 real, not many know why or how she came to be, they just know she's there.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:42 PM EDT
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Friday, 3 October 2003
( o Y o )
You ever get to that point in life where you realize how much time you wasted?
Where you know that...If you dont do or say something at that point you will have missed the best oppertunity you ever had. Like the second after regretting not saying or doing it you realize its too late?
Yea, thought so, Seems an everyday obsticle for us all, eh?

Today was slow, just like any other day when I'm not around my circle of comrads. At least they can keep me biz-e. It feels like no matter what I do with my 'alone' time, I'm still wasting away, like nothing I do helps, Like I'm worthless to myself. I don't mean to rag on myself but it's the plain and obvious truth, that I am coming to terms with as I express myself here. Everything you read here, are thoughts and emotions I feel the exact time I type them out, this isnt The Real World-San Fransisco, No this is not Who's Line is IT anyway?-improv,
no this is my life, my death, my thoughts how they are, no matter how fucked up they may seem to you tossers out there. I could really care less if anyone agrees or disagrees with my ideas, everyone has thier own views and opinions, say what you will to offend, just know that I will return my sick sense, and believe me i dont hold back.
Passion drivin; I'll draw tears without even trying.
It may seem as though I have alot of pint up Repression, anger, whatever you want to call it, You know wat i think? Do you really want to know? BUY THE BOOK DAMIT!!
It's on Ebay and its called: How bout a fresh cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHO ASKED YOU!! the author goes by P.D.
Anyway, I'm getting my digital camera/webcam in a few days, IF anyone wants some pix, leave me your email and I'll send them, Or if you have MSN messenger, you can find me there, just send me an email and ill add you to my buddy list. Or if you have AIM, same thing applies.
Not that anyone would want to see my pix.

Remember Jolt cola? Not many people do...It was more so a HACKER drink. Something to keep em up while they coded and wrote scripts. Also late nite gamers and ub3r633X. Well I was one of those late night nintendo Heads and Drank Jolt like it was water. I swore by it and I was only 9 or 10 when I started drinking it. Man, I'd wake up for school with a hangover, one day i forgot where i was even. I used to have a bunk bed and slept on the top, and one day my mom yelled at me to wake up i forgot i was on the top bunk and rolled off, that was so ill, lol. I went to school with a busted lip and a big ass knot on my head. If i'd of cared, i probably would have been embarrased.
Yea well I think that my mom was one of the parents who wrote to the company to recall their product. DAM THE MAN!!
But yea, I miss Jolt Cola. Pepsi has nothing on Jolt.

mmm ginger snaps taste good but have a bad aftertaste. bleeeeeh. BLOG!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 11:33 PM EDT
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I have nothing to say right now, but this:
Why is it I fantasize my own death even when I'm not in the mood to die again? I mean you 'd think I d learn from my last time. No Somehow I 'm drawn to my own death, Most people would associate that with Goth, of course those are the same KIND of people who put labels on the back of canned goods and other UHD approved products sold over the US.
I say DOWN WITH THE MAN! Screw your labels and your judgemental ideas!! All you do is Stick to what you know and that is being the 'holyier than thou art' Siskel-Ebert always having an appeal to pay omage to your Analitical god of political correction.As you pay Anal Retentive attention to detail,you lose focus of the real picture, which is:: THIS JUST IN!!

NOBODY FUCKING CARES!! WHO THE HELL REALLY WONDERS, WHAT EBERT AND ROEPER REALLY THINK ABOUT ANYTHING? THEY GET PAID TO TELL YOU THIER 'VIEWS' ON WHATS GOOD AND WHATS NOT!!
WTF?! So many people got laid off this past year, and these fucktards kept thier "review" jobs, wtf!! Why can't the president put out more security jobs and training for people so this country can be better protected. I mean whats this i Hear of a man MAILING himself across country? I mean if he can DO that, then obviously SOMEONES NOT doing thier job!!
People have so much faith in thier President, in thier COuntry, in the 'American' way...But they sure as hell aren't protecting it the way they should. It's all about money, Shit, Like u didnt know?!

I swear, People as a whole make me wish I never exisited. But on one, can melt my heart. HEARTBREAKING, it's enough to just.....die.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:08 PM EDT
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