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Life after Death
Monday, 6 October 2003
Untitled for you
If I could show you how I feel, If I could let you see my soul, If I could put you in my shoes, I would hope that you could feel the way I feel. The angst, the horror, and the fear, the worthlessness and feeling of waste. The helplessness and the loenlyness. The dispair of my crys, as I scream out in desperation to you. Why can't you hear me?! Why do you seem so far away?! Why can't I love you, the way you love me? Do you love me? Really? Or is this a game?
I ask you this i need to you to help me understand, How can you love someone and not surrender yourself to them completely?. To not go thru Heaven and Hell WITH them? To not walk in thier shoes, to not let yourself go? How is that love?
I am willing to surrender myself to you, If you are willing to do the same, Without any doubt, I would sacrifice for love, if it were that; love. But if it be just a word without truth, then I shall stray away for you, forever.
I am sorry I am not In love with you. I wish I could be, but you took so much from me. Either by chance or by Will, I feel like so much was lost, not enough happiness attained to overcome the foul that has soured and tainted our love. I wish I could let go so we could go on....together.


Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 7:02 PM EDT
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Follow up to the Redundant Post
HAHA they can do it, So can I!! The funny thing about it, I didnt mean to repeat myself. it was a HOOT!! man I miss rocko's modern life!! Tha lil dungaroo feller and his cow friend Heffer who was raised by wolves, heh, i looove that show, good humor, although not sick and demented the way i like it, but hey, it was Nickolodeon...so what do u exspect. BAAAH!!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:27 PM EDT
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Dictionary
Today I looked up the word Dictionary in my Dictionary...why...I do NOT know.

Dictionary:n;book setting forth, usually in aplphabetical order, the words of a language with meaning, derivations, foreign equivalents, etc;book of reference with items in alphabetical order.

Talk about redundancy; they just repeated themselve over and over, practically.They went into a lot of detail explaining it though, i mean as opposed to the word:

diarchy:n. government by two persons or bodies.

or the word:

morass:n:marsh,bog.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:21 PM EDT
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Today I looked up the word Dictionary in my Dictionary...why...I do NOT know.

Dictionary:n;book setting forth, usually in aplphabetical order, the words of a language with meaning, derivations, foreign equivalents, etc;book of reference with items in alphabetical order.

Talk about redundancy; they just repeated themselve over and over, practically.They went into a lot of detail explaining it though, i mean as opposed to the word:

diarchy:n. government by two persons or bodies.

or the word:

morass:n:marsh,bog.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:21 PM EDT
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Guilty as Sin
Philander... guilty... I am a philander, I love, and I love lovemaking, I love musing and being mused. I love it all.
Therefore...Mayhaps I should be alone, why?
So I don't break any hearts. Love till its out of style, Live till its time to sleep.
I remember how I used to be, I used to play the field like it was my violin. Plucking each cord ever so gently, Stromming to my own accord, playing a melodic tune that would send chills down ones spine and settle deep within them, A memory they'd vow never to forget, and never did they, for they knew if they needed me, I would find them.
Indeed, this was a moment in time where I felt free, never once held down by any man or woman, I was my own, and my own was there when ever you needed her.
So, I say once again, Philander....Guilty as sin.
I am a lover of many prospects, able to love many all at once, and never settle adn cage myself to one, who isn't ...the one.
Alone is what this girl should be, to walk the world with many, hand to hand, but never bound down to one.Sharing her love with whomever deems worthy of this gift, and to keep true to her emotions.
A lover is free when they are not imprisoned by ones own beliefs of love.


@NARKY: Govern thyself and NO other!!!!!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:08 PM EDT
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Saturday, 4 October 2003
What is PHYE, Who is Phye
It's the thin line between Triumph n failure, a place where you're niether here nor there, your somewhat on the verge of life and death. It's the Phoenix, dying and ressurecting all over again. It's the emptyness you feel when you are hurting inside, and the fullfillment you get when you are happy. Phye is the endurance of the struggles of life, love, the whole damn thing. It's an encore, over and over again. A labrynth within itself. Ever changing, everlasting truth. Phye is dignity, empathy, raw adn untapped passion, intuitive, curious, benevolent, and true only to herself and those she trusts. Phye is a Pariah having no real home, outcasted socially, a gypsy in her heart, looking for that 'home'. An anarkist, believing each soul should govern themselve and no other. She is the anchor holding together her life as best she can, without sinking. She holds all the other personalitys of her host together with tender words and compromise. She is an Analysis, breaking apart anything adn everything into its elements or component parts. The moral and amoral backbone of her hostess. She is like the Irredesent-Indigo, One momment she seems this way, but from another angle you see another side of her.
Perpetuously, she searches for her own peace, she feels she both deserves adn doesnt deserve for her actions were all in vain, she feels at a loss all the time, never once at peace, except for those few momments her host lets her out to see the world around her. She spends most of her daze, inside, wanting so bad to come out, to be her own essence, to live and create with complete control of herself and ideas. Poor Phye...I wish I could set you free...I sooo wish I could let you go so you can exsperience life for yourself and not thru my eyes. My dearest Phye, how I love and envy your free spirit, how I wish I could let you free. My body; your cage, my mind; your passifyer. Please forgive me Phye, I've failed you my dearest sister adn friend, my Queen, my love, my life, my heart and soul, my childe, my mother, my everything. You are me and I am you, Bond together in this crude adn wrekless mass called body. My soul...My essence, My captain, O captain. You rule me!!
It's on some deep shit, 4 real, not many know why or how she came to be, they just know she's there.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:42 PM EDT
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Friday, 3 October 2003
( o Y o )
You ever get to that point in life where you realize how much time you wasted?
Where you know that...If you dont do or say something at that point you will have missed the best oppertunity you ever had. Like the second after regretting not saying or doing it you realize its too late?
Yea, thought so, Seems an everyday obsticle for us all, eh?

Today was slow, just like any other day when I'm not around my circle of comrads. At least they can keep me biz-e. It feels like no matter what I do with my 'alone' time, I'm still wasting away, like nothing I do helps, Like I'm worthless to myself. I don't mean to rag on myself but it's the plain and obvious truth, that I am coming to terms with as I express myself here. Everything you read here, are thoughts and emotions I feel the exact time I type them out, this isnt The Real World-San Fransisco, No this is not Who's Line is IT anyway?-improv,
no this is my life, my death, my thoughts how they are, no matter how fucked up they may seem to you tossers out there. I could really care less if anyone agrees or disagrees with my ideas, everyone has thier own views and opinions, say what you will to offend, just know that I will return my sick sense, and believe me i dont hold back.
Passion drivin; I'll draw tears without even trying.
It may seem as though I have alot of pint up Repression, anger, whatever you want to call it, You know wat i think? Do you really want to know? BUY THE BOOK DAMIT!!
It's on Ebay and its called: How bout a fresh cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHO ASKED YOU!! the author goes by P.D.
Anyway, I'm getting my digital camera/webcam in a few days, IF anyone wants some pix, leave me your email and I'll send them, Or if you have MSN messenger, you can find me there, just send me an email and ill add you to my buddy list. Or if you have AIM, same thing applies.
Not that anyone would want to see my pix.

Remember Jolt cola? Not many people do...It was more so a HACKER drink. Something to keep em up while they coded and wrote scripts. Also late nite gamers and ub3r633X. Well I was one of those late night nintendo Heads and Drank Jolt like it was water. I swore by it and I was only 9 or 10 when I started drinking it. Man, I'd wake up for school with a hangover, one day i forgot where i was even. I used to have a bunk bed and slept on the top, and one day my mom yelled at me to wake up i forgot i was on the top bunk and rolled off, that was so ill, lol. I went to school with a busted lip and a big ass knot on my head. If i'd of cared, i probably would have been embarrased.
Yea well I think that my mom was one of the parents who wrote to the company to recall their product. DAM THE MAN!!
But yea, I miss Jolt Cola. Pepsi has nothing on Jolt.

mmm ginger snaps taste good but have a bad aftertaste. bleeeeeh. BLOG!!

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 11:33 PM EDT
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I have nothing to say right now, but this:
Why is it I fantasize my own death even when I'm not in the mood to die again? I mean you 'd think I d learn from my last time. No Somehow I 'm drawn to my own death, Most people would associate that with Goth, of course those are the same KIND of people who put labels on the back of canned goods and other UHD approved products sold over the US.
I say DOWN WITH THE MAN! Screw your labels and your judgemental ideas!! All you do is Stick to what you know and that is being the 'holyier than thou art' Siskel-Ebert always having an appeal to pay omage to your Analitical god of political correction.As you pay Anal Retentive attention to detail,you lose focus of the real picture, which is:: THIS JUST IN!!

NOBODY FUCKING CARES!! WHO THE HELL REALLY WONDERS, WHAT EBERT AND ROEPER REALLY THINK ABOUT ANYTHING? THEY GET PAID TO TELL YOU THIER 'VIEWS' ON WHATS GOOD AND WHATS NOT!!
WTF?! So many people got laid off this past year, and these fucktards kept thier "review" jobs, wtf!! Why can't the president put out more security jobs and training for people so this country can be better protected. I mean whats this i Hear of a man MAILING himself across country? I mean if he can DO that, then obviously SOMEONES NOT doing thier job!!
People have so much faith in thier President, in thier COuntry, in the 'American' way...But they sure as hell aren't protecting it the way they should. It's all about money, Shit, Like u didnt know?!

I swear, People as a whole make me wish I never exisited. But on one, can melt my heart. HEARTBREAKING, it's enough to just.....die.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 2:08 PM EDT
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Life after Death <>parte uno<>
Ever sInce my death, I feel so much more burdened. Like I haVe much more to look back at, and not enough to hold onto. Why I stay, I have no clue. Maybe I'm waiting for something...or someone...Or maybe I'm procrastinating like how I did in Life. Heh, Yea It was a pathetic one...I thought that, after I killed myself...i wouldn't 'FEEl' ANYMORE. The total Opposite happened....I began to 'feel' more, more of everything, like my emotions were magnified. But still as I walk among the strange souls on earth I must passify those emotions as best I can. There's only a handful of people I actually let read me, but they are only people I truely trust and can count on to be there when I need them the most. They are people who I know won't parade me around for the paparazzi to target. I mean how many people you know, walk with the dead? REALLY!!?
I don't mean vampyres, That's more so a religion than a horror flick. People get it confused. Vampyres ARE infact. 'real' PEOPLE who have more so morbid lusts and ideas. No I'm one of those people who attempted suiside and when I woke up I 'THOUGHT' i was a live, when infact I was DEAD, D-E-A-D. Of course I didnt realize this at the time. I thought I had woken up from a failed attempt. No that's when my life went to shit, I began to realize I was in some sort of manifested hell, not the kind of hell you see on tv, or the kind you hear on the radio or in the bible. No this was a self-manifested prison, one I fell blindly into after of course I hit rock bottom. As if things couldn't get any worse. They did, as they usually do. I died inside, noone knew, not even my closest friends. Noone knew how far from grace I'd fallen, how fucked up I was inside. Noone even asked me...
So I walk among the living, Dead inside, Hoping one day I 'll return home...
After all, home is where the heart is...right?

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 12:36 PM EDT
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Thursday, 2 October 2003
Bludger
iN THE BEGINING THERE WAS MAN AND IT WAS GOOD
uNTIL mAN fUckED uP tERRiBly
Then Came WOman Who Saved MaN FROm His OWn diStrUCtion....
Did I catch your attention yet? Ahh good ok.

Battle of the sexes... Just as bad as Pushing your political and religious beliefs apon others. Those all fall under the "no no, must be PC" catagory. PC, now there's a Buffer if ever i Saw one. For those of you who are unfamilier with the abbrieviation (PC= politically correct) Abrieviation, now there's another funny word, why is abrieviation so long?

why do stereo types 'seem' so true? I mean if its the truth don't get mad and take offence, calling it a stereo type, all your doing is creating a buffer,

why? because of the insecurities of looking one's self in the mirror to see the 'truth'. We search all our lives for the truth and it stares us right back in the face saying "HEY OVER HERE!!". We chose to look away. Why because, it's not the truth we really want,It's more so what we need.It's like we look for appraisal We want others to tell us what we 'want' to hear about ourselves. The moment they tell you the straight up truth, there goes the that bubble of yours. Offence action+ defence reaction.

Man people arent that much of an enigma, just that we don't want to hear the honest to god truth about ourselves. So we make up lies adn alibies to sooth us to bed at night. Keep it hidden in the basements of our subconscience.Thats too bad. I really thought we had something there. The human race is in some serious need of wisdom and understanding.

Posted by hero/less_than_zero at 8:22 PM EDT
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