Christyn's Journal
Sometime in the end of March, i don't like calendars.
I'm reviewing the situation....
and I think I better think it out again.
Maybe I shouldn't have gone. I just knew I would
get hurt. And to think that I thought about him all day,
dreamt about him all night.. it's not a good sign when he tells your best friend he loves her.
Love. What is love? Maybe I don't know.
I've heard stories of true love, but I doubt that
I'll ever experience real love. Fake love,
but I'm not sure anyone my age realizes the meaning of love.
Lust, yes, but not true love.
And theres always Max. Who probably doesn't like me anyway. and Liz likes him anyway. and she's a better person than I am.
Most people are. Not like I'm a bad kid or
anything. I just don't do or think anything right. I don't learn from experience.
I just repeat my mistakes. and get hurt again.
I want to be in another life. Just anything successful,
anything not me.
I want to get to people's emotion. Through
music. Music is so powerful. I don't know how it
works. but i'm listening to a song now and i'm crying. maybe its just the nice melody,
maybe i can relate to it. Music is one of the greatest
things this world has discovered. Too bad I suck at guitar.
Why do I do this to myself.
I mean like, get attatched to people so quickly,
and then get hurt..every time. have i gotten anywhere?
hardly.
I had this weird feeling all day, this
intuitive thing to call Joey. It was really
weird. Too bad he doesn't pick up his phone.
The whole reason I'm making this is to
complain about my horrible life.. But it's not.
so why. well, i'm not sure. but i guess seeing my life on the screen is easier than trying to
sort it out in my head. like a Pensieve.
Julia and I are all into our own version of
witchcraft, well, i guess you could call it
that, not really. we're all into astrology too.
no one really knows. but i feel like its like
rebelling against God. I might ask her if we
could stop making that damned book.
I believe in God. I guess i was raised that
way. But i just know hes there. almy doesnt seem
to think so. but how could there not be.
thats depressing to think about.
We danced very close. He acted like he liked me. and then he didnt. but hey, thats the story of
my life. Too bad it didn't last. coulda been nice.
I have a good family. They're really nice.
My dad runs. and triathalons.
if thats a verb. hes all obsessed with it. I'm not
really sure. I think he needs to prove something to
himself. We just all think he's crazy. maybe
we
shouldnt. but we try to support him.
My dad's one of those dads who are extremely
fun sometimes, and the moment they're all stressed
out, they give the entire family the silent treatment.
Because when hes angry, hes very very angry.
Too bad he's stressed out a lot.
He's not a computer kinda guy. He wanted to check
basketball scores today. so me and michelle helped him.
but when he double clicked on "sports" there was a
blackout. he was all like "what did i do?" it was
pretty funny.
Ok, well not that funny,
yes i know. My mom is a normal mom. capricorn.
kinda shy when she was little. still a bit self
consious and nervous. guess i get it from her.
she plays tennis. with jeff's mom.
Jeff is my friend. And Alex.
and Brittany. and Billy. and thats all I'm sure
of right now. its very likely that everyone else
despises me.
It seems that Almy and Courtney want
to be friends with me again. Always a good sign. not
sure why they didnt want to, they still havent told
me. after reading this, everyones going to
think i'm a friggin pessimist. but i'm not. if
you know me in real life. i'm just angry.
and upset. but hey, thats the story of my life.
Too bad i don't have any friends.
I like max. hes very sweet. he has nice
eyes, and a very cute trademark smile. his
personality is like perfect. too bad he's in
love with someone else. he asked me to dance
though. and i enjoyed it very much.
i wonder if he likes me, or just had a feeling i liked him.
you never know with max. and i wish i did.
Well I should stop writing now, before I make
any more enemies. I'll talk to you later.
Same night, a bit later
Is it alright, that I feel inferior around
guys. like i'm worse than them. and i feel
superior to girls? its actually strange. i also
feel superior to young couples. not sure why.
just feel like my family did things right, and
they're stupid americans.
what i define as a stupid american is like,
someone you see on family feud who
answers "potato" when the host says "name a
fruit".
joey and billy read my last entry.. i just
want to say to billy -thank you for making me feel
better, and to
joey- i just don't know what to think
anymore. i wish i could say something
intelligent, but theres just all these screwed up
emotions i have. i don't want to say i loved
you. because..well..i don't like to admit that.
and you love someone else, or so you say. and it
was only one day. but it was one of the best <
days i've ever lived through. whoever said that
ignorance is bliss is extremely iintelligent.
you can't get over almy. and its not fair to
you. she likes 3 other people as well. which
is just like her. i'm not trying to openly <
say "almy is too fickle, go out with me", lol,
but you get the just. anyway, i like max anyway,
but of course, that will be out in another
couple days when people decide to revolt against <
me again. then katie will find out. and
taunt me.
wow, i hate her. i really despise her.
i feel so bad for max. she's such a friggin bitch.
and then everyone goes on and on about how nice she
is.
I need to start anew. i don't know how, but
i wish i could put all my past behind me and
be a completely different person tommorow. too bad
tommorow i'm going to stand out in the rain
and tell runners how wonderful they are.
Becuase i'm john daughter. laura michelle
and i. and we're just so perfect. and then
they'll all come over the house. and we get to
be his personal slaves.
Sometimes i just go to the top of my
street for the hell of it. just to sing,
"on the street where you live", you see, because max
lives on my street. i went over his house once,
about 4 weeks ago maybe. he was quite the
gentleman. i look forward to seeing him in
the summer.
but for now, i'll pretend to be walking my dog
and just stare at this lamp he's got in his
window. i dunno, it just brings a kind of
symbolic connection to him. i really like that
lamp.
and sometimes, i go into my basement just to
know i'm close to him, cuz his room is in his
basement. (yes i know where it is) don't suspect
anything like katie did. that was pretty funny.
Today i went to open house in the morning. i
toured around this spaztic lady who was all like "my son is perfect". and this other lady whos
nephew was from taiwan and he needed another year
of english before going into an american high school.
I also babysat. for 2 adorable kids. jason
and tyler. tyler's almost 2, jason is 5. i see
weird parallels between them and my family. jason is a perfectionist like laura, and tyler tries to ruin
everything he does like me, even small things like
when i was little i ripped apart lauras dollhouse
and knocked down her block towers.
tyler knocked down jason's sand castle and wrecked
his board game. and the baby emily just
kinda sits there and watches her siblings be complete idiots (like michelle).
too bad i wasnt really paying attention to them today, just put
in the rescue heros tape. and thought about joey.
and joey, if you're reading this, i had a
wonderful time at the dance, just being in your
arms. and i wouldn't have said this, its just that almy said i'm allowed to like you. but i
shouldnt. and i'm trying not to.
its real stupid of me to "like" two people.
it will only make me hurt furthur when i find out
neither one are the slightest bit interested in me. but i don't know that. and i'll keep it a secret
from myself as long as i can.
i keep secrets from myself often. and the
secrets are usually right. my subconscious is
usually right. my thoughts are usually right.
and so is my advice. except to myself. I'm
going to go to sleep now but please remember, to all my friends who read this, i think about you all
constantly and you all have a place in my heart. remember that - each and every one of
you ....three...are very important to me. I guess
I'll have to go back to the drawing board---- "True love can be whispered from heart to heart, when
lovers are parted they say, but I must depend on a wish, and a star, as long as my heart doesn't know who
you are."
Too bad i can't see any stars. damn rain.
The next morning 6:40 a.m. i checked the calendar,
it's march 30th
I'm so tired. but of course, i'm john's
daughter. which automatically volunteers me to
hand out water at every race possible. of course
today thats all different, because I won't
be handing out water. today i'm a course
martial. which means i have to stand on a corner,
and tell people to
go that way. why can't they just make a sign?
I thought i would do a lot of thinking once i
went to sleep last night. but i realized the time
wasn't worth it. no one cares except me. wow, that
seems to happen a lot.
So if any of you are looking for me today,
thats where I am. some race, far far away.
March 30th, 1:47 p.m.br>
I "took my dog for a walk because he needs
exercise" today. I actually went to go stare at
that lamp. just for fun. this time i got a
better look at it. its green. and gold.
I really should be doing my homework, but i
don't know what we have, and we have erbs anyway,
so why bother. why bother with anything anymore.
No one said on their death bed, "man, i
should have worked more." why bother "liking
someone" if its all fake and frivolous.
I have most everyones yearbook entrees planned
out. Some have quotes, some have songs, but
they're all at least a half page long. They all
deserve more though. I can't believe we're
leaving. It just seems so weird after all these
years.
My family went out to dinner last night. It
was fun. We made fun of my dad and quizzed
eachother on politics. gotta love them budzynas.
I watched West Side Story the other day. One
of the best movies of all time. I had a dream
once that everyone in the grade was in that movie. I was maria. max was anton. (the romeo and
juliet characters) joey was bernardo. almy was
anita.(Tybalt and his girlfriend) casey was
riff. billy was little john (mercutio and
benvolio) courtney was consuelo (one of marias
friends) and mr pacelli was the candy shop guy
(the priest) the rest were just either on the
sharks
or the jets. it was a good
dream. until max and joey and casey died and i
had to run around with a gun threatening to
shoot people.
Laura just showed me her prom dress, for
junior prom. its very lovely and pink. i inherited her graduation dress that i'm probably
wearing. its light blue.
I feel unintelligent today. Like i'm existing
for no apparent purpose. its probably because i
have no one to please. i like helping people,
loving them. makes me feel better about myself.
maybe this is just a part of God's crazy
plan. make me very unlucky now so i can have
a good husband later. or a good career. you
never know. or at least, i never know.
Its funny how i can talk for hours and hours
about absolutely nothing, without really knowing
it. like right now.
I don't have anything else to ramble about
right now. not many thoughts. I will tonight
though. i always do. (I know you do! Smoke on
your pipe, and put that in!) (sorry, random burst
of musical)
I'll talk to you soon.
March 31, 8:46 p.m.
My little sister and I are planning out April
Fools jokes. We've got some good ones so far.
Thats the great thing about having a little sister
like her. She's willing to do it, and set it up too.
Everyone in school seems distant lately. I
don't know why. I just have this strange
feeling. Kentucky lost to Marquette. My final
four is ruined. Eh, what the hell. Who
gives a damn anyway.
I met very interesting people at the race
yesterday. One man named Bernie, who's my dad's
arch rival, has run a marathon on every
continent. One of those big tough Vietnam War
veteran type of guys. He really wanted to run a
marathon in antartica, but something went wrong, i
forget what, so they ended up running some-hundred
times in the ice around their boat. Crazy war
veterans.
I'm feeling quite ugly today. You know, one
of those days where you're like, eh screw it, i
don't care what i look like. yeah, thats today.
not as depressed as usual, which is a good sign.
Max is very charming. I made him a sim
today. married to me of course. when i get sims
superstar, i think i'm gonna make him a movie
star. just for kicks. hes got enough damned
charm in real life already.
My family and i watched a "home video" today.
It was my sixth birthday. I got the
Samantha doll, which I had waited for for a long
time. Of course, a couple months later, 3 year old
michelle got one too, just because she was
little. damn spoiled younger children. i think i
have some weird middle child complex.
I like Emily Dickenson. Yeah, shes a sucky writer but
hey, it's kinda what i do, write stuff on a whim,
a 30 second thought, whatever pops into my head.
Kinda cool that she succeeded. Think she could be
my new role model.
Not much more to say on this day, it was quite ordinary.
April 15, 12:13 p.m.
Sorry I haven't written in awhile. Been a bit
preoccupied. I'll start from the last day of
Spring vacation on.
I went to the High Tech event. It was
really cool. There were 4 rooms: classical, rock,
techno and broadway. you had to vote on who was
the best. laura's friend aimee won, she tap
danced to "i wanna be a producer". I even played
chess with some really scary long haired leader of
a rock band guy. He was really nice. Seth sang
and played the guitar, it was lovely.
Oh and yes, i met andrew! If you're
reading this, it was a pleasure to meet you
On Saturday, I cleaned out my entire
basement. Completely scourged it of barbies,
polly pockets, littlest pet shop crap,stuffed
animals and so on. we're having a garage sale,
all with really nice stuff.
I also watched Fiddler on the Roof. Gotta
be in the top ten movies of all time. It's about
this Jewish family in Russia in the early 1900s.
There was pogroms and stuff on their town and they
were forced to move away at the end. While all
this was going on, tradition was being lost and
stuff. The father was a great believer in
tradition, you know all the "i get to pick who my
daughters marry" stuff. hes actually a really
good guy, main character. the father let the
oldest daughter marry a poor man, the second to a
communist prisoner in siberia (dont know what she was
thinking) much to his reluctance. he was
like "i have to keep tradition, but look at my
daughter's eyes, she loves him." The youngest
daughter (worst of all) eloped with a Christian,
because the father wouldnt let them marry.
Everything was out of his control. at his first
daughters wedding, the czar's soldiers burned all
their wedding gifts, it was really horrible. oh
yeah, and the whole fiddler on the roof
symbolism. the fiddler represents changing times,
but the roof on which he stands is tradition. at
the end of the movie, when all the jews are forced
to move away, the father finally acknowledges the
fiddler, who is now off the roof.
anyway, its hard to explain, but a very
very good movie, i just make it sound boring. I'm
leaving for Boston this afternoon to look at
colleges for laura. we were supposed to go to
Florida. :(. my dog just left to go to the pet-
sitters house. muffin is there too! lol.
On Sunday we went to Chilis, and then to
Barnes and Noble, and guess what???! I got the
Chamber of Secrets dvd! its so cool! My mom's
letting me go to barnes and noble at midnight on
june 21.
On Monday, I cleaned some more, and played
old video games with my sisters. Laura and I were
racially profiling the digital people on
coolboarders 3. it was lots of fun. i really
suck at that game. haha, its like from 1995
though. since it was earth day, we put together a
puzzle of the earth. (logical thing to do, isnt
it?) well, it amused us. It still had the Soviet
Union on it. we found that humerous. of course,
on monday, we were a bit hyper on cream soda and
found everything humerous. Monday night, my dad
came home from Utah and watched the video of our
play. he kept going on about how good it was.
maybe he was just being polite. lol. it didnt
suck that bad though. everyone was well casted.
my parents really liked tim as prince charming and
the judge. my hobbit is so cute! and he writes
poetry. lol
Today is Tuesday morning, and we're
leaving for Boston really soon, just have to wait
till laura gets home. i havent done anything
constructive this morning, its the first time i've
been on the computer in a couple weeks.
April 15, 12:34
Hey, I came back. I just had another
funny thought pop into my head. I wonder what
people think of this webpage. I mean, does some
of it say what people in my grade really want to
say, but are too scared.? or does it help people
understand me better? my changing thoughts and
feelings? not many people are open to writing
something like this. too personal. do i have so
little self-respect that i post daily emotions
toward the world? no, i dont think so, i hope
not.
My dad is on the computer, probably
checking e-mail after e-mail. He even opens junk
mail to make sure its important or not. ugh,
adults do not understand technology. we try to
teach them, and it gets us no where. I'll
ttyaigbfv. talk to you after i get back from
vacation.
