6/7/2008 - When I grow up and own a race horse, I'm going to name it "To Close to Call." That's an awesome name for a horse.
12/18/2006 - You know what Michael Jackson's favorite smells are? Adolescents.
11/25/2006 - If it is rude for me to speak with my mouth full, is it rude for a deaf person to speak with their hands full? If a kid who uses bad language has his mouth washed out with soap, does a deaf person who uses bad language have their hands washed?
10/17/2006 - Know what religion Method Man is? Methodist.
8/11/2006 - So I had this dream where Taco Bell had this new Super Grande Meal, and for $16.99 you got something like 6 steak tacos and a mariachi band that would play for the duration of your meal.
6/18/06 - They should really make scrath-n-sniff lottery tickets. They already have scrath-n-win, but instead of scratching to reveal numbers or pictures, you could scrath and be like, "Orange . . . orange . . . ohhhhhh apple, too bad." It'd be a whole new sensory experience.
4/23/06 - Today I saw a homeless man with a Palm Pilot. What does a homeless man do with a Palm Pilot? Schedule meetings?
3/11/06 - What type of cigarettes does George Clinton smoke? . . . Parliament Funadelics.
1/20/06 - I think it is time to start carrying an airhorn. Coming back from class today, two cars honked at me for seperate incidents where they did not agree with my decisions. They honked and I had nothing. Next time it happens, I'll just blast them with my airhorn.
1/19/06 - Today I saw someone smoking a cigarette with a fork.
12/21/05 - Did you hear Paris Hilton split away from her family to start a new hotel chain? It is called the Ditz Carlton.
12/4/05 - I've been having some really weird dreams lately. Last week, I had a dream about meeting Emilio Estevez outside a Dunkin' Donuts in Virginia. But what's even creepier is a dream I had this week where I got stabbed. I got stabbed! It was in this specific place on campus, and some guy came up behind me and he had his arms folded weirdly. I turned around to look at him and he pulled out a knife. We struggled, and in this dream I was a terrible fighter. I ended up getting stabbed in the back. I started yelling to get people's attention and he got scared and ran away. Then when I got taken to the hospital I had no wounds and I was flipping out because I was thinking, "Did I just imagine getting stabbed?" I want to go to one of those dream interpreters and find out what this means.
11/8/05 - Today I coined a new phrase, reverse diarrhea. What is reverse diarrhea you ask? Well, it's like diarrhea only in reverse, or being forced to listen to an entire Marron 5 CD being played throughout the gym.
10/16/05 - Most inadvertently awkward thing I've said recently (at dinner with my parents and sister): "I bet Nike pays them $100,000 to play with their balls." I was referring to how golfers get sponsorship money. Luckily I was the only one who caught on to it .
9/18/05 - Know who would make a great couple? Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben.
9/14/05 - I was in a pretty bad mood today, until I saw the losers on this bus.
9/2/05 - Last night, I had a dream I was at a football game, and in the middle of the game they just stopped it because Lindsay Lohan was there and she wanted to sing for everybody to try and redeem her "career."
I also found this picture that I had ready to put on this website and never did.
Appropriatly, I had labeled it, "Oh snap. Literally."
8/29/05 - Last night, I had a dream that I was sitting and waiting in a hotel lobby and I saw Seal (the singer), and I was going to tell him how awesome he was but figured he'd be happier if I left him alone. Oh yeah, and Heidi Klum was there, because they're making babies together. Also, I just learned Seal has three albums out, all named Seal.
7/27/05 - If I can do a half ass job, what's to stop me from doing a quarter ass or full ass job?
7/23/05 - Is someone from the Domincan Republic a Dominican Republican?
6/23/05 - Here's my hate-rant for today: I hate people with license plates that include "MY." Today I saw a car that had the New York license plate: "MY BMWX5." Sickening. And it's only on the expensive cars. You'd never see the license plate "MY GEO." Later in life, as a hobby, I may start stealing these plates, then find out who owns them and I would take pictures of the plate blindfolded and me holding a gun to the plate. I would steal their license plate, torture it, and make them watch.
5/15/05 - If a cop arrests a deaf guy, does he tell him he has the right to remain silent? And even if sign language does count, once the guy is in handcuffs, he can't "say" anything anyway.
4/21/05 - So last night I had this dream and I was at this hotel with my mom, and we were racing to get out of it because Puff Daddy had found out that Jennifer Lopez had cheated on him and she had told us, so Puff Daddy was real mad at us and was coming to get us. I was really scared too, because, he's Puff Daddy you know, and I was running to pull something out of this dresser when my alarm went off and I woke up.
4/3/05 - True story, I was waiting for my Metro to come and there was this guy on a bench and I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, is that Dave Chappelle?" I keep on looking at him and the more I keep staring, the more and more it looks like him. Finally the metro comes, he stands up and reveals the truth, he's not Dave Chapelle but sure lookes a hell of a lot like him. I was crushed.
1/28/05 - So it's time for Spring Rush and you know what the Jewish frat is calling their recruitment porcess? Rush Hashana. . . No not really, but it'd be pretty funny if they did.
12/20/04 - Today as I was walking outside I passed by a tree and there was this dead bird on the ground beneath it. It looked like it froze and just fell off the tree because it's legs were sticking up in the air. I started laughing and pointed it out to the person I was walking with, but she didn't find it so funny.
11/25/04 -
11/06/04 - Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming out with an exercise video? Yeah, he's calling it Pilates of the Caribbean.
10/23/04 - What is it that makes handkercheifs socially acceptable? To me a handkerchief is like a diaper. Instead of disposing your waste you decide to carry it around with you.
9/24/04 - Any "Happy Hour" that lasts longer than 60 minutes is a crock of shit.
After much consideration, I must say my favorite word is gerrymandering. It sounds like something you'd call an old man. But while I'm at it, I might as well let you know Merriam-Webster defines gerrymandering as "to divide (a territorial unit) into election districts to give one political party an electoral majority in a large number of districts while concentrating the voting strength of the opposition in as few districts as possible."
8/22/04 - Best name for an Olympic athlete: Stubby Clapp. Is Stubby short for something, like stubborn? Or for an arm? (just think about it)
Because of differeing currency values, in Japan they don't listen to the lastest by 50 Cent, they listen to 53.6346 Yen.
7/30/04 - Cross Training is how people prepare for crossdressing.
7/17/04 - What do you call a camel who likes to rock out? . . . A jamel.
7/8/04 - How do you know if someone is from the Czech Republic . . . Guess and Czech.
7/4/04 - At every movie you ever see there will always be two characteristic people. There is that guy who always laughs at everything, even if it isn't funny. And then there is that person who claps at the end of the movie, because the actors and directors, and choreographers, and cinematographers, and lighting technicians and everyone else can really hear you.
6/23/04 - Whatever happened to post-calculus?
Orientation is the process of becoming Oriental. Kind of like that song, "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so."
Still contemplating making this page a Blog. I need feedback. I'm undecided.
6/22/04 - As it turns out, I'm not a dumbass. I thought I was because I couldn't log in to this page to edit it, but now I figured it out and I can! More brilliance.
You know that band Modest Mouse? What would happen if they started bragging? They'd be finished.
Anyone who has been shot in the hand is handicapped, because think about it. They got capped in the hand(i).
6/15/04 - If you took a test in a cubicle, it would be a testicle.
pre-Thoughts thoughts
-Know how bird poop has that little white circle and then the black turd in the middle? When I was young, I used to think that the little black thing was the poop and the white stuff was little bird toiletpaper.
-Did you hear 50 Cent is coming out with a cologne? . . . Yeah, he's calling it 50 Scent.
