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Friday, 16 April 2004

Deeyell - where wings take er dreamTITLE> <br clear="all" /> <p> <div class="time"> Posted by hero/deeyell at 7:14 PM BST <br /> <a class="timeLink" href="javascript:add_comment('178433')">Post Comment</a> | <a href="" class="timeLink">Permalink</a> | <a class="timeLink" href="" onclick="javascript:share_this_page(this, ''); return false;">Share This Post</a> </div> </div> </div> <div class="date">Thursday, 15 April 2004</div> <div class=""> <div class="entry"> <span class="title">A critique of Marshall Law</span><br /> Poor old Sammo<br><br>Saturday night. I, the pathetic loser, have nowhere to go, so I settle down with some yoghurt to watch TV. Channel Four has something interesting about Da Vinci, but I’m not in an intellectual mood. And BBC1 has The National Lottery: Jet Set, but I’m not feeling particularly stupid either. Channel Five is screening a re-run of Martial Law. I’m sold.<br>If you’re unfamiliar with this programme, don’t worry; it’s a piece of shit. Each episode of Martial Law revolves around this guy, he’s called Sammo, and he’s a Chinese cop hot off the plane from Shanghai, come out West to show them how to bust ass China-style. It really is hilarious; some American network executive has clearly heard this guy’s big in the East, shipped him over, and put him in a crash course at the local LA English school. Except fat-man Sammo can’t cut it and drops out after two weeks; he can barely pronounce his colleagues’ names, let alone deliver line after line of poorly scripted dialogue, intended solely to move the plot from one mundane fight scene to the next.<br>And did I mention that Sammo is fat? He tries to hide it with a new suit every week, but this actually accentuates his problem, making the fight scenes even more ludicrous than they already are. Because in Martial Law, every scene is a martial arts showcase, and every single bad guy, no matter how lowly, is a Kung-Fu guru. Apparently, in LA, the skill is so common that criminals rank themselves according to their proficiency at it; the henchmen thus make for hapless cannon fodder, allowing portly Sammo to take on twenty at once – with spectacular results. With the programme’s logic, the endless supply of shady underworld figures who run the show are therefore good enough to guarantee the inevitable showdown with Sammo to last at least five minutes, allowing the script writers to round off each episode neatly, without need for yet another unfeasible plot-twist to bulk up the minimalist plots.<br>Sammo’s surname is, implausibly, “Law”. The show’s creator probably thought it was ingenious, naming a policeman “Law”. Good call, loser, it’s about as clever as the Dukes of Hazzard. Pity they failed to consider the likelihood of a Chinese first-generation immigrant who can’t even speak English just happening to have an English name that suits perfectly their job. Sammo’s co-“stars” have equally improbable names that only someone losing their grip on reality could come up with. The one and only woman character is pert ‘n’ sassy Detective Dana Doyle; Terrell Parker is the wise-cracking stereotypical black sidekick, who I’m guessing just loves fried chicken (such is the show’s calibre); and Captain Benjamin Winship is the crusty, old, white police captain who is “this close” to busting Sammo’s ass off the force, yet develops a grudging respect for his unorthodox methods.<br> Talking of crap names, did I mention the episode titles? A quick browse of yields, “Diamond Fever”, Extreme Measures”, “Deathfist 5: Major Crimes Unit”, and, classically, “How Sammo Got His Groove Back”, which I just have to see; it sounds great. Each episode ends with outtakes, in case we need to be reminded that the characters are in truth actors (oh, the revelation). All that these serve to do, however, is to emphasize Sammo’s weight problem and to underline the fact that he cannot pronounce certain letters of the alphabet. After seeing the outtakes, I marvel that they ever got a fluid fight scene together, considering how ungainly he is.<br> Nevertheless, all of this saddens me. Honestly. Although I laugh at Sammo, part of me feels truly sorry that he is being exploited in such a sadistic way for such a crap show. Bearing in mind his meagre grasp of English, it seems likely that poor old Sammo signed an extremely harsh contract without even realising the ramifications of his actions, i.e. that he would be made a fool of on a weekly basis. Poor, poor Sammo.<br>(c) Deeyell - i like to label<br> <br clear="all" /> <p> <div class="time"> Posted by hero/deeyell at 7:58 PM BST <br /> Updated: Thursday, 15 April 2004 8:02 PM BST <br /> <a class="timeLink" href="javascript:add_comment('177853')">Post Comment</a> | <a href="" class="timeLink">Permalink</a> | <a class="timeLink" href="" onclick="javascript:share_this_page(this, ''); return false;">Share This Post</a> </div> </div> </div> <div class=""> <div class="entry"> <span class="title">Some thoughts</span><br /> The sexual politics of Harry Potter<br><br>The great man Quentin Tarantino once said (and I paraphrase) that all good works of fiction should have a subtext; there should be something more to them than merely a series of plot events stringed into a narrative. Indeed, QT’s very own Pulp Fiction has its biblical subtext (see other, more fanatical pages, for details); Star Wars has its crappy and meaningless references to Hinduism.<br> Now JK Rowling’s latest opus, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, can proudly claim to be a member of this not-so-select group, albeit in a slightly more seedy sub-genre of subtexts: the crudely sexual. Others in this sub-genre include Tom Cruise’s fantastically unintended homosexual romp, Top Gun¸ and The Lord of the Rings, with its Frodo-Sam ‘bond-between-fighting-men’ narrative and hotly denied claims that Frodo is in fact gay, claims no doubt aided by Elijah Wood’s turn as the Hobbit in denial.<br> Upon its release, Order of the Phoenix was hailed as Rowling’s move into a more adult look at the Potter saga. Raging teenage hormones (expressed with lots of SHOUTING IN CAPITAL LETTERS) and the series’ themes of death, identity, rejection and bigotry have all been used as evidence in favour of the adult-look Potter. However, what many have overlooked is the clear evidence right there in the novel showing a far more erogenous take on Potter and his chums. There are many such examples hiding in Order of the Phoenix, but for now here are a few gems that illustrate my point graphically, showing Potter, Malfoy, Dobby and even old man Dumbledore’s penchant for the erotic – be it woman, man or even animal. Don’t believe me? Read on…<br><br>“‘He came last night when you were in bed,’ said Mr Weasley.”<br><br>“’You think you’re such a big man, Potter, said Malfoy, advancing now. “You wait, I’ll have you.”<br><br>“Every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again.”<br><br>“’I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.’” (Dumbledore)<br><br>“’Dobby has used it sir,’ said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, ‘when Winky has been very drunk.’”<br><br>“Harry’s heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defence against external penetration?”<br><br>And finally…<br><br>“’Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wiggle out of very tight holes.’”<br><br>In addition, there is, of course, an infinite mine of quotes to be got from that most phallic of objects, the wand. But as they are so obvious I thought it best to leave them out.<br>(c) Deeyell - How arrogant!<br> <br clear="all" /> <p> <div class="time"> Posted by hero/deeyell at 7:57 PM BST <br /> Updated: Thursday, 15 April 2004 8:02 PM BST <br /> <a class="timeLink" href="javascript:add_comment('177852')">Post Comment</a> | <a href="" class="timeLink">Permalink</a> | <a class="timeLink" href="" onclick="javascript:share_this_page(this, ''); return false;">Share This Post</a> </div> </div> </div> <div class=""> <div class="entry"> <span class="title">The answer to every single thing you ever needed or wanted to know</span><br /> This is almost certainly never ever going to be read by anyone of consequence. In fact, if you're reading this you probably have a)too much time on your hands which allows you to browse random blogs or b)are actually me (hello). However, this could possibly be the start of something, if i can be bothered to accomplish it. Just think: you were the guy (or indeed girl - hi) WHO FOUND THE DEEYELL BLOG. Wow. Fame, internet notoriety. That's almost as good as money, if you look at it from a certain angle. So, anyway, it'd be good if you come to this site and watch it blossom, like bacteria. I profit, you profit. Everyone profits. And isn't that just swell, as rednecks say. <br clear="all" /> <p> <div class="time"> Posted by hero/deeyell at 5:01 PM BST <br /> <a class="timeLink" href="javascript:add_comment('177756')">Post Comment</a> | <a href="" class="timeLink">Permalink</a> | <a class="timeLink" href="" onclick="javascript:share_this_page(this, ''); return false;">Share This Post</a> </div> </div> </div> <p class="entry"> Newer | Latest | Older </p> </div> </body> </html>