NO. I choked AGAIN."
and gentlemen, depression can strike anyone at anytime. Even Chris Webber,
a millionaire basketball player who has had moderate success thanks to
being incredibly overrated, suffers from this horrible disease of the mind.
he shows his depression on a national stage, so concerned citizens such
as myself can conduct a scientific study based on his amazing sadness.
This study is underway, but before we reveal our results, here are our
is probably the best picture of C-Webb sadness that I have ever seen.
Undoubtedly the same hypocrite Arcoites who defend Webber when presented
with this site were booing their little lungs out at him at the time.
all you guys are full of shit. "OMG HE'S A MILLIONAIRE ATHLETE
Hopefully you've come to your senses and you're now willing to accept
this site as the seminal work of pure genius that it is. No threat
a Pulitzer, my ass.
here at the Chris Webber Sadness Institute believe this moment might
be the origin of Chris' woes. With the NCAA title on the line, Chris
obviously traveled, got away with it, then went down the floor, awkwardly
dribbled into a corner, and called a timeout. Too bad they were out
of timeouts, a technical foul was called on Michigan, North Carolina
won, and Chris was sad. Chris couldn't have known at the time that
the win wouldn't have counted anyway as a result of him taking money
while at school, so he was very sad about the incident.
we said, Chris was sad. Notice the frown. That's sad. Eric Montross,
pictured in the background, is an entirely different kind of sad, but
let's focus on Chris "C-Webb" Webber for now. Unfortunately, the small
image size doesn't reveal the tears of crushing defeat rolling down
his sad face.
blowing the game for his team in college, Chris made it to the NBA
based on his, uh, "talent". He played for some other teams, but now
he's a Sacramento King, as evidenced by the queer purple jerseys. Again,
notice the sadness in the face, the scruffy beard (inattention to hygiene
is a common depression symptom), and the "why is this happening to
Chris desperately tries to mask his depression, but he's not fooling
anyone. We can still see the pain. LET THE PAIN OUT, CHRIS.
in the NBA, Chris got the opportunity to play against players with
similar talent levels, like Shaquille O'Neal. Here, Chris is sad because
Shaq's lack of talent is winning out over Chris' lack of talent because
Shaq is bigger. Shaq offers a consolation hug - what a nice guy! But
Chris is clearly still upset.
Kings became a good regular season team, but success in the playoffs
eluded them. Not really surprising, because Chris was on their team.
Poor Sacramento fans. Wait, they're a bunch of idiots with cowbells
who somehow have respect for Doug Christie. But that's another page.
The Kings have suffered another crushing playoff defeat here, and Chris
Webber fights back tears on the sidelines since Rick "Coach of
Adelman yelled at him because he bricked 12 shots.
here shares his sadness with similarly sad teammates Mike "Phallus"
Bibby and Vlade "Malodorous" Divac. Chris is clearly the saddest of
the three, but obviously his losing attitude and general depression
have spread to his unsuspecting teammates. Guys, losing hurts, but
it's not everything! It's about going out there and giving it your
Hang in there!
Chris on the bench again, trying to mask his sadness under a towel.
One more time the clock runs out on another Kings playoff loss, this
time to the Dallas Mavericks, who seem to always get the best of Chris
Webber. Little known fact: the towel around Chris' head is his lucky
"tear towel" that he uses to mop up his salty discharge every game.
Who says successful athletes aren't superstitious? The second towel
is about to be "thrown in" as Chris realizes he has failed again and
the dominating Mavericks are too much for him and his sadness to handle.
Chris has managed to be successful at in his NBA career is getting
hurt. Most recently, he got hurt in Game 2 in their series against
the Dallas Mavericks. The Mavericks scored 83 points in the first half
(yes, that's a lot), but Chris' pride wasn't the only victim of the
rout. He hurt his knee for the 38th time of his career. Chris gets
injured a lot because it's a release from his prison of depression,
not necessarily because he's a pussy (although ruling out that factor
would be unwise).
I mention Chris Webber gets injured a lot? Interesting side note: both
players propping up Chris Webber in this photo left the team so they
wouldn't have to deal with Chris' sadness.
My knee hurts! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
mentioned earlier that Chris Webber took money at college, which isn't
really a good thing. Did I also mention that he lied to a grand jury
about it? Wow, Chris is a smart one! Maybe he's always depressed because
he's so stupid.
Smoking Gun has
some great info about what a lying, cheating piece of crap Chris is.
He'll get extra sad if you go read all about it.
Chris outside the courthouse where he was indicted by a grand jury
for perjury. Note how the usual sadness has been replaced by total
confusion. An interesting anomaly in our study on depression. He still
looks goofy, though!
a reporter makes Chris sad by asking him what possessed him to lie
to a grand jury. BEING A MARGINAL BASKETBALL PLAYER WHO GETS HURT A
LOT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ABOVE THE LAW, CHRIS. SHAME.
Webber's unique mix of melancholy and basketball has spawned quite
a few novelty toys in his honor. Unfortunately, the Chris Webber Lego-man
was a failure, as children across America cried as soon as they were
shown the toy. Experts weren't sure if they were upset over being given
a toy of such an overrated annoying player or whether the spirit of
Chris' sadness was actually spread through the toys. A complete recall
was issued regardless of the cause.
duck that looks like Chris Webber has as many college wins as the real
Japanese are a unique culture that do not disappoint us with their
take on Chris. For those of you who don't "hablo Japanese", Chris is
saying "I am crushed under the weight of my unmitigated sadness and
wish to fall onto my sword to achieve the honor of a true warrior."
He is shown as happy because the Japanese people have a sick sense
Webber on the bench again. Why the hell is he wearing a glove? Lifting
some weights, Chris? Fortunately, there's no "clutch" in working out,
so Chris enjoys it as one of his hobbies.
might be saying, "Maybe Chris is only sad on the court, just because
he's an overrated, always injured, never winning basketball superstar!
in his personal life!" Well, you're wrong, as this picture shows. Maybe
Chris is sad because he realizes that fur is murder, or maybe it's
still because he's a huge failure. What an animal!
our study eventually recommend? A lobotomy, pictured left, has certainly
been discussed as a potential remedy for what ails Chris. Or maybe
a brain transplant, also pictured left, could be the answer. With that
solution, Chris might give up his losing, lying, crying ways and his
depressed brain can be sold to science to search for a cure to depression.
That concludes our case study. Final words: GOD BLESS YOU CHRIS, KEEP
FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT! THE WORLD IS WITH YOU, AND WE ALL FEEL YOUR
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creator of this masterpiece