[Press Ctrl F to find the following.]

1. My Dear Mother

2. Vietnam

3. Disappearance

4. It burns...

5. The Time Has Come

6. You Ever...?

7. A Truly Wise Man Never Plays Leapfrog with a Unicorn

8. Origin of AIDS

9. Blood Stained Leaves

10. Where are they now?: Mario

11. Art

12. The Heart

13. Love is Like a Never Ending Nightmare

14. Humidity My Ass, It's Just Fucking Hot

15. Headers

1. My Dear Mother

My dear mother is one crazy ass bitch. Asian mothers are known for their
crazy ass bitchosity, but even other crazy asian bitch mothers would
agree that my dear mother's crazy bitchosity is off the bitch-o-meter.
I assure you, that takes a lot of bitch. Whenever I do something bad
she would beat me with chopsticks and break them, then beat me with a
bowl of stale rice, and then make me eat said bowl of rice with said
broken chopsticks. Once she beat me with a fucking soup laddle. Do you
know what we had later that night? We had fucking soup. What's with
this bitch and making me eat my punishments? Now that I look back, I
was a bit of a badass. To some extent, I did deserve my beatings. Maybe
that cow didn't really deserve to be set on fire. Oh well, shit does
happen, but then again I did cause a lot of that shit. I'm one of those
guys that can see when the shit hits the fan because I'm the one that
dropped it, plus I like the looks on the faces of people that happend
to be under the fan.

2. Vietnam

Vietnam is my home away from home. So when I say Vietnam is the equivalent to
Satan's asscrack, I mean it. Their idea of indoor plumbing is a bucket
strapped to the wall. Toilet paper is still in the testing phases. Do
you like sand? Well, tough shits you're getting sand. I hate it when
people mistaken Vietnamese people for Chinese. That is an insult to
Chinese people. We are the niggers of Asia, Cambodians are the Mexicans
of Asia. By the way, if you want to piss an Asian guy off just call him
a dirty Viet. Doesn't matter if they're actually Vietnamese or not. We
are not a very proud group of people. Vietnam is where my family
originated, but in the depths of my heart I seriously know you know
what I know, we suck.

3. Disappearance

It was early in the morning. I had just woken up. It was about 5:30 AM
when I heard it. At first it sounded like a humming in the back of my
head. Then it slowly got louder. What ever it was, it was getting
close. Soon the noise became overwhelming. All of sudden it just
stopped. Just like that. Boom! A bright light surrounded me. I was in
awe and I think I pissed myself. The light blinded me. I slowly
regained my sight. I had no feeling through out my entire body. I could
still move my head, just a little.  I looked around. I didn't recognize
the room. It seemed like I was  lying down on a table. I tried to look
up. I noticed something peculiar. When I saw it, I couldn't believe my
very own eyes. A large metallic structure was protruding from my ass. I
was in the middle of being fucking anally probed. I was not happy. My
mouth felt numb. I could not move my lips. I could not make a sound. In
my mind, all I could hear were my own futile screams for help. I tried
to calm down. Clear my mind. I tried looking around once more. I see
the hideous elongated shadows of my captors, but that was all I could
see. What felt like hours passed by. I wanted to feel like I had some
grasp on what was happening to me on that cold February morning. I
tried to find some meaningless task to distract my attention. I decide
to fart the tune to Funky Town. More time passes. At least an hour had
passed by, I had finish my ass whistling for the tenth time. There was
no sign of the probing to cease although the probe was getting a litte
brown around the edges. I wonder to myself, "Why would aliens travel
billions of light years to earth in order to look up my ass?" Suddenly
the room seemed to shake. The lights ferociously flicker on and off. I
knew this was not the work of my captors. I knew they were just as
frighten as I. I could smell fresh urine and this time it wasn't me,
for the most part. Silence. I hear footsteps. They seem different from
my captors. They seem more human. More.......Jewish. I hear a flurry of
gunshots. Sharp ear piercing screeches. Then dead silence. I hear a
voice coming from where the gunshots originated. It said, "And what
bitches!" Then silence. Perhaps the silence frightens me the most. Not
knowing what will happen next. Footsteps. They were coming closer,
closer. Yet again, silence. Just when I was becoming accustomed to this
constantly fleeting silence I felt a shock running through my whole
body. I could move. I look around. I see the mangled remains of what I
believe to be my captors. I turn around to look into the eyes of my
savior. I could not believe it. It was Moses with a M-16 semi-automatic
assault rifle. Moses explained to me that he too was abducted, but used
his Jesusesque powers to subdue them. Ironically, outside I see Jesus
popping a wheelie in a saucer like vehicle. I thought to myself, "What
the fuck haven't I been smoking?" Suddenly all is dark. I awake in a
cold sweat. I look around. I was home in my bed. I look at the clock,
it was 5:31 AM. Could this have all been just dream. If so, why was my
ass bleeding and a dollar bill pinned to the back of my shirt. Should I
just I forget what had happened and accept it as just another one of my
meaningless dreams or should I dig deeper into the matter and hope I
can find some kind of clue to what had really happend. Will my
questions someday be answered or will I just blindly wander down the
mysterious road of life? I wonder if there's any good porn on. By the
way, every time I take a shit my TV turns on.

4. It burns...

It burns when I pee.
When I urinate flames come shooting out from my penis
When I masturbate I get third degree burns.
When I have wet dreams I wake up in a pool of molten lava.
When I have sex I think I am looking into the face of God because I see a burning bush.
When I sneeze a dark cloud of ash comes flying out of my pants.
When other guys talk about their meat logs I think about my fiery heat rod of doom.

I have great balls of fire and yet I am not happy because you see........
It really burns when I make a pee pee : (

5. The Time Has Come
    
It is time to take over the world. One by one each country will fall
under my control. I shall shape the very world under my own image. The
first to fall is Canada. There is only about twenty guys there and a
third of them are probably on the crapper. I could jump the entire
country of Canada on a three day weekend. The only threat would be
polar bears. They have always been a thorn on my backside. I will give
them Quebec and call it even, but of course I could use their services.
Next I will send my polar bear army to Mexico. Even the Mexicans don't
want Mexico, but I will take it off their hands just so I have place to
urinate on when I'm shit faced. The most important step is to send my
bean filled polar bears into The United States of America. No one would
expect an invasion of such rediculous proportions.

President: "Oh no it's an army of polar bears. What are we going to do? What are we going to do!?"

Secretary of State: "How the fuck should I know? It's a fucking army of fucking polar bears. Run nigga! Run!"

Stephen Colbert: "I told you so."
    
Once I have North America no one is safe. My rediculously rediculous
rule shall begin. The first thing I will do is abolish all religions.
Religion is an outdated and stupid concept. It will be replaced by
cheese. If I catch you talking about Jesus I will beat your mother with
a block of cheese. Swiss bitch! Next I will eliminate old people. Once
someone has reached the age of sixty one then they will have to fight
for their lives. The old person in question will be trapped in a
stadium with two fucking cougars. The old person will be supplied with
one pistol and one bullet. The trick is you first shoot one fucking
cougar and then take that fucking cougar and beat the other fucking
cougar to death with the previously dead fucking cougar. I wish the
cougars luck. Then I will change the name of Uranus. Its new name will
be Myhugeasshole. Try making a joke out of that. Next I would go to a
Hilary Duff concert. I want to see why her popularity stretches so far.
In the most likely case I will take a spoon and then shove it up my
ass. You are probably wondering why I shoved a spoon up my own ass.
Well if I have to suffer this much I want to it to be done by my own
hands. Opera calls that empowerment. One of my more wrathful proposals
involve creating a super virus made out of SARS and AIDS. I shall call
it ShARAIDS. Mimes are especially prone to this new disease although
cripples seem to have an immunity.

6. Have You Ever...?

Have you ever farted so hard your ass went numb? Have you ever farted
so hard my ass went numb? Have you ever farted so hard on a cold day
that it looked like smoke signals were coming out of your ass? Have you
ever farted so hard you shit yourself? Have you ever farted so hard you
punched a hole in the ozone layer and then blamed it on the dog? Have
you ever farted so hard that you just walked up to some random guy and
said "Hey, I just farted so hard I'm telling you about it." Have you
ever farted so hard so many times that you just wrote a whole paragraph
on farting so hard? Actions do speak louder than words. That's why I
just farted.

7. A Truly Wise Man Never Plays Leapfrog with a Unicorn

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. The unicorn will
always win and losing isn't fun. When you lose you will probably end up
with crushed nuts and crushed nuts isn't fun. If you do somehow manage
to win then you will probably end up with a severed spine and maybe
even a face full of unicorn ass and severed spines and face full of
unicorn ass isn't fun. Now that I think about, if you start seeing
unicorns and actually start interacting with them then you are probably
already in some deep doo doo and deep doo doo isn't fun.

8. Origin of AIDS

One day I was talking to my friends about fucking monkeys. I was
wondering why not fuck monkeys if they are so similar to us and I
wondered if a human could get one pregnant. Then I thought about what
my teacher told me about AIDS a couple of years ago. Apparently AIDS
came from a monkey in Africa and an airplane
pilot caught it and brought it back here and fucked a guy and that guy
fucked another guy and then that guy was indinile about being gay and
fucked a girl and that girl fucked twenty five percent of the world's
population and here we are now. I was wondering how the fuck did a
human airplane pilot get AIDS from a monkey. Did he go to Africa and
thought to himself, "Damn, I have an urge to fuck some monkey." and
straight up raped a monkey. That's not something you can turn away
from. Did he somehow get lost in the jungle and a monkey just happened
to be jerking off and the pilot got spewed on and decided to rub some
on his crotch. Is this all science has found out so far? So a sick
mother fucker fucked a monkey and we are now all screwed. Remember
kids, get your monkeys checked first then you can go fuck them. Ain't
nothing like monkey in the morning.

9. Blood Stained Leaves

A long time ago, before Pamela Anderson's boobs eclipsed the Sun for the
first time, there were two islands. On one island white bears lived. On
the other black bears lived. There was peace. However the peace was
broken when ideas of greed and lust emerged from the dirty minds of the
white bears. The white bears wanted money to help fulfill their sinful
dreams by any means necessary. The white bears came up with the idea of
growing large quantities of their beautiful trees and sell them in mass
quantities. The white bears needed cheap and inexpensive labor to make
the largest possible profit margins possible. They all decided on
enslaving the black bears and shipping them off to "fun farms" to grow
their trees. The white bears sailed to the black bear island and bought
several black bear slaves from other blacks. Disobedient black bears
were repetively whipped if they did not work. These whips would make a
cracking sound so thous on the white bears were known as crackers. The
black bears also had a fun nickname, but I can't say it because of
today's lingering racial inequalities due to the white bears
cowardness. If a black bear were to run away then the white bear would
have the black bear's leg blown off with a shotgun so they could no
longer run, but still work. On occassion the black bears were raped
creating brown bears. These brown bears would be treated as extra
labor. Soon the idea of revolt was implanted into the minds of the
black bears. Several revolutionaries emerged. Malcolm Bear X wanted to
payback his opressors by blowing off their faces and eating their
children. However, Martin Luther Bear King Jr. wanted to, for the first
time, live peacefully with the white bears. Ultimately the black bear's
natural violent instincts won out and streets were drenched with the
blood of whites everywhere. "Fun farms" were usually occupied by a
slave owner, his family, and hundreds of black bears. The black bears
slaughtered every white bear in sight with farm tools and any firearm
they could find. The air was ripe with blood. Any remaining white bear
fled to the colder climate regions where no black bear would follow.
The white bears knew that the black bears hated the cold. That is why
they never win the in Winter Bear Olympics. The black bear rebellion
settled down and the black bears could now rebuild. The black bears
ironically settled down in the areas where they were once abused and
exploited. The white bears and the black bears can now finally live
side by side with the barrier called segregation. The black bears never
went back to their home land because frankly it sucks.

"This Story was brought to you by Bear Lite and Viagribear. This Winter you have a reason to stay up. Awwwwww Yeah."

10. Where are they now?: Mario

Mario was always the childrens hero for decades until it happened. The
story of Mario's fall to shame will finally be told. One day Mario
received a piece of horrific mail. It was a lawsuit from P.E.T.A. Mario
was being sued for jumping over 1,000,000,000 turtles and stealing
their coins. Luigi, Yoshi, Peach, and Daisy will also be tried as
accomplices. They lost the case though it was to be expected seeing as
how their lawyer was a walking mushroom named Toad. Countless golden
coins were confiscated to payoff the turtles' families. The Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles had recently charged Mario for individually
molesting them, their case is still pending. Peach and Daisy had to
become hookers to pay off the remaining debt, but became addicted to
crack and various pills and cut ties from the Mario brothers. Yoshi was
confiscated and taken away by P.E.T.A. They tried to teach him to eat
tofu, but Yoshi couldn't take it and jumped out of a window, but fell
on a trampoline and bounced back into P.E.T.A. headquarters. Yoshi has
not been seen again since. Luigi became addicted to twinkies and
heroine to try and take away the pain and now resembled the Empire
State building, but lumpier. He tried to jump into a warp pipe to get
to a local Wendy's two blocks away, but unfortunately got stuck and
died from suffocation. Mario became an alcoholic and tried to hang
himself, but the police came before he could. Mario was charged for
possession of shrooms and attempted suicide. On further inspection of
Mario's so called super mushrooms police found something interesting.
The mushrooms were traced back to the jungles of Niger. The mushrooms
were found to have traces of cocaine, Viagra, monkey urine, and soy
sauce. Now thats a spicy meatball. Mario was last seen in front of a
local 7 11 talking to himself. He had given some quotes before he left.
"P.E.T.A. can **** it. He was asked him if it was all worth it. He
replied "Your mother." We ended up holding him down and rubbing Icy Hot
on his testicles. By the end of the day he had four broken ribs, a
shattered pelvis, and a severely sore anus. No one talks smack about
our mothers.

11. Art

Art enthusiasts usually find a way to interpret a seemingly simple
piece of art into something meaningful and profound, but is there
something as over-interpretation? A picture of a stick figure with
a boner could probably be translated to something around the lines of
the meaning of life. The stick figure might represent a person yet to
live and shape their life and the boner might represent a life yet to
be even created or it's a stick figure with a boner. The aritist may
may a subtle philosopher or he might suck at art in general and may be
a bit of a dick himself. Who knows? I'm just saying that it is so much
easier if he's just a dick.

I call it "Damn, This is Hard."

12. The Heart

The heart is symbol of love, but if you turn it upside down..............

Nutsack.No wonder the heart is a sign of love. Can't show your man more love than to play with his balls. A true Hallmark moment.

"Enhanced Visual"

13. Love is Like a Never Ending Nightmare

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and vampiric zombie clown is the sun.

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us...and vampiric zombie clowns.

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will
never understand what pain really is until you have lost it and when a
vampiric zombie clown sucker punches you in the face.

I love thee, I love but thee with a love that shall not die till the sun grows
cold and the stars grow old and my face is eaten away by vampiric
zombie clowns.

Together forever and never apart. Maybe in
distance, but never in heart. A part of you has grown in me. And so you
see, it's you and me.... and by the way im a vampiric
zombie........clown.

Even as I close my eyes all I could ever see is you......and vampiric zombie clowns. Freaking vampiric zombie clowns.

Hit me baby one more time, at least before the vampiric zombie clown does.

14. Humidity My Ass, It's Just Fucking Hot

You know it's no longer the humidity and just the heat...

when you can no longer create a complete thought and your greetings become, "Hi there, how's your; holy fuck it's hot."

when you can fry an egg on a block of ice.

when ice coffee becomes hot coffee and hot coffee becomes 8 fl oz of instant retardation.

when squirrels start melting off of trees.

when instead of saying, "I wasn't having sex with the freezer, the freezer
was having sex with me." you can just say, "Fucking right I am."

when "cooking your meat" refers to the act of sitting on a metal bench with shorts on.

when extremist emo middle schoolers shove spoons up their own asses because
they believe that if they have to suffer this much it would be by their
own hands.

when I have to take off all my clothes in order to
peacefully take a dump. (I've been told that apparently I'm not the
only one either.)

15. Headers

A picture can say a thousand words, especially a picture of a dictionary.

I always find it interesting that when I tell people I lit a toilet on fire, the first question that comes out of their mouth is how did I do it and not why I had done it.

There's an icebox where my heart use to be. Its where I keep my sodas.

What lies behind me and what lies in front of me doesn't matter as long as you're by my side and I have a gun.

As the days quickly come and go my heart has yet to beat since the
first moment my eyes laid upon you. I hold my breath till the day I
know you feel the same. Damn, I'm putting that shit on myspace

Sometimes life is more than just about living. Ocassionally you need to pee in a few sinks.

I hear voices in my head, but they're speaking Spanish so I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

I know you're reading this. You know curiosity didn't kill the cat, it twas me. That furry bastard had it coming.

Redbull gave me wings and kidney stones. I pee blood.

I'm probably better off not putting my finger in its butthole, but where's the fun in that.

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you
live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell
him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from
your soul that is present in humanity because a rib woman was convinced
by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.... yup, that basically
sums up Christianity.

God gave men ears so they know if they missed.

I love democracy, in theory. Democracy is suppose to be a government
where the people have a say, but what the people say is decided by
political parties, politicians, and by a few good speeches. People
would jump up their own asses if someone made it sound good enough.
When something goes wrong, no one accepts responsibility and blames it
on any scapegoat they can find. At least with a dictatorship you know
who to blame when the shit hits the fan, the dude with the beaver on
his lip. When shit happens, blame the beaver.

If we can send a man to the moon then we can send a man with AIDS on the moon. Then we can send everybody with AIDS on the moon.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, "God damn my balls are fucking hairy!"

God kills a kitten everytime I masturbate. That's why I'm employee of the
month down at the pound. Eight more and I get a T-shirt. I'm puttin my
self through college one bottle of vaseline at a time.

If I were a little tea pot, short and stout, then I would probably sell car insurance to crack heads.

If Jesus were my sheperd then I would take a doo doo in his sandle.

So I met this weird guy last week and some how we ended up fighting over
who had the more fucked up life. I said I did and then he raped me.
Then I tipped him. I am a very competitive person.

Dreams give people a reason to live, but once they become true, they become
reality, and are no longer dreams. That's why my dream is to become the
first white  man to play in the Negroe Leagues. Now all I have left to
do is reinstitute the Negroe League and become white.

In our ever endless world I believe that there is always that one special
person for all of us because there will always be that one wierd dude
that will have sex with the fat chick.

I don't care what people say, gay people can be manly too. Especially gay women.

Curiosity killed the cat and heart worms killed the dog. The animal kingdom is so cruel. 

Puberty is a rough time for all kids. Good bye cooties, hello herpes.

No love, no glove. I meant what I said.

We have a saying here in New England. "If you don't like the weather wait
five minutes and stop being such a little bitch." We need new sayings.

Silly rabbit, gays aren't people. They are nature's cruel punchlines.

I am really getting tired of people complaining about global warming.
Hell, I want global warming. It's fucking cold. I can't wait until I
can fry an egg on a block of ice.

One day I will become a ninja and call myself STD BOY because I strike without warning.

How can there be common sense if sense was never common? That's right. I just called you a retard.

I was never dropped on my head when I was a child, but I was repetively beaten with a bowl of stale rice.

I hope that someday the Spanish channel will have English subtitles so
that I can finally understand what I have been laughing at for all this
time.

Nothing is impossible except R. Kelly having sex with Happy the Nonsexually Driven Gay Dragon.

I hate those "three words" that changes a relationship forever. Those three words are "I have gas."

If I got a nickel for every time I talked about shitting myself I would have a shit load of nickels.

When I go to a sleep over, I like to wait until everyone's asleep, put there
hands in warm water, and pee on them. I don't get invited to many sleep
overs. I would get mad too if I woke up with my hand in a cup of water. 

It takes a real man to wear pink, but it also takes a real man to take a six inch piece of hot man flesh  in the ass. 

You know you have a drinking problem when you wet your bed. I don't mean
going to sleep and then just pissing yourself, I mean you are standing
over your bed with your pants down to your ankles just letting it loose.

I don't get how people can be killed by killer bees. I mean I can get
killer horses because they're jumping around and kicking and shit.

I hate random serial killers. The number one reason is probably because I
am the most random person I know. During a funeral I will just ask
somebody if they ever tried to pick their nose with a tampon. My
question is what kind of razor do you use to shave your crotch? I just
use what ever my sister has around. Man it itches. I fucking hate
mosquitoes, but it hurts so good.

Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss, and diarrhea is always a bitch.

Live life to the fullest. You only live once. Just try not to make an ass of yourself.

Lets have a toothpaste eating contest. Last one who dies gets to call 911.

You can win or I'll fuck you up. Do your best or I'll fuck you up. You can
do it or I'll fuck you up. Oh yeah, have fun or I'll fuck you up. Pep
talk of the year.

My sister farted on my foot five times with extreme prejudice. You'd think
I would get the message after #3. I was lucky I couldn't smell
anything, but I did have a fishy after taste in my mouth. I don't know
if I should be glad, brush my teeth, or take a dump in her purse.

I am not racist. I hate each and every single person equally. If you're
gay or retarded then I would feel sorry for you, but I hate your guts..

Fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay.

Fighting over religion is like fighting over who has the better imaginary friend.

If you can't beat them shoot them in the leg and run like hell.

If Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore why does she smell like hard liquor and week old urine?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how long will it take to annihilate mankind as we know it?

Save the trees. Wipe your ass with pigeons.

I'm going to change my name to Off Constantly so if someone ever beats me
in something they can go tell their friends they beat Off Constantly.

What doesn't kill me will by probability hurt like a bitch.