Eating Buscemi
The city of Hohenwald is host to a multicultural population, if you consider the redneck inhabitants of either side of the Tenessee River cultural in any way, but even in this myopia od mediocrity, there is a Middle Eastern community (is there?). In a small section of this so-called city, a small Arabic community has grown, and here you can find very authentic Middle Eastern food.
This is where we are today, and where we find two very authentic Middle Eastern men, Babboo and his master, the newly crowned Tenesee Heavyweight Champion, El Qasr Sahli Casbah...
El
Qasr: Babboo! Where are you Babboo!? Bring me some more yak cheese Babboo!
Babboo: Faster then a cheetah, oh great Prince of all he Circumcises!
The "Man from Taliban" is sitting in an authentic Middle Eastern restaurant, eating his favorite food.
El Qasr: Goats milk, olives, pita bread, shwarma, babaganoush, humus, and tabouli! What a feast, and we have not even gotten to the best part yet! Oh babboo, I love doing Middle Eastern, don't you!?
Babboo: Whatever
you say oh great Shiek of Shishkabob!
El Qasr: Wait! Wait! Babboo! Stoke up the hookah pipe! Let me take a deep drag of that Arabic tobacco, so unlike the cheap, filthy, disgusting cigarettes the American people smoke!
Babboo: At once my master!
Babboo hooks up a hookah pipe and El Qasr starts to toke on the mother.
El Qasr: Ah yes! So smooth, so strong. I am not like these wusy Americans, smoking low grade tobacco with filters. I smoke strong, manly tobacco from a pipe, with class and style. I am not some filthy secretary, or businessman, rushing out for their coffeebreak to puff on a little flimsy cigarette like a crack addict outside of their office building. I have class. I have dignity. I even smoke like a dignitary. You Americans are so crass and clueless, you are all so beneath me and the Muslim peoples! You all sit there and smoke your nasty little Marlboro Lights and Newports, your lips pouting like little rectums... you all look so stupid! HA HA HA! You pathetic little Shi'ites cannot do anything right!
El Qasr takes another hit from the hookah, as Babboo starts clearing off the dinner table and then starts bringing in more food. He puts three very strange looking dishes on the table and then waks out of the picture.
El Qasr: And if there is something else the Arabic peoples do better then the Americans, it is eat! Pizza? Hamburgers? WAFFLES???
Babboo: Ha ha! Garbage oh great Caliph of Calzones!
El Qasr: Rat stew! Camel chow! The Arabic peoples don't eat that dog ofal! We eat real food, food of the gods! Ambrosia! Food that only real men and women can eat... like... SHEEP EYES!
El
Qasr reaches down and grabs a sheep eye and pops it in his mouth.
El Qasr: Mmmm, so good! Ha ha ha! Now, now I have the power! The power of the sheeps eyes!
Babboo: The power of the sheeps eyes?!
El Qasr: I see green grass and little lambs... bah! Bah!
Babboo: Wha... what is happening to you oh great one?
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! Give me grass to eat!
Babboo: Oh Allah, what has happened to my master?
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! I want to watch a Britanny Spears video! Bah bah! I want to eat burritos and drink CokieCola!
Babboo: Great Muhamed and Allah-Akba! My master has been cursed by a spoiled sheep eye! He has been ensorcelled by a djinn!
El Qasr: Bah! Bah! I want to get my hair done at SuperCuts! Bah! I want to drive a SUV!
Babboo: Call the mosque! Get the Shah of Iran on the phone! The great El Qasr Sahli Casb--
El Qasr: Ha ha ha! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! Babboo, is it any wonder you are the servant and I am the master?
Babboo: Wha... who... where?
El Qasr: I was making a point you camel-toed yak milker! Point number one, I am evil... EVIL!!! AHAHAHAHA! Andpoint number two, Americans are stupid! Sheep! Have you not a brain in that neutered head of yours? Don't you realize what I mean is that all Americans are dull, unintelligent buffoons that cannot think for themselves, while our peoples, the Muslim peoples, are smarter then they are?
Babboo: I could not dare to assume that I have half the intelligence of the Pasha of Private School oh great Casbah.
El Qasr: Shut up and go away little man. Let me get back to my dinner here with my next juicy, delectable dish... GOAT HEAD!
Casbah
starts to pick at the goats ears, cuts off the nose and chews on it, grabs
the tongue and dips it into some soy sauce and eats that too.
El Qasr: Mmmm, so delicious! Food fit for a real man, not a little weak man. Speaking of which, I am looking right at this...
El Qasr slams the TWF Tenessee Heavyweight Championship on the table right next to the goat head. The goat seems to be looking at the title in awe, as of course is everyone in Tenessee.
El Qasr: AHAHAHAHA! The people of America must be pissing in their hernia supporters! George Washington is turning in his grave! AHAHAHAHA! Elvis just choked on a chicken bone in hell!!!! AHAHAHAHA! El Qasr Sahli Casbah is the Tenessee Heavyweight Champion!!! HA HA HA! HALLAH!
El Qasr puts two sheep eyes where his eyes are and holds them there by crinkling up his face. This magnificent feat of Muslim superiority is made even more amazing as Casbah taunts America with a couple of dead sheep eyes stuck to his face....
El Qasr: America! Nya nya nya! I am the new Tenessee Heavyweight Champion! I put a beating on your American hero and incontinence sufferer, HIM, to prove to the world that the Muslims people will always find a way! Ha ha ha! Look deep into my unblinking eyes you American buttocks washers, and feel the inferiority of your worthles selves as I defeat you in a staring contest of the ages! HA HA HA! I can SEE you America, and I SEE you are all a pack of girdle-wearing diabetics!
The eyes fall out of casbah's head.
El Qasr: AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!
Qasr laughs and spits out about half the goat head he is eating, he can hardly contain himself. Finally, after hacking up about 2/3rds of a goat ear all over the Tenessee Title, he stops and starts waving to Babboo.
El Qasr: Babboo! Take this goat's head away! I look at it and I see HIM.
Babboo: Who?
El Qasr: HIM, I see HIM, and I don't ever want to see HIM again.
Babboo: Who is that oh cryptic Caliph of Blues Clues?
El Qasr: HIM!!! HIM!! You babboon-biter! HIM! The man whom I defeated for the Tenessee Heavyweight Championship! HIM!
Babboo: Oh!
l Qasr: You sand maggot! Now take this goat head away from me, it reminds me of HIM, that insolent little face in front of me. Take the goat head away before I fling it across the room and let my cat Abdullah use it for a litter box!
Babboo: I will take it away and defecate on it like you will raunch all over Rich Tapestry and The Saint when you face them at TWF Wednesday Night!
El Qasr: NO! It is still a good goat head and does not deserve that sort of treatement. Rich Tapestry and The Saint however, will get a faceful of digested humus very soon. Now, on with the final dish... BRAINS!
El
Qasr pulls a plate full of brains in front of him, grabs the brain with
his hands, looks at it like he is looking at a bus-full of Jews, and then
slams it into his mouth. Brains start oozing dow the side of his face
in the most disgutsing display since Dan Sweney
took off his shirt in public.
El Qasr: Oh yes! So good! Brains! Does this look like a Big Mac to you you wussy little American beggars? The Muslim people are harder, stronger, and more sick and disgusting then you can ever be! And we will do anything it takes to win this Holy War, this Jihad, against the evil United States of America and its satanic governmet! HALLAH! And the first step, it was HUMONGOUS! No, not the bombing of the USS Cole, not the destruction of the Pentagon, or the utter obliteration of the World Trade center... the mighty blow fell the day El Qasr Sahli Casah won the TWF tenessee Heavyweight Championsip!!! HA HA HA! HALLAH!
Casbah spits up a bunch of brains as he calls out a war cry.
El Qasr: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HACHACHACHACHACHACHA! ARIBA ARIBA! ANDALE! ANDALE!
Casbah slams more brains in his mouth and chews on them like mad rabid dog.
El Qasr: Mwaahaahaa! Let this be like a metaphor for what is going to happen at the next wrestling night! Do you idiotic Americans even know what a metaphor is? I will tell you you farkin bastiches! It means I will feast on the brain of that puss filled camel vagina Rich Tapestry! It means I will beat The Saint so badly and visciously he will have to wear special Dr. Scholl suede retarded shoes for the rest of his life!
El Qasr starts to get real crazy, really out of control...
El Qasr: I will eat his Shi'ite filled orifice of a brain like so much babaganoush! I will slice his head off and make a gyro out of it, with his brain juice as the white sauce! I will rip out his eye balls and skull fark him with a Taliban turban wrapped around my cobra-kahn! I will smear his mother's juice all over his face and then set a pack of wild jackals to feast on his tongue! I will ma-- BRAAAAH!
Casbah starts to throw up!
El Qasr: BRAH BRAH BRAH! Bu-- Bu-- Bu-- BRAH!
Chewed up sheep brains, partly digested goat head, and an eyeball go spilling out onto the floor.
El Qasr: Oh.. oh great Allah I feel like camel poopie! Rich Tapestry... The Saint... you pathetic cork sucking bastiches! Look what you made me do! Thinking about you miserable little arseholes has made me vomit up all this good food!
I will get you for this Rich Tapestry! I will destroy you for this Saint! I will deny you BOTH the satisfaction of winning the TWF Tenessee Heavyweight Championship, and next week I will show the American people my terrible table manners once again! And I will use the Tenessee title for a napkin, as I wipe your bloody asses dry with its historic gold!!
Babboo comes back into the dining hall.
Babboo: Master I... oh great turban of life! What happened master!?
El Qasr: I was enjoying my food when I started talking about Rich Tapestry and The Saint and then I--
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
El Qasr: BLAH! BLURG! Bu-- bu-- bu-- BLUBBERBLAH!
Babboo: Oh my! I am so sick! Rich Tapestry, you farking dingo lover! You are such a farking bastiche!
El Qasr: It was The Saint more then Tapestry... I don't know which... they BOTH make me want to hurl like an American super model! They will not get away with this Babboo!
Rich Tapestry... The Saint... you will both lose to me! I have Allah behind me! I have the Muslims people behind me! I have the entire Palestinian suicide bomb squad behind me! And not behind me in a gay way, like Dan Sweeney the dirty Jew, but in a manly way!
The American people are weak and stupid, just like you both! While you eat McDonald's Happy Meals in a parking lot somewhere, I am sitting here in this lovely restaurant eating goats brains, sheep eyes, and cow heads... now you tell me you bastiches, who is stupider???
Tapestry and Saint, you know why you made me throw up? Because you are both a stinking vagina, that is why. You are the smelliest vagina I have ever smelt, and I have smelt camel vagina, and that is some smelly vagina! And let me tell you another thing vagina-boys. The Arabic people have a saying. "A good vagina is a smelly vagina. It makes the penis throw up!" Well you listen to that my friends and you listen well, because you are just that, a smelly vagina! And me, I am the penis and I threw up. Now you are just a smelly vagina, and even though in the saying, that is a good thing, believe me, that is not. And me, I am the penis, and I blew chunks. But being a penis is much better then being a smelly vagina!!!
Babboo: You tell him oh eleoquent one, you have a way with words!
El Qasr: TWF Wednesday Night! Rich Tapestry! The Saint! I am coming! And I am bringing the TWF Tenessee Heavyweight Title, and my smelly vagina with me!
Babboo: Wait... that does not sound right oh great master of the sand monkeys...
El Qasr: Shut up and do not correct me you sniveling gobin!
Suddenly, the door to the quaint little Middle Eastern restaurant opens, and a man walks in. He looks familiar.
Steve Buscemi: Man, I love authentic Indian food, like samosas and... OH SHIT! Whats that fucking smell???
El Qasr:
This isn't Indian food you farking bastiche! We don't worship cows!
Steve Buscemi: Smells like a farking vagina in here! What's that on the floor? Digested sheep brains, goats head, and an eyeball? Aww man! BLAAAAAAAH! BLARG! BLARG! BLAAH! BLARGERBAH!
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
El Qasr: AH HA HA HA! You weak little American wussy! You hacked a hairball! Ha ha ha! You weak willed putrid camel farkers don't have the sto--- the sto--- the sto-- BLAAAAAH! BLARG! BLABBERBLARG!
Steve Buscemi: BLAAAAAAAH! BLARG! BLARG! BLAAH! BLARGERBAH!
Babboo: BLAH! BLARGH! BLARGH! BLURGH!
Fade...
El Qasr Sahli Casbah
Don't you hate sand? It gets everywhere!