Drifting
Off
Elf
I can’t explain it and I can’t justify it. My heart is torn in two completely opposite directions by forces I can’t control…forces that control me…and I want no part of that control. I had hoped we could have gone off and lived our lives in peace together, growing to a ripe old age and eventually departing from this world, heart in heart, but apparently this can’t happen and I’m left stranded on my own high pedestal of pride, unwilling to admit that I was wrong and this was my fault. Taking these pills continuously isn’t going to change that fact that you love me no longer for what I am…what I’ve done. My arm hurts from where I’ve injected the needle so many times, but I can’t help it. I can’t bear to do this to myself because of you, but I can’t bear to have the intense pain in my heart, either. Another pill. Half of the container is gone and spilled over because of my shaking hands. I need another way…but I can’t because of you. I will not destroy myself anymore just for you. You light up my life, but now you’re gone…the pain’s unbearable and I have to break my continuous promise of quitting the pills…the injections…the slow suicide. Funny…it was always I, you said, that you could rely on – the calm and sensible one. I’m not the man you thought I was…. I feel dizzy, sick, like throwing up. My mind wants more, but I don’t think my body can take more. My mind wins again, driven by my painful emotions. Emotions I cannot readily express. I’ve silenced them and lived my days, showing no trace of this path of destruction. You were the only one who found out…so that’s why you left I just know it. You say its because you can’t bear to see me slowly kill myself like this, but I know it’s because you can’t stand to love a drug addict. My legs give out and I feel myself falling, crumpled on the floor like some kind of puppet. I think this time I’ve taken too many pills and it seems I can feel myself drifting off. My heart aches, but I still love you, even though you love me no longer. I can’t stand to live like this anymore, but if I had told you I loved you one more time…I think, in my mind, that would have made all the difference.
~Owari~
