You have got to be fucking kidding me!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Absolutely nothing - silence is king
I will never understand for the life of me the way people make their decisions!

People say one thing - do another.
People say they want one thing - and go for another.
People say they love one thing - and then treat it less than enthusiastically
People say they care - then walk (or usually run) the other direction.
People say they know whats best for them - but remain around those things they admit are not.
People say they understand - but then show they don't.
People say they care - and then promptly display the opposite.

People say they won't hurt you - but always do.


Why do we even bother with anything? Somebody please tell me what the point is of all this. All the qualities that people say are special, important and true, and the very qualities that people despise and avoid at all costs.

I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I acknowledge that I am not a person I would like if I was a woman, nor that I would want to "hang" with if I was a friend.

But you know, I at least give 100% in relationships, be they friendships or otherwise . . . . no I don't. what the fuck am I saying. thats a load of crap.

Lets face it, I am the modern day Job, and thats just the way it is.

Guess I should just accept it, and at least accept the fact that I'm going to be taking it up the ass for quite some time and am one of those people that are chosen not to be happy, or to be able to finally love themselves.

Perhaps now that I've admitted that I'll at least get a reach around.

No air up there
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Prince - Get Off
Last night I figured out why my house was so hot and it was running over 90 degrees upstairs - my air condishioning had frozen over!! I'm talking about ice on the outside and about a half-foot square chunk of ice on the INSIDE of the unit. I was so mad. The house started to overheat all around, needless to say so did I. I got irratable and still am a bit. didn't sleep worth anything last night and thus am trying to stay positive for the day.

I shut the air off and the ice has melted and has cooled off a bit. Gonna shut it off when I leave, but I am worried about my two cats too. I don't want them to overheat. Hopefully my landlord will be up here to check things out.

I never realized how irritable I could get until this moment, I mean I am actually aware of how pissy and grumpy I am. hopefully it won't last long and God will help me get in a better mood. I need to keep working on school stuff so that I don't get behind, which will definitely help my mood - doing good in school really keeps me motivated. Plus I am really looking forward to the next few days and the weekend as I will hopefully destress and have a wonderful time.

Anyway, off to eat a late breakfast and try to stay cool. More later.

Inspiration or sadness?
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Ghetto Superstar - Mya
I just got done listening to the song I am about to list the lyrics to. It is from a movie that was pretty much trashed on, but me like always, can always find something redeeming in ANY movie (with of course the exception of Kung Pow). anyway, this song is sung at the end of the movie after a rock star goes from nothing to the top of the world, and then discovers reality back on earth,and his happiness finds him. I thought I would share the lyrics. Read and think about them.


Colorful
The Verve Pipe
(Rockstar)

The show is over close the storybook
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well there reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortaunte
Because I know you'll love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when you are awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortaunte
Because I know you'll love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see
We'll live in drama, but we'll die in a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortaunte
Because I know you'll love me either way

From the ashes
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Beginning of life . . .
I just created this blog, hoping that it ould provide for me an outlet to think, to create, to reinvent my life. So much has happened throughout the years, so many things. It is hard to think about them all, but some day I should deinitely write a book about it.

I swore I would never, never do one of these things, believing that they were meant to receive pity from everyone that reads them, or false support meant to bolster your decisions whether they be right or wrong. But for some reason this morning I felt the urge after reading the blog of someone I consider very special and very close to. Perhaps I will never tell anyone about this, perhaps one day someone will randomly stumble onto this and then tell everyone in the world about "this wild blog I read today". Perhaps I will tell a few people about this, hoping that I can get some sincere commentary. Regardless I am doing this, and I hope that God makes this something that helps the Pheonix rise from the ashes once again, this time to soar above the clouds.

Yes, I know I spelled pheonix wrong, but that is a story for another day.