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Notes:

This story is part of an on-going arc called 'Behind the War', it is NOT neccessary that you have read any of the other fics as each is a standalone fic, in fact they can be read in any order.

I don’t know how long it took before Duo spotted Trowa in the circus after he’d been missing, I know it was after Heero and Quatre returned to space from Sanc though, so it may be longer or shorter in this story and I don't know how long after that Trowa piloted Wing Zero.

Indicates:

//Flashbacks//
~* Dream *~
“Speech”
‘Thought’
~Italics~

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Space is a cold empty void that can be terrifying to many people, but it’s even more terrifying when that void is inside your own mind; when you can’t stop yourself from shivering no matter how many blankets you wrap yourself in. The source of that chill, that emptiness, can’t be touched by sunlight or eased by the warmest blanket, because it comes from within you.

The tall, slim, green-eyed young man had felt that void ever since he woke up in the hospital on one of the L3 colonies and told the doctors he didn’t know his name, but that he could remember feeding lions and he remembered a girl named Cathy. When asked about the OZ space suit he had been wearing when he was found drifting unconscious near the colony, he couldn’t answer them, he didn’t know.

The doctors were puzzled; they couldn’t understand why he had lost his memory. The boy had no injuries to his head, he had no bruises, no cuts, and no internal injuries… but he still couldn’t remember who he was. They had tried to identify him when he was brought in, but no OZ bases had reported any missing soldiers.

When he had shared his recollections of the girl and the lions with the doctors they had sent his picture to the circus companies hoping someone from one of these traveling shows would know him. Someone had.

Catherine had arrived at the L3 colony within days and identified the boy as Trowa Bloom her younger brother. She had immediately had him discharged from the hospital and took him back to the circus with her on L2. She’d looked at him almost pityingly during the trip and had said. "You’re too kind for your own good Trowa. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of you." He hadn’t really understood what she meant.

2 months later…

He knew who he was now, Cathy had told him, he knew where he belonged, she had brought him there, but he felt so defenseless and trapped and he was at a loss to explain it even to himself. There was this nagging thought that there was something important he was forgetting and that there was something he was supposed to be doing…

But what?

The green-eyed boy stood before a mirror in the trailer he shared with his sister and was staring at his reflection in the smooth glass. What he saw made him wonder if the timid looking, wide-eyed, uncertain boy he saw staring back, was him.

"Is this really who I am? Who I was?" He whispered. Had he always felt so cold? Had he always jumped at shadows and been so afraid?

Just 10 minutes ago he’d been out in the ring with Catherine for the knife-throwing act. He’d closed his eyes not wanting to watch her throw the knives at him and he had flinched with each ~thunk~ of the knives hitting the target. It was the same every time they did the act; and each time she would assure him that they’d done this many times before, but he couldn’t help it, he was afraid she was going to hit him.

//I have no name, but if you must call me something, call me…//

It flashed in his head and was gone. ‘That sounded like me’, he realized, ‘but different somehow…emotionless… I have no name?’ He looked confused, and his head began to hurt as he tried to recall the memory. He groaned and slipped to his knees holding his head.

"Who am I?" He cried.

The trailer door opened and Catherine stepped inside. "Trowa? Trowa!" She rushed over to him and knelt beside him. "Trowa are you okay? What’s wrong?"

"My head…" He moaned.

"You probably need some rest, why don’t you take some medicine and lie down for a bit?" She didn’t wait for his reply and got him to his feet maneuvering him down the short hallways to his room. Making sure he lay down on the bed, she then went into the bathroom to get him some medicine for his headache returning shortly with some pills and a glass of water. She watched him swallow the pills and wash them down with water then she brushed her hand over his forehead. "Go to sleep Trowa." She turned to leave.

"Cathy?"

"Yes Trowa?"

"Who am I?"

Catherine turned around and looked at Trowa. "You’re Trowa Bloom, my brother and you work in the circus. That’s all you need to know; there isn’t anything else out there for you Trowa, you’re better off here with me, I can take care of you. Now go to sleep Trowa."

He opened his mouth to say something but she didn’t let him. "Go to sleep." Catherine walked out of his small room, closing the door behind her.

He closed his eyes letting his thoughts drift. ‘What is she trying to protect me from?’ He wondered before falling asleep.

~* He’s surrounded by darkness, there is no light anywhere but he can see his hand in front of his face as though it was daylight. Beautiful violin music begins to play from somewhere in the darkness, the sweet sound calls to him, urging him to find the source, to remember. He runs in the direction the music seems to be coming from but the music doesn’t grow any louder and he can’t see anything in the pitch black. A brightly shining flute appears suspended in the darkness. He reaches out, taking it in his hand; then the flute darkens, grows heavier and changes shape, and Trowa sees he's now holding a gun in his hand. Trowa drops it and the gun vanishes. *~

Trowa rolls over restlessly in his bed.

~* "Trowaaa!" The panicked voice echoes around him, hauntingly familiar, blending with the violin music and then both fade. *~

~* "Who are you?" He shouts into the now silent emptiness, the words echo back to him. ~ Who are you? ~ "I... don’t know." He whispers. *~

~* "I have no name... " The voice that sounds like him says. *~

~* "I do have a name! My name is Trowa Bloom!" He shouts. *~

~* "I have no name..." the voice repeats. *~

~* "I don’t want to be Nanashi anymore..." Trowa cried. *~

~* "You can’t ignore me, I am a part of you..." A boy appeared in front of Trowa, and stunned he realized the boy looked like himself, only he wore a soldier’s uniform. *~

~* "I don’t want to be empty anymore!" Trowa screamed at the soldier.

~* "You don’t have to be...stop denying who you are." Came another voice that sounded like Trowa, this voice was kind without any of the uncertainty and fear Trowa could hear in his own voice. He spun around and was confronted with another image of himself; this one wore the same clothes as him, but had a silver cross necklace around his neck. *~

~* "W...what? Who are you?" Trowa asked hesitantly. *~

~* "You." The new voice responded. "I am you, I am the part of you that you kept buried for so long. I am your soul." *~

~* "You need us both to be complete." Said the soldier. *~

~* "But you’re denying both of us now." Said his soul. *~

Trowa woke up suddenly, and sat up in his bed, distress evident in his eyes; but the dream was fading from his mind leaving behind only the emotions it had evoked.

"Trowa! You up yet? We got a show to do in 30 minutes, we need to get ready." Catherine called from somewhere in the trailer and then the door slammed shut.

Trowa got out of bed and went out of the trailer to the dressing rooms to change into his clown costume for the knife throwing performance. This time, he kept his eyes open.

Duo was at that evening’s performance with Hilde and had recognized Trowa, 2 days later after Duo's discovery of Trowa and his amnesia, Quatre had appeared on the colony seeking the green-eyed boy.

Something in Quatre’s voice had called to his memory, further stirring the dormant memories that Duo had begun to awaken. When Quatre came back to the circus after the attack on the colony began, Trowa knew that he had to go with the Arabian pilot; he had to fill the emptiness and the only way to do so, the only way to find the answers he needed, was to follow him.

Less than a month later while piloting Wing Zero and trying to prevent the destruction of the colony his sister was on, he regained his memories and finally, for the first time, felt warm. The emotions he’d thought he’d lost now gave him a reason to fight, something to protect and something to fight for.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Owari